by Teegan Loy
“It’s not a good enough excuse to miss my sister’s wedding,” I grumbled.
“If it makes you happy, Ashley’s still mad as hell, but it’s in the past. Pissing and moaning about that shit isn’t going to change it. I say let’s forget it. There’s enough crap to deal with in the present.”
How right he was.
Gavin talked all the way to his truck. Even though I didn’t really pay attention to what he was saying, it was good to see him. The good feeling disappeared when we got to his vehicle. It wasn’t exactly the same truck, but it was the same model and color. I tossed my bag into the back and climbed into the front seat. Sitting in Gavin’s truck brought back a flood of memories.
The truck bounced and I bumped my head on the window, making the bubble of memories pop. I had to quit thinking about the past and focus on the present. I was here to see my mother, not think about him.
“How bad is it?” I asked.
The light slid out of Gavin’s eyes and he gripped the steering wheel.
“Not good.” His voice was filled with sadness.
I stared at my hands. I didn’t know what else to ask. Those two words answered all of my questions and dashed my hopes.
We didn’t talk again until Gavin turned the truck onto the familiar road that would take us into Middleton Lake.
The moment I spotted the Middleton Lake city limits sign, I grabbed Gavin by the arm and begged him to stop the truck. He quickly pulled to the side of the road and I jumped out, heading into the ditch to puke my guts out.
“Fuck, Ty, are you okay? Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.”
“I’m fine,” I choked out as a few more dry heaves shook my body.
“I know you don’t want to talk about . . . er, him, but maybe —”
“No,” I said firmly. “I’m not talking about this shit. I’m here to see Mama, not dredge up a past I can’t change. So just shut your fucking yap. You have it all, and I . . .” I hung my head and twisted my hands together. “I’m sorry. Please, let’s just leave it at that.”
“No problem, buddy, just know, I’m here for whatever.” He reached into the backseat, grabbed a bottle of water, and handed it to me.
“Thanks. Just get me to Mama,” I grumbled, then sipped the water, trying to relax as we drove through town.
Ashley was sitting on the porch in a bright red Adirondack chair, leaning forward with her elbows resting on her knees. When we pulled into the driveway, she slowly stood and swiped her hair away from her face. She looked tired and sad. It wasn’t only my world that was spinning out of control.
My breath came in short puffs, and I clutched the car door handle, too freaked to move. “Fuck, Gav, I don’t think I can do this.”
He got out of the truck, went around to my side, and opened the door.
“They need ya, Ty. Ashley is falling apart, and I can’t hold her together by myself. She needs to know you care.”
I exhaled and slowly climbed out of the truck. Gavin reached around me and grabbed my bag, then made his way toward the porch while I hung back.
Ashley met him, wiping the tears that dripped down her cheeks. Gavin dropped my luggage and opened his arms for her. She burrowed her face into the crook of his neck, letting her long, blonde hair spill over his shoulder as he held her. She gripped his biceps until her knuckles turned white.
A spark of jealousy flared, and I hoped Ashley knew how lucky she was to have found someone like Gavin. I truly was happy for her, but seeing how much he loved her hurt to witness. At one time in my life, I thought I’d found it too.
Ashley raised her head from Gavin’s shoulder and met my gaze, so much alike, yet so different. The sadness held in her eyes was the same I stared back at every morning. Sometimes I could hide it, but most days I chose to ignore it. I straightened and strode toward my sister.
So many emotions ran through Ashley’s face, it was difficult to read them all. Eventually she let the ice queen mask slide into place. In a way it was comforting to see something normal again.
She untangled from Gavin and held out her hand to me. I closed my eyes and allowed her to grasp my fingers.
“Thanks for coming, Tyler,” she said calmly. “I know how hard it was for you to come back here.”
Without hesitation, she pushed open the front door and led me into the house. It was like stepping into one of my memories. Almost everything was the same as it had been the day I’d walked out of the house five years ago. The pictures were in the same place, the smell of freshly brewed coffee filled the air, and the broom Mama used to sweep the porch still leaned in the corner.
