This is Not a Fairytale

by Kate, Rebecca

  “Stop. Stop it. Stop it,” I just kept mumbling as my eyes squeezed shut. I felt like my heart was too heavy in my chest. It hurt so bad. When he said nothing in return, I took a chance and looked up at him. I was shocked to see he was also crying. Silent tears ran down his face.

  “I’m so fucked up! Your dad should take me out back and shoot me like the dog I am. Fucking statutory rape shit! I’ve hurt you, and it kills me.”

  “You’re not a dog, and this is not statutory rape. Don’t you ever say that, Mason. I mean it! I make my own decisions. Have I ever given you any reason to think I didn’t want to be with you?”

  “You’re young. You don’t know what you want. Just because you were willing doesn’t mean it was right that we were together. I’m the older one. I should have known better.”

  “I’m not twelve or thirteen, Mason, I’m an adult! I’ve wanted to be with you since long before I got your attention. Maybe it would have been wrong of you then, but it’s not wrong of you now.”

  “It feels wrong, what I want to do with you. My stomach is in a constant state of knots. I can’t live with myself like this. I hate myself for being so attracted to you.”

  “Then we should stop. Because I love you and I hate how this makes you feel. But I’m upset with you because I want to be with you, not because you did something bad. And you shouldn’t feel sorry.”

  I pulled him in for a hug, and he held me tight. We stayed like that for what felt like forever. Neither of us wanted to let go because we both knew this was the end. Silent tears ran from his eyes into my hair as he held me close. Every now and then he would lean in and kiss the top of my head. I never wanted to let him go.

  My world ended the day Mason and I decided to stop seeing each other. I felt like I had lost a part of me I would never get back. I cried more in those first few months than I had cried all my life. I was in mourning as if he had died, but he hadn't. I tried to tell myself that it was stupid to mourn someone that hadn’t died. I tried to remind myself that I hadn’t even had him before I lost him. But logic has no place in heartbreak.

  My poor parents spent weeks worrying about me. In a moment of horror, my father sat me down and without coming right out and saying it asked if Fredrick had abused me, physically, sexually, or mentally. I’m sure to him it looked like something tragic had happened to me to make me disappear into myself like I had. I cringed and told him Fredrick and I had broken up and I was just sad. To make myself less of a liar, I broke up with Fredrick that same week.

  I didn’t care anymore. I had lost the man I actually wanted. Fredrick was upset. I was not. Not about him, at least. I avoided Leah’s calls. I missed her, but I felt too guilty and upset to talk to her. I wanted to talk to Mason. Every time I laid down in bed, he was all I saw.

  Seven

  Out of some act of God, the pain lessened over time. I woke up less and less upset, and I moved on. The pain eased up, thinking of him happened less and less, and I felt like a human being again. At some point, my mom asked me if I wanted to go to the store with her to pick out something for my father’s birthday, and when I agreed, her face lit up like a Christmas tree.

  That was the moment I realized that I needed to get over Mason and live, if not for me than for everyone else in my life. My family missed me. I hadn’t realized I was gone, but my mother looked as if she hadn’t seen me in months. I had to get back to life.

  The moment Leah’s name read across my phone and it didn’t induce a sharp chest pain I knew it was time to start answering her calls again. “Holy hell, look at you, alive and shit!” she said when I greeted my best friend.

  “I’m alive and shit.”

  “That’s good, cuz I’ve got questions. First one being, where the hell have you been?”

  “Sorry. I guess I kind of closed in on myself. Freddy and I broke up.”

  She was silent for the longest time. Then I smiled for the first time in weeks when she said, “Nope. Not buying it. You liked him, but not that much. What really happened?” She was the smartest person I knew. She knew me better than I knew myself sometimes. She knew I’d never do this over breaking up with Freddy.

  “I’ve just been a little depressed lately, okay? I like someone that I’ll never have. That’s the end of it. I don’t want to talk about it, Leah. I’m serious.” I could practically hear the wheels turning in her head as she tried to decode my words.

