It took Fredrick approximately one ring to answer and five minutes to arrive. The second I saw him I was relieved. My relief was short lived when out of the corner of my eye I saw Mason and my father walking toward us. They must have remembered I didn’t have a car and gotten worried when I didn’t return.
Fredrick jumped out of the car to greet me, not noticing the extra men tailing me. He wrapped me in his arms and took my face in a passionate kiss. To dig the knife in further, I wrapped my arms around my boyfriend and met his kiss with equal enthusiasm. “What’s with the dad patrol?” he asked, tipping his chin at my dad and Mason, who were now fully in view.
“Nothing. Ignore them. I just want to get out of here.” Fredrick nodded and opened the passenger side door. He gestured for me to get in with a smile that held many unasked questions. Mason and my father both played football in high school and college. It was clear by the way they were sprinting toward us that age had unfortunately not slowed them down.
“Hold up!” Mason called, while my dad yelled, “Wait!” Fredrick looked at me in question, and I rolled my eyes but waited for the men to catch up. “Don’t leave. You’re right. It’s none of our business,” my dad said, glancing at Fredrick and hiding a cringe. He didn’t actually believe it was none of his business. Mason decided to join the party too, stating, “Yeah. Don’t leave. Come in and have dinner. Come back inside. For Leah.”
I knew immediately it was a bad idea to go inside with Fredrick, but I did it anyway. Obviously, it’s no secret that I make bad choices in my life. The dinner was like driving by a fatal eighteen-wheeler accident. You know it’s going to be terrible. You know it just might even scar you for life. But you can’t bring yourself to look away as traffic slowly inches by. Fredrick ate half my kung pao chicken, claiming he hadn’t eaten all day.
That admission completely defunct my lie about why he hadn’t been invited in the first place. I didn’t need to look at Leah to know that she caught that. That was nothing compared to the moment when Leah asked if we had any plans tonight and Fredrick mentioned we had planned to just go home and hang out. The look on my father’s face spoke volumes.
He knew what Fredrick meant by “hang out,” and he didn’t like it. I glanced at Mason for the briefest of seconds, but his face gave nothing away. If he was bothered, it didn’t show. Maybe he was moving on. I hoped not.
Don’t sleep with him. “Don’t sleep with him.” Those were the words that came in a text hours after the dinner from hell. Don’t sleep with him. A simple sentence, one noun, two verbs and a preposition.
I failed to register the anvil attached to that simple sentence before it crushed me. Don’t sleep with him. Why? I thought. Why ask me this now? After weeks of crickets from him. After a dinner where he embarrassed me and then ignored me.
The man was infuriating. He was the most confusing creature I’d ever come across. It took me a long time to respond to that text. At first, I ignored it. No, that’s a lie. I threw my phone across the room, is what I did. Then I ignored it.
But I was done ignoring the problem. So I wrote him back.
Me: Why not?
Mason: Because you don’t love him.
Me: Who says I don’t?
Mason: You don’t. Your eyes say you don’t.
Me: Why are you doing this?
Mason: Because I’m a bastard.
I looked down at the words on my phone, and then across the bed at Fredrick’s naked, sleeping form. He wasn’t the bastard. I was. Without responding to Mason, I put my phone back on the nightstand and curled up into a ball. Fredrick stirred in his sleep and reached for me. Out of instinct, I slid just slightly out of his reach. This man was going to ruin me for all other men.
I woke up extra early and crept out of Fredrick’s bed before he could notice my absence. I was still in my clothes from the night before, but I didn’t want to stop at home. No, I had plans. Pulling up to the donut shop, I placed an order I had placed many, many times. The teenaged girl behind the counter handed me my bag of deliciousness, and out the door I went.
I knocked several times before the door swung open. “Scarlet?” Mason answered, looking around. He seemed a little manic, looking around me first, and then behind his back. “Scarlet, this isn’t a good time—” he began pleading, but I cut him off.
