by Kelly Ethan
“Elspeth doesn’t do subtle.” Lila rolled her eyes at her grandmother’s antics. “You should have realized that when you saw her name bedazzled on the back of the cape.”
Xandie muttered under a breath, “Someone needs to kill that bedazzler permanently.”
“Can’t.” Holly shook her head. “She enchanted it. Any time someone other than Elspeth touches it, the damn thing screams blue murder. We’ve given up sabotage attempts.”
Elspeth sidled up to a crony and offered her the flask. The fluorescent pink-haired octogenarian glanced around and then chugged a healthy portion of the liquid before passing it back. The women cackled together and slunk off to hunt down more cronies for their coven of bright-haired flask drinkers.
Priss shook her head in amazement. “I can honestly see Elspeth taking over a small country and establishing her own dictatorship based on the religion of hip flask drinking.”
“I think she did that when she was young already.” Lila hooked arms with Priss and casually ambled around the crowded side lawn of the Elysian Fields Funeral Home.
Grecian columns, white stone and marble covered the funeral home. “It looks like a Greek temple,” Xandie whispered to Holly as they moved around other funeral goers.
“It was founded by a Greek guy called Charon. Now his descendants run the place. Hector and Hillary are brother and sister and both necromancers. I’ve learned a lot from them.” Holly smiled slightly and patted a column. “The place grows on you.”
Xandie hid the shiver that ran along her spine. A funeral home wasn’t a place she’d ever get used to. But with Holly being part banshee, death was a normal event for her. “Have we spotted Marjorie yet?”
Priss dropped back to Xandie and Holly and pointed at the altar of wood built to house the body of Archibald atop it. “Archibald’s mom arrived earlier. She’s standing with Marjorie near where Archibald is laid out.”
A curvy, silver-haired blonde, fashion plate in a dark magenta pantsuit, stood near the Penne family matriarch, shaking hands with a funeral guest.
“Apparently the dragons burn their fallen on a wood platform. The head of the family uses her flames to set it on fire. Sort of like a Viking burial, I guess.” Priss shrugged, pretending her non-interest.
“Marjorie looks like an iron maiden.” Lila walked up and snuggled between Holly and Xandie. “Dark gray pantsuit. Check. Every strand of her silver bob in place. Check. Make up. Check. Requisite scowl. Check. Check. Check.”
Xandie fought the urge to stand up for the grieving grandmother. “She just lost her grandson. Murdered. I can’t imagine she’d be happy to socialize.”
“My grandmother hates socializing at any time, but she loves a good game of poker. Elspeth’s a regular visitor to the compound.” Es Penne popped up, without warning, next to Xandie.
“Figures. Elspeth loves fleecing rich people.” Holly snorted.
Xandie smiled at the idea of Elspeth fleecing a dragon.
“Not much fleecing going on. I think they just love gossiping about everyone,” Es whispered to Xandie. “I couldn’t find that cup or cauldron thing you told me about. But there are plenty of things in Gran’s hoard that don’t belong to us. What do we do?” Es looked worried for her gran as she fiddled with the flounces of the high-neck black Victorian blouse she’d paired with tight black pants and chunky combat boots.
“Just keep an eye out for Marjorie. The police still haven’t found Iris yet. Maybe everything will be fine,” Xandie offered hopefully.
“There’s a locked door in the hoard room. I couldn’t get into it. I’ll pick the lock after the funeral and have a look.” Es raised a hand to her grandmother and drifted off in her family’s direction.
“She seems to be coping okay.” Priss nodded in the direction of the teenager.
Lila agreed. “I don’t think they were close. Archibald was a lot like his mother, Belle. Always looking for the next big payout. There wasn’t much love lost between him and Es. She’s a teenager and he couldn’t see any way to use her yet. At least that’s the impression she gave me.”
Xandie watched the way Es hovered over her grandmother and ignored her aunt. “No love lost there either. I’d have thought Adelind and Ronald would be here socializing up a storm.”
Holly casually pointed to the left of the funeral home. Adelind and Ronald, not a hair out of place after the rat attack, having a heated exchange.
“Love to be a fly on the wall of that conversation.” Xandie would have traded Theo to hear what the couple argued about. Adelind finished talking and flicked her husband’s hand off her arm before storming elegantly off to stand with her family. Ronald adjusted his dove gray tie and disappeared off to the car park.
