by S. Moose
“So we’re really doing this again, huh?”
“YOU DIDN’T TRUST US ENOUGH TO STAY.”
It’s the middle of the night when I wake up in a haze. I’m having the same dream again. Nicholas and I are at the apartment and I have my hand on the doorknob, ready to go. I look back and see his empty eyes. Neither of us are saying anything and I walk away, leaving my heart with his.
Rushing to the bathroom, I throw up and hug the toilet, resting my head on the seat. I’ve been trying to get a good night’s rest, but since leaving Wilmington each night, I have a battle with myself. My dreams all revolve around Nicholas and, when I wake up, I find myself in the bathroom, throwing up and hating myself. Why do I let him get to me? He’s not even around me, but just a single thought of Nicholas turns my world upside down. I can’t breathe when I think of him. I can’t see when I think of him. I want to scream and run back home and jump in his arms where I feel safe, but he’s so far away.
I hear his voice all the time. That night keeps playing in my head. Different moments pop up. It fucking kills me!
“Karly, promise me that you’ll never give up on us.”
I sobbed in his arms, holding him tight. “How can I promise you that when you’re throwing everything away?”
“Just trust me.”
“I did trust you, Nicholas. Now look where I am,” I mutter. The cold bathroom floor turns my body numb. I sit here for a while, not looking at anything, just sitting. There’s only one person I want right now, but that’s impossible. No matter where I am, you’ll be here with me. Next to me. Always.
“Are you here, Neil?” I ask, waiting for an answer I know I’ll never get. “I’m pretty stupid, huh? I should’ve gotten back with Bradley.” I keep talking, not really sure what I’m saying. The words come out of my mouth, but my mind isn’t registering what I’m saying. Fuck, I think I’m going crazy. “I know you can’t answer back, but a sign letting me know what’s gonna happen will be nice.” Lowering my head, “I thought you said you’d always be next to me.”
Slowly getting back up, I head back to bed. Listening to the outside noise, I try to fall asleep. But when I close my eyes, I see his face. I see his smile. I see his frown. I see his eyes shine and I see his dull eyes deep in sorrow. It’s the same look I see over and over.
I grab my phone from the nightstand and think about texting him. Deep down, I think I know what he’ll say. He’ll tell me to leave him alone. He’ll tell me to delete him from my life and move on just like he is doing now. We never had closure and there’s so much to talk about, but I’m scared. I don’t think I can handle a rejection from him again. Instead, I pull up my notes app and start typing my feelings.
“Do you think about me the way I think about you? I want you to know that even though we’re not together, I miss you and love you so much. I want you here with me and I hate that you’re with Jamie. What does she have that I don’t? Is it because she’s Emma’s mom? Her birth mom – because I’m Emma’s mom. I love that little girl and I wouldn’t have left, but you and Jamie left me no other choice. I’m here alone while you’re home with my friends and the life I want. The only life I know. I wish I could text you or call you. I wish you knew how broken I am. I’m not strong and, even if I try, I know I’ll fail. Looking at the night skies makes me think of you. I think about all the times we shared and the words you’d say to me. I think about how whenever you came home, my body would react and run to you.”
Run…
“That’s what I wanna do. I wanna run. I wanna get out of here. If I did, would you try and find me?”
I shut out of the app and put my phone under my pillow. I hug another pillow to myself, hoping Nicholas can feel my arms around him. He’s home. He’s the only one who can rescue me from the depths of my sorrow and pain.
Just Nicholas.
Hours pass and, before I know it, it’s morning. Quickly getting out of bed, I head outside and relax on the cool sand. This is the place that calms me. When I’m here, I think about Hawaii and the amazing days we spent together. Those are the memories I keep alive in my heart. No one can take them away. Jamie can take him and Emma, but she’ll never take away what we shared.
I wrap my arms around my knees and place my forehead down. Listening to the roaring waves brings me slight peace, but it doesn’t take away the pain. Smushing my feet in the sand, I see my life flash across the sky. So many times, I ask myself why and how, but there’s no answer. Before, when I felt lost, Nicholas helped me find myself again.
