by A. C. Bextor
“I need to talk to Greyson, get this settled. I can’t think about anything else until it is. I owe him that. Two years we have been together and I won’t treat him like he meant nothing. I’m sorry if this hurts you, but you’re springing this on me without time to process, you want me to say something, I just don’t have anything to say except Thank you. Thank you for being a part of my life and loving me enough to trust me with how you feel. I just need a few days to process and talk to Greyson, okay? He won’t hurt me Shame. If for no other reason than the threat of you and Hem, he won’t put a finger on me.”
I’m trying to soothe him but I know Shame and delayed gratification doesn’t suit him. If I’m being honest with myself, I’m not sure what Grayson’s reaction will be when he sees me again after all that happened. I can say that given enough anger he could hurt me, but it wouldn’t be intentional. I’m not trying to make excuses for him in my head because I don’t have to, Greyson is a soft man that loves me. Even through all his madness yesterday, I know he still loves me.
Instantly Shame drops his hands to his sides and steps away from me. I feel the loss immediately and I whimper a bit to myself at the loss.
“That fucking word out of your mouth again. Jesus woman, I show you a glimpse of how I feel at the party weeks ago, and I get that name thrown at me. I pour my fucking heart out to you now, after all these years of watching you grow up making mistake after mistake with men you hardly know.. and all I ask is for you to say something in regard to how I feel and all I get is that fucking name at me again. Fuck it, Mace. Fuck. It. All. I never said anything to you. Forget what you just heard. Go find Greyson. Be happy with him but stay the fuck away from me. You want him, good. Maybe you two do really deserve each other.”
Without another word, Shame turns and strides from the room. Every single person I love right now no longer trusts me. This is the loneliest feeling in the world. I take five minutes, standing up straight, and I cry. I cry for all that I’m losing and don’t know how to fix. I want to talk to Sadey because right now Oreos and tears sound like a perfect way out.
*****
Few hours later, I’m gathering my things from Greyson’s. He wasn’t home when I pulled up. I have to wonder now where he is, if he is with Hood again or my dad. I still can’t fathom my dad and Greyson betraying all trust that I have in them, but being that I didn’t see Shame and his feelings for me clearly, I should be second guessing all of my gut instincts.
I hear the front door open, I jump momentarily still shaking from the week’s events. I can hear Greyson in the foyer talking, but I can’t hear anyone else in the room, he must be on his phone.
“No I told you before, I have it handled. She will be handled. Sir, just give me a chance to rectify it and I will let you know when all is clear of this mess.” He states quickly.
What the hell? This doesn’t sound like work. Putting down my bag I walk towards the foyer, still waiting to hear more of the conversation but when I round the corner from the hallway all I see is Greyson’s back and I hear the snap of his blackberry as he ends the call abruptly. From the back of him I can see him hang his head. He’s running his hands through his golden hair as if he’s upset and frustrated. I don’t know what to say so I just stand there. Surely he knows I’m here because my car is parked outside in front of the condo. He makes a move to turn around, head still hanging down.
When he starts to gain momentum he looks up, and directly into my eyes. My eyes glance at his face then quickly I have to look away. Oh my god, he’s so beaten. His left eye is swollen shut and he has tape above the right that appears to be holding the stitches in place. His nose is black and blue. His hand is covered in bandage and appears blood has bled through. So many wounds that it’s hard to tell when they happened. From what I understand in my brief and angry discussion with Hem, he had paid him another visit the day after Shame finished with him so the wounds could be from either. I feel like I’m going to be sick. For once, I am totally ashamed of the men in my life. They have taken so much anger out on Greyson and beat him severely; his only offense was that he used words to hurt me. Those words hurt, yes. Emotionally though, I can recover knowing what he said was out of anger and that anger was born of his love for me and seeing me with Shame triggered it. However, what they have done to Greyson hurts me so much more.
He stares at me and I don’t know what he’s thinking. He looks confused, pissed, and hurt. I am responsible for that look and my chest constricts because I have made my Greyson look helpless and lost. The man I know and love is broken but I can still see him in there. His eyes are still shining for me, I think.
