by Toni Aleo
“Why? He is nothing. You are everything.”
Tears start to roll down my face. “He took it all.”
“He took nothing.”
“Ma—”
“No, Lena. You can’t give him any more power. He doesn’t deserve it. It’s your power.”
It’s my power.
Mine.
Not his.
But is it that easy?
I look at her through my tears. “How do I make him go away? How do I stop giving him the power he has?”
“By loving yourself.” I can only blink as she reaches for me, kissing my palms. “You have to love yourself the way I love you. The way Da loves you, and how Declan does. Amberlyn and Ronan, too. Ya have to believe in yerself, because you are amazing, Lena. Yer smart, yer beautiful, and you can do anything you set yer heart to.”
Moving my hands from hers, I wipe my face as I replay her words, trying to make sense of them. The last time I checked, I did love myself. But if I did, would I be so destructive?
“You’re struggling my love, and I understand that now. I do.” I look to my ma, taking a breath as she holds my gaze the best she can. “I’ll try let up a bit, but it’s hard when I know you know how to be.”
I nod. “I do, but, Ma, I don’t want to. I want to be me.”
Slowly shaking her head, she shrugs. “I don’t know how to accept that, Lena. It’s not the right way.”
“But maybe it’s my way. It’s my path, and I have to learn to navigate it. Can’t ya see it’s time for change?”
“Change?”
“Yeah, Declan married Amberlyn, and I cuss, go to pubs, and kiss boys when I want. What’s so wrong with that?”
“A lot, actually—”
“To you. But to me, it makes me happy.” She looks away. “Don’t ya want me to be happy, Ma?”
“Lena, that’s all I want, but it has to be the right way,” she says before she reaches for my hand, squeezing it. “Please consider what I’ve said.”
It’s like she hasn’t even been listening to me. “But, Ma—”
“And I’ll consider being a little more lenient.” I take in a sharp breath as our eyes meet, before one side of her mouth curves up. “I don’t think you realize how much I wish I could be you. To not care, to just be me, but I can’t. I do care, and I want the best for ya, my love.”
“I know ya do, Ma.”
“Grand, then let’s both consider what the other has said and leave it at that, yeah?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
Squeezing my hand once more, she smiles. “And if I have the choice next week of dying or not, don’t worry, I’ll choose not to.”
I smile while holding back a sob. “That would be grand.”
“I thought so.” She pats my hand before kissing it, and when she walks away, I watch her. I want to believe she’ll think of what I said, but I know she won’t. I know if I had admitted to being with Jackson last night, she’d flip. I think she knows, though, and doesn’t want to add that into our fight since I’m already fucking up left and right in her eyes. As she holds the banister tightly, I want to run to her and help, but her pride wouldn’t allow it. I wouldn’t want anyone helping me either. I’m like her in that sense.
Even though she drives me absolutely mad, I don’t know how I’d live without her.
And I sure as hell don’t want to know anytime soon.
Lena went over and beyond.
I’m sitting on a blanket in the sand, and the horses are grazing along the grassy area while I watch her set up. It’s a beautiful day. The ocean is blue and loud as it crashes to the shore. I want to say I’m taking it all in, but really, I’m only taking Lena in. “I had to make everything since if I mentioned I was making it for this, I’d get billions of questions. So it may not be up to par.”
Leaning on my side, I watch as she sets some plates on the blanket. “I don’t know what par is, so I’m impressed no matter what.”
The grin that covers her face makes my heart soar. “Well, I can tell ya, the tea sandwiches are a wee bit messy, and the crisps are from the store.”
“I love store-bought chips.”
She laughs as she hands me a plate and then another saucer with a teacup on it. “If the tea tastes like arse, it’s totally my fault. It’s my favorite, but no one else likes it.”
I take a sip. “Tastes sweet.”
“Yeah, I love it,” she gushes as she takes a bite of her sandwich. “I made a Jell-O salad, but I’m unsure you’ll like it.”
