by A. C. Bextor
My heart sinks a bit for Honor as I sit here remembering that morning because he was so scared, you could see it in his eyes. I had walked up to him, as I watched him fiddle with his bags behind him. I grabbed him in my hands and whispered close and quiet into his ear, “Remember our deal, you keep your shit together then when you get back you and I, we’re going to talk about Kegs with you for a night out, dinner and a movie. How’s that?” His smile broadened against my cheek and I kept him held to me. I was glad I could help calm him, if ever so briefly. He’s only 20, this is his first ride and it is a big one.
Then I walked to Hem, he looked so concerned and unaided. I hated sending him off like that when I knew he felt so misplaced. One slip out there and it could mean the end of him and his boys.
As I neared his bike I grabbed his face before he could object and I looked into those same eyes that mirrored mine, our mothers, “Hem, I love you. I pissed as fuck at you right now, but love trumps being pissed so consider yourself lucky. No worry though because I will still be pissed later when you’re back here and I’m going to have even more pissed all bottled up so you had best be ready for the Mace wrath! Ride safe, don’t waste time, you just do what you gotta do then get your ass back here and work your shit out, all of it.” I hugged him so tight and for far too long because I needed to remember this, just in case. He didn’t push me away either, he was logging it into his mental inventory as well.
“Got it, Mace. When you see mom you need to tell her I will see her as soon as I get back, she will need to hear this, okay? Love you, sis.” I nodded, knowing he was right. Mom was always worried about Hem when he was on a ride, she knew Doc. I was young then, but I remember Doc coming to the house, even before Hem had formally met him. He had met my mom in town long ago and they got along well. So opposite each other in every way but they stayed friends through the years. My mom was upset that he was coming around the house though, she told me he saw something in Hem and wanted to help him. She didn’t want that life for Hem, but knew if someone would watch over Hem it would be Doc.
I knew Shame was standing behind my brother, but I couldn’t look back. No way could I have framed him in my mind with that same indifferent look on his face that held for me yesterday. I needed to remember any good times that week with him, just to keep it together.
I still love Shame, hell I know I always will, hurt or heart be damned. I started to walk back up to the door and open it, however I was pushed aside as I tried to walk through because at the same time Sadey had come barreling out like the damn house was on fire!
“Hem! God. Wait, Hem! Hold on!” So much for playin’ it cool, friend. She swore to me she was going to stay calm.
She was running to him as if she hadn’t seen in him in years and once she got close enough to him he had put his hands and arms out in front of him so that she could run straight into them. God, to anyone witnessing this they would have to believe these two had done this every single day.
“I love you, Bear. See you next week, okay?” She just said like it was just an ordinary every day Sunday and he was going to the market to pick up dinner.
He grabbed her, pulled her up and rested her on his lap the best he could while he sat on the bike, such a signature Sadey and Hem snapshot.
“Sugar, I will see you next week. We will talk then, okay? Now get your ass off my bike and away from me before I decide to postpone this damn trip and tie your ass up just for fun.” He winked as she got up and just stood by him while he finished with his pack.
I had to look away. They really were perfect together, perfect for each other. He loved her so much and seeing them together like that before he left, it was too much. He was giving her this even if wasn’t sure what their future together would bring, he was giving her an unspoken peace and she didn’t even know it.
I was battling my own demons knowing I was going to be letting Shame go without so much as a word, and I hurt for that. My pride was challenging me at that moment and I told myself wouldn’t fold. Looking back now, how stupid was that?
Then I had heard it. That familiar growl coming from behind Hem. I felt like I could feel him surround me, consume me, and touch me. When I turned around to face the growl, Shame was standing by his bike, he was leaning into it with his helmet under his arm as he stared directly at me.
“C’mere, come over to me. This is important, Mace.” I froze. “Now, girl. Not a fan of askin’ twice.” To risk or not to risk more heartache is what I had asked myself as I stood wavering back and forth with indecision. Then he raised his eyebrows with impatience.