“Why are you here, Mace?” He says just loud enough that I have to strain to hear him. He puts his head back down. I feel his embarrassment radiating off him. He doesn’t want me to see him like this. He’s always been so perfectly put together in my presence; this must be humiliating to him.
“I came to get some of my stuff that has been here, I wasn’t sure…. I didn’t know where we… I don’t know, Greyson. I don’t even know what to say.” I want to apologize but it isn’t my place to apologize for both Hem and Shame. I didn’t do anything wrong to have to apologize on my own behalf, my only blame is that I needed to be consoled after hearing about my mother dying.
He snorts. “What to say. Well, how about you say nothing? How about you just stand there and look at me with those pity eyes that tell me you feel bad for what your insane family has done to me, Mace? Look at me, I’m unrecognizable. I do not have a strong arm, fuck I have never hit another human being in my life! I’m not built like that. Maybe you like this rough look I have here, huh?”
He is now in motion towards me. I’m frozen. In my heart I can feel that whatever he’s about to say or do to me is justified and I need to let him have his moment so we can talk and move on, one way or another.
“God, Mace. This is so fucked up! How did we get here? I love you so damn much, you have to know this by now. I’ve given you all of me, is it enough for you? Am I enough for you? Even though I’m hurt I still love you, honey. So much that I still can’t walk away from you after what I saw at the lake. I don’t want to share your heart, please tell me that I’m not. Tell me that you still love me and want to be here, with me. Please, I will beg. Don’t leave me, Mace. I’m sorry for what I said. I just saw you with him and I snapped. God I have never been a jealous person but seeing that piece of shit holding you, I saw red. Immediately I doubted we were really true. I fucked up, forgetting everything about us. I felt as if I was walking into a nightmare. I’m so sorry.”
He’s near enough to touch me, he raises his uninjured hand to my cheek but doesn’t make contact. It’s as if he’s asking me for my permission. I respond by leaning to his touch and immediately his eyes close and a single tear falls down his cheek. He winces when it touches his broken lip so I wipe it away gently. Leaning down he kisses my temple. He wraps his hand around my neck, never making any more body contact than that.
“Think about what you want, Mace. I’m not going anywhere. I don’t want to go anywhere without you so I will wait. I’m a patient man, love. I need to go; I have a meeting with a client. I love you, please think about all I have said.” His eyes are filled with unshed tears.
He then turns and walks away, leaving me to miss his touch. Can a woman really love two men? You see it on television, read about it in books, but life? Does it really happen?
Chapter Five:
“I know only that what is moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after.”
--Ernest Hemingway
It has been three days since I’ve spoken to Hem, Shame, and Greyson. The men in my life are wreaking havoc on my soul, again. I haven’t been to see Mom since her announcement at the family dinner. She’s been calling, so has dad. I can’t talk to either of them right now. My voice mail is overflowing with concern but I can’t listen to them. I can’t make any decisions about things until I have had my cha
nce to process. I need to face these situations, I know this. Right now though, I am in my comfortable nontoxic place here with Sadey surviving on Oreos and girl talk.
Sadey on the other hand is currently getting ready for yet another party at the Club. Hope for her that this one goes better than the last. I have no plans to be there so she’s on her own against Ace and Hem.
The only voicemail I’ve brought myself to listen to was from Greyson. He just wanted to let me know he misses me and loves me. He is leaving Ohio and headed to Texas again, something about an anniversary party at home. I’m glad he’s gone now. Although I haven’t seen him, just knowing he is near makes it difficult to stay away from him. Going back to him without thinking through my feelings for Shame is the chicken way out. I have to choose, I love them both I think, just in different ways. Greyson is a sure bet. Our lives will be predictable and probably boring with a house in the hills and two kids that look like me but act like him.