“Now where is he heading off to?” Xandie’s musings were caught short as Marjorie Penne stepped forward and held up a hand for quiet.
“Thank you to everyone, both Point Muse residents and others, for attending today to celebrate Archibald Henry Penne’s life and death.” Marjorie paused for a moment, her stone facade crumbled at the edges. She pulled herself together and continued, “Our clan has specific cultural requirements for a funeral that will be carried out in private later. Please join us in honoring our clan member with respect and compassion. Of course, refreshments will also be offered at Penne house afterward.” Marjorie stopped speaking as Adelind whispered into her ear. She cleared her throat and continued, “Limited refreshments. Thank you.” The Penne clan stepped back toward the wood bier holding Archibald’s body.
The throng of mourners surged forward. Gathered around Archibald. Xandie and the girls were swept up with everybody else.
“Holly, what does the Cauldron of Dagda look like?” Lila frowned, peering out at Archibald.
“I told you. Round, rusty, raises the dead.” Holly rolled her eyes.
“You mean the same rusty round thing that’s currently clutched in Archibald’s dead moving hands?”
“What?” Holly squeaked the word and shook her head mumbling. “No. No. Not happening. Dead is dead.” Holly rocked back and forth on her feet, hands over her eyes.
Xandie pulled Holly’s hands away from her face. “Not the time to close your eyes, Holly. When the crowd realizes what’s happening, there will be a stampede.”
Sightless, silver eyes met Xandie’s stare. Holly’s banshee genes had activated in the middle of a funeral. “The dead will drink from the un-dry cauldron. Sipping on life while devouring the flesh.” Holly intoned the words before shrieking loudly.
Mourners around them moved away from Holly when they heard the shriek. Banshees had appeared in Point Muse before, just never in the middle of a funeral for a murdered dragon.
Lila rubbed her cousin’s back. “Holly, you okay?”
Holly grimaced. “Yeah, that hasn’t happened before. Normally I see people dying, not have full-on speaking visions.”
“Who’s a good death girl.” Elspeth hung an arm around Holly’s neck and squeezed her in a one-arm hug. “I knew the Harrow blood would come through that wimpy banshee stuff. Proud of you. Have a drink.”
Elspeth shoved the hip flask at Holly.
Surprised, Holly took a sip and stared shocked at Elspeth. “That isn’t witchshine? That’s iced tea.”
Elspeth snatched the flask back. “Quiet, you’ll ruin the cred. Besides, do you really think I’d drink while on protection duty?”
“What cred, Elspeth? The crazy, chaotic, moonshine-guzzling hex-making grandmother Harrow we all know and love? Kind of.” Lila grabbed the flask, took her own swig.
“Yeah, that cred,” Elspeth growled and took the flask back, hiding it in her sagging cleavage. She twitched the pink velvet cloak back over her head. “Now, where’s the waking dead guy?”
Xandie gestured to the front where the crowd had now backed away from Archibald’s twitching body. “We think he has the Cauldron of Dagda. Holly told us it had disappeared from the necromancers who owned it.”
Elspeth hitched up her pants
and dragged out something that had been hidden underneath her cloak. She threw bottles filled with salt at her granddaughters. “Arm up, girlies. We’re going into battle.” Elspeth cracked her knuckles.
Holly grinned. “Of course, salt. Salt purifies the living and the dead and it breaks the connection to the cauldron. You’re amazing, Gran.” Holly hugged Elspeth tight.
“Harrow blood will out, sweet pea. That’s the Harrow vision you had.” Elspeth patted Holly on the back and extricated herself from the hug. “Now let’s kill dead people.”
“Elspeth? There’s only Archibald. We don’t need all these bottles of salt for just him.” Xandie held out her bottle.
Cackling, Elspeth pointed over Xandie’s shoulder at the group of dead people currently shambling toward the funeral bier. Mourners finally noticed and screams rang out around the grassy area. People scattered in every direction. Elspeth took off toward the group of walking dead, yelling over a shoulder, “Get the cauldron off Archibald and salt it.” Elspeth backed up and then sped off at a pace belying her age.
