There are also occasions when we need to take a tough attitude toward our emotions. That doesn’t mean denying them, but rather it means that certain circumstances—abuse, war, working as a paramedic—require that we focus exclusively on the task at hand until we can process our feelings later on. The challenges in our lives are too diverse to respond to self-compassion alone, but, in combination with other tools at our disposal, self-compassion can make life a whole lot easier. Ultimately, what makes our lives happier in the long run is the compassionate thing to do.
It may sound strange, but I generally try to avoid the term “self-compassion” while counseling others because it creates a standard against which we all inevitably fail. Self-compassion isn’t a “thing” that we either have or don’t have. Instead, as a practitioner and as a therapist, I try to remain open to emotional pain and breathe kindness into it, one moment after the next.
MEASURING YOUR PROGRESS
Self-compassion is a long-term adventure. You’ll recognize changes in yourself almost immediately, but an underlying shift in attitude is a slow, incremental process. It’s best to take the long view—give yourself a lifetime to practice, but make sure you notice progress along the way. Haba na haba, hujaza kibaba (Swahili for “Little by little fills the pot”). Or, as my good friend and meditation teacher Trudy Goodman said, “Self-compassion is never fixed, never having arrived.”
Self-Compassion Scale
If you completed the Self-Compassion Scale when you read about it in Chapter 4, you can retest yourself now to see how you’re doing. See if your scores on self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness go up, and if your scores on self-judgment, isolation, and overidentification go down.
Self-Compassion Journal
One month is a sufficient period of time to discover the transformative power of self-compassion. Within 2 months, you’re likely to go through both the infatuation and the disillusionment phases. I often recommend to beginning practitioners that they keep a journal for at least 3 months to explore the vicissitudes of practice. Journaling is an opportunity to monitor habit change, to troubleshoot, and, most important, to notice new ways you might be responding to problems in your life. The simple act of writing also reinforces your commitment.
Make your journal simple and easy to use. You can keep an open document in your computer, e-mail a daily entry to yourself, or just jot down notes on a pad kept in your purse or pocket. Record the subtle changes, such as the kindly words that might appear unexpectedly in your mind. If you’re not the writing type, make a mental note of changes or mention them to others who might be interested in your progress. A Self-Compassion Journal might look like this:
Day 12
Slept poorly last night and feeling edgy. sitting meditation for 20 minutes after coffee. Meditated to feel better, which didn’t work at all. When I just let myself feel crummy and say the phrases, I felt better. I continued the phrases on way to work, but then forgot the whole day. Super busy. will try again before I go to sleep.
Day 13
slept better last night, maybe because of the phrases? No time to meditate today. Consciously enjoyed the warm water in my shower, though. That was different. Since I didn’t meditate, I promised myself to say the phrases more often during the day. When my phone rang, I noticed on caller ID that it was the day care center. I said “safe, safe, safe” and then picked up the phone. A first! There was no problem, but I felt better anyway.
Day 14
Sat for 10 min this morning. It helped to envision that before I got out of bed. I’d prefer 20 min. Didn’t get past the breath part in 10 min. Helps to think beforehand that I’m sitting just to be with myself before a busy day and let everything be just as it is. It’s the only time of the day like that. usually I’m trying to accomplish something.
The old car rattle started again on the way home. I mean, METTA!
Day 15
Woke up saying, “Don’t be afraid.” Haven’t got a clue where that came from. I’m hardcore! Mornings are getting a little less crazy, maybe because I’m going to bed earlier. It’s still a pain trying to get josh out the door. Maybe I’ll sing the metta phrases to him. It couldn’t hurt josh to grow up knowing this stuff.
Keeping a journal is itself a contemplative practice and a self-compassion exercise. You’re honoring the preciousness of your own experience, even if it’s odd, funky, or confusing.
If you’re having trouble getting started with journaling, try picking a specific problem, such as resentment toward a lazy colleague who gets all the credit at work, and document what you’re doing and how it’s going. Perhaps you started saying “May I love myself just as I am.” How is it going? Also, note when you forget to practice—the slippery slope back to old habits—and brainstorm how to support yourself.
Avoid the trap of evaluating your progress while you’re meditating. You may or may not have a positive state of mind and still be making progress. While practicing, stick to the practice itself. That means that if you feel bad, deliver kindness to yourself. Or anchor your attention in your breath, or sit back and watch the inner drama in a generous, openhearted way. Stay engaged in the present moment, and don’t judge how it worked until you’re done.
You can measure your progress by how you feel in your daily life. Are you feeling happier, more confident, less stressed? More important, are you responding with more and more good will toward yourself when things go wrong? When you banged your knee on the coffee table, did you say, “Ouch! That hurts! God love you!” or did you blurt out, “You clumsy jerk!” Are you trading self-criticism, self-isolation, and self-absorption for self-kindness, a sense of your humanness, and the ability to let go? If so, make a note.
