by A. C. Bextor
Suddenly I feel tugging at my side and I see Sadey grab the nearby trashcan and she loses it. I want to believe that this is morning sickness, but I know it isn’t. I’m so scared all this stress is going to cause her another hospital stay, or worse. I hold back her hair and pat her back through her sickness, it’s all I can do for her right now. I’m in just as much shock as she is. I’m also pissed off that no one took even a moment to tell us this news.
I swallow and look at Sadey who is now standing completely still now as if she’s ignoring her body’s reaction to the news she just heard. No way, this is not true. Greyson wouldn’t do this to me and he told me once he was rather fond of Sadey when she wasn’t around any of the Club brothers, surely he wouldn’t hurt her. Not even for his hate of Hem and his family.
“You know what Sweetie, how about you rest and Sadey and I will go look for Kegs, I know she does want to see you. I promise she does. Just try and understand, if you can. It is hard for her to wrap her head around this.” I’m trying too hard to stay calm but what Cherry just told us and remembering the fury from Hem, I’ve got to go find him before he does something reckless.
“Okay, guess I will wait here for her but please don’t force her in here. When she sees this, she won’t ever forget it.” She gives me a small smile and closes her eyes and rests her head on her pillow again.
Sadey leans in, never saying a single word the entire time we are in this room and kisses her temple. Even though she’s barely keeping herself together, she’s putting on her mothering mask for Cherry.
Chapter Seventeen:
“Go all the way with it, do not back off. For once, go all the goddamn way with what matters.”
--Ernest Hemingway
It’s been two weeks now since Cherry was found at the lake after getting that call to Sadey’s cell phone. She’s still in the hospital and expected to be there for the better part of a month. Hem has instructed the hospital staff that he is to be billed for everything, sparing no expense. Once he told Cherry this, she started to cry uncontrollably and since Hem really is good with words he consoled her just as I would have, probably better. He told her that she is part of this family, even though informally. Her eyes showed the first sign of hope for the first time since this all happened. She’s been getting some much needed mental therapy as well. Shame recommended the shrink he had used years ago after all that had happened with his family and the devastation he had suffered through.
Sadey and Hem are doing great. She has yet to tell Hem about the baby. She’s so scared and both Ace and I agreed because of what has happened that we will give her just a couple more weeks. She was thankful for this and I think it probably was best for everyone. When Hem learns of his new baby I want him to be able to embrace the idea and not have to focus on anything else. Ace has been good too, he’s trying to let Sadey go. I think he’s coming to terms that she’s with Hem and the pregnancy has really moved this along. No way would she ever leave him before but maybe in the back of his mind he thought she might, until he heard the doctor give the news of the baby, then his hope was forever diminished.
Shame and I are perfect, we are content and happy. Although we have not steered clear of heartbreak entirely, we are holding our own now. I don’t know if I will still ever be enough and only time can tell me this. I’m willing to try though, for him. Just to have him in my life I would risk the heartache.
Nothing has come up from the Hood news or Cherry’s unfortunate circumstance. Hem finally released us all from the Club as long as the women of the group check in constantly and also agreed to have strict access on where they would roam. He encouraged even the Club girls, to include my friend Bloom, to hang around the Club as much as they want. The four of us have been staying at Sadey and I’s place. It gives us a getaway from the bullshit reminders of our situation, kind of.
My mom’s health is failing quickly now. I do visit her, of course dad is there as always. He’s so protective of her, I’m starting to be more concerned with him now though because once she’s gone, really gone and not just bed ridden, what is going to fill his time? He’s mentioned a few times that he wants to travel after she leaves us. He told me that after the day with Greyson in the driveway that he cut ties with him completely. He sounded disgusted at both Greyson and me and blames us both for that day and the behaviors that we allowed. Unsure how I’m to blame though, strikes me as odd because Dad never blamed me. I know he’s probably very upset that Greyson and I didn’t work out but this wasn’t about him. I can’t say with any certainty that even if Shame hadn’t come and taken me from Greyson that we would have ever been married. I don’t know if I would have really been happy with him so dad’s attempts to guilt me into ever going back never would have worked. Maybe that’s why he’s so put off and angry with me. I wouldn’t change my decisions, maybe just have gone about them differently though.
