I put my arm around his chest, and he pulled it to his lips and kissed my knuckles. “Don’t be mad at me, but I told Leah. She told me to tell you that she loves you. Everything is going to be okay. We can talk more later. I just wanted to free you from that. I love you, and I’m sorry. Sleep.”
Mason didn’t say anything in return. He didn’t move. He didn’t come out of the bedroom for three whole days. I assume he called in sick to work, but I wouldn’t know for sure. I tried talking to him. I tried getting him to eat. I even set food on a tray, beside him, on the nightstand.
He didn’t touch it or even open his eyes. I would have worried something was seriously wrong, but the rise and fall of his chest let me know he was breathing. He needed time, and it hurt to not be able to work through this with him. But I gave him the time he needed.
When he finally did get up, the sight of him in my kitchen startled me. His chin and neck was covered in a dusting of salt and pepper hair from not shaving, but through it, I could see the bruises, and his neck looked like he had been in a serious altercation and barely missed death.
He looked rough and unkempt. It was ironic really. I had been married to a drug addict for years and he never looked as rough as the man standing before me in that moment. “I don’t want Ash to see me like this,” he whispered, walking toward me in the kitchen. “I have to go to work. I’ll see you later,” he said, tipping my chin up to meet his face.
Then he kissed me soft and slow. I felt every bit of sadness in his kiss. I felt his worry and his pain. I felt his love for me too. He pulled away and looked deep into my eyes for a few minutes, and then he left without another word.
“I love you,” I whispered to his back, as he silently walked out my door.
I used that day to spend some quality time with Ash. I knew Mason would be at work all day, so I didn’t want to waste my time worrying about him. He was going to be fine, eventually. With that in mind, when Mason didn’t show up that night, I didn’t worry.
When Mason didn’t show up the next morning, I didn’t worry. When Mason didn’t show up the next night, I didn’t worry. But when Mason failed to answer his phone or come by the entire weekend, I began to worry. Monday night, I was in full-blown crisis mode.
There’s this odd thing in life that most people never experience, but if you do, it’s extremely hard to navigate. When you are worried about a person that you love, but are fighting with or not speaking to absolutely anyone you could call, it is confusing and difficult.
I went back and forth hovering over Leah and my father’s names in my contacts list, but ultimately, I chickened out of calling either one of them. Instead, I put Ash in his car seat and drove by Mason’s house, like a damn spy, or a clingy girlfriend, and I was both relieved and confused when I saw his truck in his driveway.
It was a weird moment for me because for as much time as we had been spending together lately, I hadn’t been over to his house in years. He had the key to my door and passcode to my alarm, but I didn’t even have a key to his house. With Ash on my hip, I knocked on Mason’s front door and waited.
It took three tries for him to finally open up, and when he did, he looked like an even bigger mess than he had the morning he left my kitchen. He didn’t look surprised to see me, but I sure was surprised to see him the way he was. I called his name like a question, and he opened the door for me to come in.
“Did you go to work looking like that?” I asked.
“No,” he answered.
“You can’t just skip out on work indefinitely.”
“I have vacation days I needed to take.”
I looked around the room, expecting it to look as disheveled as he did, but surprisingly found it just as clean as it always was.
“Tropical,” I teased, and he smirked.
“What are you doing here, Scarlet?” he asked, clicking on a children’s show on Netflix to keep Ash occupied.
“I was worried about you.” He looked over at Ash, and satisfied with how distracted he was by the video, Mason took my hand and escorted me to the kitchen.
“I just need time, Scar.” I tried not to cry, but I could feel rogue tears falling anyway.
“I feel awful I’ve put you through this,” I admitted.
“You didn’t do anything. Stop blaming yourself. You keep blaming yourself like I had nothing to do with it. Which, I’m sure is exactly how you phrased it to Leah, which means I still have a lot of explaining to do with her. But I’m not trying to push you away, I promise. I’m just trying to breathe.
