by S. H. Kolee
“Lola,” I called. She came bounding off the couch and skidded to a halt in front of me, her tail wagging happily and her tongue hanging out. I scratched her between her ears. “Silly dog.”
I didn’t bother with an umbrella since the rain was so light. It felt good to be outside after being cooped up inside all day. The rain actually felt refreshing and I found myself smiling as I watched Lola sniff a flowerbed as if it held the answers to the mysteries of the world. It apparently met her approval, and she crouched down to relieve herself.
The past five months had been amazing in some ways and difficult in others. Going through Kristina’s trial had been painful, since I had to testify. As angry and disgusted I was at her for trying to ruin our lives, she had been a pitiful sight in the courtroom. She had lost a lot of weight, and her eyes were glazed and dull. It was like she had sunk into herself and was only a shell of the person she used to be. She didn’t seem fazed at all by Mack’s death, even though she had been partially responsible for it. She had stared at Logan during the entire trial, even calling out to him a few times, but he just ignored her. I was relieved when the jury came back with a guilty verdict for attempted murder, rejecting her insanity plea. She was given a life sentence, although she would be eligible for parole after twenty years. I tried not to focus on the possibility of her release.
I pushed aside the dismal thought as Lola pulled on the leash, eager to sniff everything in her path. We took a leisurely walk in the cool April weather, until I realized that it had turned from a light drizzle to a more steady rain. We walked quickly back to my apartment where I dried Lola with a towel before changing into dry clothes.
I checked my phone and saw I had missed a text from Logan while walking the dog.
Leaving work now. Will be over soon. Love you.
It was such a simple thing. A text from your partner telling you he was leaving work and that he loved you. But I treasured it, because all of the past turmoil had taught me that there weren’t any guarantees in life. I wanted to embrace every beautiful second of it, because I didn’t know what would happen in the next minute, let alone the rest of my life.
My phone rang and I picked it up with a smile on my face.
“Hey! How are you?”
“The question is, how are you?” Emily said. “Just one more week until your wedding!”
“I can’t believe it,” I admitted, feeling giddy by the mention of it. “It came quicker than I thought it would.”
Planning a wedding in five months had been no small feat, but with help from Emily and Logan’s mom and lots of caffeine, we had somehow pulled it off. Exactly one week and one day from now, I would become Mrs. Logan Delaney.
“I still can’t believe you didn’t want a bachelorette party,” Emily said grumpily. “I live for bachelorette parties. Especially if they’re in Vegas.”
I laughed at her disgruntled tone. “I promise we’ll go to Vegas for your bachelorette party.”
Emily snorted in disbelief. “I don’t think Vegas will be as much fun when we’re in walkers, which we’ll probably be using by the time I ever get married.”
“Oh, please,” I said dismissively. “You have plenty of fawning admirers to choose from. You’re just determined to be a career woman and take over the world.”
“That’s true,” Emily said, laughing. We talked for a while about the wedding, as well as Emily’s life in New York. By the time we got off the phone, I heard the key turning in the front door.
Lola ran to the door, her tail wagging. “Hey, girl,” Logan said, reaching down to scratch her head. He looked up at me and smiled, and for the millionth time, I told myself I was the luckiest girl in the world. It didn’t matter that he still hadn’t regained his memory. Amazingly, his love for me was constant, despite not remembering our past.
“Hi,” he said, dropping a kiss on my mouth before taking his jacket off. “I missed you.”
I smiled at him. “We’ve only been apart for nine hours.”
Logan raised an eyebrow. “Only? That’s nine hours too long.”
I rolled my eyes at his cheesy line, but it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I watched as he took off his tie, his shirt stretching across his wide chest as he lifted his arms. I wondered if it would always be like this between us. That I would see him and instantly want to jump his bones. Luckily, I had a lifetime to find out.
“What do you want to do for dinner,” he asked, oblivious to the fact that I was drooling over him.