I know dwelling in my own pity party isn’t cute or good. Maybe this is what I want. I want to be sad about Nicholas because if I start to feel an ounce of happiness, that means I’m letting him go and I don’t want to. I never want to let him go.
Slowly getting up and wiping the sand off my butt, I turn around and walk along the shoreline, my bare feet touching the warm ocean and enjoying the solace of the beach. A part of me misses Wilmington and I want to go back, but I can’t. Not yet. I’m not sure when I’ll go back.
The day drags on, leaving me restless. I’m either sleeping or on the beach. I still can’t bring myself to explore the town. Since talking to Nicholas, my phone’s been off and I’m sure Lexi is blowing it up with messages. I head upstairs with a glass of water, turning on my phone. As soon as it powers up, six messages pop up.
Lexi: Bitch, do not ignore me!
Lexi: Seriously, your phone’s off! I’m gonna kill you.
Bradley: I’m stuck in Texas, but call me if you need me. I hate that your phone’s off. I hope you’re okay. I love you, all right?
Larry: Baby girl, turn on your phone. I have one pissed-off pregnant woman here, and she’s ready to come kill you. We’re thinking of you.
Nicholas: Thinking of you, Angel. Always thinking of you.
Lexi: We’re done! I’m breaking up with you and finding a new best friend!
I send out a mass text message, leaving Nicholas out, letting them know I’m okay, and apologizing for turning my phone off. A few more messages come in and Lexi tells me she’ll be here in a few days with Larry and to be ready to get out of the house. I’m close to telling Lexi not to come. She’s the spitting image of Nicholas with her intense brown eyes and brown hair. They have the same smile and the same shaped nose. Cute as a button. When I see her, I know I’ll see Nicholas. Shit! But I know I can’t tell her not to come. She’s my best friend.
My stomach grumbles. I don’t feel like eating. I haven’t had a decent meal in a while, just crackers or some fruit. Everything is bland. Before Bradley left, he filled the fridge and cabinets with food. It’s not appealing to me anymore. The desire to cook or do anything to take care of myself loses its appeal. My eyes are dark with circles and I’m losing weight. My clothes are loose on me, not like it matters. I’m usually in sweat pants and an oversized shirt. Actually, Nicholas’ shirt. Not sure how this ended up with my things, but I’m glad. It smells like him and I can’t take it off. Call me crazy, but I feel close to him with his shirt on.
Lying back down on my bed, I slowly close my eyes and fall back into a deep sleep.
Tossing and turning, another restless night. The night with my parents plays in my head. I see the darkness in his eyes. I smell the alcohol on his breath. I try and escape from his grip, but nothing works. His words play on and on.
“You’re a bitch.”
“I hope to see you in fucking hell.”
I wake up screaming. Opening my eyes, I realize I’m alone again. It’s five in the morning and I know I’m not getting any more sleep. I throw on my running clothes and head outside for a run on the beach. After running for a while, I stop and watch the sun rise. Things seem clearer, but my heart hurts.
Do I regret loving Nicholas? I don’t think so. I can’t regret loving someone who changed my life. Being with Nicholas took me out of my comfort zone. He healed me in so many ways. The only thing I regret is not fighting harder for him.
Picking up my pace I start r
unning again. My chest burns and my legs feel weak, but I push aside the pain and keep going. Finally reaching the beach house, I take one step at a time and walk through the doors, plopping down on the couch. Taking a few gulps of water, I head outside to the balcony.
A hand brushes my hair over my shoulder. I look and see a sleepy Bradley standing next to me.
“How you holding up?”
“I’m not sure.” I stare out to the dark ocean. “Sometimes I think about flying away. Away from all of this and starting over.”
“Well, if you do, be sure to bring me with you. I don’t want you starting over by yourself again.” I rest my head on his shoulder, breathing in his clean, minty scent. “You know I’m here for you,” he says, kissing the top of my head.
Having Bradley back in my life means so much. I’ve learned to forgive him and let him in. Without him, I’m not sure how I would be able to survive. Don’t get me wrong; Lexi and Larry are great, but it’s hard for them to pick sides and I don’t want that.