“Is Leah still asleep? I brought her donuts.” I held up the bag with my proof, and he sighed in relief.
His words said, “Of course. Come in,” but his body language said he wanted to run. Still, he shifted to the side to let me pass by him. I may or may not have purposefully walked a little too close, and enjoyed the way his breath hitched as my chest just barely grazed his. He shook his head and smiled as he made his way back to his room, and I went in search of my best friend.
I leapt onto the bed and snuggled up to Leah. My guilt, while crippling, didn’t keep me from spoiling my best friend while I got the chance. After all, there were traditions to uphold. “No. It’s too early, even for you,” Leah grumbled. She knew it was me without even opening her eyes.
“Oh, but I come bearing gifts.” I waved the bag of goodies just close enough for the smell of melted frosting to reach her. Leah sat up and pinned me with a glare.
“There better be a chocolate filled in there or I’m friend breaking up with you. I was having a really good dream.” I laughed and tossed the bag in her lap, confident that we wouldn’t be breaking up. Not just yet anyway.
“How’d you get in here anyway? Is my dad home?”
“Yeah. He let me in.” She nodded but said no more. “Why wouldn’t he be home?” I asked, trying desperately not to sound like a prodding girlfriend. She barely glanced at me, indicating that I was not being obvious.
“He went out last night. I just figured it was a ‘stay out all night’ kind of outing. Now that I don’t live here, I’m sort of worried he doesn’t actually have a life. Before I just assumed he didn’t date because of me, though I wouldn’t have minded, ya know? I just want him to be happy. But now it’s just a little sad. He’s going to end up a lonely old cat lady if he doesn’t put himself out there and make more of an effort. Women aren’t going to just appear.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“Look at me, too depressing for this early in the morning. Sorry. How was your night?” I shrugged in response. I couldn’t speak. Mason was dating. Or rather he had been out all night. All night while he was texting me and making me feel guilty for sleeping with my boyfriend, he was out doing God knows what with God knows who. I felt numb. No, I was pissed, and hurt. Numbness would have been a nice reprieve. A vacation from this emotional hell I was in.
“So, what do you want to do today?” Leah asked, bringing me back to the moment. I shrugged again but ended up answering.
“We could swim or see a movie.”
“Umm, let’s see a movie. I haven’t been to the movies in forever! Plus, I just colored my hair.”
I nodded, and she jumped up to go get changed.
I watched her grab miscellaneous clothing items and then immediately pulled out my phone the second she dipped into the bathroom and shut the door.
Me: Tell me again why I shouldn’t sleep with my boyfriend, and this time don’t forget to mention why it’s okay that you fuck whomever you want though.
Mason: Shit, Scarlet. This is not the time.
Me: Yeah? When would be good for you? Tomorrow when you decide you’re ignoring me again?
Mason: No. When my daughter isn’t sitting right next to you.
Me: She’s in the shower. Be quick.
Mason: No. Let’s talk about this another time.
Me: Are you seeing someone?
Mason: I hardly think you of all people have the right to ask me something like that.
Me: Well la-ti-frickin-da, I’m asking anyway.
Mason: No. I’m not seeing anyone. It’s not serious.
Me: It’s not serious, but there is someone, isn’t there?
Mason: Scar…
Me: No, it’s fine.
Mason: It’s not what you think.
Me: Oh, so you didn’t fuck her while you were telling me not to fuck my boyfriend.
Mason: Scarlet. This is ridiculous. Stop it. It’s not what you think.
Me: Does she have tits? I’m pretty sure it’s exactly what I think.
Mason: She’s a goddamn booty call, okay? She’s nothing.
Me: You don’t have to justify it to me. Just don’t expect me to save myself for you.
Mason: Scar… Please. Let’s talk about this another time.
Me: I have to go. Leah just turned the water off.
Mason: This is so fucked up.