Xandie watched her octogenarian grandmother take a ninja leap into a gaggle of the walking dead.
“Geronimo.”
Ten
Xandie ducked between mourners as she raced for a dead man who stopped to terrorize Es Penne. Xandie readied her salt bottle for a swing but dropped it as Es flamed the corpse. She lifted her salt-water bottle again when he continued to stumble toward the dragon teenager. Xandie squealed and flung the contents at the living-compromised man. The salt stuck and burned deeper than the dragon flames had.
The older man wobbled for a moment and then collapsed in a smoking pile at Es Penne’s feet. She stared at the figure. “In the movies when zombies get set on fire, they die. I guess real life isn’t like a TV show.” Es took off at a run toward her family.
“Sometimes I wonder about Point Muse. A secret reality TV show would explain so much about this town.” Xandie surveyed the battleground. Most of the mourners had fled and the Braun family had enclosed the funeral home with barricades and salt. The owners of Elysian Fields were necromancers and were on the roof of the main building chanting. But they’d had little luck in controlling the dead so far. The cauldron controlled the dead and until they salted it, the undead residents of Point Muse were funeral crashers.
“Xandie,” Priss yelled and waved her over to the side of the building. “We took down half a dozen zombies, but they keep coming.”
“When it’s a cemetery, I guess they have the numbers. Is everyone okay?”
“Yeah, they’re slow so we can avoid them. Most people left, except the necromancers, the dragons and us. And the police are staying next to the barricades.” Priss open and closed a hand. “I wish I had my sword.”
Xandie shuddered. “Wouldn’t help. Then there’d be pieces still trying to eat us.” She pointed to stray body parts moving on the grass. “Salt is the only thing that works. We need to salt the cauldron.”
Priss nodded. “Right. Any idea where it is?”
“The last time I saw it, Archibald had it. So, wherever he is?” Xandie peered past the building. The Harrows had split up and were salting in different areas. Marjorie, Es and Belle Penne were in one corner near the barricades, using flames to keep the walkers back from the car park. Ronald and Adelind holed up next to Archibald’s bier.
Elspeth shrieked as she ran past, “Aieeee.” She leaped onto the back of a walker and salted the man’s head before shifting onto another body. “I see you, Marjorie Thistle. Don’t think I don’t know you stole my hair-loss recipe. I’m coming for you.” Elspeth sang the last word and took off running, her late nemesis in her salt-killing sights.
Xandie sighed. “Elspeth’s enjoying this way too much for a calm peace-loving Harrow witch.”
“I got news for you. I don’t think any of the Harrows are calm.” Priss pointed to Xandie’s cousins flinging salt along with obscenities at the dead walking.
“I guess peace is overrated when you’re trying to stop a mob of dead party crashers.” Xandie pushed away from the building. “Come on, we have to find the cauldron.” She figured zombie Archibald would stick to his family, his mom. All they had to do…
Priss interrupted Xandie’s battle plan. “Look. Is that him?”
A lone figure shambled its way toward Adelind and Ronald Penne as they hid behind the wooden bier. The cauldron hung loose from the dead man’s hand.
Xandie and Priss took off running, dodging any animated flesh that came their way.
Adelind screeched and flamed at Archibald. But he still mindlessly walked toward them. Moving away from Ronald, the dragon readied herself to transform, but Archibald only focused on Ronald.
“I thought he’d want to be with his mother. Why focus on his uncle?” Priss yelled at Xandie as they bolted toward the dragons.
“I have no clue. Whatever the reason, we need to get that cauldron.”
Xandie sped up, puffing. She gasped words out between gulps of air, “I need to stop eating Lila’s butter puffs.” As she ran closer, Xandie heard Ronald yelling at Archibald.
“No, no. Not now. Stay back, Archibald.” He produced a flame, but it weakened and sputtered before dying out.
Archibald focused on Ronald. A noise above Ronald’s head drew Xandie’s gaze. Elspeth crawled commando style across Archibald’s supposedly last resting place. Xandie grabbed Priss by the arm, pulling her to the side and out of range.
Ronald noticed and ranted at Xandie and Priss. “The great librarian and a dragon slayer afraid of a dead dragon?” He scoffed and his face distorted as he continued to screech at them. “Help me. I’m a Penne, you have to help me.”