Reaching over, I take her hand and squeeze it. “It’s perfect. Relax.”
She exhales as she nods. “Okay.”
I can tell she’s nervous, and I find it adorable. “You didn’t have to go to all this trouble.”
She waves me off. “I wanted to.”
“Well, it’s nice.” She looks at me out of the corner of her eye, and I find her utterly stunning. I can’t get enough of her nervousness and almost shyness. It’s amazing and makes me feel all kinds of things.
“I’m a wee bit nervous ya won’t like it. I’m so used to everything being done for me, and when I was in Dublin, I just ate out, so it was weird doing all this.”
“It tastes amazing. Everything is awesome. I promise.”
She beams over at me. “Well, that makes me day.”
I reach over, stroking her ankle, and she covers my hand, running her thumb along the back of my hand. She’s wearing cropped dress pants with little flats that make her feet seem so small. Her shirt is tight to her skin, while her blazer hangs open. Her hair is down, only some of it pulled back. She has a little makeup on, and her lips are red and glossy.
Of course, I’m still captivated by her.
“So, how was your morning?”
She glances over at me, holding her hand over her mouth as she chews. “Busy. I actually got to go to my flat in Dublin.”
“Oh, really?”
She nods. “It was to pick the things I wanted to move. Everything else will stay if I ever get to go back.”
I hadn’t realized there was a possibility she would. “Do you think you will?”
I watch as she worries her lip in between her teeth. “I don’t know. Depends on what happens with my ma.”
“How’s she doing?”
“She seems weak to me, but I don’t know. My da is confident, and she told me the other day she wouldn’t die.”
I smile. “Well, that’s a plus.”
“Her blood pressure has been evening out, which is good, from what the doctors are saying.”
“That’s wonderful.”
Her lips curve a small bit as she nods. “I worry. I don’t want to lose her.”
“I didn’t want to lose my mom either. I don’t think anyone ever does.”
“Yeah, it’s scary.”
“It is.”
A silence falls over us, the crash of the ocean and seagulls filling the void. I can see that she’s in her own world, and I want to be there with her. I want to make it all go away, but she’ll have to let me. “So what did you get at your place?”
She looks up at me. “Ah, just a few things. I got my pottery wheel.”
My face scrunches up. “You make pottery?”
She laughs. “I do. It relaxes me. Now I just need some clay.”
“That’s kind of hot.”
She giggles. “Ah, shut it. It is not. I get a mess when I do it.”
“I like you a mess,” I tell her, and she sends me a kittenish grin.
“Yer impossible.”
“You’ve said that before.” Throwing a chip into my mouth, I ask, “Will you make me a pot?”
“Now yer teasing me!”
“I’m not! I want a pot.”
She smacks me playfully, but when she goes to pull away, I capture her hand, bringing her in close. Her eyes burn into mine as I wipe some of the sauce from the sandwich off her lips, and some of her gloss smudges along her mouth. “I want a pot made by Lena O’Callaghan.”
/>
She rolls her eyes. “Ya act like that name is special.”
“It is. To me.” Then I shoot her a deadpan look. “Along with every other person here.”
“They don’t matter.”
Her expression is knowing as I smile back at her. “So, I’ll get a pot?”
Her lips quirk as she holds my gaze. “Fine, we’ll see.”
As I kiss her lips softly, she leans into the kiss, and everything around me disappears. She blows my world to pieces. Pulling away, she gives me a little grin. “What did you do today?”
“Nothing. I slept in and waited until I got to see you. You were late, by the way.”
She nods as she sips her tea. “The meeting with Declan went over.”
“Oh. I didn’t know you had that today.”
“Neither did I, until he called to remind me.” She rolls her eyes, sighing. “I swear, I have stuff going on all the time. I don’t know how my ma does it.”
I didn’t know how Lena did it. “Yeah, you are busy.”
“I am, and this new project they want to do will have me as the face of it.”