Risk. I decided as I walked to him; if this were the last time I saw him than I needed a form of goodbye, something that I could keep with my own bank of memories good or bad. This thought tugged at my heart until I started speaking out loud. “What is important, Shame? What is so important that you are breaking your skilled mask of indifference to speak to me? Because I can’t take anymore right now, not now. You wanna fuck me up emotionally some more, can we get a rain check? I’m all fucking hurt out! Gave it all away this weekend when You. Broke. My. Heart!”
I’m screaming now, but I’m not finished. “So, if what is so Goddamn important that you know you are going to inflict more pain and agony on me, please I’m asking, no I’m going to beg here for you to just spare me. Save it for when you get back, or save it for a rainy day. I don’t fucking care but just don’t say anything that I will sit in my dark room later and mourn about, okay?”
Wow, I had just mean to say ‘what’ in response to him. Not all of that. I heard a few sighs and gasps within the audience around us. He didn’t say anything for a few beats, I know this because my heart was beating against my chest and I was counting its rhythm so I had something else to focus on other than his almost thoughtful look.
“You done? Done with your little tirade? Any other day I would be glad to lock your tantrum down my own way and it sure as hell would something you would remember and deserve darlin’, but we are leaving here soon. Damn Mace. Fuck if you don’t just make this shit that much harder. I love your face, do you understand that? No matter what, Mace. I. Love. Your. Face.”
I just stared at him, not moving or even blinking, so afraid he would take those words back, as if it were some sick joke so I could hurt more. There I was though, that girl I said I wasn’t and wouldn’t be, the girl who deliberates her own faults waiting for her man to come back to her after he’s treated her so poorly. Fuck that. He maintains that hard look, “Say something if you get me, Sweetheart.”
I had gathered myself and quickly slipped on my own skilled mask of indifference. “Yeah, sure, okay Shame. I get it. Be safe, please watch out for Honor and Hem for me.”
This is the most we had said to each other since I watched him at the Club party walking away with Winnie and Bloom. He just nodded, started the bike, and put his helmet on. That was it.
I had walked to Sadey and pulled her away from Hem. She started sobbing. Shame pulled out first, leading the group. Then Hem had nodded to Honor to follow behind Shame, and then he paused at Sadey and I, gave us a quick nod then pulled in behind to take the back. My boys, I thought as looked forward at Hem and Shame, they were protecting my newest little middle duck.
*****
So now I’m home getting ready for the day and first thing on my agenda is that I’m going to go see mom. I’ve called into work for the morning because I want to see her while dad is preoccupied. The last three visits I have had with mom, dad has always been there while I talked to her. She sleeps a lot and she is being kept medicated due to the pain, but dad is so overprotective of her and he tells me he is afraid that someone will upset her and make matters worse so he now sits with me during my visits. He also claims it is so if she needs anything or gets upset he can be there to calm her. I can’t talk about Hem in front of him so she doesn’t even know that he’s gone, not that she would really remember. She is quite out of it. Today though, he’s not there. He left town with Greyson ye
sterday and isn’t due back until this evening. This gives me a chance to see my mom with only the nursing staff present.
“Mama, Hi there.” I bend over to kiss her cheek. The bed is large, and it takes my whole body to get close enough to her. She looks like she’s on an island there, alone. I have brought her some flowers. Flowers make the room look less dismal, right?
I quickly rearrange some things on her dresser so I can place the flowers. I look back at her through the mirror at her sleeping. She looks so frail and even in sleep, she looks worried. Her eyes are closed, I don’t really want to wake her but I want her to know I’m here and I need to tell her about Hem.
I step closer to her and put my hand gently against her cheek. She’s warm, that feels like a twisted relief but it is my reality of her now.
“Mama, can you wake up for me? It’s Mace, I came to visit you today you know, for our girl time.”