Standing in the hallway, leaving a sleeping Shame in his room, I can smell morning coffee from here. I walk into the kitchen of my home and see the same picture I always see, almost every morning. Hem has Sadey on his lap holding her tight. The woman is allowed to put her ass on furniture I’m sure, just not when he’s around. Cave dweller!
“Good morning, Sis. Sleep well?”
“Yes, I did. I was beat.”
“Sadey and I are going to go see mom this morning. I talked to dad’s neighbor Mr. Anders and he’s been keeping dad busy as much as he can and today he is taking dad golfing so we are heading over there to see her. Do you wanna go or are you and sleeping beauty going to just keep going at it like rabbits? Jesus, I hate that I know how you sound while you’re ummm... ya know. It really is fuckin’ gross!”
“Shut the hell up, Hem. You think it’s better for me to hear you spanking on Sadey’s ass all hours of the night? Damn, she can’t enjoy that. Hell, my ass hurts for her! How about you two either get your own place, Shame and I get our own place, or you two stay at the Club? We all need a break from each other’s... ummm... noises.”
He puts his tongue in Sadey’s ear as I stop talking and she squeals with surprise, he didn’t hear a word I said after ‘shut the hell up’. Never mind!
As I’m starting another pot of coffee I hear a knock at the door. Instantly, still on alert from whatever is going on, we all look at each other. Shame is not out here so I’m unsure if I should answer it. When trouble knocks, it’s always good to have backup.
Hem lifts Sadey off his lap and puts her on the chair, telling her sternly not to move. He never has to tell her anything twice because the woman is putty in his hands, he knows it. She just looks to me like I’m supposed to know what to do. Oh the hell if I do.
Hem goes to the door and looks outside the peephole quickly and gives off a feral growl when he sees who it is. I don’t get the chance to ask who it is because he opens the door with his chest out, looking as though he’s challenging the person out there. “Fucking Warren Cash, what the fuck do we owe this fucking morning visit from the good father?” Hem stares, not inviting him in.
I come around Sadey and head to the front door and apparently I see a hell of a lot more than Hem, because the man I see in front of me is not in the least bit challenging or angry or confrontational. Shit, he looks empty. Right away I know, it is about mom. Before he even says it I do. “Mom’s gone isn’t she, Daddy?”
He doesn’t say anything. His eyes are so tired and sad. Anyone could see he’s been crying. Before I can start to console my dad, Father Marcus bounds up behind him, almost breathless. He doesn’t say anything because he has to sense by the look on our faces that the news has already been spilled.
“Yes, Patrick and Mace, your mother is gone. She’s at peace now. The nurses went to give her meds this morning and her breathing was so shallow that by the time they woke me to go to her, she was already gone.”
Dad doubles over as Father Marcus puts his hand on my dad’s back. The man is broken. I am shocked and Hem is just standing there clenching his jaw. He’s an
gry. He and Sadey were on their way to her today and now it’s too late. Not that Hem hasn’t said goodbye to mom. I mean, every time we have seen her the last three weeks we were fairly sure it could have been the last time but now that she’s really gone it just doesn’t seem real.
“Dad, do you want to come in? I can make you some tea?”
“No, I’m not coming in there with him.” He looks to Hem in utter distaste. Shit, mom’s been gone all of two minutes from Hem and I and he and dad are ready to duke it out.
“We need to go, make arrangements and such. Mace, Hem, if there is anything you need in way of guidance or prayer I trust you will seek me out.” I nod and Hem finally tears his eyes from my dad and nods to Father Marcus as he turns my dad away while consoling him.
I shut the door and turn back to a crying Sadey. She never once moved from where she was left upon Hems instruction, but once the door clicked shut and she knew my father was gone, the woman was on her feet flying to Hem and I. We hold her in a comforting hug as Hem tries to hold back his tears. I’m certain he will let them fall eventually, maybe in the company of only himself but he will have to grieve.