“Want to be really bad and eat a big plate of nachos?” I asked, knowing he would never refuse the suggestion. “I know I should be worried about fitting into my wedding dress next week, but the call of chips smothered in cheese and sour cream is just too tempting.”
“If your body is the result of too many nachos, I think you’ve found the next fad diet. Eat nachos all day long and have a body that any man would want to fuck.” Logan raised an eyebrow. “Of course, I’m the only one that’ll ever be inside you again.”
I blushed at his comment, but waved him away. “Hurry up and change so I can do my part in keeping my bangin’ body,” I joked.
After Logan had changed and we had given Lola her dinner, we went to the Half Pitcher. It was crowded, which was the norm for a Friday night, but luckily we were able to snag a table. I leaned back in my chair after we had ordered the nachos and gotten our beers. Life was so good right now, I was afraid to blink and miss any moment of it.
“Anything interesting happen today?” Logan asked as he took a swig of his beer.
“Not really. I was chained to the computer most of the day,” I said. “I did talk to Emily. She’s pretty excited about next Saturday.”
“Hey, I’m pretty excited about next Saturday too, considering I’m the groom.”
“I know,” I said, smiling. “It’s just the first time she’ll be back in Chicago since she moved. It’ll be nice having her back.”
“Do you know if Cassie’s parents are coming?”
I sighed. Mrs. Brooks had been making progress, but it had been very slow and steady up until about a month ago. She had made a breakthrough in admitting that Cassie was dead and never coming back. I hadn’t visited her since she had been committed because Mr. Brooks thought it best, but I had invited them both to the wedding.
I shook my head. “Mr. Brooks still hasn’t said anything about the wedding and the RSVP date passed a while ago. I just never felt comfortable bringing it up during our phone calls. I think it’s safe to assume that they won’t be there.” I took a sip of my beer. “I really didn’t think they would come, anyway. It just didn’t feel right, not inviting them.”
“Do you think the date has anything to do with them not responding?”
Friday was the anniversary of Cassie’s death, and I had hesitated in choosing a wedding date just a day after that date. But it was the only day available at the church where we wanted to get married for the next two years. I had come to terms with it, telling myself that Cassie would always be with me in spirit, and dates didn’t matter.
“I hope not,” I finally replied. “I can understand that it would be kind of jarring to see that we’re getting married the day after the anniversary of her death, but I don’t want that one day to rule my life. I’d rather celebrate the happy days, like her birthday. It’s this Monday.”
Logan reached across the table and took my hand. “Do you want to do anything for it?”
“I’ve been thinking about it, and I know it sounds kind of crazy, but I want to go to the amusement park where we spent her last birthday together.” I pressed my lips together. “We were so happy that day.” I frowned as I thought about my statement. “Actually, I wanted to be happy that day, but I was too guilt-ridden to enjoy it. I want to go this year and just let loose and have fun, the way I would have if I had known it would be our last moments together.” I looked at Logan. “Does that sound crazy?”
“Of course not,” he said, squeezing my hand. “We’ll go.”
“What about your work?”
“Screw work. Sometimes there are more important things than work.”
Before I could express my gratitude, the waitress came over with our nachos. We dug in, and for the rest of the night we kept the topics light, but my mind kept straying to Cassie. I knew in my heart that she would be happy for me on my wedding day. I just hoped her parents understood.
The weekend flew by, and Monday was upon us before I knew it. We made the long drive to Michigan, and I was relieved when we finally made it to the amusement park. It was a perfect day, with blue skies and a warm breeze. Logan and I walked around the park, holding hands and just enjoying the day. We rode on almost every ride and ate way too much junk food. I saved one ride for last. The one Cassie and I had ridden on, both in reality and in my dreams.
Logan and I got into a rollercoaster car and I squeezed his hand. “Are you okay?” he asked me, looking concerned.
