by Toni Aleo
Looking down at where he is holding my wrist, I sigh, nodding. “I know.”
He squeezes my wrist once more. “I wouldn’t hold you to any of these rules if I had my choice. Ya know that, right?”
I nod. “I do.”
“And while I support ya, tone it down a bit. Don’t be so blatant about it.”
I look to him, my eyes narrowing a bit. “So, be who I want but within their rules?”
He holds my gaze, his eyes full of pain and worry. I know he has so much to worry for, and I don’t want to add to that. “No, that’s not what I mean at all. I mean, don’t go out of your way to break the rules.”
Pulling my wrist from his grasp, I glare. “Who said I am?”
“Lena, ya know ya can’t be in the pub after six, and then ya kissed the lad? Shit.”
“If I want to go to the pub, I will. I don’t care what time it is, and it wasn’t like I threw him on the bar and fucked him there. I kissed his jaw.”
Declan shakes his head. “Kane said it was like no one else was in the room. Only you two.”
I felt like that, but it didn’t matter. “So?”
He sighs heavily, shaking his head. “Yer right. Keep yer head up. Yeah?”
He doesn’t want to argue with me. I can see that all over his face, and there is no point. I don’t see anything wrong with what I’m doing. Is it against the rules? Sure. Do I care? Not in the least. “Yeah.”
With that, we turn away from each other, and I head out the door. I slam the door behind me, and I’m annoyed with it all. I head down the mountain of stairs before cutting toward the stables. I know Jackson is waiting for me, and I worry he may not be able to ride with me since I’ve taken so long. I need this ride, though. I need to let go of everything that is weighing me down.
And I need to see Jackson.
Reaching the stables, I find him fixing the saddle on Belle. I watch him for a moment. Even in his uniform, I can see his muscles flexing with each move he makes. His eyes are intense as he makes sure everything is correct. When he bites his bottom lip, stroking his fingers over Belle’s mane, my insides go tight.
He drives me wild.
He must have sensed I was there. Looking toward me, he curves his lips. “You’re late.”
“I know, Ma was yelling at me this morning.” Walking toward him, I smile. “Like always.”
He chuckles. “Since everyone was losing their minds when you left last night, I guess it’s safe to assume it was about me?”
I shrug. “Yeah, and the fact that I have no concern for any of the rules I grew up following.”
He nods as he leans into the gate. “Why is that?”
Taking Belle’s muzzle in my hands, I kiss her nose before answering. “Because I don’t want to be that girl anymore.”
I can feel him watching me. “But you wanted to be at one time, right?”
Biting my lip, I nod. “I did.”
“What changed?”
Casey.
Casey changed me.
I shrug. “Who knows?”
“You do,” he says simply before grabbing me by my waist, pulling me into him. He is so warm, so big, and when he wraps his arms around me, I turn in his embrace, kissing the bottom of his jaw. His arms tighten around me as he dusts kisses along my forehead. “You could tell me,” he whispers, and I close my eyes, wrapping my arms as far around him as they will go.
“No point,” I decide, and he shrugs at that.
“May make you feel better.”
I doubt it, but I can’t tell him that. “You know what would make me feel better?”
He looks down to me. “What?”
“A kiss.”
His lips curve up. “A kiss?”
“From yer lips.”
“My lips, hmm,” he muses before dropping his mouth mere inches from mine. “I think I can make that happen.”
I can’t take it anymore; I need his lips—now. Going up on my toes, I take his lips with mine, and everything disappears. It’s him and me. Nothing else but our mouths moving together as he holds me tightly to him. I’m not thinking of my ma or even what Declan had said. Only Jackson. It’s so freeing.
Pulling away, he kisses my bottom lip as he runs his hand along the back of my neck, squeezing it gently. “Pretty sure I’d get fired for kissing the princess if Pip saw me.”
“Ah, screw him,” I say, and he grins against my lips. “Don’t tell me yer starting to care what people think?”
He laughs at that. “No, but it did knock me down a peg when everyone kept saying, ‘Can’t believe she’s making out with a bartender.’” He smiles. “I made sure to let them know I slept in a tent and was a horse groom too.”
I laugh at that, and he moves his nose against mine as I whisper, “I only care what you think.”
“Same with me.” Sliding his fingers along my cheek, he kisses my nose. “But we have all night.”
My stomach flutters. “We do.”
He squeezes my waist with his other hand as he steps backward. “Yeah, but this girl is ready for a ride.”
I look at Belle and smile. “I know I need it.”
“Good. It’s a great day. Go clear your head.”
I make a face. “Yer not coming?”
He looks at me sadly. “As much as I wish I could, Pip is out sick, so I’m caring for his horses and mine.”
“Well, that sucks.”
“Yeah, but then it makes me more excited to get you completely alone tonight.”
I can’t contain the huge grin that takes over my face as I lean into him, kissing his jaw once more. “I can’t wait.”
“Good,” he says, smacking my arse before kissing my lips softly.
“Can I ask something?”
He gives me a look. “You can ask me anything.”
I grin up at him. “Can we go on a picnic? I’ve always wanted to do it, and I saw Declan out with Amberlyn and Ronan yesterday afternoon. I almost joined them, but I want to go with you.”
