The Supe leaned back in his big leather chair, placing his hands on his face and then brushing them up through his gray, but still thick, head of hair. “Cadet Trane had an unblemished record. He had good grades, he was a good athlete…he seems to have done well in every area as a cadet.”
I thought he was perfect, too.
“It turns out that Cadet Trane did have one problem, however. One that no one knew about. Not his girlfriend, not his friends, neither his subordinates nor his superiors—no one seems to have known about Cadet Trane’s problem.”
Rapists don’t usually share that information….
“He was an alcoholic.” The Supe leaned forward in his chair and stared straight at Jan and Kristi. “We searched his room and discovered a stash of liquor in his footlocker and behind the wall of his bottom closet drawer.”
Trane never seemed drunk to me….
The Supe continued, “It appears that his drinking problem very likely clouded his judgment on several occasions.”
And no one ever noticed before?
“What we have here, Miss McCarron and Miss Wishart, is a situation where a good man went bad because of alcohol abuse. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“Yes, Sir,” Kristi answered for both of them.
“Cadet Trane is dead, so he cannot speak for himself. Everyone who knew him thought he was a great guy. He had many friends. A family has lost their son and their brother who was just a couple weeks away from graduating from West Point.”
Jan couldn’t fathom the grief Trane’s family must be experiencing. All she knew was that it could have been her family or Kristi’s family instead. And in Kristi’s case, there had already been enough grief for one year.
The Supe continued speaking. “We are going to have a memorial service at the Cadet Chapel for Cadet Trane, for the fine young man everyone knew. We are also going to talk about the dangers of alcoholism and how it can affect the mind, making otherwise good people do some very bad things.” He sat back again in his big leather chair. “Miss Wishart, I understand Cadet Trane was your supporting cadet at your Honor Board.”
“Yes, Sir,” she almost whispered.
“So even you must have thought very highly of Cadet Trane, correct?”
“Yes, Sir.”
“What I’m saying to both of you is this: Cadet Trane did a terrible thing when he was drunk. But otherwise, he was a good man who was loved and will be deeply missed. We have to handle his death with sensitivity and dignity for the family and all who knew him.”
Jan didn’t have a problem with that part. She figured funerals were for the living anyway. “Yes, Sir,” they both replied.
“Good, now let’s talk about you two.”
Jan flinched slightly.
“What we have here is a situation where you defended yourselves from your attacker. You did what anyone in that situation would do. Miss Wishart, you went to find help while Miss McCarron stayed behind with a weapon, correct?”
“Yes, Sir,” Kristi answered.
“Okay, so help me understand one thing. Miss McCarron, why didn’t you also go get help with Miss Wishart? Why did you stay behind with the knife?”
Jan felt Kristi flinch this time. “Sir, I was afraid Cadet Trane was going to catch up with us. He had closed the gap by the time we had reached the Poop Deck. I felt one of us had to run for help and one of us had to stay and either fight or hide.”
“So why was Miss Wishart the one who went for help?”
“Sir, she’s the better runner.” Kristi said it with all seriousness, but Jan found it slightly humorous. “And Sir, I thought I could hide better.”
“But he found you, didn’t he?”
“Yes, Sir. I tried to hide, but when he got close, I decided the best defense was offense, so I jumped out. We struggled for a little bit, and I could tell he was going to take the knife, which I had in my right hand, so I jabbed him with it.” Kristi re-enacted the jabbing motion which looked like what they were taught in bayonet training. “I was just trying to hurt him enough so I could get away. But I had no idea I cut his brachial artery.” They both had learned a new lesson in anatomy.
“I see.” LTG Stanton looked down. “Do you think he might have killed you if you hadn’t had the knife?”
Kristi lifted her chin slightly. “Yes, Sir, that’s what I assumed.”
The Supe took a deep breath and leaned back in his chair again. “Okay, here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to address the entire Corps of Cadets about the situation. I’m going to explain Cadet Trane’s alcohol addiction and how it affected his actions that night. I’m also going to explain that you both acted in self defense—the MP investigation as well as our internal one validates your actions that night.” He leaned forward again. Looking straight at Kristi, he continued, “However, you must know that there will be some, perhaps many, who will feel that you committed murder and got away with it.”
The room fell completely silent. No one moved or spoke while LTG Stanton let his words sink in to Jan and Kristi’s psyche. Then he added, “Furthermore, no one can protect you from the fallout that may come from this. Some will never accept you, some may silence you, and you may find yourselves as the brunt of jokes, snide comments or other verbal assaults. There’s nothing I, or anyone else, can do to keep these things from happening.”
Jan and Kristi had already thought about that. They already felt the stigma.
“If you were my daughters, I would advise you to resign.” He said it softly but deftly.
Another long moment of silence ensued. Jan began to understand the point of this meeting. He wants us out.
“Sir, may I ask a question?”
“Yes, Miss Wishart?”
“Sir, what would you advise if we were your sons?”
