“Fuck. That,” Cain snarls from the other side of the table, and for once, he and I are in total agreement.
“She’s one of us,” Andras counters. His sky blue gaze darts to me for half a second, and I know exactly what he means: I’m not one of them. And Lilith is. Their loyalty should be to her. “We don’t turn our backs on family.”
“Lilith made her choice when she aligned with Lucifer,” L states. “The Se7en was founded on absolute trust, and she broke that the minute she set us up.”
“Did she also tell you that he was threatening to put a price on all our heads? Unleashing his entire army on Earth if we didn’t give her up?”
“Isn’t that what he’s already doing?” Toyol chimes in.
Andras shakes his head. “That was just a warning. He isn’t playing by the rules anymore.”
“He wouldn’t dare,” Toyol retorts. “He knows the terms set by the Almighty. Breaking them is suicide, and he’s much too narcissistic to take the risk.”
“And now that he gave up the use of the Called in his bargain with Eden, he’s losing leverage,” L adds. “We can handle whatever he throws at us.”
“But what if Lucifer isn’t behind the increased attacks?”
The whole room grows silent, and a chill sweeps through the space, as if the AC has just been cranked up. Everyone turns towards the source of that feminine, sing-song voice aside from me. I can’t look at her right now. Not when I can still feel the silver, angel venom-soaked rope biting into my wrists.
“You are forbidden from joining this meeting, Lilith. Leave!” L shouts, forcefully enough to make flinch.
“Just hear me out,” she pleads. “I have information that could help us—that could save our lives. I want to help.”
“You’ve done enough.”
“Please, Legion…I’m sorry. Eden?” Her voice trembles but I still refuse to give her the decency of an acknowledgement. “What I said…I didn’t mean it. You have to know that. I only had to say those things so Lucifer would believe I was on his side.”
When I don’t respond, Phenex pipes in with, “You were on his side, Lilith. Your actions have hurt this entire team. You have to take responsibility for what you’ve done.”
“And I have. Phenex, you know my heart. You know I could never maliciously hurt someone, especially L. Lucifer promised me he wouldn’t be harmed.”
“Yet, you sacrificed Eden?” L roars, jumping to his feet. “How could you? Do you know what I risked to get her back? What the Dark sacrificed to keep her safe? Do you have any idea of the mess you caused?”
“I…I…know I…” she snivels, probably looking like the doe-eyed damsel in distress that I believed she was when we first met. Before I knew that she was nothing but a wolf in sheep’s clothing. “I’m sorry. Let me make it right. Let me have another chance. I can help.”
L makes a face as if he’s about to spit the bitter curse of her name from his mouth. He looks down at me, and somehow, his expression instantly softens. “What do you want to do with her, Eden? You are the one who has suffered the most from her treachery. How should she be dealt with?”
Disownment.
Banishment.
Death.
They all seem like pretty good options to me. But I know that the Se7en wouldn’t just be losing one member. They’d be losing two. Andras wouldn’t get over it. And I can’t be the cause of any more pain or dissention.
“If you think she can be trusted, whatever she knows could be valuable.”
I don’t have to look up to know that they’re all staring at me, some with expressions of shock or confusion. Others with relief and thankfulness. I’m done with being a part of this. I did what I said I’d do, and now I can’t stand to be in the same room with Lilith for one second longer.
Slowly, I climb to my feet, and turn away from their perplexed faces. The moment my eyes fall on her slender, unusually disheveled frame, I see red. Then I’m marching towards her, heart thumping and my jaw tensed so tight that my cheeks ache. She doesn’t even have time to shield herself, or doesn’t feel the need to, before my fist collides with her nose with a resounding crack! that echoes throughout the room. She staggers, holding her nose that’s trickling with blood, and looks at me with wild eyes.
“Me and you…we’re done,” I spit, venom dripping from my tongue. “I don’t forgive you and I haven’t forgotten what you did. From here on out, I could give a fuck about you and your apologies. You are dead to me.”
I storm out of the room and down the hall with stunned silence at my back, aside from the sound of Cain’s gruff snickering.
