by Katie Ginger
‘Yeah, but it’ll be fine. We’ve already agreed this is to help grow the blog and not a real competition. Plus I plan to soak her in booze so she’ll be all chilled out by the time we actually finish.’
‘What a fab idea,’ Carol said, smiling. ‘I’m so proud of my girls.’ Her red cheeks told Esme, and from the sly grin on Alice’s face, her too, that their mum was edging from tiddly to drunk.
As the afternoon grew dark and Daniel’s happy playing turned into overtired tantrums, Alice and Sean went home, dropping Esme off on the way. Before she left, Esme hugged her mum and dad. ‘Thank you so much for everything you’ve done for me since I got home. I don’t think I’d have got through it without you.’
Carol cupped her cheek. ‘You are wonderful, my girl, and an amazing cook. You can make this work, I know you can. And we will always be here for you.’
Esme felt the tears in her eyes as her dad moved forward and wrapped his arms around her. ‘You can do it, little one. We’re very proud of you.’
‘Thank you.’ Esme wiped her nose and climbed into the car, squished between Daniel’s sleepy body and the presents shoved in the back. As he nestled in, she wondered how she could ever have spent Christmas anywhere else, but that didn’t stop her heart hurting all over again from Joe’s betrayal, or her confusion at Leo’s unexpected text.
Chapter 29
Sandchester
Esme was up early, preparing for the Boxing Day Bake Off, still wearing her pyjamas with a giant oversized jumper and her usual fluffy bed socks. Where the oven was on and the log fire burning, the house was warm, and she fidgeted with excitement waiting for her friends to arrive. Outside, shades of purple, navy and grey mixed together as the sun rose lazily. A strong wind had blown the thick cover of dark clouds away and the sky was clearing. She could hear birds singing and see their nests in the bare trees. She loved this time of the day, being up early, pottering around in the cottage, watching the world come to life. Strangely, it didn’t make her feel lonely. It made her feel alive and like she was watching something other people missed.
After getting dressed, Esme set up the camera and made sure the place was picture-perfect. She began preparing different ingredients, dividing them in two so that she and Helena could have half each and see what delights they could come up with. Each ingredient was placed in a pretty dish and ordered so they looked good on camera. Before long, the gang had arrived and Esme opened some fizz and filled the waiting glasses.
Mark was the first to hug her, waving a present in the air as he walked in. Helena followed, then Lola, who had given up Boxing Day with Eric to be there. Esme gave her an extra special cuddle. Before they began the broadcast that was supposed to start at eleven, they exchanged gifts and toasted Christmas huddled by the fire.
‘How was yesterday?’ asked Helena, already tucking into the nougat Esme had made her. It was her favourite, even though she always pronounced it nuggit.
‘Do you know, it was one of the best Christmas Days I’ve ever had.’ Despite Joe, she thought. ‘I really don’t know why I’ve not felt like this before. I think that, the last few years with Leo, it’s been a lot of dashing around between his family and mine, and lots of parties with his work colleagues and bosses. Plus he always found Mum so full-on, we never stayed for that long.’ Esme frowned. How had she let that happen? She’d let her family down by being so wrapped up in Leo and living the life she thought she should have. ‘This time I’ve been able to really enjoy it, being with my family, cooking and baking here in the cottage.’
‘You seem very relaxed,’ said Mark. Esme had made him a bottle of homemade Christmas vodka but it was just a tad too early to start on that yet. Even Esme drew the line at consuming hard liquor before lunchtime.
‘I am. And thanks for being here, Lola. I know that you’re missing out on the day with Eric.’
‘Oh, hush, don’t be silly,’ she said, a chocolate truffle pushing out the side of her cheek as she spoke with her mouthful. ‘He can manage without me for one day.’
A playlist of Christmas songs was on repeat on her laptop and after finishing their drinks, Esme stood up. ‘Right, before we get started I’ve got something else for you all for the vlog.’ Excitedly, Esme ran to a corner cupboard and pulled out a Christmas gift bag. She brought it over and began giving out Christmas headbands. Mark’s had enormous elf ears and a little hat, Helena had reindeer ears, Lola wore red and white striped candy canes, and Esme proudly put on hers that had two light-up presents, bobbling about on springs.
