by Katie Ginger
The song had changed and the husky singer sang, ‘In the arms of the angels.’ Bollocks, thought Joe. Every song was about heartbreak or death these days, or something worse. He felt a sudden desire to leave but then that familiar urge for human contact pulled at him, sticking his butt to the seat. He didn’t want to talk though. He hated all the questions these women had, like they could fix him if they could just have a little chat about it all.
She giggled. ‘Danny remembered me, he told you when we came over. Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten me already?’ She wrapped her hair around her finger.
Joe tried to picture what she might have been like when they were at school but he soon gave up. It was so hard to concentrate sometimes. Somehow his mind always wandered back to Clara, as if she was sneaking around in his head, trying to make him deal with it all. He knew she wouldn’t want him to be like this, but he couldn’t break out of the deep, dark black hole he’d fallen into.
‘I’m Annabelle Crawley. I was three years below you at school.’
He nodded. ‘Oh yeah, I remember.’ He didn’t remember. Who remembered kids three years below you at school? You just ignored them, you didn’t acknowledge them, or worse, become friends with them.
Annabelle snuggled in closer. ‘It’s okay. I know you don’t have a clue who I am, but I forgive you. You can get to know me now.’
Joe glanced at his watch, knowing exactly how this night would end and, from the gleam in her eye, so did she. The feel of her body pressed into his arm was enough to convince them that another one-night stand was just what he wanted, even though he’d feel empty again in the morning. But swallowing his pint he knew it was pointless thinking any further ahead than the next day, and that was pushing it sometimes. He felt like his soul was lost, roaming somewhere outside his body, out there in the world. It would come back fleetingly during the reprieve of company, only to go missing again. He knew it wouldn’t stay this time, but he’d like to feel like himself again, even if it was only for a short while. Turning to Annabelle, he began talking a little more.
Chapter 3
Sandchester
Carol, Esme’s mum, sat opposite her at the large kitchen table. From the strange expressions she was making, Esme knew she was fantasising about ways to harm Leo Chalmers. Stephen, Esme’s father, sat quietly listening.
‘So that’s why I’m here, at half past eight on a Thursday morning,’ said Esme, examining her mum’s floral bathrobe tied around her waist. ‘I didn’t wake you up, did I?’
‘No, dear,’ replied Carol. ‘We were just having sex—’
‘Some tea,’ interrupted Stephen, glaring at his wife. ‘We were just having some tea. In bed. Watching telly.’ He scratched his head and a redness crept out of his stripy pyjama top.
Esme shuddered. Since she had left home after finishing university, and her younger sister had moved out eight years ago, her parents had very much enjoyed a more active sex life. More than once when she’d been home for Christmas, or down for some family occasion, Esme would hear them and bury her head under the pillow. After last Christmas, Leo had insisted they stay at the hotel outside town, even though it would cost them more money to get taxis to and fro. But that wasn’t going to happen now, she thought sadly. They wouldn’t relish the prospect of having their daughter back home anymore than she wanted to be there, but they were always supportive and just what Esme needed right now. Stephen cocked his head to one side and smiled at his daughter.
‘Don’t worry, dear,’ said her mum. ‘You’ll get back on your feet and if that Leo turns up here, I shall … I shall …’ She grabbed a dinner knife, covered in marmalade. ‘I shall stab him in the back for stabbing you in the back. I can’t believe his name’s Chalmers. Charm, my arse.’
Esme tried to smile, but tears were forming in her eyes again, even though she was sick of crying. That morning, climbing into the taxi at Sandchester Station, which was unstaffed because no one ever wanted to visit the boring little town, Esme had rubbed at her tired eyes. Turning up at her mum and dad’s house, at the age of 33, with all her belongings crammed into one suitcase, and a Christmas pudding under her arm, was thoroughly depressing. At least it hadn’t been raining. ‘He didn’t stab me in the back, Mum. And he didn’t say there was anyone else. He just said we were more like friends than, you know.’ She blushed and stared down at the table with its red check tablecloth.
‘Well, darling,’ Carol replied, taking her cup. ‘Your room is all yours until you find somewhere else.’
‘I don’t know how I’ll find somewhere else. I need a job first.’ She ran a hand through her un-brushed hair and her fingers caught in the knots. She’d never felt so low.