She feels so warm to the touch that I move the blanket back away from her neck. When I do I’m shaken, I see bruising on her neck near the collarbone. These bruises aren’t just ordinary bruises either. Some look new, some old. The colors are a varied array of painful areas in no particular pattern. Oh Mama.
The nurse comes in as she’s pushing a cart with all mom’s morning medications dosed out in individual cups. She sighs wearily at me. I don’t recognize her, but she looks at me with concern laced in her thought.
“Good morning, Ma’am. I’m about to give her some meds. She’s been sleeping most of the morning so she may be about ready to wake up for a little bit before breakfast, you want to help me get these in her?” She points to the small cart where four small white cups are filled with medicine.
She looks at mom and she sees now that I’ve see the bruising. She looks at me and tries to explain. “This is normal honey, her blood is breaking down and causing the discoloration. She’s alright.”
I don’t believe her, not because it doesn’t sound plausible but because she’s looking at me with regret. I don’t answer her explanation, I just stare down to mom who is starting to struggle her way out of sleep.
She blinks quickly, “Mace, is that you beautiful girl?” I grab for her hand and she squeezes, keeping her eyes closed.
“Hi Mama, yes it’s me, I’m here. I wanted to stop by before work and see if you needed anything. Hem is out of town but he will be back soon to see you. You feeling alright, I mean are you comfortable?”
“I’m fine honey. Let’s talk. I’ve got much to say before my energy fails me.” I was right when I noticed her worried sleep, she’s upset about something.
“I need to administer these then I will leave you two alone.” The nurse says ‘alone’ in a cryptic tone as if I’m supposed to catch some hidden meaning. What the heck?
She continues to sit mom up just long enough to give her the meds then lays her back down and adjusts her pillows behind her, making sure she’s comfortable. Then she grabs the cart and tells mom she will be back in about 10 minutes with breakfast. Mom has yet to let go of my hand.
“Mace, I need to talk to you… I’m so tired honey... so tired. I don’t have long for girl time today.” She closes her eyes tightly then relaxes them and now I think she’s sleeping again but she continues. “Evil... man can be... I hurt... I loved him Mace, your... father. I loved him. He loved me too. There is so much evil... coming.”
What is she talking about? I am so confused as well as startled. Hem isn’t here and right now, I need him so much. He would know how to help her.
“Mom please, wake up. Tell me what’s evil Mama? Are you scared about going, dying I mean? Leaving us? We’re going to be okay, I promise.” I’m crying on her hand as she lays next to me, unmoving. No doubt that I have very little time left with her.
She moves again just slightly. Her eyes stay closed but she starts talking again and with more emotion and strength, then quickly it dissipates again. “He promised me the world. He did love Hem, Mace. He promised to protect...always love... then all the evil came years... later. He found out, baby.”
Her eyes have yet to open but she holds my hand with all her strength. “Be careful with... instinct, Mace... evil is there.”
Then her eyes open very wide, as though she just remembered something dark and it is scaring her. I lean in closer, she’s about to say something but stops. She lays her head down in comfort then she’s gone back to sleep, instantly.
“Oh Mom, I’m so sorry. I love you so much.”
Silent tears are slipping from my eyes down my nose as I lean into her hand on the bed, gripping it for comfort. “I was a spoiled rotten brat to you for so long. Thank you for loving me, Mom. Thank you for loving Hem and I both.”
I drop her hand, reach for the covers to cover her back up, bend down to kiss her cheek, and turn to walk away. Pausing though, I look back at her. This may be the last time I see her alive, I can’t dwell for long because I need to get hold of Hem and have him get back here to say goodbye to her before it’s too late.
I wish I knew what she was talking about that was so evil. Wondering if maybe she was just dreaming? I know the stories of her and dad, how they met and how he initially loved Hem. The way she is talking though, he always loved Hem. God, maybe things would have been so much different if Hem’s dad wasn’t part of a Club. Dad always hated that, made him sick that Hem came from that then walked into it again just as soon as Doc agreed to let him in. If Hem’s dad wasn’t in a Club though, then Hem wouldn’t be the person he is today. Protective, loving, and even a closet romantic. I wouldn’t change anything about him, not one damn thing.
