8
The world around me swayed, and I sobered some as we landed right outside of my apartment door. I fell back against the wall. Immediately, Coal placed a hand on my shoulder to steady me, and I shrugged it off.
He growled. “Why do you insist on pushing me away?”
“I don’t need a babysitter, and I don’t need your protection. What don’t you get about that?”
“I’m not trying to babysit you, although I need to. You act like a child more often than not.” He delivered his condescension with such superiority that rage flared in my chest.
“Go to hell,” I spat.
“All I’ve known is my life to be hell. There’s nowhere worse that I could go than right here,” he concluded. If I weren’t so drunk, I would have slapped him across the face.
“Fuck off,” I said through clenched teeth. “You’ve done enough.” I pushed hard against his chest. He was too close. He was everywhere around me, and the places inside that he wasn’t, were reaching for him.
“I haven’t done anything,” he retorted, anger and confusion pulling his brows together.
“Other than invading my life? I can’t get away from you, no matter what I do.” He hid the hurt well this time, but I still glimpsed it. That only made me push harder to get away from him. “Holy fuck, you’re literally everywhere.”
“Is it really that bad having me around? Or is it just that you can’t handle having anyone around? That you have to push everyone away, keep everyone at arm's length with your sarcasm and jokes. Keep up this appearance that you’re a hard badass that needs no one, has no one. News flash, Shadow, even the darkest of creatures need someone, including Hades.” I reached for the locked doorknob and twisted with so much strength the metal crumbled. “Why are you so afraid of letting someone in, of feeling something?”
“What is it to you? You’re only here because of her. I can’t even get laid because it makes me sick to be in her body! I’m not even my own person anymore.” I groaned. There I went again, admitting more than I needed to.
“You had no problem letting those men touch you,” he bit with a pained, furious expression.
Did he see me in the club? How long was he there? A million tiny spiders made a web all over my body, leaving my skin crawling in angst at the thought of him watching me. Why the hell was the fact that he saw me in the club getting to me? Because, somehow, I was doing her body a disservice? Who cared?
Me.
“I couldn’t g-get you o-out of my head the entire time. I haaate it. I don’t know if it's me or if it is her that wants you.” His eyes flashed at my admission. “I feel so disgusting, like this body isn’t mine anymore. I don’t even know how you can look at me, let alone deal with me.” Like it mattered? I stopped myself, slapping my palms to my thighs. This shit was so frustrating. His existence in my life was breaking down my walls. Before him, I never would have felt anything for this situation, for him or Onyx.
“Onyx is dead. Trust me. There is none of her left in there.”
Ouch.
I kicked the door open and stomped through, dropping my heels as I made my way to my room. Before I could get through two of the five steps, Coal’s big ass arm made its way around me once again, and he jerked me back, slamming me against the wall next to the door. The wall cracked on impact.
In a blink, he was pinning me against the sheetrock. Fury broke through my drunken haze, and my shadows snatched at him, running on nothing but adrenaline and booze. “You motherfucker. Don’t touch me again.”
“You don’t have to be alone. You don’t have to live like this.” I didn’t say a word. I wouldn’t give him what he wanted to hear. I wouldn’t break. I wouldn’t give in to the neglect that was my life. The fact that no one had ever shown me an ounce of care, not even my father himself. The fact that I didn’t have parents who raised me or told me they loved me. The fact that I had no soul and was incapable of love. I was so alone I didn’t know how to have people around, to show parts of myself because the only parts that I consisted of were death and loneliness.
Or maybe it's because you like Coal more than you want to admit and it's getting to you.
Piss off, bitch.
I was a shadow and nothing else. A killer. A pawn in my father’s meaningless war. A war that I had no clue why I was fighting. And apparently, a spiraling one at that.
“Fuck you.” I wiggled beneath him, but he was too strong. His eyes warred with mine, begging me to give in. It was apparent he had seen everything in my life: the bad, the ugly, and the uglier. And worse, he saw my weakness and threw it back in my face. “I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone.”