I nodded my head. “Yes, I just feel…I don’t know how to describe it. I feel so sad and so happy at the same time.” I took a deep breath. “I just feel so close to Cassie here. I miss her so much.”
“From everything you’ve told me, she sounds like an amazing person.”
I was used to Logan not remembering Cassie by now, but it made me realize that I was alone in my grief for her. I was lucky that the guilt no longer weighed me down. Cassie was indeed an amazing person, because her presence in my dream had been the catalyst for allowing me to forgive myself.
The ride started and my stomach clenched. It was as if I was reliving the past. When we went down the first hill, I screamed my heart out, and suddenly Cassie was with me. We were flying through the air, the wind whipping our hair around our faces as we laughed, feeling free and alive. I knew she wasn’t actually sitting next to me, but in my heart, I knew she was with me.
The ride ended all too soon. “Do you want to ride it again?” Logan asked, seeing the disappointment on my face when the ride came to a stop.
I shook my head. “No, once is enough.” I gave him a small smile. “There’s always next year.”
We made the long drive home afterwards, and I debated whether I should call Mr. Brooks. It had been about a month since we had last spoken, when he had updated me on Mrs. Brooks’ breakthrough. In the end, I decided to call him. I knew the only reason I was hesitating was because I was afraid the topic of my wedding would come up, and I didn’t know what to say to him about it. I waited to get back to Logan’s place before making the call.
My stomach was in knots while I listened to his phone ring. I half-expected it to go to voicemail, but then he picked up.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Mr. Brooks, it’s Madison. How are you?”
I wanted to kick myself after I asked that question. How would anyone be on the birthday of a daughter they had lost? To his credit, Mr. Brooks didn’t seem put off by the question.
“I’m doing okay. I’m actually at the hospital with Judith now.”
“I just wanted to call, since it’s Cassie’s birthday,” I explained. “How is Mrs. Brooks handling it?
“She’s doing well. Do you want to talk to her?”
I swallowed hard. He had never suggested that before. “Does she want to talk to me?”
“Yes, I think she’ll be happy to hear your voice. She’s just been improving more and more since the last time I spoke to you.”
I was apprehensive about talking to her, because I was afraid that I would say the wrong thing. But I told myself I needed to be strong. Cassie would want me to be there for her parents. “Yes, I would love to talk to her.”
I heard Mr. Brooks talk to his wife, but I didn’t know what he was saying because it was muffled. It was a few moments before she got on the phone.
“Hello, Madison?”
“Hi, Mrs. Brooks. It’s so good to get a chance to talk to you.”
“You don’t know how happy it makes me to hear from you. It’s been so long.”
Mrs. Brooks sounded clear-headed and strong. Hope bloomed in my chest.
“I know. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to visit.”
“It’s okay, dear,” Mrs. Brooks said reassuringly. She hesitated before continuing. “I just wanted to apologize for everything I put you through. It must have been frightening for you.”
“There’s nothing to apologize for,” I said, tears rolling down my face. “You’ve been there for me when I needed you the most. You’ve been through so much pain. I’m sorry that I haven’t been there for you.”
Mrs. Brooks sighed. “There’s only so much you can do when someone refuses to face the truth. I miss Cassie so much, but I know she would be unhappy with the way I’ve been denying her death.” Her tone lightened. “Charles and I have been reminiscing all day about Cassie since it’s her birthday. There are so many happy memories of her. I want to focus on that.”
“I’m so happy to hear you’re doing so well. I can’t begin to imagine how these past few years have been for you.”
“On the bright side, I’m so looking forward to coming to your wedding,” Mrs. Brooks said.
“You’re coming?” I asked, surprised. I continued hastily, “I would love to have you there. I just didn’t realize you were coming.”
“I told Charles to send the RSVP.” Mrs. Brooks made a disgusted noise. “Men. They think RSVPs are optional.”
I wanted to laugh at how normal she sounded. There was nothing more I could hope for at my wedding than Mrs. Brooks there, happy and healthy.