At least that’s one thing we both agreed on. It was absolutely fucked up. “Shall we get out of here?” Leah asked, throwing her purse over her shoulder. Water dripped from her messy topknot onto her NYU T-shirt. “Yeah. Let’s go.”
As we stepped into the living room, Mason’s eyes found mine instantly, but I quickly looked away. I didn’t want to see his beautiful face. Not after knowing that he was with someone just a few hours before. That made me the hypocrite of the century, but I was too jealous to care. “We’re gonna go see a movie,” Leah announced, coming to stand near her father.
Mason shifted and pulled out his wallet. “Good. Have fun. On me,” he offered, as he shoved a folded bill in her hand.
“A hundred?” Leah asked. Mason shrugged.
“If I can’t spoil two girls that I love, then why do I even go to work?”
“Because you’d never leave the house if not?” Leah teased, planting a kiss on his cheek.
I rolled my eyes. “Oh, I’m sure he could find plenty to do,” I said without thinking. Leah’s brows scrunched up in question, but she didn’t say anything. I smiled innocently and waved for us to get going. Shit, I was an idiot. Why was I so awkward? Why’d I have to open my big, fat mouth? Luckily, Leah nor Mason said anything else and off we went.
I know it was childish, but I spent practically the entire movie checking my phone. One text from Fredrick asking why I skipped out on him was all I ended up getting. I know I was being a jealous girlfriend, and Mason wasn’t even my boyfriend. But I justified my behavior because he had done something similar by asking me not to sleep with Fredrick.
In my mind, that was like declaring war, and I happily loaded all my cannons. Consequences be damned. Here I had a boyfriend, whom I knew for sure was cheating on me, and I barely cared after getting over the initial shock and realizing I could take him back without even addressing the issue. But I had no qualms getting territorial and jealous over someone who was technically not mine.
Days went by without word from Mason. It hurt. A small part of me thought for sure he was going to contact me the day Leah left. Was I a stupid girl for wanting him to apologize and tell me the other woman was nothing? Maybe. He was all I thought about, though. I was consumed with thoughts of him, day and night. It was unhealthy and maybe even a little self-destructive. I was a masochist looking for the pain that loving him caused.
Six
When I finally did hear from him, it had been well over a week since Leah left again. It came in the form of a single text inviting me over. Fredrick was sitting right next to me when I received the text. He glanced at me, but could not see my phone screen. I typed out a quick reply and then smiled over at my boyfriend. He smiled back visibly uneasy. He knew something was up, yet he said nothing. Maybe because deep down he knew he had no right to say anything to me concerning trust.
Still, when he asked if I was sleeping over that night, and I said no, his face said all I needed to hear. Did it make me the worst kind of person that I didn’t really care that I had just hurt him? His distrust was a tattoo across his eyes, and I ignored it and left him to stew.
I knocked on Mason’s front door and then smoothed my hands down my jeans. I was a nervous wreck. I fought the urge to run several times before he finally opened the door. Seeing his face, I was immediately glad I didn’t run. He was everything to me. Just seeing him simultaneously calmed and stirred something deep inside me.
I smiled self-consciously as he stood there just taking me in. My name was a promise on his lips as he opened the door, an invitation for me to follow him. “Can I get you something to drink?”
“Water.” He nodded and went to grab me a glass of water. I sat down on the sofa, and waited for his return.
As he sat down, I couldn’t help but notice he looked uneasy for the first time since I’d walked in. His eyes roamed to the sofa and I knew he was remembering what we did there weeks ago. He set my water down on the table and then moved to sit in the recliner.
“Tell me about her, Mason.” He looked confused. “The woman. Your booty call.” A flash of guilt passed through his eyes, and he shook his head.
“Scar…”
“No. You said we would talk about it later. I want to know about her. How long have you two been, you know.”
“Scarlet, I’ve been lonely for years. What do you want from me?” He put a hand through his disheveled, dark brown hair.