“Go to sleep, Bradley. You just got home from a long trip and you look like shit. I brush his shaggy dark brown hair from his tired green eyes. “You need a haircut.” I laugh, trying to make things comfortable. “I’m gonna be okay.”
He takes me by the hand and leads me back inside to my room. Sitting on my bed, he turns his body towards me and brings me in for a hug, a hug I didn’t know I needed until now. With the simple touch of his arms, I break down and ask him to stay with me. He doesn’t hesitate and lets me cry in his shirt. His voice is the last I hear, but Nicholas is the last person I see before falling back into my dark hole, a never-ending spiral of loss and pain.
I’ve fallen into the same routine – wake up, cry, sleep, go outside to the beach, cry, watch TV, cry, and try to eat. Bradley left for a few days to go back to Wilmington, but promised to call and check on me. The weather’s been on and off and I told Lexi to stay home. She has to worry about her baby, not me. After begging and pleading, and Larry’s intervention, she’s not coming to visit. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m sad Lexi’s not coming today. I can’t take being alone. The silence in the beach house drives me crazy. I have to do something or else I’m going to lose my mind.
Putting on my shorts and a soft, pink tee, I head out on the boardwalk and start walking. I don’t know where I’m going or what I want to do. I just walk.
ME: ANGEL, TALK TO ME.
Me: Angel, where are you?
Me: I miss you. Do you miss me? Do you think about me? Because you’re always on my mind. I’m sorry for everything. Please, I hope one day you can forgive me.
I keep falling. I can’t get up. I can’t grab on to anything. My body feels light. Everything goes in slow motion. My mind is clear, but my eyes are closed. Everything is dark. What am I doing? Where am I? Confusion takes over. But this is what I’m used to since losing Karly. It doesn’t matter if I’m sleeping or if I’m awake, the feeling of falling and never stopping consumes me.
The empty bottle of Jack stares at me. There’s shattered glass on the floor and my hand fucking hurts. But I don’t care. I welcome the pain because nothing compares to the ache I have all over. Drifting in and out of consciousness, I feel like lying here and never getting up. Because if I get up, then I’m back in reality. When I’m in reality, Karly’s nowhere to be found.
Blackness. This is where I want to be.
My body shakes and I’m being lifted up. There are two – no, wait – four people near me, bringing me to a car. I’m tossed inside and hear the door closed. Shit, what if I’m being taken away? Will they kill me? Good. I welcome death the way I welcome pain. I need it slow and painful. Anything to numb my broken heart.
I think a lot of time has passed because I’m in a room. The smell of vanilla is there.
“Karly? Karly, are you there.” I memorized her. Every smile, every expression. I know she loves wearing her vanilla scent perfume.
When she moved in, she filled the house with vanilla candles. I hated it at first, but got used to it. As soon as we became official, and she started sleeping in my bedroom, everything was vanilla. Candles, lotions, and sprays.
“He’s awake!” I turn my head and see Lexi running out the door. I blink a few more times and, in a few moments, Larry and Stephen are in front of me.
“Nicholas, can you hear me?” I rub my eyes and look at Larry, my best friend.
Did he save me?
He’s been picking up the pieces since she left. Actually, all three of them have been. I lift my hand in the air and see it’s been cleaned and a few band-aids are protecting the cuts.
“Hey, man, can you hear me?”
“Yeah.” My mouth is dry. “Water, please,” I croak. Stephen hands me a bottle of water and I start chugging. My insides feel like they’re on fire. My throat is tight and I feel like I’m about to choke. Fuck. I release a few coughs from my lips and put the bottle back on the nightstand. “What happened?” I feel the water slowly coming back up. “Garbage now!” Lexi hands me the garbage can and all the water I drank now sits in a plastic bag. The pain is back. It never leaves.
“Found you in an alley by the bar last night. They kicked you out and then called me. What the fuck is wrong with you, man? Do you wanna die? Are you thinking about Emma!? You know, the daughter that you barely spend fucking time with because you’re so fucked with your damn emotions?”
“Don’t fucking question my love for Emma!” I scream, sitting up in the bed. “She’s my world!”