‘About that,’ said Stephen, pouring another cup of tea. ‘We were saving up some money for your wedding.’
‘Wedding,’ repeated her mother, nodding. She’d always had this weird habit of randomly repeating the last word of other people’s sentences.
‘But as things have changed, you could use it to put down a deposit on a rental if you like. I’m sure you’ll find some work soon, you’re so good at your job. But just remember one thing, Esme.’ She paused at her dad’s sincere expression. ‘Don’t ever go backwards. Always move forwards. Going back never helps.’
‘Never helps,’ repeated Carol. ‘That means no going back to that scumbag. Even if he comes crawling on bended knee with the biggest diamond you’ve ever seen. Men like that don’t change.’
‘How much do you have saved?’ asked Esme.
‘About three thousand pounds,’ Stephen answered.
Esme raised her head. ‘Really? Thank you. Thank you so much. ‘It was more than generous and enough to cover not just a deposit but the first few months’ rent too. Tears escaped from her eyes and she studied her parents. The wrinkles on her mum’s kind, round face crinkled and her dad’s mouth lifted into a grin. They were always so kind and supportive. Even if her mum did have homicidal tendencies and her father was now talking in pop-psychology book clichés, they were great parents.
‘Have you told your sister yet?’ asked Stephen.
‘No.’ Esme dipped her eyes as if she was six and had been told off.
‘Why not?’
‘She’ll be upset with me for losing my job. She’ll think I should’ve—’
‘She will not,’ interrupted Carol, now waving the marmalade knife at Esme. ‘Alice will be pleased you’re home and proud that you stood up for yourself, just like I am. We’ll go and see her after breakfast. Little Daniel will be so happy to see his Aunty Ezzy.’
After breakfast, Carol drove them to Alice’s house as if she were a Formula One driver in the last race of the season. Esme’s fingers ached and her knuckles were white from holding onto the seat. It had been like a terrifying ride at an amusement park. Her ears were ringing from the angry shouting Carol had given every other passing driver. The old Ford had taken ages to heat up as well. They’d sat on the driveway waiting for the windscreen to de-mist while rain began to pour. As November took hold, the weather was wet and cold but without the buzz that December brought. Christmas lights were on here too, but with far less glitz and pizzazz than London. The local radio station insisted on playing the odd Christmas song, and though Leo used to hate it, Esme didn’t. She loved Christmas and despite everything, this one at home with her family would be great. They’d eat, drink, laugh and just be together. She wouldn’t have to rush back early on Boxing Day morning because Leo couldn’t put up with her mum any longer.
Alice opened the front door and stared wide-eyed at her sister. They had the same red hair, inherited from their mother, though Carol now dyed hers platinum-blonde in an ill-advised attempt to reverse the aging process. If her hair had actually gone platinum-blonde it would have looked amazing, but it still went a bit orangey-yellow in places and no one was brave enough to tell her. Alice’s figure had grown plump since having Daniel, while Esme’s was slim and toned from regular trips the gym, but it was clear to anyone they w
ere family. The London gym Esme and Leo had gone to had been swanky and exclusive – she’d have to start running again or something now she was home. She couldn’t afford a gym membership anymore. Yet Esme envied her sister for her absolute contentment with herself and her life.
‘Hello, sis,’ said Esme, as she approached.
‘What are you doing here?’ asked Alice, wiping her hands on a tea towel. ‘I didn’t think we’d see you till Christmas Eve.’
‘It’s a long story.’
‘Aunty Ezzy!’ called a little voice from behind Alice’s legs.
‘Hello, little man,’ she replied, whisking her 4-year-old nephew up into a huge hug. Daniel was gorgeous, with red hair and large blue eyes rimmed with thick lashes. Esme squeezed him tight. ‘I’ve missed you so much.’
‘Me too. Are you staying here?’ he asked, staring up.
‘Not in your house, I’m with Granny and Grandpa for a bit.’
Alice frowned and peered at their mum. ‘You two better come in and tell me what’s going on.’
*
Three cups of tea later and everyone in Esme’s life was now up to speed on what a disaster it was. Esme stared around the kitchen where every cupboard door and each side of the fridge was covered in her nephew’s artwork.
