Achieving the goal of orgasm may feel like enough of a payoff to keep you interested in sex, at least for a while. But you or your partner may get bored, even though you reach orgasm. It may not seem much more fulfilling than masturbating, and masturbating may be less trouble. And if you start to struggle to be interested, to get aroused, or to reach orgasm, you will likely start to feel bad about sex.
As I described earlier, my take on a healthy view of sex is that it is about pleasure and connection, in varying proportions. Focus on orgasm often makes it difficult to be present in the moment, and it can create pressure and anxiety for one or both partners if sex isn’t a straight line from initiation to arousal to orgasm. Sex is dramatically enhanced when you stop being destination-oriented and start enjoying each step along the journey. It is great fun to play in the space before orgasm: allowing arousal to build, subside, and build again. New possibilities open when you are not driving directly to climax. And if you or your partner struggle with arousal or orgasm, taking the focus off the outcome and learning to enjoy touch and connection allows you to enjoy what you’re doing (and may very well make it easier to reach orgasm later if you want to).
This attitude will serve you well if you ever encounter changes in your life that affect your (or your partner’s) sexual functioning. Whether you have a permanent change at some point or are just faced with a night where you’re too tired to be as responsive as usual, you have more options for pleasure and connection if you enjoy what is without worrying about what may follow.
If you have never had an orgasm or regularly struggle to reach one, it’s worth doing what you can to make that an option, but that still doesn’t mean it should be the focus of your sexual interactions or the marker of success. You may want to work on discovering your way to climax through masturbation or through practice sessions with your partner where that is the focus—but that can be separate from sex where you try not to have a goal. Pull back on the expectations, assume it will not happen right away, and take your time. Then make sure to also have sex where that pressure is off the table.
One reason you may struggle to just enjoy the journey is the concern about what will happen if you want to stop part way through. The fear of disappointing or frustrating your partner can prevent you from even starting to be sexual. To help you address this concern and allow you to relax and enjoy, I encourage you to develop “other endings” that work for both of you in case one of you is really aroused and the other isn’t. At each moment during a sexual encounter, including one that started with a maybe, each of you has the choice to continue or not. You choose whether to turn up the heat or to dial it back. The important part is sharing a sexual moment; it is less important what you do together. At some point, you may find yourself aroused and interested in sex. Great! If not, you can collaborate on other endings that can feel satisfying to you both. Once you both realize that there is more than one outcome that feels like a success, the easier it’s going to be to dive in and see what happens. Creating more opportunity to get aroused will likely lead to more sex, but there will still be times where your motor doesn’t turn over. You need to have a variety of ways to wrap up these encounters and feel good about them.
What can you do if sex, however you have it, does not end up as an option? There are more solutions to that than you can imagine. Some of them may require practice, patience, or personal growth. If you aren’t aroused, but your partner is interested in an orgasm, there are a lot of ways to solve that. You can be as actively involved in their orgasm as you want to be.
• You can bring them to orgasm (through oral sex, manual stimulation, use of a vibrator or any other means).
• They can masturbate, putting in all the effort themselves, while you are present with them.
• You can share the “work” of whatever stimulation it would take for your partner to climax. For instance, you can nibble their ear or nipple while they use their hands on their own genitals. You can both be stroking their genitals together. You can take turns doing the stroking that they find pleasurable. There are innumerable ways to work together on their pleasure.
• You can let arousal naturally fade and not pursue an orgasm. There are tantric practices that feature this kind of energy build-up over days; many people find it enjoyable and invigorating.
Just because you both don’t want to end an encounter with sex (or with two orgasms) doesn’t mean you need to avoid sexual interaction. It is helpful to have a variety of ways to conclude a sexual encounter that work for both of you—even if this takes working through inhibitions. Practicing flexibility by having any number of ways to share sexual interaction reduces a lot of pressure and creates the opportunity for your sexual relationship to thrive.
Using the Receiver Exercise—Enjoying the journey
You can use the Giver/Receiver Exercise to practice letting go of expectation and outcome. Because the exercise is time limited, and because you are asked to immerse yourself in the moment and let go of any goal of arousal or orgasm for you and your partner, you have the opportunity to take a new kind of journey together. This becomes a model for how you can approach sex: where you have the option to reach orgasm but don’t have to worry about it ahead of time, where you can linger in the spaces before climax and explore the breadth of sexual experience, where you can still connect with your partner in pleasure even if orgasm, or even arousal, is off the table for one or both of you. It’s also a place to practice those other endings, since sometimes one of you may end up aroused and interested in continued pleasure or orgasm once the exercise is over. I invite you to see what it’s like to let go of the outcome and just enjoy yourselves!
PITFALL: BEING ATTACHED TO A GOAL
You can’t get over the idea that you should get aroused. Or that you want an orgasm (or to give one). Or that you really want to have sex after the exercise is over. It’s hard to just be in the moment without thinking about where it’s going. You’re either driven toward pleasure and can’t slow down to explore other touch or to linger where you are, or you’re feeling bad that you don’t seem to be hitting the goal or expectation. You feel bad that it isn’t working again. You’re either anticipating (or worried about) what happens after the exercise, instead of being in the present with the experience you’re having.
