by Claire Angel
I could never steal anything and not feel the overwhelming guilt that followed. It was a curse and a blessing at the same time. I was through playing by my father’s rules and living underneath his roof where nobody could hear us scream. I felt like I was walking on broken glass around him. It was an effort to keep him happy and the only thing that seemed to do that was a fistful of dollars.
I would always keep some in reserve not letting him know that there was a small cachet of money hidden in the house for emergencies. The rest was used for him to spend on beer and lottery tickets looking for that next big score. He had done everything he could to cut me down and make me feel like a worthless piece of…
I wanted that man that I would spend the rest of my life treasuring.
“I admire that you still have the ability to dream after everything that you have gone through. It’s a testament to your character that you can still smile and look toward a better future by going to night school.” She said with admiration in the tone of her voice.
The way that she put her hand on my shoulder in a reassuring gesture of good faith made me believe that I didn’t have to face this alone.
“It’s nice to hear that you admire me, but that’s not going to give me what I need to break the cycle of violence once and for all. Dreaming is for fools. I might still be at an impressionable age, but the blinders have been taken off of my eyes,” I said rallying the troops and making a conscious effort to see this through no matter where it took me.
“I have to warn you that Frank is only interested in those that he has been with before. I’m on his short list and I plan to keep myself relevant. He doesn’t go anywhere without his best friend Edward tagging along. I’m not suggesting that you have to do anything with him, but try to be friendly,” She said with a compact mirror open in front of her to put on the war paint going into the battle of the sexes.
“I will try to be on my best behavior,” I icily said with the indication that throwing myself at any man was going to make me lose a part of my soul.
“You do that, and I’ll make sure that my bad behavior makes up for your good behavior. I won’t be able to stay with you for obvious reasons. Scream and I will come running. Edward isn’t exactly the kind of guy that I would wish for you. He might have some redeeming qualities, but I haven’t found them yet,” She warned giving me a heads up and looking at me to make sure that I understood the underlying meaning of her words.
“I don’t know about this.” I said with my lip quivering in fear of doing something against my better judgment
“Most of these guys just want something different. There’s no harm in starting off with a little bit of small talk. Try something simple like the weather and broach the topic about what they do for a living. They’re very proud of their accomplishments and don’t mind bragging about them,” She said giving me pointers and advice that I was going to take to heart.
We drove up to the club and the glitz and glamour of the lights along with the music made me hesitant to get out of the cab.
“Wow... Frank and Edward are here. You don’t have to even get inside the club. Girl, you are so lucky to have these guys on your first day.” Ellie said with a huge smile on her face as she has found a large hoard of wealth.
“Let’s make some good deals for tonight.” She said hopping out of the car.
I saw them standing there and I began to shake my head back and forth. My earring came loose and I bent over to retrieve it with this feeling that somebody was watching me.
The two boys were handsome. They looked rich too. One of them, definitely was Frank, hugged Ellie and held her butt with one of his hands. That made me more nervous and I didn’t dare to get out the cab.
The other Boy was standing beside them and was trying look inside the cab to catch a sight of me.
Ellie and Frank asked me to come out of the car. This time I was left with no excuse. I had to sit on front seat of the car with Edward, which I hadn’t expected. I never wanted to be with a man like this.
When Edward brushed his hand against mine hand I jumped. My heartbeat started racing 10 times faster. I kept looking outside the window to avoid him.
But the way he behaved after this was unexpected. He didn’t act the way that Ellie made him sound.
The night was a dismal failure and I couldn’t seem to get out of my own way. He tried to advance and I defensively put on the brakes acting like a nervous Nellie.
I didn’t enjoy the way that he was trying to constantly invade my personal space. One brief touch and I was practically going through the ceiling.
I was expecting a callous man that didn’t want to take no for an answer. Each time I denied him, I felt like two cents, but he was remarkably understanding about my feelings.
Just when I was feeling a little better was when he once again tried to get a little closer. It wasn’t like Edward was manhandling me or trying to jump my bones.
But I ended up spilling my drink and going upstairs to have a shower to wash it out of my hair.
*
“I wish that you were here with me, Mama. I’m sure that you are disappointed in your little girl. No more than I am disappointed with myself. I can’t in good conscience continue this charade, but what the hell is the alternative?” I asked myself out loud so that I could hear my voice cracking with the tears in my eyes streaming down my face.
I finally bolstered my courage. What was he thinking about me?
He didn’t deserve this kind of treatment.
How could I justify my actions?
I grabbed his shirt after toweling off and I could smell the faint scent of his cologne still in the fabric. I took a huge whiff and my eyes almost went into the back of my head with the kind of pleasure it inflicted.