BEGINNING ANEW
“Are we there yet?”
The path to happiness and well-being never ends. Just when we think we’ve arrived, a new challenge presents itself and we begin again. This book was written to help dissolve the illusion that we can better ourselves to the point where emotional pain is a thing of the past. A more fruitful path is to cultivate uncommon kindness— kindness toward ourselves—as long as we live and breathe. In the words of meditation teacher Pema Chödrön: “… we can still be crazy after all these years. We can still be angry after all these years. We can still be timid or jealous or full of feelings of unworthiness. The point is … not to try to throw ourselves away and become something better. It’s about befriending who we are already.”
It could make all the difference in your life.
APPENDIX A
emotion words
The following list of emotion words was compiled from an online search by computer linguist Steven DeRose. It attests to the subtlety and diversity of human emotional experience. The list can be used to find a label for almost any emotion you’re likely to have in daily life.
This list, as well as the author’s sources, can also be found at www.derose.net/steve/resources/emotionwords/ewords.html. Reprinted by permission of Steven J. DeRose.
PAIN/PLEASURE
Angry
acrimonious, angry, annoyed, appalled, bitter, boiling, cross, devastated, disgusted, enraged, frustrated, fuming, furious, hostile, in a huff, in a stew, incensed, indignant, inflamed, infuriated, irate, irritated, livid, mad, offended, outraged, piqued, provoked, rageful, resentful, sullen, up in arms, virulent, worked up, wrathful, wrought up
Sad
aching, afflicted, agonized, anguished, bereaved, blue, cheerless, clouded, crestfallen, crushed, dark, dejected, depressed, despairing, despondent, disconsolate, discontented, discouraged, disheartened, dismal, displeased, distressed, dolorous, down, downcast, downhearted, dreadful, dreary, dull, embarrassed, flat, frowning, funereal, gloomy, glum, griefstricken, grieved, guilt, hapless, heartbroken, heavyhearted, humiliated, hurt, ill at ease, in despair, in pain, in the dumps, injured, joyless, lonely, low-spirited, low, lugubrious, melancholy, moody, moping, mournful, offended, oppressed, out of sorts, pathetic, piteous, regretful, remorse, ru
eful, shamed, shocked, somber, sorrowful, spiritless, suffering, sulky, sullen, tortured, tragic, unhappy, woebegone, woeful, worried
Happy
airy, amused, animated, beatific, blissful, blithe, bright, brisk, buoyant, cheerful, cheery, comfortable, contented, convivial, debonair, ecstatic, elated, enthusiastic, excited, exhilarated, exultant, festive, free and easy, frisky, genial, glad, gleeful, great, high-spirited, hilarious, humorous, important, inspired, jaunty, jocular, jolly, jovial, joyful, joyous, jubilant, laughing, lighthearted, lively, lucky, merry, mirthful, overjoyed, peaceful, playful, pleased, proud, rapturous, satisfied, saucy, self-satisfied, serene, sparkling, spirited, sprightly, sunny, terrific, thankful, tranquil, transported, vivacious
Ecstatic
delighted, fabulous, fantastic, overjoyed
POWER/CONTROL/RESPONSIBILITY
Irresistible
aggressive, exuberant, immortal, indestructible, invincible, invulnerable, powerful, unstoppable
Powerless
bashful, blocked, defeated, discouraged, disorganized, exhausted, hopeless, irresponsible, overwhelmed, thwarted, worn down, worn out
Out of Control
careless, impotent, obligated, obliterated, powerless, reckless, vulnerable, weak
Apathetic
complacent, full of ennui, immobilized, lazy, lethargic, numb, passive, quiescent, unconcerned, unmotivated
Adequate
capable, competent, composed, confident, encouraged, excited, in control, organized, responsible
ATTACHMENT
Alone
cut off, excluded, forsaken, isolated, left out, rejected, shut out, detached, lonely, lonesome, misunderstood
Independent
arrogant, autonomous, cocky, strong, macho
Attached
affectionate, belonging, captivated, cherished, compassionate, connected, empathetic, included, liked, loved, loving, understood
Codependent
addicted, insecure, needy, sympathetic
Hated
abandoned, chastised, criticized, deserted, discarded, forsaken, ignored, left out, let down, overlooked, rejected, replaced, unapproved of, unlovable, unloved
Loved
accepted, adored, adorable, approved of, desirable, entrusted, loved, validated, valued, welcomed
SOCIAL STANDING
Belittled
chagrined, diminished, discredited, disgraced, insignificant, underestimated, unsupported
Embarrassed
ashamed, awkward, disparaged, guilty
Average
common, ordinary
Esteemed
admired, appreciated, respected, revered, significant, supported, valued, worshiped
JUSTICE
Cheated
disparaged, victimized
Singled Out
affronted, categorized, guilty, judged, labeled, rated, stereotyped