BREAKTHROUGH: LETTING GO OF THE GOAL
You let go of the idea that anything is supposed to happen for either you or your partner. You are relieved of the burden to perform. If you (or your partner) are getting aroused, you can still be in the moment without pushing or driving toward anything else. You don’t worry about what comes next. You don’t get ahead of yourself, anticipating what comes next or what you’ll do after the exercise.
Phase 5—Learning to Be Present
Our minds are busy creatures. You can get so consumed with thoughts, ideas and stories that you are totally unaware of what is going on around you, disconnected from the present moment and the actual person you are with.
You may find it hard to turn off your mind from constantly running through your to-do list or overanalyzing worries about life and work. Thoughts of planning, evaluating, and strategizing about what you will be doing next are swirling around in your mind like a whirlpool. It may be hard to switch gears and put those concerns aside to show up and be present with your partner. If your mind is busy and you are “all in your head,” you may have a hard time “getting into your body”—where you can be aware of your physical self, feel and focus on sensation, and connect with touch and stimulation in a way that allows you to get aroused and interested in sex.
Your mind may also be busy with self-conscious and self-critical thoughts. Worry about your body, your sexual performance, or the state of your relationship can also get in the way of you having a good time in sex. Your expectations about sex—for you, your partner, and your encounter as a whole—can start to consume you. And your judgments about how you’re doing compared to those expectations can be another layer of mental busy
work that gets in the way of sexual enjoyment. If you or your partner is distracted or worried during sex, it can become that much harder to enjoy it (giving you one more thing to worry about). And as that continues to grow and build, you will likely find your interest in sex declining.
Sex is enhanced when you can relax and be fully engaged in each moment. Stress, anxiety, fears, and distractions diminish your access to pleasure and connection with your partner and what you are doing together. It’s important to learn to relax, slow down, and just take in the breadth of your experience. This includes the subtlety of the physical sensations you are having in your whole body, the thoughts and feelings you are having while doing it, and the awareness of your partner. You will increase your sexual satisfaction if you learn to minimize those things that pull you out of your experience.
Learning to slow down and pay attention is a good skill to have in all areas of life, and it is very important for good sex and for a sense of connection with your partner. Can you tell what your body is feeling? Can you feel your sensations? Are you aware of the emotions you are having? Can you identify your thoughts and recognize they are nothing more than that? Can you just be? Can you allow yourself and your partner to temporarily leave reality behind?
I recommend developing a mindfulness practice in your life. Whether you learn to meditate or develop the habit of sitting quietly and just noticing what is happening for you, in your mind, body, and emotions, you can get better at being present and aware of each moment.
There are several practices you can do together with your partner, as well. One tool is eye gazing, done for 5 to 10 minutes at a time. Sit in chairs, facing each other. Adjust the distance between your chairs so your eyes can focus on each other. Sit with your feet flat on the floor and relax. Hold your gaze on your partner’s left eye (to your right). Let yourself just be in this experience; there is no need to mask what you’re thinking or feeling. Notice how your body feels, what emotions come up, and what sensory experiences you have. Let go of any judgment you have about what’s happening for you or what might seem to be happening for your partner. This is a good practice for letting yourself be seen, as well as just being in the moment.
Once you have some comfort holding each other’s gazes, you can add an element of synchronizing your breathing. Begin by breathing in and out at the same time, so that you both draw breath in together. Once you’ve aligned your breathing together, switch to alternate breathing: when your partner breathes in, you breathe out, and vice versa. Keep your body relaxed and your breathing slow.
Using the Receiver Exercise—Learning to be present
You and your partner can use the exercise to practice being present. Because you are taking time out of real life to do an exercise, you can slow down. You are taking one role at a time, and that gives you the chance to notice everything going on with you—thoughts, feelings, sensations. As you pay attention to these things, you will grow adept at tuning in and being in your experience. The exercise is a place to practice showing up with whatever you’ve got, learning to relax and bring yourself to the moment. Settling your brain down is an important step before you can fully participate in the exercise and get the most from it. Don’t worry if it takes time to be able to show up and just be present in the exercise.
PITFALL 1: BEING STEEPED IN SELF-CRITICISM AND/OR SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS
You may spend your turn feeling bad that you don’t know what you want. Or you might feel bad about whatever it is you do want. If you believe you should want sexual touch, but don’t, you may not allow yourself to ask for or enjoy other kinds of touch that you would like. If you want sexual touch, but your partner is struggling with that, you may feel bad about that the whole time instead of enjoying what you’re being given. You may judge your progress or your struggles. You may feel self-conscious or hateful about your body. You may spend the whole 10 minutes in negative thought that gets in the way of you enjoying the touch you’re getting.
