by Price, Sarah
“And . . . ?”
Amanda shook her head and swallowed the last bite of her sugar cookie. “Nothing.” She sighed. Considering all of the weight that she had lost and the long days filled with appointments and interviews, Amanda hadn’t been surprised when her cycle eventually arrived, just two weeks ago. Disappointed, yes. But, in hindsight, not surprised. “Maybe this month, ja?” She smiled at her sister.
“God willing,” Anna said softly. “I’ll keep you in my prayers, Schwester.”
Amanda knew that the matter of becoming pregnant was in God’s hands. She fought the urge to ask him why she wasn’t pregnant yet. Oh, how she wanted a baby—Alejandro’s baby! She wanted to share the love of a child with her husband, to see his eyes glow as he looked down into the face of their boppli. While she knew that, once they had a child, his schedule would not change, at least not much, she also knew that she didn’t care about that. As long as she could hold their child in her arms and sing soft hymns while the baby nursed from her breast, Amanda would be happy. Besides, she had been raised in a culture where it was mostly the role of the women to care for the infants and always without complaint.
“Danke, Anna,” Amanda whispered. “And I, you.”
“My turn for a question,” Anna said, changing both the tone and the subject of their conversation. “I read in your letter to Mamm that you are going to South America.” Something sparkled in her sister’s eyes. “Aren’t you afraid, Amanda?”
“Of what?”
“Oh now! You sound surprised!” Anna leaned back in her seat and played with the edge of her napkin. “You must be a little frightened, ja?”
In that moment, she looked like the Anna from their childhood: young, fearful, reserved. Amanda felt a sudden epiphany as she realized that, while she had changed over the past year, her sister had not. The differences between their lives had created a gap between them. Amanda’s world was so different now and her future so unclear that she found it difficult to explain to Anna what she truly felt.
“Nee, Anna,” Amanda finally said. “I’m not frightened. It’s not like you imagine. These places are just cities. Like Philadelphia or New York.”
Anna shuddered.
“Well, maybe not exactly like those places,” Amanda added, knowing that Anna’s experiences with those cities did not extend beyond the train stations they’d passed through when their parents had sent them to Ohio the previous year. “And with Alejandro . . . oh, how can I explain it, Anna? It’s not truly Englische life.”
“It’s certainly not Amish life.” Anna lifted an eyebrow.
Amanda ignored this remark and sought the right words to help her sister understand. “His life is . . . different, Anna. As different from the Englische as we are from them. Wherever we travel, there are people who take care of us. His fans adore him, and there are very few places that we can go where people do not recognize him and crowd him. So it isn’t as if we will travel to these places and see the sights very much. I’ve come to learn that travel with Alejandro is a lot of time spent on airplanes or in cars, being transported to new locations, and lots of appointments. It’s pretty much the same, wherever we go.”
“That doesn’t sound like much of a life, Amanda.”
On the surface, Amanda would have agreed. But Anna was forgetting one important element: Alejandro.
“I can’t explain it,” she sighed. “I wish that I could, but I can’t.”
Amanda knew that Anna loved Jonas. When she and Anna had been in Ohio and Amanda had wanted to return home, she had seen the glow on her sister’s face. Like most Amish youth, Anna had remained quiet about the source of that glow. But Amanda hadn’t needed to speculate too much. She had seen the way Jonas Wheeler had stared at Anna during the youth singings and gatherings to which their cousin had escorted them. And when Anna began to “disappear” instead of ride home with them afterward, Amanda had known that her sister was secretly being courted by Jonas.
But as it did for most Amish people, their courtship revolved primarily around God and community, not a romantic love. Amanda assumed that Anna and Jonas hadn’t shared a passionate kiss in the buggy on the way home from getting ice cream or danced to provocative music as Amanda had with Alejandro. Certainly Anna had never awoken in Jonas’s arms and traced the outline of tattoos on his chest while he slept. And there were no private jets, two-story penthouses, yachts, or paparazzi in the story of their marriage. There was no explanation of her life that Amanda could give that could possibly help her sister understand.