He grins back at me, leaning into the horse as his fingers trail down to my hip. “With me, huh? The bartender.”
I take a step toward him, gripping his jaw in my fingers. “With you, Jackson.”
I can tell that pleases him as he nods. “Tell me the time and place.”
I give a little wiggle as I bite into my lip. “I sure will.”
“Good.” He helps guide me to the horse. “Now, since you’re going by yourself, it’s a great opportunity to go scream alone. I don’t like screaming with people around.”
“True.”
“Yeah,” he says with a grin before kissing my jaw. “So, go chase the wind.”
Go chase the wind.
I’ve never been told that.
Not sure what to say, I don’t speak as he helps me get on Belle. Though I don’t need the help, I welcome it. Anything to get him to touch me. I take one last look at him, and we share a smile before he smacks Belle’s hind legs, which sends her out of the stables at a fast trot. Holding the reins, I kick into her sides, and she takes off. Jackson was right. The day is perfect, so bright and clear. As we go around the house, I urge her harder once we reach the field.
And we’re off.
As the wind kisses my face, blowing my hair everywhere, I feel as if I’m in the clouds. We’re going so fast, and while I’m holding on for dear life, I can’t help but cry out in happiness. The scenery is a blur, I don’t even see anything, I just feel. The wind, the sun, and vibrations of Belle’s gallop. I almost feel as if I’m flying. It’s damn near magical for sure.
When we reach the spot where Jackson took me a couple days ago, I slow Belle down. “Sweet girl. You’s a beast.”
Pulling her to a stop, I get off with ease, tucking in her reins so she can graze. I think we both need a break. I’m breathing as heavily as she is, plus, I just want to sit. Going to the bench of wood, I sit down, looking over the small little lake as I take in a deep breath of the scent of honey. Closing my eyes, I le
t my head fall back as the conversation with my family plays over and over again.
I hadn’t wanted any of that to happen this morning, and the more I think about it, the more Declan’s words ring true. Was I being blatant about my disregard for the rules? I mean, I hate them. I don’t want to be that girl. I want to be me, and it annoys me that my ma can’t see that. I don’t want to be her anymore. I want to be the best version of me, and being perfect like her didn’t protect me.
If anything, it made me naïve.
Growing up as her carbon copy made me feel like I was untouchable, like no one could ever hurt me. I was obviously wrong. While Ma says people hold us to a higher regard, that they cherish us, Casey did not. When that happened, I wanted nothing more than to shut down, but she wouldn’t let me. What would people think, she told me. So I did as my ma wanted. She ran my life. I never had to put myself out there; I basically hid behind her. But even doing that, it all came crumbling down. I can’t do it anymore.
I have to be me.
I have to protect me.
But how can I do that without hurting my ma?
As the tears leak out of my eyes, I felt my lips start to wobble. I don’t want to hurt her, but I don’t want to be her either. I don’t like who I am when I think I’m untouchable. I don’t like following rules that exist to please everyone but me.
“I want to be me.”
The words mean so much to me.
“I want to be me, and no one can hurt me,” I yell as I open my eyes. Standing up, I put my hands on my head, screaming the words once more.
And then again.
And again.
Maybe if I scream it enough, I will start believing myself.
Lena told me to wait for her at the bridge.
I wanted to meet her at the house, walk over with her, but when she had come back to the stables, her face tearstained, I didn’t have the heart to argue with her. Even though I did want to be a gentleman and walk her to my tent. It was obvious the ride had done its job, but I also knew she was struggling with her family’s expectations of her. The bartender she had broken rules with picking her up to go on a date probably wouldn’t go over well.
I want to say I’m not bothered by what everyone has said, implying I’m not good enough for Lena since I’m just a commoner, as everyone keeps calling me, but I am. I think mostly because I know I’m not really good enough for someone like her. I mean, she’s amazing, even when she thinks she’s not. If she could just see the person I see, she’d be good. She’d recognize that she’s beautiful, smart, and witty as hell. That when she isn’t trying to hide who she is behind all her acting out and poor decisions, she is damn near perfect. Or at least, I think so.
Not that it matters, though, what I think or even what I feel. I have to keep reminding myself of that. These feelings that bubble up inside me every time I see her, or every time we touch, I have to ignore. Or I would fall so hard for her. While I don’t want to hurt her, since it’s obvious she’s been hurt badly, I fear I would be the one hurt. Because why would someone like her want someone like me?
But all those thoughts are gone the moment I see her.
I lose every bit of my clear thinking the moment she appears. It’s like she puts me under her spell, where the only thing that matters is her and making her smile.
“Ya didn’t have to wait for me. I know where the tent is.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, I can see it from my window.”
“So you’re stalking me?”
“Always,” she teases, and I smile. “But really, I’d have come to you.”
I take her hand in mine. “I wanted to pick you up.”
She waves me off. “Ya don’t want to experience my ma, promise ya that.”
Lacing our fingers together, I smile. “I would if it meant walking that extra twenty minutes with you.”
Her eyes sparkle as she leans into me. “Ah, shut it and come on. We have a date, yeah?”