  “Okay. I don’t like that you won’t tell me more, but fine, whatever, if you’re talking to me at all I guess that’s a step up from yesterday, and I won’t take it for granted.”

  “I’m sorry,” was all I answered back, and that was all she needed. We fell into easy conversation, and it felt good to talk to her again. In a way, it healed me. She was so easy to talk to, just like a certain someone I was trying desperately to not think about.

  * * *

  Two years went by. I threw myself into school, went on a few normal, bland, awful first dates that never had a chance of progressing into anything more. I was happy. I made good grades and even got a job at a bar at night. I moved into a tiny one-bedroom apartment the next city over. The rent was cheap, and the neighbors were questionable, and I loved it!

  I went to work every night exhausted, but I wanted a life for myself, and this was my start. My parents came over to have dinner with me from time to time, but for the most part, I was on my own. I became good friends with one of my classmates, Sebastian, and had been spending all of my time with him. To outsiders, it may have even looked like we were dating, but I cherished our non-romantic relationship.

  I knew Sebastian wanted to be more than friends, but I cared about him in a strictly platonic way. Still, I knew he was a good man, and despite my awful taste in men, I did understand that one day I would need to give a good man a chance.

  He often came into the bar where I worked late at night, sat with me and had a few beers while I finished up my shift. For two years it had become our routine. “What’s life today?” he’d ask, and I’d indulge him in a story of my day, starting the tale off with, “life is good today…” or “life straight up sucked today…”

  College was unfortunately filled with group projects, and life sucked those weeks. He knew this, and he shared the feeling. He was my equal in that way. Like me, Sebastian wasn’t shy, but like me he also hated people. I’d complain about having to work with idiots that never followed through on their part of the project, and he’d laugh and say, “Run away with me,” because he shared that hate for the idiots in the world that never followed through.

  Like clockwork, he followed me to my car every night. He insisted the world was too dangerous for a young lady like myself to walk to her car in the dark, alone. I liked that he cared, so I let him walk me to my car and make sure I was safe. We often had live bands play, and one night in particular proved very interesting, to say the least. The band was good that night, I had to admit. I listened in, bobbing my head to the beat while I washed glasses.

  The place was packed. Which is why it was especially strange that I got the most distinct shiver down my spine at the sound of a customer’s request, “Jack and Coke, please.” I was facing the other way but would have known that voice anywhere. He was giving his order to Brianna, the other bartender, and an acquaintance of mine. “I’ve got this one, B,” I said to her as I stretched to reach a rocks glass.

  His mouth spread into a knowing grin. “Scarlet,” he said, eyes lighting up with admiration.

  “Fredrick,” I called back, handing him the full glass. His hand brushed mine as he took it and brought it to his lips.

  “Perfect.” I got the distinct impression that he was talking about more than just the drink, and my body tingled with familiarity. I was happy to see him too.

  “First time in here?” I asked.

  “Yeah, my friend’s band is playing tonight. I came along for support. He’s nervous. I helped him write that last song. What did you think of it?”

  “I think he’s got no
thing to be nervous about. He’s doing great.” He smiled.

  “I’ll be sure to tell him you said that.” I beamed, and his eyes dropped to my lips. “On second thought, maybe I shouldn’t. A compliment from a beautiful woman like yourself might go to his head.” He smirked, and I laughed. “What are you doing after work tonight?” he asked.

  The way his eyes lingered on my lips was not lost on me. I wasn’t a fool. I knew what he wanted, and my body knew it too. Like an invisible string between us, we moved to one another. My body welcomed the idea of him like one welcomes the thought of spring after a long winter.

  We still had the same chemistry we had two years ago. I was just about to walk right into his trap when I heard my name. I whipped my head around to find Sebastian walking up to the bar with a confused look on his face. There had been no missing my attraction to Fredrick.

  I’m sure everyone in there saw it, and I was sure Sebastian had seen it too. My body language alone was universal, and it likely upset Sebastian. “Hey, Sebastian. I was just talking to an old friend of mine,” I said before introducing them. The two stood there silently sizing each other up. It was unnerving and a little amusing.

