Mrs. Morley still wore her wedding ring and her engagement ring as well, though occasionally she would take them off and put them into her jewel box. "I should just sell them," she would say, "but I don't know. Sometimes I still feel married to him, in spite of everything, you know what I mean? You want something to hang onto." On some weekends she went out on dates, with men who rang the front doorbell and were let inside, grudgingly, by Roz's mother, and who then had to stand in the vestibule and wait for Mrs. Morley because there was nowhere else for them to go.
Certainly Roz's mother would not ask them back to sit in the kitchen. She did not approve of them, or of Mrs. Morley in general; though she sometimes let Roz go to the movies with her. Mrs. Morley preferred films in which women renounced things for the sake of other people, or in which they were loved and then abandoned. She followed these plots with relish, eating popcorn and dabbing at her eyes. "I'm a sucker for a good weepie," she said to Roz. Roz didn't understand why the things in the movies happened the ways they did, and would have preferred to have seen Robin Hood or else Abbott and Costello, but her mother felt an adult should be present. Things could happen in the flickering, sweet-smelling dark of movie theatres; men could take advantage. This was one subject on which Mrs. Morley and Roz's mother were in agreement: the advantage men could take.
Roz went through Mrs. Morley's jewel box when she wasn't there, although she was careful not to move anything out of its place. It gave her a feeling of pleasure, not just because the things were pretty - they weren't real jewels, most of them, they were costume jewellery, rhinestones and glass - but because there was something exciting about doing this. Although the brooches and earrings were exactly the same when Mrs. Morley wasn't there as when she was, they seemed different in her absence - more alluring, secretive. Roz looked into the closet as well: Mrs. Morley had many brightly coloured dresses, and the high-heeled shoes that went with them. When she was feeling more than normally daring Roz would slip on the shoes and hobble around in front of the mirror on Mrs. Morley's closet door. The pair she liked best had sparkling clips on the toes that looked as if they were made of diamonds. Roz thought they were the height of glamour.
Sometimes there would be a little pile of dirty underwear in the corner of the closet, just thrown in there, not even put into a laundry bag: brassieres, stockings, satin slips. These were the things Mrs. Morley washed out by hand in the bathroom sink and draped over the radiator in her room to dry. But she should have picked them up off the floor first, as Roz had to do. Of course Mrs. Morley was a Protestant, so what could you expect? Roz's mother would have liked to have had nobody in her rooming house except Catholics, nice clean well-behaved Catholic ladies like Miss Hines, but beggars couldn't be choosers and in such times you had to take what you could get.
Roz had a round face and dark straight hair and bangs, and she was big for her age. She went to Redemption and Holy Spirit, which used to be two schools but now just had two names, and the nuns in their black-and-white habits taught her to read and write and sing and pray, with white chalk on a black blackboard and a ruler across the knuckles if you got out of line.
Catholics were the best thing because you would go to Heaven when you died. Her mother was a Catholic too, but she didn't go to church. She would take Roz there and push her towards the door, but she wouldn't go in. From the set of her face Roz knew better than to ask why.
Some of the other kids on the street were Protestants, or else Jews; whatever you were, the others chased you on your way home from school, though sometimes the boys might play baseball together. Boys would chase you if you were a girl: the religion didn't matter then. There were a few Chinese kids as well, and there were also DPs.
The DP kids had the worst time of all. There was a DP girl at Roz's school: she could hardly speak English, and the other girls whispered about her where she could see them, and said mean things to her, and she would say "What?" Then they would laugh.
DPs meant Displaced Persons. They came from the east, across the ocean; what had displaced them was the war. Roz's mother said they should consider themselves lucky to be here. The grown-up DPs had odd clothes, dismal and shabby clothes, and strange accents, and a shuffling, defeated look to them. A confused look, as if they didn't know where they were or what was going on. The children would shout after them on the street: "DP! DP! Go back where you come from!" Some of the older boys would shout "Dog Poop!"