“We do,” I agree, and when she beams back up at me, I feel like my heart is in my throat.
“Good, show me what a Jackson date is since it’s so much different from any other date I’ve been on.”
“Deal.”
Soon we are sitting around the little fire I’ve made, eating s’mores. She is cuddled close beside me as she holds the s’more I just made for her, after making her two hot dogs and some chips. The smile on her face is unstoppable, and I know I’ve succeeded when it comes to blowing her away.
I think the s’mores won it for me.
“I have never, in my life, eaten one of these, and I’m sad about that.”
I laugh. “How have you never eaten a s’more?”
She rolls her eyes. “I’m a lady!” She can’t say it without laughing. “It’s gooey and such a mess! I’d never be caught dead with something that can get all over my face or even in my hair.”
“How boring.”
“Exactly! It’s so unfair I went twenty-two years without one!”
I smile. “So you mean to tell me you never went camping?”
Her eyes widen. “Do I look like the kind of girl who’s gone camping before?”
I shrug. “But here you are.”
“’Cause of you!” she giggles, taking another bite. “No, when I was younger, only Declan and me da would go. I wanted to, I thought it would be fun, but Ma wouldn’t let me. Soon, I didn’t care to. Didn’t want to mess up my hair.”
I hand her another s’more, and she takes it with her other hand, licking off some of the marshmallow. “Funny how things change.”
That has her nodding knowingly. “That’s the truth right there.”
She looks beautiful, which is nothing new when it comes to her. Her hair is under a little knit cap and she’s completely bundled up, but her nose is still a little red. “I think I was a wee bit naïve back then.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah,” she says on an inhale. “When I went riding earlier, I decided that.”
“Why’s that?”
She shrugs, taking another bite. “I just kept going over what my family had yelled at me about. Declan accused me of going out of my way to break the rules.”
“Are you?”
“No,” she says, and then she looks at me. “I wanted to see you. I had a rough day, and I wanted someone who got me. So I went.”
A smile quirks my lips. “I’m glad you did.”
She looks away. “And I never had any intention of kissing you, but then I couldn’t stop.”
“I sure as hell wasn’t going to stop you.”
She laughs at that, leaning into me, her head on my shoulder as she eats her s’more. “No, ya weren’t.”
With a smile on my face, I eat mine. I want to know so much more about her. I want to prompt her, but I’m sure she gets enough of that.
I don’t want to be like everyone else.
“I just don’t think it’s fair.”
Pausing mid-bite, I ask, “What isn’t?”
“How different it is for Declan and me,” she says as she sits up, looking at the fire. “He was allowed to go and do as he pleased. Yeah, he’d get bitched at, but he was never held to the standards that I was, or am, for that matter. Like today, Ma lost it on me for what I did, but Declan did that all the time. It’s how he met and married Amberlyn. It’s not right. Who cares, ya know?”
“I think it’s different here. Or at least, it’s different for you guys.”
“Which is stupid. We’re the people who make the rules. Why can’t we do what we want?”
“I’m a firm believer that you should do what makes you happy,” I supply, and she nods.
“Exactly! I feel the same, especially after years of doing and being everything they wanted me to. I just want to be happy.”
“Then do it.”
“I am, but Ma is just so mad, and I don’t want to upset her with everything that is going on. But how can I be who I’m not and be happy? Life is too short.”
“And I just—” She stops, shaking her head. “I’m sorry. I’m ruining our time,” she says quickly, but I shake my head now, grabbing her hand and squeezing it.
“No, talk. We have all night.”
Her eyes burn into mine. “All night?”
“If you want.”
“I do.”
We share a smile, heat burning through us, but that can wait. As much as I am yearning for her, I want to know her more. I want to know what she is thinking. I want to know what is hurting her. “Good. Then talk to me, Lena.”
She seems to struggle with that, glancing away as she takes in a breath. “I just wish she’d understand.”
I should keep my mouth shut, but I can’t help it. “You were gone for two years before London, right?”
She doesn’t look at me. “Yeah, in Dublin.”
“Why’d you go?”
I watch as she bites her lip. “I had to. I couldn’t stand it here anymore.”
“Why?”
When her knee starts to bounce, I can practically feel the anxiety coming off her in waves. She doesn’t want to speak about this, and I almost change the subject. But then, how am I supposed to help her if I do? I want so desperately to help. I don’t understand the need to do so, but it’s there, and I can’t ignore it.
“You can trust me, Lena.”
“It’s not that. I do,” she says simply, but yet, she doesn’t look at me. “I do trust you.”
That pleases me to no end. “Then talk to me.”
“It just doesn’t matter.”
“It does.”
She shakes her head. “Ya can’t change the past.”
“You’re right.”
“I just want to forget it.”
“How’s that going?” I ask, and she meets my gaze. “’Cause no matter what I do, I can’t forget what my dad did to me. As hard as it is to talk about it, when I do, it’s easier.”
“How?”
“I don’t know, it just is. Maybe because talking about it, knowing I survived it, makes me feel like I won.”
Tears start to gather in her eyes as she looks away. “I never got the chance to feel like I won, and when I did, it wasn’t for long.”