Jan saw him flinch. He sat back again in his chair, interlocking his fingers behind his head. He waited another moment before answering. “That’s a good question, Miss Wishart.” He looked up to the trey ceiling before looking back at Jan. “I’d probably tell you to stick it out. You were out after Taps and in an unauthorized area. You’re not the first nor the last cadets to be guilty of that. But if you hadn’t been out, we might never have discovered Cadet Trane’s propensity for evil.” He paused again. “Don’t get me wrong, I wish you had not gone out that night. But in doing so, we’ve solved…” He abruptly stopped speaking.
Solved what?
The Superintendent leaned forward in his chair. “Anyway, it’s done now. There’s no way of knowing what might have happened if you had not gone out that night.” He seemed a little flustered.
“Sir, what do you mean?” Jan hoped it wasn’t what she thought.
“Nothing that can be changed at this point, Miss Wishart.”
“Sir, are you saying there have been other rapes?” Jan began to feel the rage rising again.
“I didn’t say anything of the sort.” He stared directly at Jan. She didn’t flinch. “I’m saying we are hopeful that there will not be any more incidents like this one.”
“Sir,…”
“Miss Wishart, there’s a lot you don’t know. We do not share everything with the entire Corps of Cadets. It would not be prudent or helpful to do so. But, yes, there have been a few incidents over the last few years which yielded no evidence and only reluctant victims. Without proof and without witnesses, there is nothing to do but wait and hope. There’s no point alarming everyone.” His voice indicated the end of the subject.
Jan didn’t say any more. This wasn’t her fight. Not every battle is Armageddon.
LTG Stanton told them to think about their options and that he would support whatever decisions they made. They were dismissed.
40
Jan jan as a girl's name (also used as boy's name Jan), is pronounced jann, Feminine form of John. As a girl's name, also a short form of Janet and Janice. It is of Hebrew origin, and the meaning of Jan is " God is gracious".
Wednesday, May 26, 1982
/> 1300 Hours
Eternity finally arrived. Recognition day began with the last parade of the year—graduation parade. It was like every other parade, only this time, the Corps of Cadets minus the firsties passed in review of the graduating class. The cows in charge led the parade like they were old pros, which tends to happen after three years of practice. Each company presented arms when passing the firsties, and then each company returned back to their formational areas for recognition of the plebes.
The acting Company Commander ordered the plebes of H-3 to fallout in a wide U-shape. But the Army doesn't do soft corners, so they formed up in a three-sided rectangle. The yearlings started the procession, each one coming down the line of plebes, introducing themselves by first name. The plebes also offered their first names, while sounds of joking and laughing went up across the Academy.
The night before, the Superintendent called a special session to address the entire Corps of Cadets. They had marched to Ike Hall where he spoke about “an incident involving the death of a first classman.” This young man, he said, while a model cadet in many ways, had a serious alcohol addiction which explained why he might have acted violently. He never used the word “rape.” The investigation into these events would continue, LTG Stanton said, but the cadets involved were not to blame. All the evidence to date, he said, supported the female cadet’s decision to defend herself from a perceived and real threat. Any rumors to the contrary were false. These cadets, he stressed, deserved acceptance and treatment in the same manner as any other member of the Corps. Additionally, he reminded them that the deceased firstie had a spotless reputation prior to this incident and that the Corps should also remember him that way. Since the young man was no longer here to defend himself, no further judgment could be made about his character other than what was previously known about him.
Jan and Kristi sat stone-faced and still in their seats for the whole lecture. Angel looked over at them a couple of times, still disbelieving what her roommates had been through. Even though their names were never officially mentioned, most everyone knew who was involved. They went to bed hoping the Supe’s words would be taken seriously.
They didn't have to line up in height order, so Jan, Kristi and Angel stood next to each other. Each upperclassman congratulated them and most seemed genuinely happy that the three women had made it. Although, a few came through the line and refused to shake Kristi’s hand. One or two only nodded at Jan, never greeting her formally.
Kristi’s first semester Squad Leader broke the ice, “Well, you certainly finished plebe year with a bang, Kristi.”
“Yes, Sir.” She looked down.
“Hey, none of that anymore, I'm Ken now.” He smiled at her.
“Thanks, Ken. I wish it could have been very different.”
When Cadet Meyer stepped in front of Jan, he said, “You were squared away first semester when I was your Squad Leader, Jan.” He smiled, “I’m Steve.”
“Actually, I was a mess first semester—intra-murder soccer, blueberry pies and diet tables—you remember?”
“Okay, but those were nothing compared to…” he seemed to think twice about his comments, “well, you know what I mean.”
Jan smiled back. “You were the first upperclassman to give me a compliment. I really appreciated that.”
“I did? I don’t remember…”
“Yes, you did, I remember it well.”
“Well good luck at Camp Buckner.”
“Thank you, Sir…I mean, Steve.”
With each Yearling who congratulated and called her “Jan,” she felt more secure in her place in the Long Gray Line. She was now a full-fledged member of the United States Corps of Cadets. They confirmed it. They called her Jan. At least most of them did.
Then the cows came through the line. She greeted Cadet Rallins, “Thank you for the iron, Jean. It really helped with my wool trousers that time.”
“Oh, I felt so bad for you, Jan. That was such a hard night.”
“Yeah, but you made it easier. You saved my pants from the trash can.” They both laughed.
