by Ann Abrams
She really couldn’t bear to touch any of the toys he had sent, but it really wasn’t so bad admiring your own body, could be quite romantic actually. She felt on the verge of a great pleasure, imagining a lovely prince pinning her down, when she heard Pip’s voice ringing up the stairs.
“Kates, Kates, stop wanking. I am here with Anscrudder!” it was the sort of thing she always said but this time she for the first time was spot on. Kate shoved the box of muck back up on the wardrobe, and jumped into her en-suite shower so she could pretend she hadn’t heard her beatchy sister.
Willz rides up on his white horse/Landrover
Security told him that Anscrudder and that dreadful bint Pipz had been over at Middlebum Lodge. Such a dreadful name, it was so very embarrassing to make up a name for a house you had bought. Real lodges were places your family had been using for hunting for millenniums. Kates was pretty, and he had an insatiable and perplexing desire to full English her, he didn’t really know what motivated him, she was so fugging MIDDLE CLASS, even her name began with middle, but she understood him in a way that none of the girls from decent families did. And even if he could Full English half the sluts in the land, he wanted her to be his Happy Eater.
The driver was a real mong and kept trying to talk to him, until Willz told his personal security guy to tell him to shut the fug up. He just needed to try and fugging think things over. Right nice totty and all that, good bod and pretty, but pretty fugging uptight and middle class about bedroom matters. WTF was he doing driving up again to that horrid little Mcdonalds of a house. He must be out of his fugging mind. It was like big ears said, don’t marry the crazy skinny ones they’ll drive you potty and won’t do much in the bedroom either. But Willz couldn’t imagine anything worse than marrying some horsey girl who’d let him flog her and full English her daily, and probably quite enjoy it…
The Land Rover pulled up at Middlebum Lodge.
Pipz and Hezza
Hezza was lying on his back in the hotel, his tan made him mistakable for a large saveloy. “You know you’re much hotter than your sis. And I bet you don’t mind a healthy breakfast in the morning.”
There had been the sound of retching in the bathroom, but it was drowned out by the running taps and Pipz reappeared vigorously brushing her teeth. It had been a brilliant day, ITSNOTOK magazine had printed a great picture of her coming out of a taxi, there was a nice bit of cleavage showing and an incredible sheen to her thighs. It did make her look a little bit sluttish but only in a kind of yeah-definitely-would way which made it fine. And the more they photograph you, her friend Alicia had said, the more they end up paying you if you sue them or sell them your story or something, which Pip had thought would be completely awesome and everything.
But also Pipz had been invited back by Hezza. He was such a laugh and they played the pizza land-mines game which he explained is like twister but with pizza and booze and everything. Hezza dressed up in this totally hysterical outfit and she and the other girls, weren’t they so cool and relaxed and everything, followed his orders. Well it got really messy, especially when they all fell into this sodden tomatoey clump. At any rate Hezza had picked her over all of the others to be his special land-mine victim to look after.
Pip laughed, “Do you really think I am hotter than Kate, Hezz?”
“Sure, your sister has that ugly nose, I mean I would and everything but she should probably just get that nose job, and just get married and do whatever he wants which is totally obviously the only thing to do because our dad is Big Ears.”
“What if I could make her do it, could you give me something?” she said in a conspiratorial voice.
“What both the nose job and the Full English?” Hezz was curious now.
“Yes, in exchange for your mother’s engagement ring,” she said breathlessly.
“What? That shitty old thing, yeah, whatever, right I mean no promises, but maybe, sure.”
Will Willz get his Full English?
Will Kates get her Prince?
To be continued. Look out for the next instalment of Fifty Shades of a Princess
And while you’re waiting you can read Ann Abrams’ best-selling full length novel Mobius