I give her an exaggerated wink. “Well, you do have a gorgeous face.”
She shakes her head dismissively. “It’s gonna be ridiculous and over the top.”
“How so?” I ask, taking another bite of the sandwich. It was only ham with cucumber, but I really loved the sauce. I loved it more that Lena had made it for me.
“I’ll basically be done up, dripping with diamonds all along the land. Taking pictures with different whiskey bottles and stuff. Declan wants one of me in the barrel room, and the dress they chose for it is dark as night. It’ll be badarse for sure.” A small smile pulls at her lips.
“You seem to be excited.”
She shrugs. “I guess I am.”
“That’s good.”
She waves me off. “It seems no matter how much I don’t want to be the girl who likes the dresses and the rules, a piece of her still lives on.”
“What’s wrong with that?”
She looks at me from under her lashes. “I guess nothing.”
“So stop stressing.”
Picking at her sandwich, she puts a piece in her mouth. “Easier said than done.”
“I hear you, but I think you try so much not to be that girl, that you miss being parts of her.”
“Maybe.” She shrugs, her brows pulling in. “The rules are dumb. I told my ma that.”
“How’d that go?”
“She listened, actually.”
“That’s good.”
“Yeah, she says she’ll lay off a bit, and she has. She only rolls her eyes when she finds out I was at the pub.”
I scoff. “Well, I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t see you at the pub.”
“I do make ya happier, huh?”
“You do. Makes my job bearable.”
She laughs at that. “Ya do just fine.”
“Eh.” I move my fingers along her ankle. “Speaking of the pub, I need to ask you something.”
“Yeah?”
“I heard about this guy named Micah last night.” She looks away with a sharp inhale. “It was after you left. One of the ladies that sits at the back table was saying you were getting back with him.”
She laughs disbelievingly. “I haven’t seen or talked to him in like three years.” She shakes her head. “No. That’s not true.”
“I figured not, but I wanted to ask.”
“I’m glad you did.”
“So, who is he?”
“Ah, my ex-fiancé.”
“Fiancé?” I ask with a grin. “You didn’t tell me you were engaged.”
She waves a hand. “It’s in the past.”
But that doesn’t satisfy me. Doesn’t she realize I want to know it all? “Still, I’d be interested to hear about it.”
“Why? He’s nothing to me. Our engagement was pushed on us by my ma. I never loved him.”
She chances a glance at me, but when she realizes I’m watching her, she looks away. “How long were you engaged to him?”
“Two years.”
“Wow.” I shake my head. “That’s some engagement.”
“It was all fake.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, I didn’t feel anything for him but fondness.” Moving her knees into her chest, she leans on them. “He was a good man. Sweet, but he was in it for the money. I wasn’t special to him.”
“I doubt that. You’re special.”
“Eh, ya just don’t know, Jacks.”
“Probably ’cause you won’t tell me,” I say. I hadn’t meant to. But like always, it just slipped out. “You hold back a lot.”
Biting the inside of her cheek, she shrugs. “There isn’t much to say.”
I knew that was a lie, but I didn’t see a point in drawing attention to that. “Does your mom know about me?”
She looks away, putting a chip in her mouth. “She knows I spend time with you, but I won’t let her say anything about it.”
Spends time with me… Okay…
“What do you mean?”
“Ah, she has this notion of who I should be with, and I know that. But I don’t want to hear it.” Because I’m not good enough for her. I let out a breath and look down at my fingers as I trace them along her ankle. “I don’t want anyone saying anything, so I just don’t talk about it. Even when she brings up meeting the men she wants me to be with.”
My gaze cuts to her. “Meet other men?”
Oh, the jealousy burns like fire inside of me as I watch her struggle with what she wants to say.
“She’s always trying to fix me up. It’s annoying.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, she wants me to be with someone like Micah.”
Because you’re a worthless bartender.