Damn it Sadey, will there ever be a good time to drop it to him that he’s going to be a dad?
*****
The funeral is as tasteful as a funeral can be. Dad spared no expense for Mom. Mirroring her life, it was all it could have been. She’s being buried in the town’s cemetery, under a tall oak tree. Believe it or not, Hem has the open burial spot to her right and dad on her left once they pass. Ironic really, she was so torn between them for so many years that finally in death they will stay beside her, together.
Dad gave a eulogy and at that point I couldn’t contain my grief. He spoke of how much he loved a beautiful woman and felt she needed him her whole life, until she neared death and that’s when he realized it was he that needed her. By then he said, it was too late to extract comfort from her, she was too weak and frail. Her suffering was senseless and that it will plague him forever. He also said there was no other woman in the world for him, just Mom.
Hem too, got up and said a few words as well. He told everyone how blessed he was to have learned from her about love and even though she was a person that never loved out loud, he never doubted how much she cared for us. Once everyone thought he was finished as he started to step away and Father Marcus stood from his chair to take back the service, Hem turned to me with a look of renewed determination.
He had asked me the day she died what I thought about him reciting the poem he had given Mom on Mother’s Day when he was 13, he was so young and his words so simple then. I told him if he felt this would help his grief then certainly and it may even help others heal. I didn’t think he heard me, he was just so unsure. He turned back to the podium. He knew the poem by heart, ever the poet that he really is. I’ve read this poem so many times at Moms, she had laminated it and put it on the fridge. She had never moved it, all these years. I imagine I could almost read it from memory now too. He is about to recite it for everyone here, with his head held down as if it is a prayer.
Mother you are mine.
Hand in hand and heart in heart.
Never a time am I alone, as long as you are here.
You’ve been a part of me from the start.
Your arms are holding when comfort escapes me.
You love surrounds me when I feel most alone.
Your hands are healing when I lay sick.
You’ve promised me that you will always love me, even once I’ve grown.
He takes a pause. I look up and see he is trying to get a hold of himself as all our family and friends look at him with deep sadness. I glace at my Dad, who holds his head low in grief. Maybe Dad is starting to realize the war between he and Hem should have been ended years ago, for Mom’s sake.
Then I hear Hem, he starts to continue but the poem has changed. It’s not what it used to be, he’s changed the words and I’m not familiar with it anymore. I lift my head and as I look at him I see my big, strong, tough, fearless brother shake. His hands, legs, and voice are trembling but he continues.
I never told you enough Mama,
At least never that you could hear.
Although we are of blood, I’m no reflection of you.
You were everything so good, true, and dear.
I’m going to miss you Mama.
I’m so sorry I didn’t say ‘Goodbye’.
God knows I tried to save you Mama,
Never believed it was your time to….
Hem stops, he lifts his head and his eyes meet mine. He can’t keep going. He’s asking me without words to help him. I get up, handing Shame my bible and giving Sadey’s thigh a squeeze in comfort and then I run to him. He envelopes me in a hug so tight and he lets it go, he lets it all out. In front of God, the Parrish, and our family and friends he says his goodbye to his Mama, his way.
“She’s gone now. I miss her already, Sis. I should have been a better son and its gutting me. She never deserved me and all the trouble that came to her just for loving me.” He is sobbing into my shoulder as we stand at the back of the church waiting for the service to end.
“No, you don’t understand. Mom loved you Hem. She was always so proud and protective of you. I remember when Doc would come over years and years ago for a visit, she would all but threaten the man telling him he had better be taking care of you. She meant it too. You know Mom, you just do not cross the angry woman. Doc would fill her in on all your work at the Club and how you were making it a better place, she would glow. She was honored to be your mom.” I’m trying to lighten his guilty load, but a person feels how they feel sometimes.
“Let’s get out of here please, I’m fuckin uncomfortable being in this place.”