Justified
absolved, acquitted, appeased, redeemed, satisfied, vindicated
Entitled
exempt, favored, immune, privileged
FREEDOM
Trapped
imprisoned, optionless
Burdened
obligated, pressured, put upon, thwarted
Free
autonomous, independent, released, unshackled
DIRECTION/FOCUS
Derailed
disjointed, disoriented, torn
Lost
baffled, bewildered, confused, unfocused
Focused
committed, complacent, determined, in the zone
Obsessed
compelled, consumed
DESIRE/INTEREST
Demoralized
disappointed, discouraged, disheartened, disillusioned, disinclined, repulsed, stifled, thwarted
Bored
ambivalent, apathetic, complacent, full of ennui, indifferent, lackadaisical, unmotivated
Attracted
absorbed, affected, agog, full of anticipation, anxious, attracted, avid, challenged, concerned, confident, craving, curious, dedicated, desirous, eager, earnest, enchanted, engrossed, enthusiastic, excited, fascinated, fervent, fervid, hopeful, inquisitive, inspiring, intent, interested, intrigued, keen, motivated, needed, nosey, snoopy, zealous
Lustful
addicted, ardent, aroused, horny, hot and bothered, infatuated, lustful, needy, passionate, turned on, yearning
SAFETY/SECURITY
Fearful
afraid, aghast, alarmed, anxious, appalled, apprehensive, awed, cautious, chicken, cowardly, defenseless, diffident, dismayed, doubtful, exposed, fainthearted, fearful, fidgety, frightened, hesitant, horrified, hysterical, in fear, insecure, irresolute, menaced, misgiving, nervous, panicked, petrified, phobic, quaking, restful, scared, shaky, shocked, suspicious, terrified, terrorized, timid, timorous, trembling, tremulous, upset, worried, yellow
Anxious
apprehensive, cautious, concerned, distrustful, doubtful, dubious, full of misgiving, hesitant, indecisive, pensive, perplexed, questioning, skeptical, suspicious, tense, unbelieving, uncertain, uncomfortable, wavering
Fearless
audacious, bold, brave, certain, confident, courageous, daring, dauntless, determined, encouraged, enterprising, gallant, hardy, heroic, reassured, resolute, secure, self-reliant, spirited, stout-hearted
Safe
at ease, calm, comfortable, composed, peaceful, secure
Surprise
astonished, bewildered, confused, shocked, startled, surprised
MISCELLANEOUS
active, afraid, agitated, animosity, antagonistic, artificial, astounded, aware
bad, balanced, beautiful, blurry
childish, clear, clever, competitive, complexity, conciliated, conspicuous, constrained, contemptuous, courteous, cruel, cynical
deceitful, decisive, defiant, dependent, desperate, destructive, different, dim, disqualified, disregarded, dissatisfied, distracted, disturbed, divided, drained, droopy, dumb
earthy, embittered, empty, energetic, enlightened, envious, evil, exasperated
failure, fatigued, firm, flustered, fond, foolish, forgiving, fortunate, frank, frantic, friendly, frozen, fulfilled, full, futile
generous, giddy, good, grateful, greedy, gullible
harried, hasty, haughty, helpful, helpless, homesick, honored, horrible
imposed upon, impressed, inadequate, incapable, incompetent, inconsiderate, ineffective, inferior, intense, intimidated, intricate, involved
jealous, jumpy
kind
lenient, longing, lovable
mature, mean, meditative, methodical, miserable, misery, mocked, murderous
natural, naughty, nice
obnoxious, odd, optimistic, out of place
pained, patient, perturbed, pessimistic, pitied, pleasant, posing, possessive, pretty, pushy, put down, puzzled
relaxed, relieved, respected, responsive, restless, restrained, revengeful, rewarded, ridiculous, right, routine
skeptical, scornful, self-confident, self-doubt, servile, sharp, shy, sick, silly, sincerity, sleepy, slumber, smart, sneaky, solemn, spiteful, stable, stingy, strange, stressed, stubborn, stunned, stupid, successful, suicidal, superior, sure talkative, tempted, tenacious, tender, tentative, terrible, tired, tolerant, troubled, trusted
ugly, unaware, undecided, undeserving, undesirable, uneasy, unequaled, unfair, unfulfilled, unified, unmatched, unsettled, unsupported, unstable, unsure, unwanted, unworthy, uptight, useless
vehement, vigilant, vile, violent, vitriolic
weary, whimsical, wicked, wiped out, wonderful, worthless, worthy
APPENDIX B
additional self-compassion exercises
A self-compassion exercise is any practice that enhances good will toward ourselves when we suffer. Loving-kindness (metta) meditation has been emphasized in this book because it changes the inner dialogue that has a large impact on how we feel. Other pathways to self-compassion were mentioned in Chapter 5,
and more can be found in the books and audio materials listed in Appendix C. The additional practices described below were selected due to their unique nature or broad appeal.
The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion Page 26