Looking down at the blanket, I throw a few chips in my mouth and I chew. I hate how much my mind wanders. I know I should just ask her what we’re doing, but I don’t think I want to know. I want to stay in the dark, enjoy her. The problem is, I have all these feelings that are mounting for this girl.
“Can I ask ya something?”
I meet her gaze, and she’s so adorable. Her eyes are unsure, yet she looks at me with such meaning. I don’t get it, I don’t, but I can’t question it. Questioning it would lead to more feelings, and I really need to stop with the feelings. They won’t get me anywhere. “Sure.”
She looks away, tearing apart the bread on her sandwich she hasn’t finished. “How did you handle the aftermath of yer da?”’
I’m a little taken aback by her question. “What do you mean?”
She looks at me for a long time, and I feel like she is about to say something she hadn’t planned to, but then she shakes her head. “Never mind.”
“No, explain yourself,” I demand, taking her ankle in my hand. “I don’t understand your question.”
She looks down at her knees, chewing on her lip. “Like, did you get over it?”
I shrug. “Sometimes I think I have, but then he’ll come rearing his nasty head and it knocks me down a few pegs.”
“How do you deal with that?”
“Sometimes, I don’t. Sometimes, I lose it, but then other times, I refuse to let him have anything of me anymore. You know what I mean?”
She slowly shakes her head. “I don’t.”
I pause for a moment, trying to figure out how I’m going to explain myself. She looks at me intently, hanging on and waiting for me to speak, and I don’t want to let her down. “I just remember that this is my life and no one else’s. That I am the creator of my happiness.”
“The creator of yer happiness?”
“Yeah. For so long I was sad, beaten down. I missed my mom, and I’d just sit there, terrified out of my mind. Even when I went back home to my mom, I was still so lost and still so scared. I finally had to remember what made me happy, and I used that to fuel myself to leave behind the pain of what he did.”
“Ya just di
d what made ya happy, and that helped?”
“Yeah.” I nod with a grin. “I love traveling, I love riding, and I love spending time with beautiful girls. That makes me happy. When I’m happy, I’m not thinking of the shit I went through. I’m thinking about how happy I am, and how this is my life.”
She nods, her eyes trained on mine. “I admire that about ya.”
I hold her gaze, wanting so desperately for her to open up to me. I want to know what her past is, what is drowning her in pain. I want to help her find the surface and inhale a deep and blissful breath. I want so many things. Though I can’t help but remember I’m just the bartender who happens to be sleeping with a princess. I know I may be overthinking it, but she hasn’t told me any differently. The fact that she won’t open up to me only fuels my uncertainties.
But for shit’s sake, it’s what I want. I don’t want forever because I don’t have it to give to someone who is stuck here. And I don’t want to put myself out there for her to shoot down.
No.
I should just go with it.
Even if each of her smiles rattles my soul.
“What’s wrong?”
I glance over at her and shake my head. “Nothing.”
“Ya seemed to wander off.”
“I do that.” She sends me a knowing little smile as I finish off my sandwich. “That was really good.”
“Thanks. I was nervous. I didn’t want to mess up anything. I wanted to impress ya.”
“You have,” I say, and I mean it. “I haven’t had anyone ever go out of their way to make me lunch.”
“Well, I don’t believe that at all.”
I laugh. “Why?”
“’Cause I’m sure girls fall all over themselves to spoil ya.”
I shake my head. “You’re the first, other than my mom.”
Her lips curve in a wide smile. “I still don’t believe ya.”
I chuckle. “Really. I’m not that big of a deal.”
She gives me a dark look. “To me, you are.”
Now I’m the one smiling. My heart races for her. She puts her tea down, and I watch as she crawls to me, pushing me to my back as her knees straddle the sides of my hips. Running her fingers along my jaw, she whispers, “How would you feel if I said I wanted to ride ya right here?”
As I gaze up into her eyes, I cradle her ass in my hands. “I’d feel like I couldn’t stop you if I wanted to.”