by Max Monroe
“Really?” Kline asked with a smirk. “You’re really going there right now?”
“Yep,” Thatch answered without hesitation. “It’s the happiest fucking day of my life. My beautiful wife just gave me the best gift I’ve ever been given, without castrating me in the process, and my baby boy takes after his father.”
I was happy for Thatch and Cassie.
Scared to death of what the combination of the two of them would mean for the world, but happy for them. Really fucking happy for them. They were about the craziest two people ever to procreate, but seeing them with their new son put everything into perspective.
Undeniably, I wanted what they had. The easy affection and trust—the knowledge that one person would put you before nearly everything. And I wanted a family to call my own.
Of course, I’d gone and completely fucked that by thinking I wasn’t worthy of putting in that kind of effort. Like it was the same fate bestowed upon me rather than a conscious choice to do right by them—and by myself.
So here I was—post birth, staring into the window of the nursery at dozens of nameless babies and hoping beyond reason Winnie would stumble over to stare through the same window.
That she would somehow find it in her heart to forgive me all of my stupid choices and let me love her and Lex.
I wanted it so fucking badly I could hardly breathe, hardly think.
The tiniest sensation flared at my hand, warm skin on mine as a delicate, feminine version of it slipped solidly into its embrace.
I looked down my arm, gray suit fabric covering it blandly until the purple polish resting at the back of my hand made it come alive.
“Lex,” I said softly, and she lifted her head to look up at me.
“Babies’ fingernails are formed in the womb starting at week twelve of gestation,” she told me, and I smiled so big my cheeks hurt.
“Oh, yeah?” I asked, trying to steady my voice over the ache born of missing her so much.
“Yeah,” she confirmed with a nod.
“I want to know how that’s possible,” I muttered in awe. In awe of the fact she’d shared with me, but even more in awe of her.
“Me too,” she agreed, and I knew she’d find out. Through Google or an encyclopedia—if she could find one—or asking the goddamn doctor herself. Her confidence shone the brightest in her thirst for knowledge. Whatever she needed to do to gain it, she’d do. It was all the other stuff that she struggled with—the interactions and small talk and culturally deigned importance that really wasn’t that important at all. Not if she didn’t need them to be.
“How many babies do you think were born today?” I asked her. I’d missed her brilliance and wanted just a little taste of how superiorly her mind worked.
“There are twenty-five babies in this nursery, a variable of probably ten in their rooms, about five thousand, six hundred hospitals in the US, so given the metropolis of New York versus the populous of small-town America, probably somewhere around eleven thousand. In the US.”
Hot damn. Am I right?
“I bet Thatch and Cassie’s baby is going to cause more trouble than the rest of them combined,” I remarked.
Her eyes held mine, a progression so significant it helped in my effort not to take offense to her looking at me like I was an absolute imbecile.
In her mind, my little statement was so statistically impossible it was laughable. That would be what embarrassed her about her parents—actual stupidity.
God, I had the urge to pick her up and hold her tightly to my chest.
I want to be one of her biggest embarrassments.
I wanted to be everything to this beautifully brilliant little girl. I wanted to be her father figure, one of the two biggest supporters in her life.
I wanted her to be mine. My little girl.
“Lexi bug,” I heard behind us, the rough voice of her uncle Remy and the realization of what it meant making me squeeze her hand tighter.
He was here to pick her up, and I didn’t know when I’d get to see her next.
The uncertainty nauseated me. I literally felt my stomach churn in discomfort over the mere idea of never getting to take her to football practice, of never getting to watch her focused little face while she worked out a complicated algebraic equation that was no doubt over my goddamn head. Birthdays, holidays, lazy Sundays at home.
I had no claim to any of it, and that was the worst kind of hell.
Lex turned immediately, a smile on her face for one of the great loves of her life, and I did my best to go with her momentum instead of fighting it. She didn’t need any of my personal baggage adding to her own.
“Wes,” Remy greeted coolly as my gaze met his.
I didn’t blame him.
A picture of a commitment-phobic, selfish version of me had been painted, and my goddamn hand had been the one holding the brush.
“Hey, Remy,” I said back, smiling and looking down into Lexi’s excited eyes. I’d scale any mountain, withstand any foray into the most awkward of moments to keep that look on her innocent face.
Still, I couldn’t help but poke the bear just a little.
“Spending time with your second-favorite uncle?” I asked. “Sounds like a good night to me.”
“Second-favorite?” Remy muttered roughly, the outrage lashing so far out of his throat it felt like the tip of a whip—but it was of the pleasurable kind.
Lex giggled, and that was all it took to turn his scowl into a smile. She was his world.
I just hoped he’d eventually understand she was mine too.
The dingy lights of the hospital shone more powerfully as the blond of Winnie’s hair came into view behind Remy.
I looked straight past him, right to her, as I offered, “I can take Lexi home if you need to stay here at the hospital for a while.”
Remy’s brows drew together briefly before looking over his shoulder to see his sister.
“Actually,” Winnie said, “I’m meeting Nick for a late dinner.”