In the moment of silence during which Amanda realized this, it also dawned on her that Anna might very well be thinking the same thing. The choices that they’d made had changed their lives, and with those changes, the bond between them had also been altered. Still, that didn’t mean that they were no longer sisters or, just as important, friends.
“Ja vell,” Anna finally said, breaking the silence. “I still think traveling to South America sounds very exotic, Amanda. I imagine jungles and colorful birds! Like in that book we both read as children.”
“The I Spy book?” Amanda remembered it well. When the book was opened, each two-page spread showed a different scene with dozens of items hidden in the photo. Each time she and Anna had looked at the pages, they had spotted something new. The beach scene intrigued Amanda the most, for she had wanted very much to stand on the beach in real life—the end of the world as far as she was concerned—and stare out across the sea. Back then, she hadn’t been able to imagine water that stretched far beyond the horizon. Sometimes she had pretended to be standing in that picture book, digging her toes into the sand, her shoulders bare to the sun. Yet when she had stared at that book during her childhood, she had never once even considered the possibility that she might actually get a chance to view both the beach and the horizon from the deck of a yacht.
Alejandro had ensured she could no longer claim such a thing. He had taken her to California and driven her to the ocean, then had actually taken her out on the ocean. He seemed to know every longing that she had, even the secret ones that she would never express.
“I am quite certain it’s nothing like that book,” Amanda said. “Colorful birds and spotted jaguars don’t buy concert tickets.”
They both laughed, the tension from their previous discussion slowly dissipating.
Amanda felt, rather than saw, Alejandro enter the room. As Anna’s eyes flickered in the direction of the door, something changed in her expression. It wasn’t disapproval that Amanda saw there; it was more like a wall surrounded Anna, as if she were guarding herself from outside influences. The familiarity of her reaction struck Amanda. Hadn’t she, too, been that way around the Englische not so long ago? She remembered conjuring up a similar response upon meeting Alejandro for the first time after the accident in New York City. He and his warm smile had made an unforeseen entrance into her hospital room, and Amanda had immediately felt the same way as her sister seemed to now.
“Ladies,” he said, by way of greeting. He stood in the doorway and cleared his throat.
“Back so soon, then?” Amanda stood up and hurried across the floor to meet her husband. “How was the horse auction?”
He let her kiss his cheek and nodded at Anna. “Horse auction was interesting.” He reached down and let his fingers entwine with hers. “Beautiful creatures, those horses. Jake Edwards has raised some of the best. At least it looked that way, from the bidding that went on.”
“Raised some gut money, then?” Anna asked and then continued talking before Alejandro could answer. “I’m not surprised. He tends to those animals like none other. Oh, I wish we could have gone!”
Amanda, however, was glad that she could spend a little time alone with her sister. Even though they were together over the holiday, they hadn’t really been able to visit at the time. Not like today. And considering how busy Alejandro’s tour schedule was for the next
few months, Amanda didn’t know when she would be able to return to Lancaster again.
Everything here was so comforting to her. And familiar. She wanted nothing more than to bottle up the feeling of everything she loved about being home with her family and take it with her. If only she could do that, she thought, life would be perfect.
“Amanda,” Alejandro said when there was a break in the conversation. “Might I speak with you a moment?”
“Is everything all right?”
He had used her name. Not Princesa. Not mi querida, but her name. That always indicated something of a more serious nature.
“Sí, fine, but I need a moment.”
Amanda gave Anna an apologetic look.
“I should be going anyway,” Anna said in her quiet voice, the one that reminded Amanda of the barrier that stood between them. She stood up and pushed her chair back under the small table. “We’ll visit more later, ja?” Without waiting for an answer, Anna walked toward the door, forcing a smile as she passed Alejandro.
He stood there waiting until Anna left.
“Alejandro,” Amanda insisted. “What’s wrong?”