The DPs didn't understand, but they knew they were being shouted at. They would hurry faster, their heads hunched down into their coat collars; or they would turn around and glare. Roz would join the shouting packs, if she wasn't near her house. Her mother didn't like her running around on the street like a ragamuffin, screeching like a pack of hooligans. Afterwards, Roz was ashamed of herself for yelling at the DPs like that; but it was hard to resist when everyone else was doing it.
Sometimes Roz got called a DP herself, because of her dark skin. But it was just a bad name, like "moron," or - much worse -"bugger." It didn't mean you were one. If Roz could get those kids cornered, and if they weren't too much bigger than she was, she would give them a Chinese burn. That was two hands on the arm and then a twist, like wringing out the wash. It did burn, and it left a red mark. Or else she would kick them, or else she would yell back. She had a temper, said the nuns.
Still, even if Roz wasn't a DP, there was something. There was something about her that set her apart, an invisible barrier, faint and hardly there, like the surface of water, but strong nevertheless. Roz didn't know what it was but she could feel it. She wasn't like the others, she was among them but she wasn't part of them. So she would push and shove, trying to break her way in.
To school Roz wore a navy tunic and a white blouse, and on the front of the tunic there was a crest with a dove on it. The dove was the Holy Spirit. There was a picture of it in the chapel, coming down from Heaven with its wings outspread, on top of the Virgin Mary's head, while the Virgin Mary rolled her eyes upwards in a way that Roz's mother had told her never to do or they might get stuck that way; likewise crossing them. There was a second picture too, the Disciples and Apostles receiving the Holy Spirit at the Feast of Pentecost; this time the dove had red fire around it.
The dove made the Virgin Mary pregnant, but everyone knew that men couldn't have babies, so the Disciples and Apostles didn't get pregnant, they only talked in tongues and prophesied. Roz didn't know what talking in tongues meant, and neither did Sister Conception, because when Roz asked about it Sister Conception told her not to be impertinent.
The Pentecost picture was in the long main corridor of the school, with its creaky wooden floors and smell of goodness, a smell composed of slippery floor wax and plaster dust and incense from the chapel that made a small cool pool of guilty fear collect in Roz's stomach every time she smelled it, because God could see everything you did and also thought and most of these things annoyed him. He seemed to be angry much of the time, like Sister Conception.
But God was also Jesus, who got nailed to the cross. Who nailed him? Roman soldiers, who wore armour. There they were, three of them, looking brutal and making jokes, while Mary in blue and Mary Magdalene in red wept in the background.
It wasn't really the Roman soldiers' fault because they were just doing their job. Really it was the fault of the Jews. One of the prayers in chapel was a prayer for the conversion of the Jews, which meant they would switch over to being Catholic and then get forgiven. In the meantime God was still mad at them and they would have to keep on being punished. That's what Sister Conception said.
Things were more complicated than that, thought Roz, because Jesus had arranged for himself to be crucified on purpose. It was a sacrifice, and a sacrifice was when you gave your life to save other people. Roz wasn't sure why getting yourself crucified was such a favour to everyone but apparently it was. So if Jesus did it on purpose, why was it the fault of the Jews? Weren't they helping him out? A question of Roz's that went unanswered by Sister Conceptio
n, though Sister Cecilia, who was prettier and on the whole nicer to Roz, took a crack at it: a bad deed remained bad, she said, even if the result was good. There were lots of bad deeds that turned out to have good results, because God was a mystery, which meant he switched things around, but humans weren't in control of that, they were only in control of their own hearts. It was what was in your heart that counted.
Roz knew what a heart looked like. She'd seen lots of pictures of hearts, mostly the heart of Jesus, inside his opened-up chest. They were nothing like Valentines; they were more like the cows' hearts in the butcher store, brownish red and clotted and rubbery-looking. The heart of Jesus glowed, because it was holy. Holy things glowed in general.