“The two people who have known me my entire adult life called me a rapist, a monster, and a piece of shit. That’s heavy, Scarlet. I need time to process. I need time to remember who I am. Because right now I can’t even close my eyes without hearing them over and over in my head. I can’t escape it and looking at you. Looking at how beautiful and kind and smart you are, hurts and it’s confusing.”
“You don’t actually believe those things, do you?”
“No. Yes. Maybe.”
I grabbed his face in my hands. “Don’t make me leave. I don’t want you wallowing in self-doubt and listening to the shit they said to you. Let’s take a breather together.”
He pulled me into his chest and held me. “What if I am a monster?” he whispered so quietly, I was sure he didn’t want me to answer.
“Were you attracted to me when I was a child?”
Mason pulled back at my words. “No,” was his only response.
Maybe my question wasn’t harsh enough, though, because it wasn’t the response I knew he had in him. The words I knew I had to say felt bitter in my mouth. But I knew the answers before I opened my mouth, and I had a responsibility to rub his face in it until he stopped hating himself.
“Did you want to fuck me when I was fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, Mason? Did you want me then?” I tried not to cringe saying it. I knew he wouldn’t understand the difference until I came right out and said it.
“That’s disgusting, Scarlet! Stop it!”
“No. Tell me the truth, Mason!” We were shouting by then, but this needed to be done, and I didn’t want him losing the moment.
“Jesus. Fine! You want the truth? No! I wouldn’t have fucked you back then! You weren’t a woman to me back then. I didn’t even notice you! Maybe that makes me an asshole, and I’m sorry. It’s true though. Truth is, I was a shitty parent because I worked too damn much to even spend time with my own child, much less her friends.
“I’m sure your parents know a hell of a lot more about Leah than I knew about you. I worked my fucking life away! I barely knew you more than just being my friend’s kid, and I definitely did not see you that way back then. You weren’t a woman to me until I saw you with Fredrick, up against my house like two adults. You weren’t a woman to me until you came down my stairs with that damn dress on and no bra, talking about good sex and drinking beers.”
I smiled. “You don’t sound like a monster to me, Mason. You sound like a man. Maybe you were gone too much. Maybe you did work too much and should have spent more time raising your daughter. But maybe that’s why she’s so strong and independent. But you see? You’re not a monster. You’re just a man that worked too damn much, and then fell in love with the wrong woman the right way.”
I think that was the moment Mason finally saw our love for what it was. Maybe it was scandalous, and maybe it was a little confusing, but it was honest and real. He wasn’t a monster, and I had never felt violated by him. If anything, I pushed him to uncomfortable levels, and for that, I’d always be sorry. But the way we loved each other was innocent, and I’d always defend it.
I convinced him to shave while I put Ash to bed in Leah’s old room. Then I went in search of the man I loved. I found him in nothing but a pair of sweatpants, lying face down on his bed, with his arms stretched wide. I marveled at his beautiful body. He had taken good care of himself, this I was sure of.
The muscles in his arms corded and thickened as they got close
r to his impressively massive shoulders. I wanted to lick every inch of his toned back and get lost in that small patch of hair just above his hard, rounded bum. With that plan in mind, I crawled across the bed and hovered over him, dipping my head down to kiss his neck.
Faster than lightning, he turned to the side beneath me, and flipped us so that I was under his hard body. I wrapped my legs around him and pulled him closer to me, but he pulled out of my embrace. “Not yet. I want to talk. Good things come to those who wait, remember?”
I feigned annoyance, and smiled, agreeing to talk. But I kept my legs around him, because I couldn’t stand to completely lose the intimacy of the moment.
“What did Leah say?” Mason asked.
“She said she’s creeped out, but that she’ll work through it. And that she’s worried I’ll hurt you.” His brows furrowed with confusion, so I elaborated. “Like her mother and Emma both did.”