Thrusting his hands into his pockets, he walked toward her. Even dressed in his jeans and boots, he still managed to look sophisticated and in complete control. The odor of the dairy barn lingered on his shirt and a piece of hay clung to the fabric. “I fear I have some bad news,” he said, enunciating each word.
“I imagine so, from the expression on your face.” She reached out to brush the hay from his shoulder, her fingers lingering there for just a moment. He remained so serious and disturbed that she felt panic set in. “What is it? It’s nothing to do with your mother or the tour, is it?”
“The media.”
Just those two words.
The media? The feeling of panic did not leave as Amanda worried that yet another story about them had been reported in the tabloids. What on earth could it be this time? she wondered. The last tabloid story had nearly destroyed their faith in their marriage. Luckily, they had learned an important lesson: question everything printed in the media. Amanda braced herself for whatever he was about to tell her.
“It’s all right,” she said. “We can get through it, Alejandro.”
It seemed to take a few seconds for him to realize what she had meant. “No, that’s not it,” he reassured her. “When I say it’s the media, I mean they are here.”
She felt as if her heart hurt. Here? In Lancaster? Already? Why couldn’t the reporters leave them alone, just for a few short days? This was her time to reconnect with her family, something that was proving to be much more difficult than she had expected. Now, if the paparazzi invaded the farm, it would only make things worse.
“Oh, I see.”
He stood before her as if waiting for her to continue speaking, but she had nothing else to say.
To her surprise, he slipped his hand out of his pocket and extended it toward her, touching his fingers to the back of her neck while his thumb caressed her cheek. “You are so beautiful, Princesa,” he murmured. She shut her eyes and let herself enjoy his uninterrupted attention. “What have I done to deserve someone as good as you?” He took one step forward and pulled her toward him so that her cheek was pressed against his chest. “You tolerate so much with never a complaint. You are a strong woman, no?”
“With you by my side?” She looked up at him. “Ja, I am strong.”
He lowered his head and pressed his lips against hers, his arm tightening around her waist as he kissed her. “That is what I love about you, Amanda,” he whispered.
“That’s it?”
He gave a soft laugh. “One of many things.”
“Much better,” she teased.
“Now, we should go talk to your family, sí?” He took a step backward but still held her hand. “I imagine Jonas knows by now, but your mother will be out of sorts.”
No doubt, Amanda thought. By now, Lizzie should be used to the attention. The paparazzi respected the law enough to not step onto their property. Granted, it was not pleasant knowing that people were lingering in the road and that a police officer was overseeing their behavior and making sure that they obeyed the law. But the paparazzi’s presence didn’t disrupt anyone’s daily routine on the farm. At least, that was how Amanda viewed the situation.
“We aren’t staying so long, Alejandro,” Amanda commented as they walked through the dark room that connected the small grossdaadihaus with the main house. “I’m sure that a few days will be tolerable. Remember when I came home after Daed’s stroke? Even the bishop was tolerant, ja?”
Alejandro pressed his lips together but didn’t reply. She suspected that he was remembering how the bishop had come to the house with the tabloid magazine. Amanda tried to push away the memory of how embarrassed she had felt when her sister confessed that she’d seen at the main grocery store the magazine photos of Alejandro with that horrid Maria. Natural human curiosity led to a propensity for devouring gossip to which not even the Amish were immune. Still, Amanda had been surprised that such news had filtered through to Lititz, Pennsylvania. It wasn’t as if the Amish communities or their neighbors cared much for the world of show business.
In the sitting area of the kitchen, Elias sat in his wheelchair, staring out the windows at the fields. Amanda noticed him as soon as she opened the door and entered the room with Alejandro behind her. Elias glanced up, and Amanda thought she saw him smile at her, a brief sign of joyful recognition. But just as quickly as it had shown up, the sparkle disappeared and he turned his head back to stare at the barren fields that he wouldn’t be able to plow this year.