Every sin people did was like another nail pounded into the cross. That was what the nuns said, especially at Easter. Roz was less concerned about Jesus, because she knew it would come out all right for him, than she was about the two thieves. One of them believed right away that Jesus was God, so that one would sit on Jesus's right hand in Heaven. But what about the other one? Roz had a sneaking sympathy for the other thief. He must have been in just as much pain as Jesus and the first thief, but it wasn't a sacrifice because he didn't do it on purpose. It was worse to be crucified when you didn't want to be. And anyway, what had he stolen? Maybe something small. It never said.
Roz felt that he deserved a place in Heaven, too. She knew something about the seating plan: God in the middle, Jesus to the right of him, the good thief to the right of Jesus. The right hand was the right hand, and you always had to use it to make the sign of the cross, even if you were left-handed. But who sat on the left hand of God? There must have been someone, because God had a left hand as well as a right hand, and nothing about God could possibly be bad because God was perfect, and Roz couldn't see that side just being left empty. So the bad thief could sit there; he could feast along with the rest. (And where was the Virgin Mary in all of this? Was it a long dinner table, with maybe God at one end and the Virgin Mary at the other? Roz knew enough not to ask. She knew she would be called wicked and impious. But it was something she would have liked to know.)
Sometimes when Roz asked questions the nuns gave her funny looks. Or they gave each other funny looks, pursing their mouths, shaking their heads. Sister Conception said, "What can you expect?" Sister Cecilia took extra time to pray with Roz, when Roz had been bad and needed to do penance after school. "There is more joy in Heaven over the one lost lamb," she said to Sister Conception.
Roz added sheep to Heaven. They would be outside the window, naturally. But she was glad to know about them. That meant dogs and cats stood a chance, too. Not that she was allowed to have either; they would have made too much trouble for her mother, who had enough things to do as it was.
43
Roz is late coming home from school. She walks by herself, through the failing light, in the snow that is falling, not very much of it, down through the air like tiny white flakes of soap. She hopes the snow will stay around until Christmas.
She's late because she's been rehearsing for the Nativity play, in which she is the chief angel. She wanted to be the Virgin Mary, but she's the chief angel instead because she's so tall, and besides that she can remember all the lines. She has a white costume with a sparkly gold halo made out of a coat-hanger, and wings of stiff white cardboard with painted gold feather-tips, held on by straps.
Today was the first day they tried it with the costumes. Roz has to be careful walking or the wings will slip down, and she has to keep her head up and facing straight ahead because of the halo. She has to go up to the shepherds as they keep watch over their flocks by night, with a big tinsel Star of Bethlehem dangling from a string over their heads, and hold her right hand up while they are looking afraid, and say, Fear not; for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. Then she has to tell them about going to see the babe in swaddling clothes, lying in the manger, and then she has to say, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will towards men, and then she has to point, with her whole arm held out, and guide the shepherds across the stage to where the manger is, while the school choir sings.
Roz is sorry for the girls who play the shepherds, because they have to wear grubby clothes and beards that hook over their ears with wires, like eyeglasses. These are the same beards that get used every year, and they're dirty. She feels even sorrier for the little kids who play the sheep. Their sheep costumes must have been white, once, but now they are grey, and they must be very hot.
The manger has blue curtains across the front. The shepherds have to stand in front of it until the choir is finished; meanwhile, Roz has gone around behind it and has climbed up on a stepstool, and is standing with both arms spread out. On her right side is Anne-Marie Roy, on her left is Eileen Shea; both of them are blowing trumpets, although they aren't really blowing them, of course. They have to stand that way the whole time, while two little kids with cherubs' wings open the curtains, showing stupid Julia Warden with her blonde hair and rosebud mouth and dumb simpering smile dressed up like the Virgin Mary, with a bigger halo than Roz's and a china-doll Jesus, and Saint Joseph standing behind her leaning on his staff, and a bunch of hay bales. The shepherds kneel on one side, and then along come the Wise Men in glittering robes and turbans, one of them with her face blackened because one of the Wise Men was black, and they kneel on the other side, and the choir sings "Angels We Have Heard on High," and then the main curtains close and Roz can put her arms down, which is a relief because it really hurts to keep them up in the air like that for so long.