I gripped the doorframe and gulped the air my body craved.
“Ty? It’s okay. You can say whatever you want to me. I’m not mad.”
“You should be,” I choked out.
“Look at me.” Her voice turned angry and hard. She clawed at my arm, digging her fingernails into skin. I wanted her to lash out, to punish me for the missed wedding, the holidays I blew off, and the day she called to give me Mama’s diagnosis. I’d been so fucked up I could barely remember the conversation. I wanted her to hurt me like I hurt her. I deserved nothing less.
“Ty, please, you need to let the past go. Let it all go.”
“I’m trying,” I rasped.
“Try harder,” she said firmly. “Let’s go see Mama. She’s been waiting for her golden boy.”
I spun around and glared at her. “Don’t call me that. There’s nothing golden about me anymore.”
She rolled her eyes and sneered at me. “You can be so fucking stupid, my dear brother.”
My strength to engage her in a war of words had long ago left me. She had no clue about my current life, and if I had my way, she never would. After this shit was over, I hoped to disappear into the sunset. My sister didn’t need me around to bring poison into her life. Everything I touched went bad.
Ashley’s icy stare cut into me. I tried to look away, but she held me in place with her steely eyes.
“I know you’re not happy, but right now you don’t matter. We’ll work on you later. Today Mama needs us. She needs to know you’re going to be okay, and if I have to paint a happy face on you, I will. I won’t allow you to go into her room until you promise me that you aren’t going to dump all your shit on her. I don’t care what you have to do, just fucking fake it. Pretend your life is great and give her the peace she needs.”
“Are you finished?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.
“Yes,” she replied coldly.
Her moods were changing so fast I could barely keep up with her. I couldn’t blame her though. She’d tried to hide the dark circles under her eyes with makeup, but she hadn’t been very successful.
“Have a little faith in me. My life may suck, but I wouldn’t put it on Mama.”
Ashley nodded and bumped against my shoulder. I took a deep breath, grabbed her hand, and trudged down the hall. I could fucking fake happy for a few days.
I paused at Mama’s bedroom door and I closed my eyes, searching for some hidden strength. Ashley leaned into me.
“You’ll be fine. It’s just Mama.”
She dropped my hand and gave me a small push through the door.
Lindy?” a small voice asked.
“Mama?” I whispered.
“Tyler? Is that you, baby boy?”
“Yeah, Mama, it’s me.”
“Come closer so I can see you,” she said.
Lindy had warned me that Mama was sick, but I wasn’t quite prepared for the drastic physical changes in her. I’d never actually seen someone who was knocking on the proverbial door.
Through the dimness of the room, I could see her propped up with a large pile of pillows. A floral scarf was wrapped tightly around her head. Thin puffs of blonde hair stuck out from under the cloth. Her skin looked paper-thin and had a gray tinge. The only familiar thing about her was her bright blue eyes.
I cleared my throat and tried to look past the physical changes. “Hi,
Mama.”
She patted the bed. “Come sit with me. I know I look like shit, but hey, I’m dying.”
And there was the mother I knew. She’d never been one to shy away from the truth. I sat down on the edge of the bed, trying not to disturb her.
“Oh, come on, Ty. I haven’t seen you in five years, and I don’t even get a hug. I’m not dead yet, kid.”
I huffed. “I’m hardly a kid.”
“Pfft, you’ll always be my little boy.”
I relaxed and dragged my six-foot frame up to the headboard and situated myself right next to her. She put her skinny arm around my shoulders and squeezed me tightly. She felt solid, and I wanted to melt into her arms.
“How are you feeling, Mama?” I sighed. “I’m sorry. I know it’s a stupid question —”
“It’s not a stupid question. It’s just a question. Sometimes I feel weightless, but that’s usually only after Lindy gives me the drugs. Sometimes I’m so pissed off that I can hardly think. Sometimes I can’t breathe and it scares the crap out of me, but most of the time, like now, I’m just accepting. We all go one day. Mine is just coming sooner than I’d planned.”