“I know, you’ve made that abundantly clear, but don’t you think you deserve some happiness?” Why did it matter to him?
“I’m nothing but a killer. I’ll never be anything else. I’ll never be her!” I shrieked. “Now, let me go or screw me, but make up your mind soon. I’ve got a vibrator with fresh batteries waiting.” Deflection.
An inhuman snarl that sent juices flowing to my core vibrated from his throat.
My shadows leaped for him, surrounding us. I dreamt for more of his touch, like a junkie with a needle. I needed him in my veins, filling me. I needed him everywhere at once and nowhere at all. It wasn’t my world betraying me this time, but my body instead—the biggest betrayer of all.
It needed him, even if my brain screamed no. He was so close I could hear the blood pumping through his veins, see the muscle bulging in his neck. But at the same time, I wanted to strangle him for what he’d done to my life.
It wasn’t solely his fault. He was a toy in my father’s playpen, just like I was. But he was brave enough to buck up and deal with it instead of playing the victim like I was.
His muscles tensed, his breathing rapid as he fought with himself. I felt his cock pressing against my belly and into my ribs. Flames scorched as he ran his hands over my skin, over my boobs, to trace the open neckline of my shirt. I flinched beneath his touch, my muscles clenching as he trailed deeper still. A long, raspy moan slipped from my parted lips as I wrapped him in my shadows.
His skin darkened when he started to feed. I breathed a sigh of relief as we melded together with his pull. I should’ve feared that there wasn’t much left to take, but the alcohol kept me running, and the promise of his rapidly growing touch left me with no coherent thoughts. His grip poured through my body, separating me cell by cell as he touched every inch of me. Giving me everything I wanted and then some.
I fought back the thoughts of him killing me. My drunk brain decided, naively, that he wasn’t going to. No one put so much effort into someone they wanted to end. I clung to that and greedily continued.
My knees were weak. Coal’s lips found my chin, then moved to my neck, sparking a fire everywhere they went. His breath was hot on my collar bone when he bent to bury his face between my boobs, using his hands to press them to his cheeks. He kissed the valley and dragged his tongue down my belly. My muscles clenched and fluttered beneath his touch, and a pool of desire drenched my panties. I arched into him, forcing his touch to get stronger.
Never had any man made me feel so sexy, so alive. Never had I desired the touch of someone like I had him. I needed him everywhere, all over my body, inside and out. He was giving me just what I needed as he worshipped me, feeding every inch of me, satisfying my shadows as he indulged himself.
We needed him.
I gave in to that need. But just for the time being. I was still reeling with fury over the entire situation and throwing myself a pity party. I would jump him and move on. This meant nothing.
Never again would I let someone reduce me to being so defenseless.
My shadows recoiled at the thought and wrapped themselves back around him. He took another pull of my shadows and had me nearly in tears with pleasure. My body shook with the anticipation of his cock inside me as he fed on the shadows.
I unbuttoned his pants. His cock fell out, and I gulped. Hand b
ehind my head and fisted in my hair, he smiled devilishly. “Scared, Shadow?”
His cock pulsed, a bead of cum glinted in the moonlight. I dipped my thumb in the slickness and used it to tease his tip. My finger glided over the thick head, tantalizing him. His body jerked back with a shiver.
“Fuck you,” I bit. Coal yanked my skirt up and moved my red thong to the side, then dipped his head. His tongue passed straight up my center, nearly sending me to the roof. I needed his touch so badly. He sucked my clit, forcing a cry from me as I let myself give in to the pleasure. It wasn’t that hard; I had no resolve left to keep.
My body was depleted.
Sensation coursed through me, singeing every nerve as he toyed with me.
He shoved a finger in me, and I clamped around him. I rocked my hips back and forth. Another finger plunged deep. Roughly, I rode his fingers, greedily taking from him everything he was offering. I refused eye contact though he kept trying as he licked and sucked, swirling his skilled tongue around my clit until I was bursting at the seams with desire. Without warning or allowing him satisfaction, my body shattered into an explosive orgasm. Surfing the waves of pleasure, I rode them over and over again. My only indication of climax being the spasms I couldn’t control and my irregular breathing. But he knew when I came.
