I thanked her after she left me there and had I known how truly tragic the evening was going to turn; I would’ve followed my gut instinct and went to the Care Room. I would’ve told Minikin that I wanted nothing more to help her. I would’ve told her that she was still of much worth. I would’ve told her that somehow it was going to be okay.
But I never did go and it was something that I would regret and hate myself for later on.
Six
“God, I wish I spoke the fucking language around here!” I shouted angrily as I sat down on my bed feeling defeated.
I had just come back from desperately trying to coerce one of the grandmothers into letting me into the Care Room, but the language barrier and probable heads up from Kerstan, made it beyond impossible.
I reached under my bed for my cigarettes and let out a shout of frustration when I pulled out an empty pack. If ever there was a time that I needed some nicotine it was at that exact moment. I crushed the pack in my hand before I threw it across the room. The other girls stole glances at me before starting to gossip amongst themselves. Christ only knows what they’ve heard, but what they’ve seen so far holds true; any of them who get close to me get punished and I didn’t know why.
There has to be some way to get down to her. There has to be some way to let her know that I was forced to sit there and watch what happened to her.
“Dames?” an elderly voice called out, snapping me out of my thoughts.
I turned my attention to the door and the eldest of all the grandmothers was standing in the center of the room, while the others dispersed dresses to us.
“When Kerstan returns tonight, he will have with him his wife,” she said in slow, broken English. “You are to not speak a word of what this home is for. She believes it to be a boarding school and you will present yourselves as such. Am I understood?”
The other girls nodded, while I stared at her incredulously. He’s married? And this is a boarding school? Is his wife that fucking stupid?
“There will be many consequences for any of you who break these rules tonight,” she warned before leaving the room behind the other grandmothers.
When she left, I put my dress on, an idea formulating in my mind. No way in hell was I going to let this go on for any longer than it had to. I would bargain with Kerstan; let me take Minikin away from this place and his little, shitty secret would be safe with me. If he didn’t I would expose him to his wife and watch the fire burn.
Dusk fell quickly and the girls and I were led to the dining room again. We were all seated like proper little things when Kerstan entered to room with an extremely elegant woman on his arm. To say she was beautiful would be an understatement; to say she was a goddess would be almost perfect.
“Dames, this is my Xandra Janssen, my wife,” Kerstan said to us.
I was too busy staring at her to care what her name was. She was almost as tall as Margit was and had dark red curls that fell to her back. Her lips were painted dark red to match her hair and her big brown eyes were kind and unassuming. I would compare her skin to ivory; smooth, flawless, and impossibly pale. She was dressed as extraordinarily as Kerstan was and they looked more like they were going to a ball than to have dinner with us.
All of the other girls brightly greeted her, but I sat back in my chair and folded my arms over my chest. Xandra didn’t notice my lack of manners, but Kerstan did and his gaze turned to stone when it settled on me.
“I’m Lieve,” I said getting to my feet and extending a hand.
“Hello Lieve!” she replied in a bright voice, shaking my hand. “It is a pleasure to meet you!”
“Same,” I grinned. “Please, have a seat. I would love to get to know you.”
She smiled widely at Kerstan as she took the seat beside him, which just so happened to be the one that was almost directly across from me. I had planned it perfectly because I wanted him to hear my words. Much like what Minikin believed, I wanted Xandra to believe that I had a hand in this because then it would make sense as to why I had slept with her husband the night before.
The grandmothers entered the room and poured glasses of wine for everyone. Xandra held Kerstan’s left hand and chatted animatedly in Dutch. Since she gestured around the table a few times, I assumed she was impressed with everything he had done.
“You know, I’ve never seen you here before,” I said interrupting their conversation.
“Oh! I visit the school once a year but stay in Utrecht while Kerstan travels between both places,” she said pleasantly.
I nodded and raised the glass of wine to my lips to hide my smile. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the sweat starting to appear on Kerstan’s brow. It was obvious to him what I was going to do and I knew that if I didn’t do this right, I’d probably wind up dead.
“Do you like this school?” she asked, leaning back in her chair and sipping her wine.
“This is definitely not like any other ‘school’ I’ve attended. Doesn’t take much to get on the Dean’s List, does it Kerstan?” I asked, glancing at him.
“Lieve, may I have private words with you?” he asked suddenly.
I nodded and pushed my chair back, while he kissed his wife’s hand before getting to his feet and leading me out of the dining room.
“Banished to the hallway again?” I asked, putting my hands on my hips after he closed the door behind us.
In the blink of an eye, a vicious slap turned my face. Instinct told me to slap him back, which I did.
“You little bitch,” he growled, grabbing me by the hair and slamming me against the wall. The smack of the back of my head against the hard wooden wall blinded me momentarily. But the sudden engulfment of his lips smashing against mine excited me.
I don’t know why. I’ll never know why, but Kerstan’s touch did something to me that I couldn’t find a way to control. I gripped his sides and pulled him harder against me, eagerly and viciously returning his rough kiss. But he pulled away from me as quickly as he kissed me, leaving me standing there, a puddle in my panties, and pinning my arms over my head.