Nick? Lexi’s father? The one man who’d stupidly chosen his career over this beautiful, perfect fucking woman and the most precious, brilliant little girl in the world?
Fuck, this hurts.
Pain pierced my skin and flooded into my eyes enough that even Remy winced.
Holding out a hand to Lexi, he murmured, “Uh, Lex and I are gonna take off. You two can talk.”
Translation: you need to.
We looked like mirror images of one another, both looking after their retreating forms longingly. Lex looked back and waved, and both of us smiled and waved back.
I wanted us to be doing it as a unit—but we couldn’t have been further apart emotionally if the entire span of Earth had been between us.
As silence stretched on, the threat of her date with Lexi’s father looming in the air, I knew it was now or never. I had to lay it on the line and tell her how I’d felt since the beginning.
“I knew it would end this way,” I blurted in admission, the heady mix of thoughts and desires blurring my ability to organize any of them into a helpful order.
She tilted her head to the side, and I watched as her blond hair slid softly from her shoulder. She searched my eyes long enough that I repeated my words.
“I did. I knew it would end this way.”
“You knew what would end what way?” she asked, even though I was almost positive she knew both of the answers.
“Us,” I clarified anyway. I looked her directly in the eyes, and my heart seized at the truth there. Heartbreak. Longing. Unabashed disappointment.
I pushed on anyway, hoping by some miracle I’d be able to make it better.
“I knew we would end badly. From that very first moment, I knew it would be a train wreck.”
She looked like I’d slapped her, the red suffusing her cheek with the same intensity as if my hand had left its actual mark.
“Then, why?” she demanded. “Why go there at all if you knew?”
“Because,�
�� I told her honestly, hoping my heart was in my eyes. Because now, unlike all the times before, I was actually trying not to hide it. “It was unmistakably impossible not to.” My voice dropped to a whisper. “From the first moment my eyes met yours in that locker room, I knew I’d never breathe another satiated breath until I had you.”
I knew it came out wrong the second I said it, the words “had you” implying something altogether uglier than the warmth and affection—fucking love—that bled and pumped through my heart. She was seeing my confession as something shallow, something I didn’t want it to be, and the urge to fix it came out garbled too.
“I wanted more than just to sleep with you.”
Fuck, Wes, I mentally chastised. Enough with the goddamn past tense.
“I have to go,” she breathed, turning to leave without a second thought.
And her mind wasn’t the only one thinking in half measures. I reached out and grabbed her, closing my fingers around her arm and pulling her back toward me before the action even registered in my mind.
There was no plot or plan, not even a scheme for what would happen when I got her there, plastered against me.
But my body didn’t need any incentive or explanation. My lips met hers in a flash, the speed and intensity so vivid it was almost harsh, and her intake of breath provided the perfect opportunity to touch my tongue to hers.
She gave in at once, dancing a sensual dance with me for one heartbeat and the next, until almost a full five seconds had passed and my hands were holding on to her ass like a lifeline—and then sanity returned. For her. As her hand connected with my face on a smack, I knew mine would be gone for some time—quite possibly forever.
“Winnie,” I whispered, desperation clawing from my throat and spilling past my lips.
“No,” she whispered fiercely. “I deserve better. Lex deserves better. And for fuck’s sake, Wes, so do you.”
And then she was gone—an empty hall, the quiet cries of innocence, and a broken heart all that were left to keep me company.
Fuck, I couldn’t—no, I wouldn’t let it end like this.
Not. Like. This.
I wanted Winnie and I wanted Lexi and I wanted our family.
The New York wind whipped around my face as I opened the door to Gramercy Tavern. My cheeks felt like little ice cubes in response to the short walk from the cab to the restaurant, hell, my entire body felt like it had been doused in ice-cold water, but I had a feeling that had nothing to do with the chilly, early spring weather.
I couldn’t shake the racing thoughts of Wes and his words and how easily I’d lost myself in that kiss. It had taken every ounce of willpower I had to dig deep enough into the recesses of my brain—that seemed far too content to feel Wes’s lips against mine for the rest of forever—and find rational thought in that moment.
Maybe it was a little overkill to actually slap him across the face—holy shit—but I couldn’t seem to stop these insane emotions when it came to him. He quite literally drove me crazy.
You wouldn’t care if you weren’t still in love with him, my heart rationalized.
No kidding, Captain Obvious, my brain shouted back.
I wasn’t sure if I would ever not be in love with Wes.
But I knew that I had to find a way to move forward, versus backward, where I let myself give in to epically stupid moments like letting Wes kiss me, and more than that, kissing him back with just as much fervor.
I made a beeline for the restroom, before heading to the table Nick had reserved. I just needed a minute. Just a fucking minute to find my sanity.
I felt like pieces of myself were scattered across the marble floor, and I couldn’t pick them up fast enough. I had too many emotions, too many fucking feelings and no one to run to. No shoulder to cry on. No comforting arms to find peace in.
Wes is that person. He is that person…
Fuck. I had to pull myself together.