Once the adrenaline wears off, my hand is aching like a bitch, yet I’m too pissed, and maybe a little embarrassed, to go out to the kitchen for ice. So when Phenex shows up with a tray of food and an ice pack, I nearly break out into tears.
“Now, now,” he coos, setting the tray on the bedside table. “I couldn’t let you starve back here. Besides, that was one mean right hook. You need your strength.”
He smiles, filling me with a warmth that I hadn’t felt in so long. Outside of L, I had missed him the most.
“Thank you,” I murmur before sucking in my bottom lip to keep from crying.
“You must be exhausted. Here. Let’s get you fed so you can get some rest.”
He whips off the metal dome to reveal a piping hot plate of roast beef with vegetables and mashed potatoes with extra gravy. It smells divine, and my stomach roars in agreement.
“I think Jinn missed you most of all. And although it’s excessive,” he adds, uncovering a smaller dish, “I thought you deserved this.”
It’s mac and cheese. The good shit too. If I weren’t starving, I’d totally be a blubbering mess.
“I feel weird eating in front of you,” I say, my words muffled by a huge spoonful of ridiculously cheesy pasta. “Share with me.”
Phenex lifts a palm. “All for you. I’m good.”
I dig in with exuberance, realizing how hungry I actually am. It’s been at least a day since I’ve eaten…or maybe not. If time passes differently here than it does in Hell, my body must be all screwed up. And I’ve honestly never heard of a living, breathing human going to Hell and making it back alive.
“Do you need to talk about it… about what happened?” Phenex asks tentatively. I understand now. This isn’t just a social call. He’s wearing his doctor hat.
I shake my head, but set my silverware down and say, “There were things that…happened. Things that made me physically sick. Yet, I did nothing to stop them. I couldn’t. And sometimes…sometimes…”
Phenex rests a warm hand on top of mine. “It’s ok. Whatever you say stays between us.”
I take a deep, resigning breath, exhaling a week’s worth of shame. “Sometimes I don’t think I wanted to stop it. The people he punished…some of them deserved it. I know that makes me a monster,” I bluster, “and I know I’m no better than he is but—”
“That doesn’t make you a monster, Eden,” Phenex interjects vehemently, squeezing my good hand. “It makes you human. And the thing that makes you absolutely nothing like Lucifer is the fact that you feel remorse, where he feels nothing.”
“Is that true? That he feels nothing?”
“I can’t believe that someone who has done the things he’s done without an ounce of regret has the capacity to feel any emotion that is not self-serving.”
Maybe he’s right—he’d know Lucifer better than I would, that’s for damn sure. But it kinda stings that everything Lucifer told me is most likely a lie. Saying he cared about me, telling me he wanted me to be empowered, looking at me like I was the only one in the room that existed in those eyes shaded in nightfall…it could have all been a ruse. I mean, of course it was. He’s one of the most powerful creatures in existence, and I’m just a girl from the South Side. I’d be a fool to think he could see anything more than that.
Kinda like with Legion.
So yeah, I totally believe that they both ha
ve their own agendas when it comes to me. I just have to trust that one’s intentions are more honorable than the other’s.
I flex my fingers, grimacing through the soreness in my knuckles. Phenex immediately grabs the icepack and gingerly places it on the back of my hand.
“You know…,” I begin, feigning interest in my white, linen napkin. “There is one thing I wanted to ask you.”
“Ask me anything.”
“And this stays between us?”
“Doctor-patient confidentiality,” he smiles, motioning between us. “You have my word.”
I take a giant gulp of ice water before continuing, wishing it was vodka. “I just wanted to know how it works—I mean—how does conception happen?”
Phenex lifts a dark brow. “Well, Eden, when two consensual adults decide to come together and express themselves—”
“No, no!” I shake my head, struggling not to laugh. Phenex trying to explain the birds and the bees to me? Oh God, that ship has long sailed. “I meant, how does conception work between a human and…a not human? Like something from another world.”
“Something like…a demon?”
“Yes,” I answer, feeling my face warm. Just put me out of my misery, for fuck’s sake! “Or…other.”