Then he understood instantly. He almost looked amused. “Leah’s mother, Haley, was never mother material. She was wild and dangerous, like a hurricane. A beautiful disaster. She would never have stayed with anyone, and though it took me a long time to realize that, I’m grateful it all happened the way it did.
“Emma was mother material and wife material, she just wasn’t my type. She was self-absorbed and had a low self-esteem. Too focused on what everyone else thought of her. She spent a lot of our time together gossiping about the other mothers of kids her sons knew. Any time I tried to explain to her how unimportant that shallow shit was, she’d get pissed at me.
“I think the only reason she stayed with me as long as she did was because I fit her description of hot boyfriend. I was her accessory to parade around the other couples in her social circle. Sure, she left me, I didn’t leave her. But I pushed her away when I stopped giving a fuck.”
I felt so relieved hearing him explain all of that. I don’t know why, but I had always envisioned those two women as perfect and perfect for him. In that light, they seemed intimidating. I felt like everything I did was compared to things they did. Did he think of them as perfect, and me as good enough?
It was good to hear that wasn’t the case. “What else did she say?”
I thought back to the conversation.
“She said she loves you no matter what and will get over this eventually, but she needs time. She’s hurt we lied to her, and she doesn’t want us to have children together.” He sighed in relief.
“What do you think about that?” I asked.
“Oh umm, I can’t have any more kids. I got a vasectomy while I was dating Emma. Is that a deal breaker?” That was a shock. I didn’t have words to give him, so I just stared back at him. “I’m getting old, Scarlet. I shouldn’t be having kids at my age. Surely you’ve thought about that.”
I shrugged like what he said didn’t bother me. In reality, it did, but I wasn’t exactly sure why. I needed time to process that information. I didn’t really want to have more kids, and I knew Leah didn’t want me having kids with Mason, but the news still stung a little.
“Of course it’s not a deal breaker. I get it.” I smiled sweetly up at him.
“Oh, Scarlet. Take a minute and let that digest, but I promise, it’s for the best.”
Mason made love to me that night. Really made love to me. He was passionate and unhurried. He worshiped me and took his time, moving us closer to the end together. I fell asleep with him inside of me and woke to him working out with a pull-up bar on the door frame. I had never felt more beautiful, more like a warrior princess, than I did when he was with me like he had been the night before. I smiled at that thought.
“You work out?” I teased groggily. He jumped down from the bar and prowled over to me on the bed. Grabbing me by my ankle, he pulled me down to him. Settling his hand on my waist.
“Yes, I work out. I work out every single morning. How else am I supposed to keep up with my hot, young girlfriend if I don’t work out? I’m an old man, Scarlet. Gotta keep up with the competition somehow.”
“I don’t think you have anything to worry about,” I rasped, enjoying the way his toned body covered mine.
“Oh yeah? Are you sure? Because everywhere you go, men look at you like you’re the last drink of water in the goddamn desert. That’s a lot of competition.” I found it hard to pay attention to him when his beautiful eyes were so focused on me.
“Does that bother you that men find me appealing?” I asked, genuinely curious. He shrugged.
“Nah. It only makes me work harder to be the man of your dreams so that you never have a reason to look back at them.” I considered that for a second, and then replied.
“A wise man once told me, ‘you don’t have to work so hard to get my attention. I see you. I am very aware of you.’ I don’t think you have anything to worry about. You’ve always been the man of my dreams.”
Nineteen
It took Leah a few months to get used to the idea of Mason and I being together. But just as she promised she would, she came around. She even watched Ash a few times so Mason and I could have date night. Having Leah in our corner was just what the doctor ordered for Mason.
He had come to the realization that he hadn’t spent enough time with Leah as she was growing up, and he was determined to make more of an effort with her. He and Sebastian even grew closer as father and son-in-law.
My favorite memory of them together was at Leah’s surprise thirtieth birthday party. They threw it at Mason’s home, and they worked together on every little detail to get it just right for our girl. Mason looked disappointedly at a centerpiece decoration.