  Sebastian placed a possessive arm around my shoulder which was out of character for him. Fredrick’s eyes flicked from Sebastian’s arm to my face. He smiled, but it was forced.

  “It was a pleasure seeing you again, Scar. Just as beautiful as I had remembered.” His line of sight traveled across my dark waves, along my pink lips, and came to a dead stop at my bright eyes. “I’ll see you around,” he said. Then he leaned in and placed a warm kiss on the side of my face, and disappeared into the crowd. I could feel his kiss long after he was out of sight.

  My shift was over all too soon, and Sebastian was a little eager to get me into my car and on my way home. Maybe he thought if I got home, then I’d forget about seeing a man I was obviously attracted to. And he could continue to keep me all to himself. As I walked out of the bar, I took one last look around, hoping to catch the familiar big, brown eyes that I knew so well, but had no such luck. He was already long gone.

  I went home with an odd smile on my lips that night. It had been so long since I experienced feelings other than friendship toward men. It had been since Mason. Maybe I was stupid for feeling something for Freddy. After all, he wasn't exactly the greatest boyfriend. It didn't matter, really. It wasn't as if I was going to see him again. I was being silly.

  “Who was that guy yesterday? The old friend…” Sebastian asked on the way to class the following morning after the infamous run-in with Fredrick.

  “Uhh, no one, really,” I lied. Sebastian gave me an impatient look. He could see through my lie. We had become so close of friends so quickly. And through the years we had become each other’s biggest support systems.

  That’s not to say I wasn’t still close to Leah though. She was and always would be my very best friend, but Sebastian had become a close second. He was intuitive, and I mostly admired that about him; just not when it was directed in my way with questions of a past I did not want to get into.

  He nodded, his lips in a pale, disbelieving line. “Now who is he, for real?” Like Leah, it was pointless to lie to Sebastian. I often wondered if I attracted people that were extremely intuitive, or if I was just the worst at hiding my feelings. Perhaps I was just transparent and needed to work on that.

  “He’s my ex-boyfriend. Or rather my only serious boyfriend.”

  “I see.” He paused like he was choosing his words wisely. “Do you still love him?”

  “Umm. I don't think I ever loved him.” He didn't look convinced.

  “You've never been in love before?” His brows furrowed in pity.

  “What?”

  “You said he was your first and only serious boyfriend, and that you didn't love him. So you've never been in love?” My thoughts immediately went to Mason. Mason, who I’ve loved my whole life. Mason the amazing man that I never got to love properly. Mason who I’ve been trying not to love for as long as I could remember.

  “No. I’ve never been in love,” I said, half lying.

  “That's a shame. A beautiful woman like you. You deserve to love and be loved.” He looked at me with that twinkle in his eyes that made my stomach feel funny. I loved him, but not like he wanted me to love him. I should have loved him, and if I could have physically forced those feelings, I would have. He treated everyone with respect, and I cursed myself for having such unwavering shit taste in men.

  Even the men I went on random dates throughout the last two years proved to be shitty. Most of them were just in it for a quick fuck. One even claimed to have left his wallet at home, and then after letting me pay the bill, suggested we go back to his place to Netflix and Chill. Talk about a real prince charming. A smarter woman would love Sebastian instantly.

  “Have you ever been in love, Sebastian?”

  He paused, lost in thought. “Yes.”

  I felt guilty lying to him when he was being so honest with me. That didn't stop me from prying even more into the private, personal life of Sebastian Taylor.

  “What happened?” He smiled at my question, or maybe at the memory.

  “Amy Abrams, the smartest girl I’ve ever known. So smart she skipped junior year of high school. Just tested out of the whole damn thing. Graduated early and went on to college a whole year before me though we were the same age. When she left, she decided it was best if we broke things off right then and there. Said she wanted to focus on her studies and not be held back by a relationship.”