“What do you want from me?” he asked in a husky voice, dripping with desire.
“Minikin; I want to take her away from here before she becomes any more damaged than she already is,” I replied in a shaky tone.
He put his hand around my chin and kissed me again. Passionately, hungrily; everything that I wanted and missed from Theo was now in the form of a man I detested and secretly wished dead. He pressed his desire against me and I wanted him more in that moment than my mind ever wanted anything. Mentally, I was fucked right now.
“No,” he whispered when he pulled away.
The lust I was feeling for Kerstan died in that one word. I twisted my arms away from his grip and gave him a shove, causing him to almost fall over as I walked back into the dining room.
“This isn’t a school,” I announced in a loud voice stopping next to Xandra. The girls gasped, the grandmothers looked terrified, and her? Well she just looked confused.
“Lieve!” Kerstan warned harshly as he entered behind me.
I looked at him over my shoulder, “Last chance. I want Minikin.”
“No,” he said again, his voice shaking in anger.
“Suit yourself,” I replied with a shrug. “Xandra, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but like I said this isn’t a school.”
“Amity,” Kerstan said in a much softer tone. “Don’t do this.”
“This, my dear Mrs. Janssen, is a whore house, run by your husband, and we are his whores. He orchestrated the gang rape of a virgin who I had promised to keep safe. Oh, and I’m sorry to tell you this, but we fucked this morning. He never mentioned he had a wife and I’m his personal slut until I get to the Final Fuck as I’ve come to call it and get the hell out of here.”
I sat down in Kerstan’s chair after my grandstanding was over and watched Xandra’s face turn from interested to horrified. She got up from her chair and looked frantically around the r
oom.
“Is this true?” she asked the other girls, who all looked away.
“That’s a ‘yes’. They’re all just too scared of him to say shit,” I said nodding at Kerstan who was now standing in between me and Xandra.
Kerstan reached out for Xandra, but she shrank away from me. With a sigh, he reached for one of the elaborate metal trays that sat on the table, dumped the food off of it, and cracked it against her face. She fell to floor in a crying, bloody heap and he motioned for the grandmothers to take her. He let the tray fall to the floor before taking the seat where she had been.
“Why do you defy me so?” he asked quietly.
Okay if he did that to his wife, I need to start reeling in the sarcasm and shit, I thought watching two grandmothers help her to her feet and walk her out of the room.
“Lieve, you were warned against that. You were asked not to do this one simple thing and yet you did it anyway. What pleasure do you achieve in defying me?” he asked with a shout, and slamming his fist against the table.
He’s like a sexy Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde who’s gone on the fucking crazy train!
Then something hit me like a ton of bricks; metaphorically speaking. She wasn’t his wife. She couldn’t be. She said she visited the school once a year and this was the first time I had ever seen her. So then who the hell was she?
“New recruit?” I asked nervously.
The smile appeared on his face; the one that made me cringe. The smile gave way to a grin and he nodded.
Fuck. It was a test and I failed. But at what price?
“M ... Minikin?” I asked hesitantly.
“Of no concern to you or I ever again. She will of course be punished for your little display. Six men may have felt like a lot to you before, so this time I will see to it that it is doubled. This was your choice to defy me and now you see that not everything is always as it seems. You will retire to my room tonight and we will look out over the gardens as we did the night before,” he said before he stood and left the room.
Seven
I was kneeling in front of the toilet, wiping away the spit from my mouth with a rolled up piece of toilet paper. I had left the “dinner” of my own will and spent that time until now throwing up. If we were going to watch the gardens that meant that Minikin was going to get raped again and there would be nothing I could do to stop it. I couldn’t deal with it again, not a second time.
“Lieve, come,” one of the grandmothers said, appearing in the doorway of the bathroom. I waved her away without so much as gracing her with a glance. No way in hell was I going to see this shit go down; he would have to watch it by himself.
“You refuse?” she asked curiously.
“Fuck off,” I barked, turning to glare at her over my shoulder.
She immediately left the doorway. I knew this wasn’t going to sit well with him, but I honestly just didn’t care. A few moments later, I hung my head over the bowl again and another bought of fluids came out of me. Tears stained my face and I felt myself becoming exhausted. I closed my eyes and leaned back against the wall, after I cleaned my mouth again and tossed the paper into the toilet.
A hand gently touched my shoulders and my eyes snapped open. It was Janneke (real name and authentic Dutch woman) looking at me with her blue eyes full of concern. She was one of the only ones I could remember being here before me, but we had never spoken two words to each other.
“Get away from me,” I said weakly. “You’ll disappear. Or worse, you’ll end up like Minikin. Please. I’ll be okay, just get away from me.”
She nodded and her hand left my shoulder. I closed my eyes again and sat there, feeling the fatigue take over me and trying to lull me to sleep when Kerstan’s voice robbed me of my almost sleep about a half an hour later.
“Amity?” he asked, pulling the door to the bathroom closed behind him.
“Fuck off.”
He chuckled as he sat down next to me on the dirty bathroom floor. I opened my eyes and rolled my head slowly in his direction. He was looking at me in mostly amusement and partial concern.