After the rehearsal today Sister Cecilia told Roz she'd done very well. Roz had the only speaking lines in the whole play and it was important to say them clearly, in a nice loud voice. She was doing excellently and would be a credit to the school. Roz was pleased, because for once her loud voice wasn't getting her in trouble - mostly when the nuns speak to her in public it's about her rowdy behaviour. But while they were all taking their costumes off, Julia Warden said, "I think it's dumb to have an angel with black hair."
Roz said, "It's not black, it's brown," and Julia Warden said, "It's black. Anyways, you're not a real Catholic, my Mum says," and Roz told her to shut up or she'd make her, and Julia Warden said, "Where's your father anyways? My Mum says he's a DP," and Roz grabbed Julia Warden's arm and did the Chinese burn on her, and Julia Warden screamed. Sister Cecilia came rustling up and said what was all the commotion, and Julia Warden ratted, and Sister Cecilia told Roz that this was not the Christmas spirit and she shouldn't pick on girls smaller than her, and she was lucky Sister Conception wasn't there because if she was, Roz would get the strap. "Rosalind Greenwood, you just never learn," she said sadly.
Walking home from school, Roz spends her time thinking about what she will do to Julia Warden tomorrow, to get even; until the last block, when the two Protestant boys who live on the corner see her and chase her along the sidewalk, yelling "The Pope stinks!" Almost to her house they catch her and rub snow in her face, and Roz kicks their legs. They let her go, laughing and yelling with mock pain, or real pain - "Ouch, ouch, she kicked me" - and then she picks up her snowy books and runs the rest of the way, not crying yet, and scrambles up her front steps onto her porch. "You're not allowed on my property!" she yells. A snowball whizzes past her. If Roz's mother were there, she would chase these boys off. "Ragamuffins!" she would say, and they would scatter. She sometimes takes the flat of her hand to Roz, but she won't let anyone else lay a finger on her. Except the nuns, of course.
Roz brushes off the snow - she's not supposed to track snow into the house - and goes inside, and down the hall to the kitchen. Two men are sitting at the kitchen table. They're wearing DP clothes, not shabby ones, not worn out, but DP clothes all the same, Roz can tell because of the shape. On the table is a bottle that Roz knows straight away has liquor in it - she's seen bottles like that on the sidewalk - and in front of each of the men there's a glass. Roz's mother is not in the room.
"Where's my mother?" she says.
"She went to get food," says one of the men. "She didn't have nothing to eat."
The other one says, "We're your new uncles. Uncle George, Uncle Joe."
Roz says, "I don't have any uncles," and Uncle George says, "Now, you do." Then both of them laugh. They have loud laughs, and strange voices. DP voices, but with something else, some other accent. Something that's like the movies.
"Sit," says Uncle George hospitably, as if it's his house, as if Roz is a dog. Roz is unsure of the situation - there have never been two men in the kitchen before - but she sits anyway.
Uncle George is the bigger one; he has a high forehead and light wavy hair slicked straight back. Roz can smell his hair goo, sweet, like theatres. He's smoking a brown cigarette in a black holder. "Ebony," he says to Roz. "You know what ebony is? It's a tree."
"She knows," says Uncle Joe. "She's a smart girl." Uncle Joe is smaller, with hunched-up shoulders and spindly hands, and dark hair, almost black, and huge dark eyes. He has a tooth missing, off to one side. He sees Roz staring, and says, "Once, I had a gold tooth in this place. I keep it in my pocket." And he does. He takes out a small wooden box, painted red with a design of tiny green flowers, and opens it, and there inside is a gold tooth.
"Why?" says Roz.
"You don't want to leave a gold tooth lying around in your mouth, people get ideas," says Uncle Joe.
Roz's mother comes in, carrying two brown paper grocery bags, which she sets down on the counter. She is flushed, and pleased-looking. She says nothing at all about the drinking, nothing about the smoke. "These are friends of your father's," she says. "They were all in the war together. He's coming, he'll be here soon." Then she bustles out again; she needs to go to the butcher's, she says, because this is an occasion. Occasions call for meat.
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