BREAKTHROUGH 1: STOPPING THE SELF-TALK/CRITICISM
Your critical inner voice shuts up. You let go of the self-doubt. You stop judging your body, your thoughts, your desires. You let yourself just be in the moment with what is and stop holding yourself up to some standard or expectation. You can’t fail this. You’re okay knowing it is what it is, that this is one experience of many. You finally feel good about yourself as a sexual person, wanting what you want, responding however you respond.
PITFALL 2: BEING STUCK IN YOUR HEAD, DISTRACTED
You can’t stop thinking about the chores that need doing or what’s going on at work. You’re a list maker, and the list is too long to take time out to be intimate. You’ve always lived in your head and never sit still for long to connect with your body or your sensations. You analyze everything, so you live (at least) one step removed from your experience in the world. The idea of taking 10 minutes to just be—without thinking about it and without knowing what’s going to happen—doesn’t sound inviting.
BREAKTHROUGH 2: SETTLING DOWN YOUR MIND
You learn to quiet your mind and let go of the thoughts that still show up. You find a peace and relaxation you didn’t know before. You’ve learned to leave your to-do list at the door and that you can pick it back up once you’re ready. You’ve also learned to let work stay at work and to let some chores go undone (or at least wait until later). You’ve slowed down a little and found you are more productive when you aren’t so harried.
Phase 6—Being Okay With No
It’s important that each of you take care of yourselves in your relationship in general, and it is particularly important in your sex life. As I discussed in Chapter 4, each of you must figure out when you need to say no. That’s the foundation of trust in a sex life, knowing that your partner will safeguard themselves and is choosing to participate sexually with you. You each need the ability to discern what is good for you and what is bad, and you need the skill to say no when that’s appropriate. Likewise, you need the ability to hear no when your partner is taking care of themselves and recognize no as a good thing in that situation.
Life gives you plenty of opportunity to practice with no. Think about how you deal with no on a regular basis. Are you one of those people who take on way too much? Do you hate to disappoint people? Do you give so much of yourself that there’s nothing left for you (or your relationship) when the week is over? You can start learning to say no right now, in all the various areas of your life. You can set limits at work, with friends, and with family. You can start with small things and work up to bigger ones. Watch yourself and see what you find out about what makes you say yes when you shouldn’t. See if you can gradually start to have some boundaries.
Likewise, you should pay attention to how you handle other people saying no to you. How often do you take it personally? To what degree do you feel entitled to have your wants met? Do you avoid asking for things so that you can avoid hearing a no? Maybe you’re one of those people who only hint at what they want so you don’t have to hear a direct denial. Or perhaps you manipulate situations toward your desired outcome, so there’s no chance for the other person to be clear about your request and to agree with it or not. If you get better about being direct about your desires and ask to have your wants and needs met, you’ll end up with more opportunity to deal with hearing no. Asking for what you want and risking denial will be a challenge, but it is a crucial skill in building a successful relationship and sex life.
Using the Receiver Exercise—Being Okay With No
The exercise will give you plenty of practice discerning when you need to say no and then practice in both saying and hearing a refusal. You will gain the trust that your partner will take care of themselves. They’ll get that chance repeatedly while using the exercise. When one of you says no, the instruction is to just move on to something else. It will get easier to hear a no while continuing to feel connected and keeping the encounter going.
PITFALL 1: STRUGGLING TO SAY NO APPROPRIATELY
You say no to their request and feel bad about it. You see the look on their face and take it on. Or you know them well enough to know they’ll be disappointed, and you struggle with that. You’re so worried about them that taking care of yourself seems like a problem.
You don’t say no when you should and have a bad experience. You sacrifice yourself because you have this idea that they won’t be okay. Or you’re so used to doing that, it’s hard to distinguish when you need to say no. You struggle to take care of yourself.
You say no when you didn’t need to. You’re so used to setting limits and shutting things down that you don’t take on the work of getting out of your comfort zone. You may have so much resentment or hard feelings that it’s hard to let that go and engage with the work of opening your heart and challenging yourself.
BREAKTHROUGH 1: LEARNING TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
You know what it feels like to need to say no. You know yourself well enough to know what a negative experience for you will be. You feel good about taking care of yourself, and you do it easily and without guilt. You don’t sacrifice yourself. This allows you to accept your partner’s desires more easily. You don’t feel threatened or pressured since you know you ultimately get to decide.
You move into discomfort with intention (also known as getting out of your comfort zone). You are willing to challenge yourself to learn new things and develop new capacity. You are willing to feel anxious and work through it. You walk into challenges because you know it is good for you. You master your own emotional state and anxiety. You are willing to push yourself just enough to be useful and productive. You’ve moved past saying no as a knee-jerk reaction.
PITFALL 2: A PROBLEM HEARING NO
If your partner needs to say no to something, that impacts your experience. It triggers all the negative feelings that have built up around your sex life. You feel rejected and sad. You feel like you were wrong to ask for what you did, and you may determine to rein it in the next time. You believe they aren’t taking the exercise or their self-confrontation seriously or really trying. You may sulk, quit, or only go through the motions for the rest of your turn, unable to continue being focused on what feels good and enjoying it.
Sex Without Stress Page 13