Mark giggled at Helena, Helena asked Lola to swap but she refused, and Esme couldn’t stop laughing at all of them. ‘Ready to get started then? It’s two minutes to eleven.’ Everyone nodded, a tangible excitement filling the cottage as Helena made one last attempt to swipe Lola’s headband off her head but only managed to knock it down into her eyes. Lola quickly pushed it up and Esme turned on the camera and gave her introduction like a pro.
‘Hi everyone, thanks so much for joining us today for our live Boxing Day Bake Off!’ For some reason Esme did jazz hands and the others joined in. She could see they were nervous but Esme was used to this now. So much had gone wrong on previous occasions she couldn’t imagine what else could, and so she began safe in the knowledge things would be fine. ‘So, Helena here, who is one of my bestest friends, is also a food technologist and an amazing cook. So, what I’ve done is split the ingredients into two piles. Mark here—’ Mark waved and winked at the camera‘—is going to work with Helena and the lovely Lola—’ Lola gave a small wiggle of her fingers‘—is going to work with me and we’ll see what we can come up with.’ Esme looked directly to camera and leaned over the counter to talk to the audience. ‘I’ll be honest, guys, I’ve no idea how this is going to go. We’ve got Buck’s Fizz, this lot are crazy and even more sweary than me sometimes, so I’ve given you all fair warning. It’s going to be noisy and chaotic so all I can say is, pop open the bubbly, put your feet up and try and enjoy it, yeah?’ She turned to her friends. ‘But guys, it is only 11 a.m., so please try not to swear.’ Esme gave a cheeky wink at the camera and the cooking began.
How her viewers heard anything over the laughing she had no idea. Mark spent the entire time either nibbling the supplies or trying to sabotage Esme and Lola, even though Lola mainly sat on a stool drinking bubbly and not doing very much else. Helena was getting more and more cross with Mark for messing about, and a tiny bit bossy, which was exactly what Esme had expected, but amongst all of this, they were joking and giggling. Mark, now wearing a tinsel scarf as well as his elf ears, threw a tea towel at Lola who nearly fell off her chair trying to catch it. Esme topped up Helena’s drink in an effort to slow her down.
Just as Esme was describing the quick cheats chutney she was making, an unexpected knock on the door threw her flow. Faced with the instant decision to keep going or stop the broadcast, Esme’s brain froze until Mark said, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll get it, you keep going.’ Esme carried on talking, covering the noise of him rushing to the door and pulling it open. Mark was an expert of getting rid of people nicely, so Esme knew it wouldn’t take long. But when he opened the door, Esme nearly dropped her mixing bowl as her fingers became weak and she forced her eyes to focus on the figure in the doorway.
‘Leo? What are you doing here?’ He marched into the cottage, forcing his way into the kitchen and causing Helena to swerve out of his path. Esme’s eyes narrowed on him, checking he was really there. Leo tried to smile as his polished brogues tapped on the floor, his hands deep in the pockets of his long coat. She could see the nervousness in his eyes and read it in his simpering smile. As he came nearer, Esme could feel her heartbeat quicken. He was as handsome as ever, even with that strange grin. His sandy blond hair had grown a bit and he brushed it back with a sweep of his hand. He was his normal assertive, focused self but Esme sensed a hint of vulnerability that hadn’t been there before.
‘Esme,’ Leo said, his strong voice overriding the music. He took off hi
s coat, folded it and placed it on the side under the window but not before examining it for dirt. Had he always done things like that? Mark, Helena and Lola were staring at each other. Another Christmas song started playing in the background but it seemed excessively loud to Esme. When she tried to speak, her voice sounded even squeakier than when she heard herself on her videos.
‘Leo, what are you doing here?’
He glanced down at his shoes then back at her face. ‘I wanted to see you – I had to see you.’ His eyes ran up and down the length of her body, appraising her. ‘You look amazing. A bit pale, but …’ Mark tutted and rolled his eyes. Lola was grimacing like she wanted to punch him and Helena placed a hand on her arm as if forcing her back. ‘I mean, you still look fantastic. Have you been running more? You look more … toned.’