“A church Hem? Really?” I roll my eyes but take his arm in mine and walk back to the front just as Father Marcus is finishing the service.
It’s taking us awhile to get through the condolences offered by everyone. We are exhausted and Shame and Sadey have left us to get things ready at the Club. Anytime anyone passed away it has always been tradition, from forever ago, that we celebrate their life. This was going to be tough because it was our mother. We realize she is in a better place but still the pain was new and open. When mom told us she was sick she had pleaded with us to help her die, I told Hem this is part of that. We are going to remember her tonight and celebrate.
I talked to Sadey about the baby this morning. I’ve asked her, actually Ace and I both pleaded with her that if the timing seemed right it would be a good time to tell Hem about it. She didn’t agree but said she would think about it. I’m starting to believe that the only way Hem will find out about this baby is if he ever notices she’s eating like a mother lion and she’s gaining weight. Morning sickness hasn’t steered her away from chocolate, chips, or gummy bears.
We are saying goodbye now to the Parrish and thanking them. Dad disappeared a while ago and Father Marcus told us he has a long way to go to recover and asks that Hem and I check up on him. Of course I will, not Hem.
“I’m ready anytime, let me freshen up before going outside though. I will be right back.”
“Hurry the fuck up, I need out of this Goddamn monkey suit.” Rolling my eyes because my brother is in a suit and he’s swearing in a church, I straighten his tie for him and he pushes my hand away like he’s 10 years old and he doesn’t want the other kids to see me fussin’ over him. Mom would laugh at this, she would love it.
“I’ll be right back, don’t be difficult. We will have you back in your ‘scary wear’ soon and you can have a few drinks.”
He snorts at me as I walk away. Such a baby!
I am leaving the bathroom, mascara free now that I’ve wiped my raccoon eyes and I’m looking down putting my Kleenex in my bag and I run smack into Greyson. Jesus Christ he looks scary, angry, bitter… shit. I can’t move, not even if I wanted too. I’m frozen. Cherry has told me he did this to her, but I’ve no evidence so I’m not s
ure I even believe her.
“Well Hello, my Mace. Look at you.” God he says my name like it’s a dirty word. I’m fucking petrified right now but I know I can’t show him that. I straighten my shoulders and look him in the eye. I’m going to barter here, I’m going to sell myself out in hopes he gets what he wants from me, a genuine apology, and then maybe he will leave me the fuck alone.
“Greyson, Hi. I wanted to apologize to you for the last time we saw each other. Maybe I over reacted. I had just left from visiting my mom and you know the condition she was in. I’m sorry.”
“Fuck you, Mace. You left me remember? You don’t want to be my friend now, stop acting as if you do. Actually it is good running into you. I like seeing you like this, so put together and confident. Won’t be long though, Princess. Not long at all. You will get everything you and that fucking ‘biker badass’ excuse for a human being has coming to you both. Mark it, bitch.”
I swallow, choking a bit but holding it back. Oh my god. He’s so angry, not just anger but he completely loathes Hem and I. All because I left him? I didn’t know him at all. Suddenly I’m wishing I hadn’t told Shame to leave Hem and I. Everyone has cleared out and all that left is a few of the Parrish members and some of my mom’s old friends. Shit. Thank God I don’t have to think for long. In seconds Greyson walks past me, pushing me roughly with his shoulders. I fall against the wall and take inventory of myself. Damn, I’ve got to get to Hem.
*****
Hem and I are finally back at the Club. I explained to him Greyson’s behavior when I ran into him and Hem was pissed at me. AT ME! He thinks I should have stalled him until Hem came looking for me. Seriously? I was so scared when he approached me I couldn’t think straight, let alone try to get him to stay close to me until the cavalry arrived. Hell, Hem was whining when I left, who knows how long he would have taken. Either way, I did what I felt was right and tried to soothe him and when that didn’t work I was just glad to see him go! Hem can be mad, stay mad, whatever. At least with Hem being pissed at me, unnecessarily, he is over his emotional breakdown from the funeral.