I didn’t want to go back out into the hallway. I knew that he was waiting for me and it scared me to think about his hands touching me inappropriately.
I heard Frank’s voice announcing that dinner was served and then Ellie coaxing me downstairs to join them.
I gave him a meek smile when I opened the door trying to be courteous, but not leaving any doubt that my virtue was still intact.
He followed me from behind down the stairs and I was reasonably certain that the shirt did very little to hide my shame.
Chapter 3
~Edward~
I watched her closely, ignoring how Frank couldn’t seem to take his hands off of Ellie. He was an insatiable pig with a sexual appetite that rivaled my own. It would’ve been nice to show Grace a bit of affection, but I was afraid of having my face slapped for the effort.
“What are you studying to be?” I asked with her turning towards me looking a little shocked that I had given her future any further thought than this night.
“I’ve always wanted to help people, but I have this passion for uncovering people’s dirty laundry. It might not seem like a lofty goal, but those people despicable enough to hide their true face makes it necessary for someone to come along to pull off the mask.” She said with conviction in her eyes blazing with indignation.
“What kind of career can come from that?” I said with curiosity welling up inside of me.
The giggles of the two sex addicts were lost in translation. I found myself interested to know more about Grace. She was a whisper of smoke and would disappear after this night.
“I’m thinking about journalism. I’m willing to pay my dues by climbing the ladder of success. I’ll start with the fluff pieces and obituaries before working my way up to political corruption. There are some bad people in this world that need to be pulled in from the dark into the light where they can be blinded by their crimes,” She said taking a bite of the noodles and swirling them on the fork like somebody would with spaghetti.
The clear choice was Chinese Food and very few people could deny the guilty pleasure of spicy egg rolls at midnight. She had made up her mind about her uncertain future and I felt that I wanted to do something to help.
Frank was f
eeding one of those spicy egg rolls to Ellie and she gratefully consumed it with a little giggle of appreciation. It dawned on me that she was playacting and it usually never bothered me.
“I do have some connections that I could introduce you to. No strings attached. I can help get you through those doors, but once you get your foot in, it’s up to you to go the rest of the way. I’m offering this out of the goodness of my heart no matter what you think to the contrary,” I grumbled, but I didn’t hear her say anything that would make me think that she had taken any offense to what I said.
“I hope you don’t take this the wrong way. I’ve never taken a handout in my life and I’m not about to start now. I suspect your motives are pure, but I don’t want to be beholden to anybody. I’ve learned the hard way that you only get out of this life what you put into it,” She complained, with that white shirt hanging off of her body making her look too cute for words.
“We’re going to take this upstairs. I’ve convinced her to play a game where sex and food go hand in hand. Enjoy the rest of your evening. I suspect that you won’t see us until morning. We might even sleep through breakfast,” Frank said with words that made me believe that not much sleeping was going to get done.
“I’m sure that we can find something to do in your absence. There might be some board games around here that are kicking around somewhere,” I suggested not really in the mood to play any games that didn’t involve getting underneath the sheets.
Grace’s complexion didn’t look healthy and I could see that her eyelids were getting heavy. It must have taken a lot out of her emotionally to play defense all night. I felt that I was to blame and wanted to do something to make up for my unfortunate behaviour.
“That sounds like fun. There’s nothing like a game of battleships to get that blood pumping. I have a better way and my partner is on the same wavelength,” Frank said slapping me on the back before lifting Ellie over his shoulder and carrying her upstairs.
Ellie was laughing and taking no offence to how he easily overpowered her.
It was the first time in my life that I didn’t feel like I was getting the short end of the stick.
Grace was a breath of fresh air in a sea of a bevy of beauties that were only looking to get their hands in my pocket. Her ambitions and dreams weren’t fairy tales. She had the drive and the tenacity to go far with the right guidance.
We finished the meal and I did the honour of washing the dishes with her drying by my side. It was easy to see that she was not like any other girl and I didn’t want her to be.
Corrupting her would’ve been a crying shame and would have left her with a bad taste in her mouth from doing something that she would consider reprehensible.
“You don’t look like you are going to be able to keep your eyes open,” I said
“Don’t take that as an invite to put your tongue down my throat,” She warned with her hands over her chest in the sign of the religious cross.
“I would never dream of doing anything that you don’t want to do,” I countered hoping that she would see that she had nothing to worry about.
“You can’t say that you haven’t thought about getting your hands in my pants. Your intention has been written all over your face with every word that comes out of your mouth. I really don’t want to be responsible for what happens if you take things too far,” She muttered underneath her breath with the true meaning behind the words like a slap to my face.