Smug satisfaction dominated his stone-like face.
Without so much as a glance or warning, he pulled himself from me and disappeared from the room. I drew my legs closed and slid down the wall to the floor.
The emptiness returned almost immediately, and I nearly wept from the aching in my chest. Thankfully, tomorrow was a new day, and I could get my act together then.
9
I didn’t realize I had dozed off until I heard the squeaking of the shower in the hallway and woke from dreams of Coal coming on top of me as my mind played them on a painful repeat. He dominated my dreams and my body, and we didn’t even have sex.
I glanced at my phone. It had only been an hour, but my body was stiff like I’d slept for days, and I was still completely exhausted. I could barely keep my eyes open, but there was plenty of moonlight to enjoy. I could sleep when the sun came up, and I was positive not even a tornado would wake me at that point. I would need to hunt soon.
I wiped myself clean of Coal, then tossed my club clothes in the hamper. After peeling the tape from my chest and stomach, I stood in the mirror and analyzed my body. My life had changed so much over the last week since Coal arrived, and my body felt foreign and gross. Like the skin I had gotten to know over the last few millennia no longer belonged to me.
It belonged to a woman named Onyx. A name I had obsessed over since I had first heard it just earlier today. I didn’t know how to move on from it and convince myself that I was not her, she was not here. She was dead, and there was nothing we could do about it. As if I even wanted to do something about it. That was what made the situation worse. I sort of wanted to do something about it. Coal’s reach was much farther than it needed to be.
I was unsettled and out of control. Like my body, my life, was no longer mine. I had a father who wanted me dead and a sort of friend who hated me more than he liked me, living with me. He turned me on more than anything because he tried to kill me and make it painless. He’s chivalrous like that. To top it all off, I had to keep him around. We had an enemy in common, one he had fought before, and I had no clue what I was doing. I needed him here. But why was I letting him get to me?
With a sigh, I left the mirror. If I thought about any of it any longer, my brain just might explode.
Luckily, Coal was still showering. How interesting that would look. He would have to bend over to reach down to the faucet, and surely his shoulders had to touch the side and the curtain at the same time. I laughed as I imagined it. The hoarseness of my voice startled me.
I traipsed past the bathroom and scuffed my slippers obnoxiously as I rounded the bar and shuffled through the kitchen. The place finally felt like mine again with him tucked away in the bathroom. But that wouldn’t last long. Soon, I’d have to face him whether I liked it or not.
Unfortunately, that was still up in the air.
I didn’t have much in my cupboards, but I did have a giant box of hot cocoa from the bulk store. The good packs with extra dehydrated marshmallows. I pulled my favorite mug from the shelf over the sink, the one with Fuck Off stamped on the side, and I turned the gas on to get the water heating.
While I waited, leaning against the counter, for the teakettle to yell at me, I thought back to all the countless kills I had made in my long life. All the souls I had sent downstairs to Daddy. All the fears I had conjured. A tinge of guilt spread through me as I thought of the years of torture they would endure. Swiftly, I suppressed that guilt.
Then, I made the connection. I was no better than the very people I condemned to the Underside.
That's why Coal bothered me so much.
He was everything right in the world. He fought to right the wrongs that had been done to him. He was a warrior, a man of honor. I was just the lousy tramp wearing his mate’s body, and he managed to conjure up all these shameful feelings.
I wanted to bash his face in for it. I wasn’t good with feelings. They left a bad taste in my mouth.
I pushed it all to the side like I did everything and everyone.
The teakettle screaming had me jumping out of my skin. I snatched it off the stove and poured a steaming cup of water. I stirred in the pouch of chocolate and finished it off with the marshmallows, then grabbed the jar of extras and carried it all with me to the balcony.