He looked like an adorably confused puppy with his head tilted to the side. “This isn’t sitting right,” he said, turning to Sebastian.
“What do you mean?” Sebastian tilted his head to the side, mimicking Mason’s look. Then he said, “Oh, right. I see what you mean. It’s leaning too much on this side.”
“Are you high?” I asked them, crossing my arms. They both looked at me like I was the crazy one. Like it mattered that one tiny decoration was leaning ever so slightly to the side. Like Leah was going to walk into this party and say, “Fuck it all! I can’t even enjoy myself because of this repulsive, unsightly, crooked centerpiece!”
The men both ignored me, and Mason ran off somewhere to get popsicle sticks to line the centerpiece up properly. Then they got started on the banner, and I laughed at how serious they treated the task. It was truly a big deal for them to have everything perfect for Leah.
Sebastian left to go get Leah, and Mason turned to me while I was icing Leah’s cake. He dipped his finger into the frosting and smeared it along my neck.
“Mason! What are you doing?” I shrieked but stopped abruptly when his tongue swept out to clean the frosting off.
My heart picked up, and he laid kisses all the way from just under my earlobe down to my collarbone. His hands were pressed to the counter behind me, locking me in, and I turned to look up at him. “You’re wearing that black dress again. I’m finding it very hard to concentrate with you in that black dress in my kitchen. You look tastier than that cake you just pulled out of the oven.”
“I don’t know… You seem to be concentrating just fine. This place looks amazing.”
“Well, it’s important to me that today goes well. But that dress is important to me too. It’s a shame, really. It’s such an exquisite dress, and all I can think of is how it will look on my floor later tonight.”
“You are so bad,” I teased, putting a small dot of icing on his lips. I kissed his glorious mouth, and then lightly bit his juicy bottom lip. He groaned.
“Do you think we have time for a quickie before people start showing up?” he growled, and I laughed at his eagerness. But knew people would be showing up any moment.
“No, Mason. We don’t.” He moved to press something on a remote nearby, and then grabbed me by the waist and hand, and hummed.
“Well then, how about a dance.” Music filled my ears, and I melted into
his arms.
“You just had this song ready and waiting for this moment? How are you even real?”
“I made a playlist on Spotify. That remote just resumed it. I’m really not that special. If a fine woman, such as yourself, has never been treated to an impromptu dance in the kitchen while making a cake for her best friend’s surprise party, then you’re with the wrong man.”
“I mean, you make a great point.” I couldn’t help the smile that took over my face as I looked up into his warm, blue eyes. “Tell me something that’s true.” I requested. He thoughts for a moment, and then answered.
“I knew I needed you before I knew who you were. Never did I consider I knew you all along, and that if I were patient, we’d find our way to one another. But I knew I was missing a woman that was kind, brilliant, awkward and adorable, and sometimes downright hilarious. I knew I needed her. I knew she was essential to my life.” He paused. “Your turn. Spill it.”
“I thought about you on my wedding day. And every day before it. And every day after it.”
Mason paused. “I thought you didn’t see me there.” We stopped dancing, so I pulled out of his embrace as a knock sounded at the door. “I’ll get that before I commandeer the rest of that delicious icing you made.”
But as he moved to the door, my stomach dropped. Was he there? How? I wanted to stop him and demand all the answers. But I also knew that wasn’t the time. I would just have to wait.
Leah’s friends began showing up in groups. People filled Mason’s living room, and I could tell it pleased him to see all the people that cared so much for Leah waiting to make her day special. His smile was contagious, and the love he felt for his daughter shone through his eyes.
Many friends from Leah and Sebastian’s wedding showed up, including Julian. Julian showing up surprisingly didn’t influence Mason. I had short-lived anxiety over that situation, which turned out to be anticlimactic. That was a relief. He must have taken what I said seriously. Ready and waiting, the moment Leah walked in the door with Sebastian, we jumped up and shouted.
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