  Sebastian shrugged and continued, “It’s for the best, really. We kept in touch for a little bit, and already we’ve both changed so much. I don’t know if we would have made it last any longer had we tried to stick it out.”

  He said it with a carefree smile like it’s just that simple. I envy him. I wish I could forget Mason that easy and be able to say things out loud like, “it’s for the best,” and “it’s all good…” Honestly, I’d give my left tit just to be able to say Mason’s name out loud without feeling like I’ve just been kicked in the gut. But life is so cruel when you want things that you don’t deserve.

  Life doesn't ever happen the way you want it to. That wouldn't be fair, and as I’ve said before, life isn't fair. I was hoping to never be tempted by Fredrick’s presence again, but of course, that is not the reality I faced. Fredrick came back night after night, effectively pissing Sebastian off.

  At first, he used it as an excuse to put Fredrick in his place and pull me away from him, but as I fell into the comfortable charm of my ex, Sebastian got more and more frustrated. One evening I was unconsciously leaning into Fredrick over a retelling of his afternoon in the recording studio when I felt an arm on my shoulder.

  “Early shift?” Sebastian murmured into my ear attempting to force his way into the situation. You know what they say about three being a crowd? Well, I never really understood that saying until that very moment. It was getting very crowded in my life.

  “Yes. It was a slow evening so, Jason, my manager, let me go early,” I said, momentarily breaking my connection with Fredrick to answer my impatient friend.

  “You should have called me. I would have come sooner if I’d known you were getting off early.”

  “What is this guy, your body guard?” Fredrick commented, turning to sip his drink.

  He was aiming to look uninterested and succeeding, but I could see through him. Sebastian was irritating him and getting in his way. “At least I have a place in her life. What is it you're doing here again?”

  Fredrick stood up to even out the grounds between them, and I suddenly felt like I was in the middle of yet another pissing match. Like I was standing in between two adorable pit bulls gearing up for an unfair fight.

  Unlike pit bulls, these men weren't innocent. Still, I was caught in an unfortunate situation. I don’t believe I ever loved Fredrick, at least not the way a girlfriend should, but I did care about him. Similarly, I cared for Sebast
ian. He picked me up when I was down and lonely, and just a little bit broken. Through his friendship, I got stronger and began to enjoy my life more.

  I knew I needed to do something, but I didn't know which man to defend. I decided the best route was to defend Fredrick that time. Sebastian would be easier to apologize to later and I was suddenly struck with the fear that I could lose one of these men if I didn’t choose. I had never thought of Fredrick in that way before. I’d always found it convenient to keep him around, but I never felt like I needed him. Standing between him and another man just then, I felt an odd pull to him. A need I couldn't explain and didn't want to label.

  My hands went to the chests of the men opposite of each other on each side of me. Both strong and beautiful. Fredrick’s warm hand immediately moved to cover mine and hold it in place on his chest, while Sebastian backed up a step out of my reach. The simple move spoke volumes to me.

  I turned to Sebastian. “I got out of work early. I’m not required to tell you my whereabouts. I would have called you if I needed you. I didn't. Now please, don’t fight at my work. Have a drink or go home if you want, but I’m having drinks with an old friend right now. I’ll text you later.”

  I searched his eyes, and I saw pain there. Pain I selfishly couldn’t deal with. Not just yet. He was jealous, and I ignored him. His arms crossed and he nodded his head, though he said nothing. Then he turned and walked away. I had a small urge to call him back and apologize.

  I didn't like hurting him, and I didn't like the sight of him leaving clearly upset with me. But I would have just prolonged the drama and given him mixed signals if I hadn’t let him go. I bit my tongue and turned back to Fredrick who was still holding my hand to his chest. It felt good. He felt good. His chest was strong. Different than I had remembered. He had put on weight in the short time between when we last touched, but it was the good kind of weight. He was filling out and maturing as a man.

  “So…” he said, as his thumb absentmindedly grazed against my knuckles over and over. I enjoyed the smooth feel of the silver rings that embellished his hands. The artist in me recognized and appreciated the artist in him.