The moon was high in the sky. It cast a bright glow over the cars in the parking lot. The city lights didn’t allow for the stars to show, and what little I could see was covered with dense clouds. They moved slowly but easily through the night on the back of a gentle breeze that had the trees shedding their rustic leaves.
I tucked myself into my tattered lawn chair and blew into my mug of cocoa. The warmth spread through my hands, bringing a smile to my face. I wasn’t one of those kids that had memories of their parents or grandparents as they shared homemade hot cocoa by a warm fire.
You know, shit you see in the movies.
What I had were my own memories and twisted traditions. My favorite time of year was fall, the only time when death was considered a beautiful thing. When the dead leaves became the focal point, and people prayed for the end of their life cycle because that meant the heat would finally break and the holidays would be right around the corner. Sort of morbid if you think about it.
Then again, everything about my life was morbid.
Fall was my time. The time to scour the stores and restaurants for anything pumpkin spice, peppermint, and gingerbread. The time for hot cocoa and curling up on the balcony in nothing but a robe at one in the morning.
The door slid open, and a fresh Coal drifted through the air. I absorbed his scent. I was so pissed with him, and it wasn’t because he tried to kill me. It was because he was right about everything. I was the asshole. Not like I was going to tell him, though.
“I’m not sure if you should be out here. You might make the balcony collapse. These buildings are pretty old.” He laughed quietly and opted for the concrete floor instead of pulverizing my other lawn chair. Black hair, the color of an oil slick, shone blue in the moonlight, wet. Little droplets fell from the ends and sluiced down over the scars on his bare chest. He had on baggy black sweats and an old pair of tattered Vans. Why did he have to be half-naked after what just transpired between us? I couldn’t believe that a little over an hour ago, he was inside me, his fingers pumping roughly. And even though I was pissed with him, I wanted nothing more than to climb all over him and screw him senseless.
Damn twelve-pack abs.
We sat in a silence that I was more than okay with, seeing as I was a little hungover but glad I wasn’t still drunk. No, Coal licked that all out of my system.
“How are you feeling?” he asked, voice husky.
“Like I have a gaping vagina.” I remembered the way his huge fingers stretched me deliciously. He chuckled darkly.
“Are you sore? I didn’t mean to react so harshly and throw you against the wall.”Shadows covered half his face, but I could see the honest regard he held for me.
“Nothing I can’t get over,” I said coldly, careful not to feed into the emotion of the situation.
He nodded, his lips turning down in a frown. “Right.”
I sighed. I just couldn’t help but keep my exterior strong. It was all I ever knew. I was in survival mode always. Never knowing when someone would enter my life that I couldn’t trust, so it was better not to trust anyone. Deflection and sarcasm were my ways of protecting myself. I never imagined someone would come along and wish to break the shell I kept around myself––if that was even what he wanted to do.
I hated to admit that he was starting to do just that. He had me second-guessing my true nature, and if I weren’t careful, soon he would have me wanting to be a better person and all that jazz.
I couldn’t wrap my head around why, now that he knew he couldn’t go through with killing me, that he would stick around and torture himself with seeing Onyx every day.
Maybe he cares.
No, he wants Daddy dead, just like I do. And his mate alive, I argued.
Still, it was easier to let my guard down sometimes with him, even if it did scare the hell out of me in so many ways. He had learned so much about me, so much I never wanted out there in the short time he’d been here. Everything I kept so expertly locked away was now out in the open for him to do with as he pleased. Even worse, it seemed that all his intentions were noble. He didn’t want me to be lonely, and he would endure the endless torment of seeing his mate but not having her just to make sure that I wasn’t alone.
Maybe he was just using it as a ruse to get what he needed—Daddy dead—then he would leave. No, he was a noble creature; it was the nature of the gargoyle. They lived by a code of honor. We had many conversations about it, and he couldn’t deny it if he tried. Once he made a promise to someone, he would uphold it. He promised to make up for trying to kill me.
Pawns Daughters of The Underworld Book 1 Page 8