‘I can’t believe it,’ said Alice. ‘I just can’t believe it.’ She glanced from Esme to Carol, until she too began wielding sharp implements clearly imagining harm to Leo.
‘I know,’ said Carol, ‘that’s what I said.’
‘And we all thought he was getting ready to propose. You said he’d been secretly shopping and organising stuff. You said he’d been looking at jewellery. I just assumed—’
‘Me too,’ Esme replied. ‘And all the gang did as well.’
‘As well,’ Carol repeated. ‘Another woman,’ she said after a pause sitting back in her chair at the breakfast bar.
‘I don’t think there is, Mum,’ said Esme. ‘He told me he felt we’d just grown apart.’
Alice raised her eyebrows. ‘Well, you can stay here as long as you like, you know that. Though I can’t promise little man won’t wake you up at five-thirty every morning. Oh, and he likes to do that by jumping on your head.’
‘Thanks,’ replied Esme, grinning. The central heating was on and the house was lovely and warm. Being there with her mum and sister was like being given a great big hug. ‘Mum and Dad said they have some money I can use to get a little place while I find a new job.’
‘Do you think that’s a good idea? Taking on a place while you try and find work?’ Alice bustled around the kitchen cleaning the surfaces and loading the dishwasher.
‘Don’t worry, Alice, I’m sure it’ll be fine. I’m going to write my cookbook while I look for work. If I don’t try now, when will I ever have the chance again? I need a kitchen to work in and I can’t use Mum and Dad’s all day with them pottering around me. It’ll drive me crazy. And them,’ she added, smiling at her mum. ‘I was hoping I could pick up a cheap little flat and freelance while I write.’
Alice paused and checked on Daniel who, at that precise moment, was trying to fit the television remote control into his mouth. ‘Darling, please don’t put that in your mouth, or anywhere else for that matter.’ He put it down and picked up one of his dad’s video games. ‘And don’t play with that, please? It’s Daddy’s. Why don’t you draw Aunty Ezzy a picture?’
‘Ooh, pictures,’ said Carol, excitedly. ‘I’ll go and watch him while you chat to Esme.’ She disappeared into the living room happy at the prospect.
‘Dad said rental prices are quite cheap at the moment,’ Esme continued. ‘Mum and Dad gave me enough to cover the deposit and about three months’ rent. I really think this is the time to at least try. I don’t have commitments like you and I need to make the most of this opportunity.’
Alice wiped over the worktop again. ‘You sound like Lola,’ she teased.
‘I know. Annoying, isn’t it?’ Esme watched her mum sitting happily with Daniel, kissing his head every few moments. ‘Don’t tell Mum, but I’m just trying to look on the bright side so she doesn’t worry too much. I’m pretty much falling apart internally.’ She gave a loud sniff.
Alice, who was just about to fill the kettle again, left it and came over, giving her sister a squeeze. ‘I know, Ezzy, but it’ll be okay, I promise. And if you’re sure this is the right thing to do, I might know someone who can help. Are you really determined to get a place?’
‘Definitely. If I live with Mum and Dad for more than a few days, I’ll turn suicidal.’
‘Okay, well, Joe Holloway might be able to help us.’
‘Joe Holloway?’ Esme stopped and cupped her hands around her mug. ‘Joe who we all fancied like mad at school?’
‘Yeah. He’s an estate agent.’
‘An estate agent? I always thought he’d end up like a spy or something.’
Alice rolled her eyes. ‘Anyway, you fancied him like mad when we were at school, not me. Rumour has it he’s still a bit of a ladies’ man. Loves a one-night stand.’ She sat opposite and took Esme’s hands. ‘Are you sure getting a place isn’t too risky?’
‘If the worst happens, I’ll only be renting so I can just move back home. I won’t end up in lots of debt. And what have I got to lose? I’m 33, Alice. I need to take this chance now. If I don’t, I’ll get back into the nine to five, and keep putting it off. You know what it’s like, there’s never a perfect time, is there?’
Alice didn’t have a chance to answer as Esme’s phone started ringing. It was Helena. ‘Hey, Hels, everything okay?’ There was a pause on the other end of the line. ‘Helena? Are you all right?’