“Careful. You don’t want to dirty one of your fancy outfits sitting on this disgusting floor with a mere whore,” I said tiredly.
“Why do you think so little of me?” he asked curiously.
“I don’t have the time or the strength right now to get into that list,” I snapped.
Kerstan laughed (the friendly laugh) and scooted closer to me. I tried to move away from him but found myself stuck between him and the damn toilet bowl with no extra room to maneuver away.
“That dress becomes you,” he said politely.
I glared at him, “Shouldn’t you be off setting up Minikin’s next gang rape?”
Kerstan let out a deep and wounded sigh. He ran a hand back through his hair before reaching for my left hand and holding onto it firmly.
“I know that I act dominant sometimes and I know that I am always not pleasant to you or anyone who you become close with. But these are not my actions of free will. This is what I am instructed to do to you, Amity. Until it is time for you to leave me,” he explained quietly.
Wait a minute.
“You mean someone is telling you to do all of this shit to me?” I asked. “Who is it?”
“That’s not your concern. Not yet, anyway,” Kerstan replied shaking his head. “I get paid a great deal of money for the other girls and their services, but for you ... See, you are a special case. I am to break you down more and more each day and report back to your new owner. Each day I get paid a greater interest sum for what I report back. I can’t send a defiant girl to a man who is paying such a price, so to break you, I will destroy everything around you and make you feel more pain than you’ve ever physically or emotionally have felt.”
“Why do I have to fuck you in the meantime?” I asked, an enormous headache suddenly taking over.
“That’s just for fun. I’ve had you here for a long time and was not, until recently, given the okay to start your break down and reconstruction. Until then I was not allowed to touch you, but now I am,” he explained with a smile.
I broke down sobbing. It wasn’t because I was sad and it wasn’t because I was set up, it was because I allowed my actions to hurt others around me again. I was such a failure at being a good person and I only cared about myself. And that’s what drove Theo away. That’s what took Betje and Margit away from the home and what cost Minikin her virginity in such a brutal fashion.
“Shh, don’t cry,” he said putting his arm around my shoulders. “I appear a bastard around the others because I have to be stern with them. They fear me because they know what I am now capable of with you. But I allow you certain privileges, such as your name and wandering freely in the gardens, because I see how greatly you care for the others, when I cannot.”
“I don’t want to do this anymore,” I said through my sobs. “I just want this to be done and over with. Please, Kerstan, I’m begging you to let me take Minikin away from here. I’ll come back, I promise you, I’ll come back, but she doesn’t deserve to suffer because of my arrogance.”
“I can’t allow that,” he replied quietly.
An instant bout of nausea rolled over me, causing me to lunge for the bowl again. This was a no win situation. I was stuck fucking a man I hated, but thoroughly seemed to enjoy the act. I promised a girl that I would do my best to protect her and get her out of here, but only sit and watch while men force themselves on her.
“Who is it?” I gasped, reaching for some more toilet paper to clean my mouth. “Who is doing this to me?”
Instead of answering me, he stood up and got me to my feet. He reached for another few pieces of paper and cleaned my mouth completely before tossing his and mine in the toilet and flushing it. Kerstan turned the faucet on and checked the temperature of the water before he slightly bent me over and began to wash my face for me. When he was done, he pulled off his fancy vest and wiped my face dry.
I looked at him and wondered
how he could be so gentle and assumingly caring in one moment but smash a tray in someone’s face a few moments before? What was wrong with him?
“What can I do to convince you to let me take her away?” I asked stubbornly.
Kerstan sighed heavily and shook his head. I wanted to save what was left of her. I wanted something that I had broken to have a chance to be fixed and something to be able to love being alive again.
“I can’t let her out of this life per se, but if it makes you rest easier, I can arrange to have her go where Betje went; to a kinder house,” he said, looking into my eyes.
My lower lip trembled, but I felt a smile cross my face. Betje would take care of her once Minikin said my name. If she would even mention me.
“Can I write a letter to Betje? To let her know I’ve been thinking about her? Please?” I asked.
Kerstan nodded, “So then you agree to this? Minikin is to go where Betje went?”
Do I have a choice?
“Yes. I agree. But I want her to go tonight. And I want to be able to say good-bye.”
Kerstan smiled, “You ask for too many things, Amity. She cannot leave until it is arranged. That will take at least a day or two. I will allow you to say good-bye to her and allow you to give her the note intended for Betje, but you will dictate it to me and I will write it.”
“Can I at least write my own name on it? And hers?” I asked quietly.
“Yes.”
He took a step closer to me and lifted my chin gently with the tips of his fingers. I looked into his eyes and he looked into mine as a single tear rolled down my face.
“It will all be over soon, Lieve. I promise,” he said, before kissing me gently and leaving me alone in my beautiful dress in the dirt stained bathroom.
Eight
Two days later on a cool, Sunday morning, I was standing at the doors of the estate holding Minikin tightly in my arms. She was crying because she didn’t want to leave without me, but I told her that this would be my way of keeping her safe. I also told her that she would have a friend as soon as she got there and all she would have to do is give her the envelope.
All That Matters (Red Light Ladies #1) Page 4