Archibald’s bland face rippled as he listened to Ronald’s voice. His face jumped from non-responsive to enraged. He lunged at Ronald, but it looked like Elspeth would get there first.
With a cackle, she launched herself into the air and dropped. A heavy octogenarian smack-down, right on top of Archibald and Ronald.
Ronald squealed and crawled out from underneath her and scrambled away. Archibald tried to follow, but Elspeth held him down and sat on his back. Elspeth flipped open the lid of her salt bottle and grabbed the cauldron from Archibald’s loose grip. She whistled while she sprinkled salt onto the cauldron and swirled it around. Steam rose from the heated cauldron and over Archibald, spreading across the funeral home grounds.
Archibald shuddered and lay still, not a move made.
Xandie glanced around the cemetery. Bodies had dropped, unmoving.
Elspeth clambered off the now permanently dead dragon and rubbed her hands in glee. “Right oh. Dead people dealt with so who’s up for barbecue ribs? I’ve got an appetite.”
Holly sidled up to Xandie and gagged at Elspeth words. “I think she has witch dementia. There’s something wrong with her.”
Elspeth danced around the cauldron like a boxer winning a bout. “Ha ha. And you’re related to me. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, trust me.”
Priss froze next to Xandie. Distracted from Elspeth’s antics by the approach of the dragon matriarch, Priss elbowed Xandie in the ribs.
“Oomph. Please, you bruise me, you feed me.” Xandie shoved the elbow away and forced a smile on her face as Marjorie Penne approached them.
“Elspeth. I see it pays never to bet against the house,” Marjorie drawled, a twinkle in her eyes, lighting up her dour features.
“Especially the way you play, Marjorie Penne.” Elspeth took a swig of her flask.
“Give it a rest, old woman. The whole town knows most the time it’s filled with iced tea.”
“The key phrase is most of the time. Who knows when that time actually is?” Elspeth winked. “Always keep them guessing, Penne.”
Twin deputy brothers, Caleb and Riley Braun, strode over to the group.
Marjorie cataloged the Harrow girls, and glanced over Priss, then jerked her gaze back. A line formed on her forehead and she cocked her head to the side, staring at Priss. S
he opened and closed her mouth, puzzling over something. With a slow blink of heavy-lidded eyes, Marjorie Penne turned her attention to the police.
Xandie bit her lip. The brothers didn’t look happy. In fact, they both looked green around the edges and their sister, Melody, stood at the police cruiser, nibbling on a nail. Polish-mad Melody would never deface her manicured temple by a chipped or broken nail, let alone a nibbled one. Whatever was happening wasn’t good.
“Mrs. Marjorie Penne?” Caleb asked the dowager dragon.
Marjorie arched an eyebrow. “I’ve known both of you since were born, Caleb Braun. You know who I am.”
Caleb cleared his throat. He nodded to his twin brother, Riley, who produced a paper and read from it.
“Marjorie Penne, the Point Muse Police Department has a warrant to search your dragon hoard for multiple artifacts stolen from Point Muse residents. We have credible evidence that suggests they are at your residence. Officers have been dispatched already to execute said warrant. Here is your copy. Duly notarized by the parties involved. Thank you for your consideration and your cooperation.” Riley let out a huge breath and extended the paper with a shaky hand to the dragon.
Marjorie reached out a hand tipped with shining silver claws. She speared the paper and read it before answering. “Then I suppose you should do your job and I’ll be there to make sure they discharge their duty.” She bared her teeth and spun, taking Es with her.
Xandie watched as Adelind and Belle trailed behind Marjorie as she sailed toward the car park. Of Ronald Penne there was no sign.
The necromancer owners gestured to their gathered workers, including Holly, and started removing bodies.
The rest of the onlookers, the Harrows and Priss Makepeace, stared, shocked, at the police brothers.
“Are you crazy, Caleb Braun? Your mother will box your ears,” Lila scoffed at the twins.
Elspeth shook her frizzy lavender hair, disgusted. “Marjorie Penne is not so stupid to get caught by the fuzz. She’ll open a can of dragon whoop ass on you, boy. Say your shifter prayers. Your brother can wipe up the mess when he gets back.” Elspeth hoisted her velvet cape up and stormed away.