“And I guess it was easy in hindsight…I mean…now…”
“Yes, Jean. Looking back, it was…. easy.”
The cows finished filing through, then the firsties started coming. She saw Dogety approaching in the corner of her eye, but she didn't look at him. Thankfully, Cadet Holdern came first.
“Congratulations, Jan. No matter what anyone else says or thinks, remember that you and Kristi both deserve to be here. Hold your heads high. ”
I’ll try. “Thank you, John.”
“And you will always have the notorious distinction of digging Harold’s grave.” He winked, but Jan wished he hadn’t mentioned that last word.
“It was an honor.”
He lowered his voice, “And nothing will ever seem too difficult after what you’ve been through.”
“You’re right about that.”
A few more firsties came through the line. Jan saw Dogety getting closer—only two people away. Then, he stood in front of her. She took a deep breath while an awkward silence hung between them. She decided not to speak first.
“Congratulations, Jan.” He held his hand out to shake.
She took it and they shook slowly, deliberately. “Thanks, Sam.” She could not think of anything else to say.
“I’m really sorry for all the trouble I put you through. You’ve taught me more than I could possibly have taught you.” He looked in her eyes.
“You’ve taught me well. Everything you put me through helped me to survive the… that last thing.” She looked back at him, eye to eye. “You prepared me to face this…situation.”
“Well, I am truly, deeply sorry for getting you into this whole mess.” He looked down now.
“I am sorry we couldn’t get to know each other more. But I wish you all the best in the Army, and beyond.” She meant it.
“Thanks, Jan. I wish you the best, also. Goodbye.”
“Goodbye, Sam.”
Jan looked down the line of plebes and saw Rick greeting everyone with a smile and a handshake. She never would have guessed him. This cocky, prior service, good at everything, Mr. Know-It-All could not possibly be the same sensitive, funny and spiritual pen pal she had come to know. But he was indeed the very same person. She realized how little she knew about anyone. Hell, she didn’t even know much about herself. Although, she knew quite a bit more now than a year ago.
She wanted to hug him before everyone scattered for summer leave. She contemplated how best to approach him when he looked up and caught her eye. Jan wanted to tell him how much he meant to her. She wanted to tell him she loved him. But what did he think about her now? Now that she had been involved in Cadet Trane’s death would he still want to be her friend? She looked away.
The line finally finished. The plebes of H-3 were officially recognized and dismissed to begin packing. She walked back to her room. Kristi and Angel were packing their green duffle bags. Jan flopped down on her now stripped bed, putting her feet up and falling back on the pillow. She felt like she had just been released from prison.
“Oh Jan, I almost forgot. You got another note taped to the door.” Kristi handed Jan a folded piece of paper.
Jan took the note and brought it close to her face. She unfolded it and read.
Jan,
I really enjoyed helping you in Calculus. You always made me feel so smart. (I know you think you were terrible at it, but you were not that bad really.) And yes, I enjoyed seeing you in Drowning, also.
I am so thankful that the honor charges were dropped. And deeply thankful that you were not blamed for what happened on that other night. I don’t think I’ve ever prayed so hard in my life. And it looks like God may have been with us after all. `
I’m sorry we haven’t connected very much in the last couple of weeks. With exam week, moving to Camp Buckner, graduation week activities and walking area tours, we haven’t had any time to catch up. I’m sure you’ve
had even less time, given the extra hours you have to put in on the area.
Anyway, I was hoping to spend a little time together before summer leave. But it looks like we’ll have to wait until Buckner to actually speak again. I am looking forward to it.
I hope I won’t get “all stupid” around you then. If I do, give me a chance to make it right, please. Surely you can tell by now that I’m a nice guy.
Rick (aka SKIP)
Jan folded the paper again and held it against her stomach with her left hand. I thought Trane was a nice guy, too. She covered her eyes with her right hand. She suddenly felt so tired. So goddamn tired.
Angel and Kristi continued packing. Jan began to nod off when Kristi said, “Jan, do you mind if I come to your house again in, like, two weeks?”
Jan felt like she needed a break from everyone, even Kristi, but two weeks should do it. How could she say no to the one friend who risked her own life for Jan’s? “Yeah, that’s fine. Just let me know when you’re coming.”
“I’ll call a few days ahead. You can pick me up at Logan, right?”
“Yeah, Kissy, no prob.” Jan didn’t want to think about two weeks from now. She just wanted to sleep. She turned her head toward the wall on the uncovered pillow, closed her eyes and fell asleep.
The West Point Class of 1982 graduated the next day. Senator John Tower (R-TEX), Chairman of the Senate Armed Services Committee, gave the commencement address. Jan wondered if the firsties felt a little ripped off since the previous year’s graduation speaker was President Ronald Reagan. The thousand or so classmates, including Dogety, Conrad and Jackson, threw their hats at “Class Dismissed.”
Everyone was free to leave after the two-hour ceremony. Jan’s parents didn't come for her this time. Instead, she took a late afternoon Greyhound bus from the nearby town of Highland Falls. Fitting name for the bus out of West Point.
Gray Girl Page 25