I switched my focus to applying an unnecessary coat of lip gloss and decided I really just needed to get this night over with so that I could get my ass home. Ugly pajamas, a pint of ice cream, endless Netflix episodes and my bed were much needed right now.
As I walked out of the bathroom and spotted Nick at a table for two, it took a lot of effort to keep my feet moving toward him, rather than turning on their heels and heading straight for the nearest exit door.
“Glad you could make, Win,” he said with a soft smile, as the server pulled out my chair and helped me into my seat.
It was safe to say, I was in the very last place I wanted to be, sitting down across from Nick Raines at Gramercy Tavern to “talk.” Whatever that meant. He was in town for a medical conference with NYU and decided it was vital we have an important discussion.
That was exactly how he had put it: important discussion.
He tended to be fairly emotionless in general, when he wasn’t on one of his good-time highs, never really opening up and always guarding himself from the outside world, for whatever reason that might be. It was something I had most definitely learned to expect from him.
And honestly, I often wondered if the deep-rooted issues and insecurities within himself were the sole reason he kept his distance from his daughter.
But those weren’t my demons to battle. They were his.
I had tried to battle them in the past, tried to get him to open his eyes and realize what he was missing by being absent from Lex’s life, but it was impossible to convince someone of something when they weren’t ready.
They had to decide those things on their own, for themselves.
“You look beautiful, Win,” he said as I adjusted my seat closer to the table.
“Thanks.”
“Do you need a minute to look at the menu?”
I glanced up at him, surprised by his patience. Nick was not a very patient man when it came to normal, everyday life. In his career, in medicine, he was the most patient, talented neurosurgeon you’d ever meet, but real life urged the complete opposite response from him.
He looked different. His face was softer. The usual three-week beard he generally sported had been trimmed to a handsome two- to three-day length. And his normal attire of stuffy suits and ties had been replaced by a well-fitted sport coat and a white collared shirt that had the first two buttons undone in a relaxed manner.
His brown eyes appeared tender, and the serious lines around his eyes had seemed to vanish, nowhere in sight.
I looked down at my menu and then back up at him. “No, I’ll probably just get their smoked tomato soup.”
He grinned. “You’ve always loved that soup. But I have a feeling it has more to do with the gourmet croutons than anything else.”
God, he was being weird tonight. I honestly hadn’t thought he’d known a single restaurant menu item that I enjoyed, much less a simple yet surprising insight like that.
I shrugged. “Well, I tend to be a pretty big fan of anything carb-related.”
He laughed softly, and when the server stopped by our table, Nick ordered for both of us, even adding a glass of my favorite Riesling to the list.
Seriously, who was this man, and what had he done with Nick?
I was starting to have flashbacks of the Nick I’d first met, way back in med school. The guy who loved to have a good time, the guy who wasn’t so focused and serious, the guy I had once enjoyed spending all of my time with.
That Nick had fled the scene a very long time ago. I honestly hadn’t seen him since before I found out I was pregnant with Lex. Once he had decided to make neurosurgery his priority, nothing else mattered. Nothing else but Nick and his career.
A few moments of comfortable silence passed between us, and then he cleared his throat, pulling my attention from the center of the dining room back to our table.
“I’d like to discuss a few things, Winnie.”
Well, that was a bit cryptic…
“Ooookay.”
“I’m looking to move back to New York permanently. I’
d like to be closer to our daughter. I’m tired of missing out on so many things in her life. I have a lot of regrets related to that. The way I’ve been as a father.”
“Absent father,” I added without feeling the least bit bad about it. He needed to hear those words.
He nodded sullenly. “You’re right. I deserved that. But I would like to change that. I’d like to really get to know her, spend more time with her. I’d like her to be comfortable with me. I want to be a part of her life as much as I want her to be a part of mine.”
I let his words sink in for a few moments, unsure of my exact emotions. I was torn between feeling relieved and feeling very skeptical. I mean, this was a man who had made a career out of avoiding his daughter. He had often made promises he couldn’t keep. He had disappointed Lexi time and time again.
He had disappointed her so many times throughout her life that my little girl had just given up hope of him being there for her. Sure, I had never heard those words pass her little lips, but I knew my daughter. I knew her facial expressions, and I knew her heart.
And I just couldn’t bear to let him break it again.
“Can I be honest?” I asked once I finally got my thoughts in order.
“Of course.”
“I can’t really believe your words, Nick,” I admitted. “I think the only way I will eventually believe you really mean this is if you show me over and over again that you are really going to be the father that Lexi deserves.”
“I understand. I really do. And I will prove it to you. I promise, I will prove it to you.”
He’d used the word promise so many times in the past that it literally meant nothing to me. Nick’s promises were absolute shit. They were hollowed-out words that were void of meaning or good intentions.
“Let’s just give it time, Nick.”
“Time?”
“Yes, time,” I responded. “You need to give me time, and most importantly, you need to give Lexi time. I don’t want you to hurt her again. She’s been hurt too many times by you in the past. And I know it is going to take her time to be comfortable with you, to want to spend time with you.”