“I want you to answer the questions I ask.”
He sighed. “Her name is Emma. She’s a divorced mother of two teenage sons. It’s been a couple of months now.”
“How cute. A perfect little family then. When should I expect a wedding invitation?” I began to tear up. I knew it was stupid, but when it came to Mason, I couldn’t help but be stupid. All rational thought left me, and again I was a stupid girl.
His voice lowered to soothe me. “Come on. It’s not like that. It really isn’t.”
“Isn’t it? A divorcee with two sons. Months of booty calls with no drama. She sounds perfect for your life.”
“Scarlet, stop! Don’t assume things you know nothing about!”
“If I know nothing, then tell me!”
“Emma sneaks me in, we fuck, and then I leave. She said her sons aren’t ready for her to date yet. They have no idea that I’m there. It’s not cute. It’s not romantic. It’s two adults letting off a bit of steam after working all day.” He moved to sit next to me on the sofa, and my eyes trailed his every move.
“Is she pretty?”
“Yes.” I shoot him the most disgusted look ever. “Do you want me to lie? She is pretty. She’s tall, thin, blond, elegant, and pretty, but I don’t love her. And it isn’t serious. I’m giving you honesty, Scarlet.”
“Do you think you could love her one day?” I asked. His watery, ocean blue eyes bore into mine like he was looking into my soul.
“Do you think you could love Fredrick?” Neither one of us answered the question. We both just stared at each other for the longest time.
“How did we get here?” Mason asked, taking my hand in his and kissing my knuckles. I shook my head and nuzzled into his shoulder without saying anything. “Sometimes I wonder how we got anywhere, and I don’t want to stop. But then I also know we need to stop.” I shook my head again and looked into his eyes.
“Don’t stop.”
He lowered his lips to meet mine. He pulled my bottom lip in between his teeth and then took my mouth in a sweet dance. I was dizzy from the closeness and he hadn’t even moved yet. His hand came to rest at the nape of my neck as he made love to my lips. My hands fisted in his shirt as I hung on for dear life.
I needed him to not stop. I needed his touch. I was starving for his attention. As his mouth moved he let out small gasps like he was drowning in me. I wouldn’t save him. I couldn’t. Because I was drowning too. When he was through with me, he didn’t just pull back a little. He stood and backed away from me.
“We need to end this. You know it needs to end, Scarlet.” I was embarrassed to be pulled in and tossed out yet again by this man, and more, I was pissed off. I jumped up, took two steps across the room to him and shoved at his chest.
“Why? Why do you do this to me?! You pull me in and make me feel like you want me and then toss me out on my ass in a minute’s time!”
I might have been naïve, but I wasn’t that stupid. I knew it was just a matter of minutes before he would be pulling away again, so I pulled away first. I pushed him away and wrapped my arms around my stomach to keep from reaching out to him again.
“Why do you have to be the most frustrating, hottest man ever?”
“My looks have nothing to do with why you’re attracted to me, and you know it. I know it because it’s the same with you. Though you are gorgeous, I’d be attracted to you even if you weren’t. It’s our personalities. It’s how everything has always been so easy with us. We know each other. We trust each other.” He sighed and sat down.
“Deep down we both know this can’t go on too. I’ve fallen in love with you, but I can’t give you what you deserve right now. Our families would be devastated by this, and we shouldn’t be selfish and ignore that. I can’t love you the way I want to love you at this stage in your life. But I can love you the way you should be loved from afar. I can root for you, be supportive, and let you be happy. I can love you the right way.”
Halfway through his rant, I could feel tears streaming down my face. He leaned in and wiped them away with his thumbs, and I cried more. I knew he was right, but it hurt. “This isn’t fair,” I croaked out.
“I love you, Scarlet. You are incredible and amazing and beautiful. You’re perfect, and you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re going to be so happy without me. I should have never made a move on you. I was wrong, and I’m sorry.”
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