A life with Shame would be passionate and volatile. I don’t know if I could withstand a lifetime living like that. I’ve never ever known Shame to show intentions of actually claiming anyone, now that it is me so I have no reference on how long we could last with him being tied down to one woman, and I do not share.
Shame is apparently still upset at me. He hasn’t called, sent me a text, or even asked Sadey how I’m doing or where I am. In all these years of knowing Shame, he’s never intentionally blocked me out like this. I’m not sure now, but maybe he really does hate me. That makes my heart hurt more. Damn.
No way can I approach Hem; he’s so angry and believes that I am in on some great scam with dad and Greyson. Hell, I was so wrapped up in Greyson’s words when I saw what they had done to him I couldn’t even begin to question him about those photos. I can’t until I decide where I belong. My brother and Greyson only agree on one thing, loving me. I don’t want to choose, I can’t choose. I want a required choice to not even be an option.
“You know, stewing and sulking is a terrible color on you, friend?”
I hate when Sadey is chipper. I knew I should have added more sugar to her cereal this morning. Maybe if I would have she would be coming down from a severe sugar rush right about now and she wouldn’t be pestering me!
“I don’t know. I kind of like my look.”
I say this while motioning to my pink penguin pajama pants that I’ve had since my freshman year at the university. They have seen better days but then again, so have I. I pick at a thread that’s unraveling from my penguins so that I can avoid her disappointing stare.
“Are you going to the party tonight? Ace has asked that I go and meet up with him for a game of pool. He’s on a run today but said he will be back by nine so I’m going to go and wait for him there. We can ride together and Ace can give me a ride home if you’re not ready when I want to leave. You need to talk to Hem.”
Disregarding every single damn word she said after Ace, I start in. “Seriously Sade, did you not hear a word I said about the man after the last game he played with you and Hem? Damn woman, you are a glutton for punishment!”
Enter eye roll here!
“I can’t wait for Hem, and I’m not going to wait anymore. I’m moving on, and tonight I’m moving on with a bald head, tattooed, sailor cussing hottie! If he happens to come in the form of Ace, so be it. He tells me he’s going to be getting patched in, that’s good news isn’t it? It proves the guys recognize that he’s changing.”
“Have you heard the story about the leopard and his spots, cause I’m pretty certain he’s the leopard and you’re about to be pounced!”
Again, I’m rolling my eyes. This conversation is going nowhere and I’m losing valuable sleep and sulk time!
“Get your ass up and moving into the shower so you can come with me tonight, Mace. You will have fun and maybe you can talk to Hem. He loves you. You are his kid sister, his family. Come on, really. What else do you have to do other than shower? My friend, sweet sweet friend, you stink!”
Good thing that woman is standing over 10 feet away and I don’t have the energy or desire to move from this couch. She’s so annoying when I’m into my depression.
“We will see. That’s my answer. Now, go about your own business and let me back to mine.” Grabbing the remote I hit play on the movie I was watching before she steamrolled in here like some Saint on a mission to save. Zombies are once again developing onto the screen and I’m blatantly ignoring her wheeze as she studies the gore they are leaving in their wake. God the woman is a romantic, if a movie isn’t all about confessions of love she just can’t stand to watch.
*****
“I hate mirrors.” I say to no one. I’m standing in my room, looking at my full length mirror. I’m not dressed up, and when I mean not dressed up, I mean I look like a woman in child’s clothing. I not only do not want to attend this party, I do not want to draw any attention to myself during this party!
Sadey left already, under the assumption that I may or may not show up later. I already knew I was going but I wanted to keep her guessing. I am only going so that I can talk to Hem. He is the glue that holds me together, literally. When he and I are at odds, it seems everything falls apart and right now before any more time passes I’m going to ask him for my damn glue back. Hopefully he’s had some time to think things through and he has come to realize that I love him more than the moon and back and he understands I’m not involved with Grey and Dad and their alleged shenanigans.