“Then act like it! I’m tired of seeing you walk around her, lost and scared. I get it, okay? I do. I know you miss Karly and you want her back, but I told you this from the start. You made the decision to take back Jamie. Don’t let Emma feel the pain of your choices. She’s already sad because she lost Karly. Be there for her, man. Be the fucking man I know you can be.”
Lexi sits on the bed next to me, taking my hand. “Nicky, please snap out of this. You’ve been drinking every day since Karly left. I know you’re both hurting, but you need to stop doing this to yourself, please! You’re my big brother and I don’t wanna lose you.” Her arms wrap around my neck, “I almost lost you before. I don’t wanna feel like that ever again. I need my big brother.”
“I know,” is all I’m able to say back. Repeating, in my mind, what Lexi said. Karly’s hurting? My Angel’s in pain? “Where’s Karly?”
“She’s away, but she’s safe. You both need some time alone. Don’t shut us out, Nicky. Please.”
My baby sister puts her head in my hands and cries. Fuck, I start crying like a God damn bitch. My mind goes to the one place where it belongs. All day, every day, my mind and heart are with her.
“I miss her.” I suck in a breath. “Does she talk about me?”
“She misses you too.”
“Lexi! Stop; that’s not helping,” Larry hisses.
“He needs to know! Nicholas, look; she loves you, okay? But this is what you chose and she’s respecting that.”
“I fucking can’t do this.”
“We know, man. But you gotta pick yourself up. Jamie’s been blowing up my phone, asking for you.” Stephen kneels down next to the bed and looks at me. “You’re my best friend. I hate seeing you like this. Do you have to do this? Do you have to be with Jamie?”
No. I nod my head and look away from my friends. I can’t have this shit happening again. Fuck, I have to be careful or else everything’s going to fall apart.
Standing on the shoreline, I think of Karly and wonder if she’s doing the same. I’ve been walking around with a damn smile on my face, but it’s for Emma. Until Karly’s back in Wilmington there’s no reason to smile or think everything’s going to work out. At this point, after trying to talk to her, I don’t think she’d forgive me. If I were her I wouldn’t forgive me neither. I’d run far away from me and live a life I know I deserve.
But standing here on the beach calms me down. When I’m here I feel Karly near me. Her obsession with the beach and water I n
ever understood, until now. It seems like being here on the sand in front of the crashing waves is the only thing that makes me see reality and puts things in perspective. I can’t look at anyone or be around anyone. It reminds me of what I lost. What I barely had and what I never thought would come in my life – love. I can’t remember the last time I had a good night’s rest. I’m on autopilot, just going through the motions.
Part of me wishes I never said I would help Jamie. Part of me wishes we never met, but then I wouldn’t have Emma. No matter what happened in the past, I can’t change it. I’m focusing on the present and future, but damn, I wish things had been different. There’s always going to be a good and bad when it comes to the choices we make in life.
This is what I deserve. Everything I touch, I destroy. Emma’s the only thing I got right in my life and I’m trying to make sure I’m being a good father and giving her everything she needs. I rub my face and stare off to the ocean.
The days and nights are pushing together. Sometimes I forget what day it is and spend too many hours in my office at work. Unshaven, barely able to function without coffee, and keeping to myself is how I’m getting by. It all stands as a reflection of a lost man, needing to find his direction again.
“We need to talk.” I turn around and see Bradley walking towards me. What the fuck does he want?
“What do you want, Bradley?”
“I want you to know that you’re not ever going to hurt or see Karly again.”
Who the fuck does this asshole think he is? All I see is red. I ball my fists at my sides and I’m ready to deck him in the face. No one will tell me that I’ll never see the love of my life again. The hate that I have for him grows and all I want to do is grab him by his shirt and shake the information out of him. I know he knows where Karly is.
“Care to elaborate?” I growl. Shit if he knows where Karly is then there’s a chance she’s already moved on. Fuck! Would she move on that quickly? Has he been inside her? Fuck, no. My cock is the only one she’ll feel inside her. My cock owns her. No other cock will come fucking close.