She wasn’t more toned, that was a lie. She’d put on a little bit of weight actually, not that she cared. Unable to be swayed by his flattery, Esme said, ‘That doesn’t answer my question, Leo. What do you want?’
‘I’ve made a dreadful mistake, Esme. Can we talk?’
‘Talk about what?’
Mark began whispering something to Esme and motioning towards the living room, but she was so caught up in the moment she couldn’t make out what he was getting at, and didn’t want to be distracted from Leo’s sudden appearance. The large open fire crackled and burned in the grate but despite its heat, Esme’s body had gone cold and she shivered. She kept her face blank. She didn’t want Leo having any idea what she was thinking, or see how shocked she was. She’d never imagined this would happen. Leo was always so sure of everything he did. He’d always been super-focused, planning out his entire life. He knew what he wanted to achieve by the age of 30, then when he’d hit 30, he started working on ‘life goals,’ as he liked to call them, for when he was 40, even 50. Looking back, it had been exhausting. Whenever he started having his planning evenings, Esme used to settle down with a good book and a glass of wine and nod at the appropriate moments. His stupid five-year personal plans to ‘get where you want to be’ were a complete waste of time because life didn’t treat you like that. It liked to take you on bizarre twists and turns and derail all your plans and smash you into a million pieces only to make you try and pick yourself up again and again. That he was here now, admitting to having made a mistake, was unbelievable. He’d certainly seemed sure when he told her it was over.
‘I miss you.’
Just then there was another knock at the door. Esme turned to Mark who was already moving to get it. ‘What the hell is going on?’ she said to herself. ‘It’s like Piccadilly Circus in here today.’
‘For the middle of nowhere it is bloody busy,’ said Mark as he opened the door again. This time, as he stepped aside, Esme’s heart thudded violently like it was trying to punch its way out of her body. It was Joe, standing on her doorstep without a coat, shivering. He must have been watching the broadcast and driven straight here when Leo turned up. Well, if he was here to dish out advice to her he could naff off too. Joe edged into the room but stayed in the living room.
‘I’ve made a mistake, Esme,’ Leo said again. ‘I really miss you.’
‘I thought you were seeing someone else?’ There was no way she was going to make this easy for him. ‘Veronica? Your boss?’
‘I was. I—’ He shook his head. ‘We finished. It didn’t work out. I don’t know what I was thinking, Esme. As soon as I let you go, I knew I’d made the biggest mistake of my life. I can’t exist without you. Or your cooking,’ he joked.
Esme didn’t smile. ‘You can live without me, Leo. Clearly. You’ve been doing just that. You were sneaking around behind my back, weren’t you? Cheating on me with Veruca, or whatever her name is.’
‘Veronica,’ he mumbled, keeping his eyes on the floor.
She didn’t want to make a scene, but she hadn’t had chance to say all this to him and now he was here she wanted him to know how much it had hurt – how much he’d put her through. ‘How long were you seeing her behind my back, Leo?’
He raised his head. ‘I didn’t mean for it to happen like that, Esme. It was just one of those things.’
‘It wasn’t one of those things, Leo. It was my life – our life!’
‘It was an acc—’
‘Do not tell me it was an accident.’ She felt herself warm up from the fire growing inside her and was jabbing her finger at him. ‘No one accidentally starts sleeping with someone else behind their partner’s back. You don’t accidentally take all your clothes off and end up in bed with someone else, having sex.’ For a second she hoped Joe didn’t think she was a psycho, but then she reminded herself not to care about him either. And Leo had this coming.
‘Listen, Esme, I made a mistake and I’m sorry.’
‘So what do you want? What are you doing down here in the sticks, Leo? I live here now. You threw me out of your flat and I’ve got a place here in Sandchester. What do you expect to happen now?’
He reached out, trying to take her hand but she pulled it away. ‘Esme, I’ve realised what a mistake I made. You can come home with me. We can give it another go.’
Esme couldn’t speak. She felt like her world was in a snow globe and someone kept picking it up and shaking it, turning everything upside down. She watched Leo’s handsome face and his dark grey eyes that she had stared into so many times, thinking he was the one. She’d wanted so badly to return to her London life when she first arrived. She wanted to be near her friends, be in the city, the centre of the world again. And she’d missed the Leo she’d loved so much before things had started to go wrong. Could she go back now?