“Hmmm,” Phenex muses. At least he has the decency not to give me judgey eyes. “Halflings—both of demon and angel parentage—are very rare, and very coveted. It would happen much like human conception, yet the mother would have to be very strong to carry to term. It’s not uncommon for the mother to die in childbirth.”
I swallow. “And the length of said pregnancy…would it be nine months? Or shorter? Longer?”
“About five months, shorter for the most powerful. The human body cannot withstand that level of strain. The baby would literally drain the mother of all her strength.”
Another gulp. “And how would one detect a pregnancy? Would an EPT suffice? Or some supernatural pee stick?”
His voice is level and calm, but he has to be freaking out inside. “A blood test would be best, though I suspect the mother would be showing about two weeks to a month along.”
Two weeks? How long has it been since the Watcher’s party? Shit, I don’t even know what day it is.
Finally, Phenex takes the cold compress from my knuckles and takes both my hands in his, looking me square in the eye. “What’s this all about, Eden? Do you suspect that you’re pregnant?”
Oh shit, I knew this was a bad idea. But I had no one else to ask. Still, he can’t know about what went down in that bathroom with Lucifer. I’m not sure if he was there or it was just an illusion, but it sure as hell felt real.
Suddenly, the food I had just so happily scarfed down feels like lead in my gut, and a wave of nausea comes over me. I swallow down the saliva collecting in my mouth and press my lips together to keep myself from hurling.
“Are you alright?” Phenex questions, taking in my alarmed expression. I don’t doubt that I’m looking a little green as well.
“Yeah, just tired,” I lie. “You mind if we stick a pin in this for another time? I’d really like to get a hot shower and turn in.”
“Of course. My apologies for holding you.” He quickly collects the dishes after giving my hand a once-over, noting a bit of bruising. “This’ll heal rather quickly. In the meantime, if there is anything I can do to accommodate your other medical needs, my door is always open.” And with that, he kisses me on the forehead and bids me goodnight. Or good day. I’m not sure what time it is, and the overcast, dark clouds outside the iron-barred windows are no help.
Luckily, the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach passes after a few swallows of water, and I can bypass the porcelain throne and head straight to the shower. After almost a week of being pampered by Saskia, bathing myself seems a bit like a novelty. I’ll be forever grateful for her quiet kindness. And a big part of me wonders what will happen to her down there. Will she be blamed for my escape? Will Lucifer further punish her for not watching me? Or will she turn over every ounce of information about me to spare her own life?
I suck in a breath, tasting frustrated tears in the water spraying from above my head. Now that the shock is wearing off, I feel like I’m being buried, brick by brick, under the weight of my tragic reality. I was in Hell. Hell. I was wined and dined by the Devil himself while live snuff played out over luscious desserts. I reprised the role of mindless whore, prancing around in garish clothing and clown makeup, in order to keep him agreeable. And at the end of it all, I felt something. Not hate like I had at the beginning. Not fear either. I felt something in that ballroom as he twirled and dipped me to our very own symphony. I don’t know what it was, but I have to forget it. I have to pretend like it never happened if I want any chance—any chance at all—to repair things with Legion.
If that’s even what he wants.
If that’s even what I want.
What’s happened to me?
Where did I go? Why do I feel like a stranger in my own skin?
I can’t think here. And if I stand any chance at reviving that girl—that version of myself that died in that cold, damp concrete room—maybe…maybe I can’t be here.
I stay in the shower until the water runs cold. Or maybe I just think it does. And when I wipe my palm across the fogged glass of the mirror, the girl that stares back is completely unrecognizable to me. Gaunt brown eyes, pale skin, drawn shoulders. I’ve been defeated. I let myself become a victim, and now look what’s happened. And I only have myself to blame.
I know what I have to do. Even if it will feel like breaking every bone in my body to do it.
I find him standing at the window when I enter the bedroom, gazing out into the starless black night. He doesn’t turn around, but I know he feels my presence. We’re connected in that way. Our bodies are two halves of a whole, and every second we’ve spent apart has made that magnetic draw to one another that much stronger. I physically ache for him. I can feel his influence down in my bones, throbbing with delicious agony that causes me to tremble on bare feet.