Pulling up to the compound I can already hear the party in full swing. Nickelback always good party music, is coming from the common area jukebox. Mental note, I should have come earlier. I realize a bit too late that Hem could be knee deep in alcohol by now or dick deep in a Club whore, hooker, slut... Whatever. Lines of bikes are arranged on the platform so I know I’ve got a long walk ahead of me. Thank hell I wore my sneaks, ever the good choice.
Out of my car walking ahead, replaying what I am going to say to make Hem give me back my glue, I hear a soft moan. Not surprising being that this is the weekly Club party, and well, a Club party is a Club party and sex is always on the blackboard. It is the familiar voice that I hear somewhere next that stops me in my tracks.
“Come on, Ace. I do want you. However you want to give it to me, just do it already.” Oh like hell I do know this voice! I scan the area of cars until I spot Sadey’s coupe. My steps increase as I hear her giggle. Oh hell to the no she is not doing this here in her car, at a drunken party, at the Club, with asshat Ace! Rat bastard of all male sluts, shit starter, lion among the lambs. Okay, I don’t like him. At least I don’t like him with Sadey or anyone else that I know. Sadey is Hem’s and even though he’s too dumbass to see this at the present time, an interception from Ace could delay it forever. No!
“What the hell are you two doing out here? The party is inside, Sadey!” I whip the door open and she adjusts her jean shorts and barely there tank before she and Ace scramble out of the car and around to my side of it.
“Did I miss something cause I thought it was rather chilly this evening and my sweet sweet friend, hooker is not a good color on you!” I’ve used her words against her, score one for me please. “Furthermore, Ace put your small bat back in the cave. This isn’t an amusement park and no one wants to see the smallest bat in town.” Another score for me? I think so. Hell I’m reeling them in!
Anger rolls out of Ace, but really what is he going to do? He knows about Sadey’s love for Hem, the whole damn Club knows and that makes him an asshole for taking advantage. I am fairly certain that is a role he has played before. Probably a role he excels at. Bastard.
“Wow, Mother! Sorry I didn’t ask permission to bring my 22 year old self out on a date. This is what people do on dates, Mace. You probably wouldn’t know though, hard to remember dates when you only remember daydreams of the same person for the last 15 years!” One for Sade and one big bad jab to my chest.
Ace raises an eyebrow at me as Sadey turns in getting close to my face. �
��Shit I’m sorry, I didn't mean that. I know you love Greyson, he’s great. I’m sure he takes you on many dates.” I’m not mad, just hurt. Brutal truth, it always hurts.
“Stop mumbling Sadey Marie, can you just get back to the inside please? The last thing I need to worry about is you pulling out the V card in a parked car with King Jackass during a party at the Club.” Right when I say that, I know I say it but cannot take it back.
Double dammit!
“What? Did she just refer to you as a virgin, Sadey?” Ace looks...pissed? Well this is new show. I’ve never seen the little snake show any emotion other than perversion, which in fact is an emotion if you’re Ace and you excel at it daily, and he does.
Sadey looks away, but he grabs her face with his hands and points her chin so she’s forced to be face to face with him.
“Answer me, now.” Yep, he’s pissed. Really pissed.
“Y-Y-YES OKAY! I’m a living, breathing, walking, anomaly dammit. I’m a virgin. I haven’t fucked, my cherry is intact, and I’m fresh….” She tries to continue but Ace roars.
“FUCK! What the FUCK are you doing with me then? DAMMIT! I’m not taking something from you that you still have, and apparently at your age you mean to still have. How could you even keep this from me? You knew where things were headed before Little Miss Sassy shows up and stops our.... Dammit woman, what is wrong with you? FUCK!”
Swallowing my snarky comment that I’m about to unleash at him for his obvious insult into my intrusion I just grab Sadey by the arm and pull her to me before stepping nose to nose with Ace.
“Well you stupid dumbass, maybe since you fuck so many women or because you are just plain stupid, you should provide a questionnaire before fucking anything that walks! Let’s see, you could ask them about STD’s, if they enjoy ass play, if they have ever been with a man!”
“DAMMIT!” is all he says before storming off towards the Club.