Making my way into the daylight outside, the sun is bright and my eyes are trying to adjust. I am looking down fumbling with my phone in haste because even though I know I am to never contact Hem personally while he’s on a ride I’m about to break that promise. He needs to be here to see Mom because her time is up. Being selfish I can admit that I need him here with me right now to help me through this.
*ME: Hem, you need to come back. No danger, but I just left Mom and she’s not good. Come back as soon as you can please. xxoo. M.
I don’t wait for a reply because most likely I won’t get one from him, if I do get any response it will come from Honor so that Hem isn’t distracted during business.
So lost in my own thought that I am completely taken off guard with what is coming for me. Putting my phone away in my bag I miss the hand that comes to grasp my lower arm and holds me tight. I’m frightened until I look up into the eyes of hate, then I’m terrified.
“Well, lookie here at you. My Mace.” Greyson, fuck.
His tone is laced with anger. He and dad must be back early. He isn’t dressed in his suit today and he looks terrible and more so, he looks threatening. His jaw is working hard, ticking in anger directed for me. I haven’t seen him since the day at the coffee shop when he hissed at me as I broke things off.
“Are you here to see your mother, Mace? How is she doing?” He gives me a sly wicked smile that makes my skin crawl. Evil. Is this what mom was warning me about? I need to get out of here.
“Let me go Greyson, you’re hurting me.”
I try to struggle against his hold but this only tightens his grip on me. He starts to pull me closer and grabs my chin, trying to avoid eye contact I look down to avoid his predatory glare. That’s when I see his jeans, he’s fucking turned on right now. Quickly I go from being scared to fucking frantic. “GREYSON, STOP!” I scream as loud as my broken voice can so that I draw attention in the drive.
“Leave her alone, Greyson. What the fuck do you think you are doing?” Dad. Oh God dad, thank you. Dad comes walking towards us in quick motion.
“Mace, what are you doing here? You know I don’t want you upsetting your mother. She needs her rest.” He looks glacial but maybe he’s concerned I’ve left her in a bad state or he saw what Greyson was doing to me before he cut in.
“Dad, she’s fine. I just stopped in real quick to drop off some flowers before the weekend.
She never woke up, so I just arranged them in her room and left because I need to get to work, I’m late.”
He actually looks relieved to the fact he believes I didn’t talk to mom. Honestly I don’t know why I lied. Between mom’s outlandish warning and the nurse’s very odd behavior I’m not sure if I should really talk about any of this to anyone but Hem, so I’m playing it off and working to get out of here without further incident.
“Okay well, you need to get going then.” He says sternly.
“Okay dad. If anything changes with her, you will call me?”
“Yes, now you need to get to work dammit so head on out of here, Mace.” He leans in and gives me a hard peck on the top of my head. Why is he trying so hard to get me to leave?
I start moving past him, dad makes no move for any more physical contact. I hesitantly wait for anything, a pat on the shoulder or a hug, but I get no reaction. I pass him and then he turns to watch me leave, almost ensuring that Greyson remains quiet and in place. That has to be what this is all about, he must have seen Greyson’s rough hands on me.
Greyson still looks at me with that evil stare. I get to my car and quickly get in and while buckling up I hear Greyson let out a roar while he’s standing in front of dad, looking at me.
“You’re a fucking whore, Mace. You deserve whatever you get, you know that? You are a fucking whore!” God, he is screaming so loud, then abruptly his screaming stops.
My dad grabs him by the back of his jacket and turns him around, heads butts him in the face and I watch as Greyson immediately goes down with a hard thud to the ground. I’m so thankful I’m inside my car because I’m feeling dizzy.
I’ve never seen dad this furious. He raises his head from Greyson, who now lays on the ground in front of him and lifts his head to me. He nods toward the road, an indication that I am expected to drive away, and not get out of my car to check if either of them is alright.