“Well, consider this your RSVP then,” I said. “I’m so looking forward to seeing you.” I hesitated. I didn’t know if I should address the two things that were weighing on me, but I decided I needed to be honest as possible. “Are you okay with Logan and I getting married? I know it’s hard not to think of him as Cassie’s boyfriend.”
“We all have to move on, dear,” Mrs. Brooks said softly. “I’ve learned that the hard way. I love you, Madison. I just want you to be happy. If Logan makes you happy, that’s all I need. I know Cassie would feel the same way.”
I wanted to weep with gratitude. I didn’t deserve her graciousness but I was grateful for it. I still needed to address the other issue.
“I didn’t purposely pick the day after the anniversary of her death for our wedding,” I explained in a rush. “It was the only date possible at the church, because we had so little time to plan the wedding. I really debated whether it was the right thing to do, but the deciding factor was thinking about what Cassie would say. And I’m pretty sure she’d say, go for it.”
“I agree,” Mrs. Brooks said. “It’s a hard day to relive every year. Maybe having a happy occasion to celebrate will make it easier.”
I smiled through my tears. “Hearing you say that means so much to me. You’ve been so good to me throughout my whole life. I was so afraid that it would upset you.”
“Of course not,” she said reassuringly. “I’m happy for you, Madison.”
The conversation was going so well that I didn’t know if I should broach the next topic, but I decided there was no reason to hold back now.
“I’m planning on going to Cassie’s grave on Friday.” I paused before continuing. “I just wanted to let you know.”
“Will you say a prayer for me?” Mrs. Brooks asked. “I don’t think I’m strong enough to go to her burial site yet. I know she’s no longer here, but I think seeing the physical evidence may be a little too overwhelming.”
“Of course,” I said. “And I completely understand. I just wanted to let you know.”
Mrs. Brooks and I talked for a few more minutes and then ended the call. Logan came over to give me a hug.
“I take it that it was a good talk?” he asked. I nodded, tears still streaming down my face. They were happy tears. I was so grateful for everything I was being graced with. I promised myself I would never take anyone in my life for granted again.
I told Logan about our conversation while he held me, an
d then we spent the rest of the night cuddled in the living room. I told him stories about Cassie and me growing up, since they were all new to him. It was a night where I honored all the amazing things Cassie had been, and celebrated the impact she would forever have on my life. When I went to bed, I said a small prayer for her, wishing her peace and happiness wherever she was. My last thought before I drifted off to sleep was to tell her I loved her.
The week flew by since I was so busy with last minute wedding preparations. Before I knew it, Friday was upon us. It was a day I usually dreaded, but this year the anniversary of Cassie’s death didn’t have the power to push me into a depression. It wasn’t just because things were going well in my life and I was about to get married to the man I loved, although those things helped. The real reason was because I could feel Cassie’s approval. I felt her presence more now than I ever had since she had died. Without the guilt and self-hatred clouding my mind and heart, there was nothing to block my connection to her.
It was overcast on Friday, and I hoped it wouldn’t rain. Logan and I made the drive out to Laurenston, since Cassie was buried at a site in our hometown. The wind whipped my hair in my face when I stepped out of the car, obscuring my view. I pushed my hair away and turned to Logan, who put his arm around me.
“Are you ready for this?” he asked gently
“I’m ready,” I said, although I was a little nervous. I had visited Cassie’s grave many times over the years, but it had been a while since my last visit. And never with Logan.
We walked through the neatly manicured burial grounds until we got to Cassie’s headstone. Even though it was a familiar site, seeing her name carved in the stone, with the dates of her life, made my stomach clench. No matter how at peace I was with her death, I would never stop missing her, and wishing she was here with me.
I saw that there were already multiple bouquets by her headstone, and I added my white lilies to the group. I kneeled down in front of her grave, the dampness of the ground soaking through my jeans. Logan stood behind me, giving me my space.