I lay my head on her shoulder, letting her play with my hair. She used to do it after I’d had a nightmare when I was a small child. It comforted me and helped chase the monsters away.
“I’m sorry for not keeping in regular contact.”
“You had your reasons, and the past is just that . . . the past. I can’t change it. You can’t change it either, so let’s move on. I don’t have a lot of time to be sorting through things that have already happened. You’re here now and that’s what’s important.” She smiled sadly. “You don’t need to tell me anything specific, baby, just talk to me. I want to know you’re going to be okay.”
And so I started to talk. I mustered up the courage and told her where I’d gone after I left Middleton Lake. I talked about the interesting people I’d met when I sang at bars and some of the boring jobs I’d held. I edited it heavily until she squeezed my arm.
“Tyler, just stop, okay. Did Ashley tell you to fill me full of crap? I’m not stupid. I know way more than you give me credit for, so please give me some truth here.”
My eyes widened. “But Ashley will have my head.”
“Now, you listen to me. I’m going to lay it all out because, like I said earlier, I don’t have a lot of time left, and I won’t have my son painting a pretty picture to protect me. I remember how broken you were.” She paused and took a few shallow breaths. “I know why you left, Tyler.”
The old panic rose in my throat and I squirmed. I wasn’t ashamed of sleeping with guys, but it wasn’t something I really wanted to talk about with my mother. I cringed when she touched my cheek, forcing me to meet her gaze.
“Baby, never be ashamed of loving anyone,” she said fiercely. “I never did go for labels. It doesn’t matter who you love but that you allow love into your life.”
“But . . . but,” I stammered. “Mama, I thought you’d be angry, or worse, disgusted with me.”
“What would make you think that? You’re my child. I love you, and I don’t give a shit who you’re with. I only want the best for you, that they treat you right and love you back, because you, my darling, are worth it.”
At the moment I didn’t feel like I was worth anything to anyone. And I certainly felt worthless five years ago.
“Look, baby, I knew about you and him. You would’ve had to be blind not to see the love you held for that boy, and the look in your eyes when you came home after that graduation party. It broke my heart and haunted me for weeks. You wear your emotions on your sleeve.” She brushed her hand against my cheek, and I choked back a sob.
“I thought I hid it so well. He didn’t want anyone to know about us. I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid I’d lose him if I said anything.”
“And yet, you lost him anyway. Keeping secrets isn’t a good way to live your life. They eat at your insides until there’s nothing left,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry you had to suffer so, my beautiful golden boy.”
My muscles stiffened when those words came out of her mouth. “Please don’t call me that, Mama. I’ll never live up to your expectations of me.”
“The only thing I expect from you is that you try to be happy.”
“I can’t promise you that I’ll ever truly be happy, but I’ll try.”
“Would you try anything?”
I shrugged. “Sure, Mama.”
“Then you need to talk to Skye.”
I jumped off the bed. “I am not talking to him . . . ever,” I snarled.
She narrowed her eyes. “You said you’d do anything, and I believe the only way you’re ever going to be able to move forward with your life is to confront your past. We can’t change our past, but we sure as hell can put it to bed.”
I slid down the wall and lay my head on my knees. “I can’t.”
“You can’t or you won’t? There’s a big difference, you know,” she snapped and then she coughed so hard the entire bed rattled.
I leaped to my feet and grabbed a glass of water, holding it in front of her, but she was too weak to hold it as the coughing fit shook her entire body. She scooped up a cloth, covering her mouth. I could see blood droplets spewing from her mouth, soaking into the towel. I stepped back but she grabbed my wrist and held me in place. The coughing slowed and she was able to take the water from me, drinking enough to wet her mouth and lips.
“Listen to me, Tyler. This is important. Don’t leave anything on your list, baby, because you never know when your time is up. Live the life you want, not the one everyone believes you should be living. If you really think about it, settling isn’t really living. Promise me that you will get past all this nonsense,” she pleaded. “Talk to him.”