“Come with me and I will show you where you’re going to be sleeping tonight without me,” I retorted making it sound like I wouldn’t waste my breath trying to convince her otherwise.
“That’s the one thing you have said all night that hasn’t made my skin crawl. It’s not really anything you have done, but I know this wasn’t your idea. You would probably have more fun with somebody else. You can still go out and I will be perfectly fine on my own,” She said slurring her words and swaying on her feet with the liquor running through her veins making her more talkative.
I had seen her indulge by drinking from Ellie’s glass. She must have needed the liquid courage.
“I’m not going anywhere and there’s nothing that you can say that will make me abandon you,” I shot back to make her see that I wasn’t the kind of man that she had encountered before.
She stumbled and broke one of her heels almost falling on her face. I reached out and grabbed her by the back of my shirt preventing a nasty fall.
“I’m not feeling very well, but don’t think for one second that means that you can take advantage of me in my vulnerable state,” She warned with her finger pressing into my chest in a defiant drunken gesture to put me in my place.
I put her arm around my shoulder and lifted her legs into my arms. She was playfully spider-crawling her fingers down my back-causing signals to be sent to a certain part of my anatomy. I tried to ignore them, but my member was saluting with all 8 inches.
She was looking at me through glassy eyes, but she was still fully aware of what was going on around her. Her cognitive functions might’ve been slightly influenced by the liquor in her system, but she wasn’t going to do anything that would be followed by the walk of shame in the morning.
“I know you don’t want to hear this, but I can’t do this. I thought I could, but there's still an inkling of self-control that I can’t ignore. You have my blessing to cut your losses. Just don’t think that you have the license to hurt me out of spite,” She gulped and looked at me to see that I wasn’t mad or even slightly perturbed.
“You have no fear from me,” I blurted out.
“There might be some good ones still left. I think that you even surprised yourself by how you have behaved tonight. You’re not what I was expecting. Tonight, might be a new starting for you,” She challenged making me see that my cavalier attitude toward women might seem a little irksome.
“I’m not sure that you can teach old dogs new tricks. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you can lower your guard around me,” I cautioned as I walked into the bedroom and deposited her on the bed.
I moved a strand of hair away from her eyes to look at those liquid pools that were the windows to the soul. Her body was a work of art that hadn’t been marred by the brush stroke of a man that didn’t know what he was doing.
I wanted to be with her.
Was there even a chance to make this a night that I was going to remember forever?
Did I have the right to touch perfection?
There was a fire and I was afraid of touching it at the risk of getting burned...
“You could probably have your way with me and I wouldn’t be able to fight back,” She acknowledged that she was in a weakened state. She had no idea that she had the kind of power to make men weep on their knees.
I touched her arm and she cringed. I wanted to be near her. I could testify to the beauty that was inside and out. There was no mercy and I was powerless to resist the natural charm of her soft skin. My fingertips moved delicately along her arm to stroke the inside of her cheek.
She was shivering. But I had no control over my emotions.
I got on my hands and kissed her forehead. She closed her eyes with her hands to her side completely immobile. She probably thought this was the only way that she was going to find the money needed to make her dreams come true.
I felt like my lust for her was nothing but a monster that was hiding underneath her bed. I turned her face towards me and I lingered with my lips close to what I could only perceive was heaven. I kissed her nose and then her cheeks before zeroing in on those crimson lips. I brushed them innocently and I thought for a moment we were going to make out like lovesick teenagers in the back seat of a car.
But I could see the tears in her eyes and it stopped me cold.
Frozen in place and unable to move, made me push away from her. I sat on the edge of the bed contemplating what to do. There was no way that I was going to touch her when she didn’t want anything to do with it
What
was wrong?
Was it her first time?
Did I do something wrong?
I felt the bed shift and I glanced over my shoulder to see her standing at the window with both hands on the pane of cold glass. She turned and we made eye contact with the unspoken truth drifting in the air. I couldn’t do anything that was going to make her unhappy.
“You don’t have to say anything. I made a mistake and it won’t happen again,” I admitted.
She looked like she was going to say something, but she refrained.
I went out into the hallway and heard moans of encouragement coming. I should’ve been jealous. I should’ve been angry. I should’ve been a lot of things, but Grace had given me something more than any roll in the hay could ever do.
She gave me a look at myself and the ugly side of my personality. She made me want to be a better man. I had no idea how to go about it and it scared me to think that the old Edward was disappearing.
I went downstairs and lay down on the couch listening to the screams of their unbridled passion. I put my pillow over my head to drown them out, but it wasn’t easy. They still rattled around in my brain until I finally closed my eyes and was able to fall asleep.