“Mamm, Anna.” Amanda spoke softly, so as not to disturb her mother as she sat at the table, sorting through fabric that she wanted cut up into four-inch squares. Anna was at the stove, heating up water to make some instant coffee, the mugs and the jar of coffee already on the counter. “Alejandro noticed that the photographers are back,” she said, sliding onto the bench at the table. She reached out and touched one of the squares. “Is this my old dress, Mamm?”
“Ja, it is.” Lizzie snipped at the fabric and another square fluttered down to the table. “Why don’t those horrid people just go away?”
Anna leaned her backside against the counter and crossed her arms over her chest, resting them on her expanding stomach. “They don’t seem to come onto the property, so I don’t quite see what’s of interest to them.” She gave a little laugh. “It isn’t as if the view from the road is so beautiful, ja?”
Amanda appreciated her sister’s comment.
Alejandro cleared his throat. “They will leave when we do, no doubt,” he said.
“No doubt,” Lizzie said through tight-pressed lips.
Without being asked, Amanda began to sort through the squares, putting like fabrics together in a neat pile. “They do go away, ja?”
It was Anna who responded with a chipper, “Oh ja, Amanda. They go away from the road—eventually. But they do seem to linger about the public areas.”
This was news. Amanda hadn’t been told this information. Out of all the letters she’d sent to the farm, only one had been answered, and the brevity of the message had been disappointing. Was this the reason why? Had they not wanted to burden her with the knowledge that the paparazzi never left Lititz? “I had no idea!” She turned to look at Alejandro. “Did you?”
A slight lifting of his shoulders answered her question.
“Why didn’t anyone tell me?”
Anna busied herself with making the coffee. “I reckon a body can get used to anything,” she said. Steaming water splashed against the sides of the mug in her hand. “Isn’t like there’s anything you can do about it, ja?” She put down the kettle. “Coffee for you two?”
Amanda ignored her sister’s question and stared at her mother. “What has the bishop said about this?” She imagined th
at the bishop didn’t need to see much more invasion of paparazzi within his church district in order to follow through on his threats to shun her parents.
“What’s to be said, Amanda?” Lizzie answered. She set down the scissors and pushed away the fabric as she accepted the coffee mug that Anna handed her. “When you leave, they do, too. For the most part.”
“It seems there’s always someone somewhere eager to steal a photo or two. We send Harvey to the store now,” Anna admitted. “He’s not as bothered by them, and they don’t seem as interested in him, anyway.”
Harvey. Of course. That was how Alejandro kept in touch with her family, how they had known when the car service was arriving from the airport and how, undoubtedly, her husband had known that the paparazzi were still lingering in Lancaster County. Yet he had filtered this information, keeping it to himself and not sharing it with her. What else didn’t he share with her? she wondered, feeling both hurt and angry at this deliberate exclusion on his part.
When she turned to look at him, she noticed that there was a distant look in his eyes as he met her gaze. He lifted an eyebrow, and she knew better than to ask him any further questions. Even if she asked him later, in the privacy of the grossdaadihaus, she doubted he would share with her the reasons he had chosen to keep that information to himself. She turned her head away and looked out the window, working hard to maintain her composure. Regardless of Anna’s false bravado, Amanda knew that even though the bishop had demonstrated a more compassionate side during her last trip to Lancaster, he certainly had to be unhappy.
No wonder Alejandro had scheduled such a short visit.
Once again, she found herself confronted with feelings and emotions that she was desperately trying to sort out. It certainly didn’t help that her mother was cutting one of her old Amish dresses into small squares. While Amanda knew that the squares would be used to make a quilt, it pained her to see how emotionless her mother appeared. To her mother, it was merely recycling an old dress. To Amanda, however, it felt like a symbolic gesture of her mother’s acceptance that her daughter was no longer part of the community: not because of shunning, bitterness, or even a fight, but because her departure was accepted as God’s will. Acceptance versus rejection, she wondered. Which one is worse?