“You’ve been gone too long,” he says without turning around.
“I’m sorry,” I manage to respond. Words…thoughts…they’re hard to string together when he’s near.
“Why? Why did you do it? Why did you leave me?” There’s hurt in his voice, and every word cuts into me like a razor blade.
“I didn’t think you would care.”
He turns to me now, his ethereal beauty screwed into an expression of shock and pain. “How would you not know that? After I told you…I told you how I felt. I bleed for you, Eden. Look at me,” he demands, celestial eyes wild with betrayal. “This isn’t who I am; this isn’t who I was meant to be. You’re changing me. Since the day you came charging into my life, you have changed me. Don’t you see that?”
“I do. You know I do.” Seeing him like this…so open, so vulnerable…it unravels me. The wall I had built around myself in an attempt to protect my battered heart starts to crumble at his feet.
“You don’t. Not really. Not enough to make you stay with me.”
“You knew I couldn’t stay. We’re too different—from two different worlds. I would never be able to fit into yours, and you could never even attempt to fit into mine. That doesn’t change the way I feel about you—about us. It’s just how it has to be.”
He shakes his head. “No. I don’t accept that. And if you would stop lying to yourself, you would see that you don’t accept that either.” He stalks over to where I stand, filling the distance between us with his smoldering fire. “Tell me you don’t want me. Tell me you didn’t feel something—something truly extraordinary—between us in the time we spent together. I know it wasn’t always good, but it was real. It was fate, Eden. Our fate.”
“Maybe that isn’t enough,” I whisper.
“But isn’t it?” he utters, stirring the rogue curls dangling from my damp, messy bun. “Aren’t I enough for you? Haven’t I proved time and time again that I will
always fight for you? That I will stop at nothing to be with you?”
“Yes,” I breathe without thought.
“Then stop all this. Let me in. Don’t fight this anymore. Not when you want it so badly.”
I gasp and my eyes flutter shut when I feel him dip his head down to run his lips along my jaw. Whenever he touches me, I swear I feel the brush of angel’s wings all over my body. That part of his past still exists somewhere deep inside him, even if he doesn’t believe it. But I’ve seen it—I’ve felt it. If there is a God, He still lives within him.
“Just let me try, Eden,” he murmurs against my throat, igniting goosebumps all over my skin. “Just give me a chance to show you that I can love you.”
“Yes,” I moan up to the heavens. “Yes, Lucifer.”
I fight my way to the surface of consciousness, my fists full of silk sheets. I don’t hear screaming, but my throat hurts, as if I’ve been choking on air. There’s heat around me, heat that slices into my skin and shatters the dream—no, the nightmare—that had held me hostage with silver chains dipped in angel venom.
“You’re ok, Eden. I’ve got you. You’re safe,” Legion murmurs, holding me close to his warm, bare chest. He’s hotter than I remember. It almost burns me. Or maybe I had just forgotten what this feels like.
“You,” I croak. “It’s you.”
“Of course, it’s me. I’m not going anywhere.”
I know I shouldn’t, I know that I’m playing with fire, but I wrap my body around his, desperate for the comfort of his heat. He holds me so tight that his fingers feel like daggers digging into my pliant flesh. I don’t care. I need him closer. Harder. Hotter. I need him to burn away memories of Lucifer with his touch. I need him to make me forget the last six days, or six hours. I need him to make me forget my own name.
I find his lips in the dim lighting and drink in the longing dripping from his tongue, letting it nourish my emaciated soul. I wish he could smother me with that intensity. Drown me in his need so I can no longer think—can no longer feel. I’d rather be numb than confront this…this confusion, this self-hatred. And I know it’s wrong. I know it’s fucking disgusting to steal his kisses and lie to his fingers, but I need him to make me remember. Make me remember what it was like before I left. Before I tumbled down into darkness and lost myself. If I remember him, maybe I can remember me.
End of Eden (Se7en Sinners Book 2) Page 11