Joe suddenly ran around the counter and into the kitchen. Next to Leo he was even more handsome with his dark, slightly fluffy hair and clear green eyes the colour of moss. Exactly the same colour of the moss that grew in the back garden. His eyes were focused on Esme with an intensity she hadn’t experienced before and a tightness squeezed her chest. ‘Esme—’
‘And what are you doing here, Joe? Why haven’t you got a coat on?’ It was a silly question, she knew, but amongst all the confusion the words were out before she could stop them.
‘You can’t go back to him, Esme, you can’t—’
‘Hey,’ said Leo, turning to Joe, but seeing the size of him Leo shrank back. Esme knew he wouldn’t fight for her physically. He could talk a good game, but he wasn’t one for fisticuffs.
‘Esme, he doesn’t love you. Not like I do.’
‘What?’ Esme froze, her stomach knotting tighter. Love her? What the hell was happening now?
Joe carried on, his face and voice pleading. Leo stared at him, as shocked as Esme was. ‘I love you, Esme. More than anything in the world. After Clara, I didn’t think I’d ever fall in love again, then you walked back into my life and things started changing. Please, don’t go back to this …’ he looked Leo up and down, ‘… This yuppie.’
Leo’s mouth dropped open. ‘Now hang on a minute—’
Unfazed, and not in the least bit intimidated, Joe turned to him. ‘Listen here, pal, you left Esme because you didn’t realise how amazing and special she is. That was your loss. You can’t come crawling back now.’
‘Crawling back?’ Leo’s face flooded with embarrassment. ‘I wouldn’t put it quite like that!’
Esme’s eyes pinned on Leo. ‘How would you put it then, Leo?’
Just as she’d expected, he ignored her question, too embarrassed to admit the truth. ‘Esme, you’re not going to listen to this, are you?’
Hearing Joe’s words and looking at Leo, Esme felt that she was seeing Leo’s true colours for the first time, but her mind was a tidal wave of confusion. Everything Joe was saying seemed like the nice and kind guy she’d seen every time they were together, but then there was everything that had happened at the Christmas Eve party. ‘How can you say all this to me, Joe? The other night – your girlfriend!—’ She flung her arms in the air, exasperated. This was the craziest situation she’d ever found
herself in. And considering she’d once had to hand-paint a burger with melted Vaseline, that was saying something.
Joe stared at her, his brow furrowed. ‘My girlfriend?’
Esme raised her eyebrows in disbelief. ‘Long chocolate brown hair, gorgeous eyes? You called her your angel.’
Joe’s head shot up. ‘Her name is Angel. She’s my cousin.’
Esme’s body froze. ‘Angel’s her name?’
Joe smiled and nodded.
‘What sort of a name is that?’
‘It is a bit unconventional,’ he conceded. ‘Her parents were hippies.’
‘But she said she needed to see you.’
‘Yeah, she’s buying a house and had some questions, that’s all.’ Suddenly Joe’s face betrayed him. ‘Did you think she was my girlfriend?’ Esme nodded slowly, like he was complete idiot. ‘That explains why you ran away on Christmas Eve and didn’t answer my texts. I didn’t call yesterday because I knew how much you were looking forward to Christmas Day with your family and I didn’t want to disturb you.’
‘Um, excuse me,’ said Leo, stepping slightly forwards. ‘Esme, I’m stood here telling you I love you. Won’t you come back with me? Try again? Things can be like they were before.’
In the back of her mind she heard her father’s voice and remembered his words to her when she first came home. He’d told her to never go back. And he was right. Esme could never trust Leo now. She couldn’t go back in time to make him the Leo he’d been before things had started to go wrong. Before they’d begun to grow apart, though she hadn’t realised before this moment that that’s what had happened. She could never go back to the flat – she would never feel truly safe there. He might toss her out again at a moment’s notice if someone else caught his eye. Leo had gone behind her back and cheated and if he’d done it once, he could do it again. No. She could never trust him now. He’d been deceitful and more than anything, it was that she could never forgive.