by A. C. Bextor
I’m so relieved that Mace came back to the Club this evening. She needed to put things to rest with Hem. She’s been dealing with his loss so slowly before going to see him today, I’m hoping she heals now that she has finally said goodbye. God, I know I need heal too but I don’t know how to do anything without him here helping me, including this.
I’m in this room again, our room, and I feel so out of place here. The memories of us are everywhere but here the memories seem real. It is so quiet, sometimes I feel I can actually hear Hem talking to me in rhythm of Patrick’s breaths as he sleeps.
No one knows that I’m going crazy, but I am. I’m losing my mind a bit more every day. I am struggling to let him go because I don’t want to let him go. I loved him so long that my heart beats to a broken measure without him.
“Hem, can you hear me? I need your help and I know you’re there. I can feel something. I can hear you sometimes ya know, I swear I do and I know I feel you here in this room with me.
I think you talk to Patrick when he sleeps, you watch over him in his dreams, do you go to him? Does he know you yet?
I need you. I spent my life walking this path from dark to light, Hem. I need your light, please send me your light again. Everything here is so dark without you.
I miss you so much, you left me and I’m so angry at you for it. We haven’t had enough yet! Damn you, Hem!
You are my calm, you give me quiet when things aren’t how I need them to be. Please come calm me now.
I see you in every face, Hem. Honor, Mace, Shame, and Patrick. God, it is just suffocating me, I can’t breathe.
There is no car, plane, or train to take me to where you are. I can’t get to you now. I can’t reach you. I’ve been left behind and I can’t accept it.
Can you take me with you? Just help me find you.
Tell me you’re there, please. Tell me you can hear me. I miss you, please come back for me.”
Maybe I really don’t feel him here. I think I just need to believe he is so close so that I don’t feel alone. I’m so tired, I feel weak from worry.
Our beautiful boy lays beside me, I lay my hand on his chest to feel his breathing. I cuddle him close to me, curled into my side. I’m holding him tight and keeping him safe. I find peace with our child in my arms, I’m finally ready to sleep.
“Why, darling, I don't live at all when I'm not with you.”
--Ernest Hemingway
--Hem--
Hello, baby.
Yes love, he knows me. I’ve been watching over him since I left. The breath you hear from him that’s us honey, you and I - shared in our boy.
I’m sorry I can’t be there to teach him about life. You need to do this now. You’re strong enough, I know that you are.
Teach him to be honorable and take care of all the people in his life.
Teach him to respect women. You as his mother and Aunt Mace lead him by example, showing him the love he should expect from a wife because he will be a husband someday, and he will need the practice.
You have to show him that a love worth fighting for can withstand anything, even death. We are witness to this now.
Have him learn about life’s tough lessons from Shame, Shame has a lot of those lessons to teach.
Protect him from himself when he starts to overthink things as I did, help him come to the honorable decisions, just as you always did for me. Be that same anchor for him, when he feels the storm is too consuming to shelter it alone.
Tell him never to take love for granted, life goes by too fast and can change too soon. Regrets cost too much in the end.
Share with him our childhood stories. Take him to the lake and the treehouse that we built for you and protected as kids.
Teach him of his name and tell him that it was born from a brotherhood, a bond, and a family.
Most of all, be sure to tell him that his father would have made the decision to leave him again and again if it meant keeping him safe. Ultimate sacrifices are worth it every single time.
Please don’t be angry anymore and forgive me for leaving. It wasn’t a decision that came at no price to me. I would have stayed with you if I could have.
Kiss my boy every night from me and don’t let him forget I’m always with him.
I have to go now, Sugar. It’s time. I’m at peace here. Doc and I have a lot catching up to do, there’s an endless open road that stretches wide here for us.
You’re going to be okay.
Last, I say to you now with heavy heart, that there is someone else for you there waiting on me to let you go. He loves you just as much as I do, never doubt that. I can see it in him now, you are a part of his dreams. He’s young and so strong. He will love my son and keep you both safe for me in my absence.
You won’t have to look for him baby, he’s already on his way to you.
Be happy. I’m counting on that, Sadey girl.
Always yours.
Table of Contents
Cover
Copyright Notificaton
Title
Acknowledgements
Table of Contents
Introduction
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Epilogue