Before I could answer, someone tapped on the door. It slowly swung open and suddenly, I was staring at more of my past. Lindy Scott strode confidently into the room, carrying a wide assortment of medications on a tray.
She gasped and almost dropped the tray when she spotted me. “Tyler.” My name fell from her lips in a strangled whisper. She shakily placed the tray on the bedside table. “I can’t believe you actually came.”
I opened my arms and enveloped the petite, dark haired woman, pulling her against my chest. I stroked her hair and held her tightly. After several minutes, Lindy untangled herself from my grasp, smoothed her shirt, and cleared her throat.
“Ty, could you please excuse us. It’s time for me to give your mother her meds. I promise we’ll talk later.”
“Yes, honey, go take a nap,” Mama said. “Oh, and baby, next time bring your guitar. I want to hear you play.”
I clasped Mama’s hand, giving it a squeeze. “Sure, Mama. I’ll see you in a little bit.”
On the way out of the room, I heard Lindy tell Mama that Dr. Olsen gave the okay to increase the pain meds. I staggered down the hall and sat down on the stairs. I needed some quiet to process everything that had happened. She fucking knew about Skye and me. I stared at the door leading to the basement.
Ashley came around the corner and smiled at me. “It’s still your space, Ty. Gavin already brought your stuff downstairs.”
“Thanks, Ash,” I said. “Um, I need a favor. Do you know anyone who plays guitar? I need to borrow one. I didn’t bring mine, and Mama wants me to play for her.”
“I think I can round one up.” She paused and tugged on a strand of my hair. “I’m sorry for losing my shit on you earlier. I really am glad you’re here.”
“You don’t have to apologize for anything.” I rubbed my temples.
“Get some rest. I’ll wake you in a bit.”
As I traveled down those all-too-familiar stairs, the past sneaked up and sucker punched me in the face.
Chapter Thirteen
“Hey, Ty, wake up, man,” Gavin said. “You’re moaning. It’s really disturbing.”
I rolled over. “What time is it?”
“A
lmost dinnertime,” Gavin said. “You okay?”
“Quit asking me that. This is about Mama.”
Gavin sat on the bed and stared at me. “I know how Susan is doing. I was asking about you.”
“Well, don’t,” I said.
I got up and stomped to the bathroom, slamming the door with a flourish so Gavin couldn’t ask me any more dumb questions. I’d barely been here half a day and already my past was trying to drown me. I glared at my reflection. I looked and felt like shit. The dark purple circles under my eyes made me look ten years older. I wanted to beat my head on the wall to make the demons go away, but the memories were everywhere I turned.
I splashed water on my face, then went to my bedroom. Being in this room, in this house, was more difficult than I thought it would be. My room looked like a shrine, unchanged since I’d walked out five years ago. Even my backpack was still sitting on my desk where I’d dumped it.
It was a bit creepy and made me feel more on edge than ever. My brain screamed at me to find a way to get high or drunk to numb my feelings. Since everything was the same in my room, maybe hidden somewhere was a little stash. I wondered if pot aged like wine or good scotch.
I didn’t smoke a lot in high school, but someone always seemed to have a joint available. I dug around, finally finding the small wood box I was searching for. Unfortunately, when I twisted the lid and watched the little metal pipe bounce in the air, I was treated to an empty compartment.
“Fuck.”
“Hey, watch your mouth,” Gavin said.
“Jesus.” I gripped my chest. “Are you trying to give me a heart attack? Quit sneaking around.”
I stuffed my one-hitter under some papers and slammed the drawer closed so quickly, I almost took off the tip of my fingers.
Gavin laughed. “I don’t sneak. I thought you’d be dressed, and I came down to tell you dinner is ready.”
“Uh, I was just looking . . . I mean, all this stuff . . . It’s weird.” I felt like a kid getting busted by his old man for stealing a couple of beers or something. I leaned against the wall trying to look nonchalant.
“Just get moving, and after we eat, we’ll talk about it. Maybe I can help relieve the pressure you’re feeling at the moment.” He patted me on the shoulder and headed upstairs.