‘Umm … not really, love, I’ve got some bad news.’
Esme’s heart sank. What else could’ve happened? It was only ten o’clock. What else could have gone wrong already? Was she being sued by Felicity? Oh, please God, don’t let her be sued by Felicity. ‘What is it?’
‘I’m so sorry, honey, but Mark just told me he thinks Leo’s moving in some new woman.’
‘What?’
‘I hate telling you this over the phone but Mark just rang him to arrange coming to get your stuff. He thought the quicker we get this all sorted the better. Leo said he needs as much out as possible in the next few days and Mark said, “Why? Have you got someone moving in already?” and he went really quiet and mumbled something, then said he had to go and hung up. We just thought you should know.’
Esme felt numb and her mind stopped working. ‘Oh, right.’ The trouble was it had been Leo’s place originally and she’d moved in three years ago, but it had never completely felt like home. Without thinking, he’d refer to it as his place and it had stung. Now he’d tossed her out and moved someone else in. The scumbag.
‘Mark’s going to get the stuff tomorrow; I think Eric’s helping. I’m so sorry, honey. It might just be a guilty conscience, but you know what Mark’s like. He’s got second sight when it comes to this sort of thing. He doesn’t normally get signs wrong.’
Esme nodded, but forgot to speak, her mind frozen. Like a fool she’d believed Leo when he said he thought they’d become more like friends and had sat here defending him to her mum and sister. Esme had hated the idea of their relationship ending but could accept it if growing apart was the reason. It felt more respectful somehow for them to have simply changed over time. But this? Cheating? This was just nasty.
‘Esme?’
‘Can I speak to you later, Helena? I’m with Alice right now.’
‘Yeah, of course. I’m so sorry, honey. We all love you and he’s a shit. Say hi to Alice for me.’ Esme hung up and told Alice.
‘That dirty rotten bastard,’ Alice shouted, then glanced over her shoulder to check Daniel hadn’t come into the kitchen. ‘He must have been seeing her behind your back for ages. You don’t just move someone in a day after you’ve chucked your current girlfriend unless something has been going on for a while. He must have had it all planned. What an absolute �
��’ She trailed away seeing Esme’s face.
A sharp pain shot though her temples and her head ached. Her heart thumped hard in her chest. At least it was still beating, she reminded herself. Even with all this. It was broken, but beating. Alice took Esme’s hands in hers and looked her straight in the eye.
‘I’m so sorry, Ezzy. But we’ll make this work, I promise. All of us together. We’ll make this work. And soon this’ll be the best thing that’s ever happened to you.’
Esme placed her hand on top of Alice’s, sniffing back tears. ‘I love you, sis. But we’d better remove all the sharp objects before we tell Mum.’ Alice nodded and quickly hid the knife block behind the bread bin.
As expected, Carol went off like a rocket and when later that day Esme told her dad, he pursed his lips in outrage, which was quite a lot from him. That night, in the little box room at her parents’ house, in her old single bed, Esme cried and cried until she could hardly breathe. A pile of tissues lay on the floor beside her and were scattered over the duvet. Her old Nirvana posters stared at her, Kurt Cobain’s eyes making her feel watched and judged. Finally, in the early hours of the morning, in the still, quiet house, in the still, quiet cul-de-sac, Esme fell asleep, wondering how she’d gone from living her best life to being at the bottom of the scrap heap without a hope in hells chance of climbing back up to the top.
Chapter 4
Sandchester
Joe scratched the back of his head, checked around for customers, and gave the photocopier a swift kick. The damn thing was playing up again and had been for ages. If the paper wasn’t getting stuck, it decided it had run out of toner and he had to get down on his hands and knees and wiggle different bits about until the annoying red light stopped flashing. It wasn’t that he knew what he was doing. It was just that being the youngest of the office staff by a good twenty years, it was supposed he knew more about technology than the rest of them. He didn’t.
Fridays at the estate agents were always quiet for some reason. Maybe people didn’t want the hassle of tidying their houses and making them presentable for viewings, and those who were buying left all the looking for Saturdays, when they could do so without worrying about taking time off work. Either way, he was fed up. He’d completed all the admin he had to do, and the four games of solitaire he’d just played on his computer had done nothing to alleviate his boredom.