by Toni Aleo
“Are ya feckin’ mad?”
“No.”
“I’d never be embarrassed of you. Ever.”
“I’m sorry. I really thought you wouldn’t want our business out there, especially with what everyone says.”
She shrugs. “Again, I don’t care what they say. I only care what you think.”
I can only look at her, unsure what to say or do. “I bought a ticket to Scotland for when I’m done here.”
Pretty sure when my mom said to be honest, she didn’t mean for me to say it like that.
Lena scrunches up her face. “Okay? What does that mean?”
“I’ll be gone in a little over a month and a half.”
She can only blink at me, her eyes full of such panic. “Okay, yer breaking up with me?”
“I hadn’t even realized we were together.”
Why did I say that?
Her eyes widen, her face turning red, and I hold up my hands. “You don’t tell me anything, Lena. I’m just going with it, and I don’t know what we’re doing.”
“I thought it was pretty clear what we were doing,” she says deliberately, and then she stands. “So ya must be sleeping with someone else, then, if yer not with me.”
“What the hell? No, Lena, you know I’m not.”
“Well, neither am I.”
“I didn’t think you were, but everything that’s happened seems like we’re just having fun.”
Her eyes are a blazing blue as they lock with mine. “Is that all ya want?”
“No, I want more, but you won’t open up to me. You won’t let me in, so how am I supposed to know what you feel?”
“Yer supposed to know ’cause ya feel it,” she says simply, shaking her head.
“You won’t let me in.”
“I don’t let anyone in!” she finally yells, but then she looks away. “I’m gonna go.”
“No, don’t—”
“No, I need to because this is going to shite, and I’m worried for my ma and nervous. I don’t want to take it out on you, when we just haven’t really decided what we’re doing. Or even spoken of it because we’re too busy just having fun, I guess.”
“Lena—”
“I’ll see ya,” she says, throwing some money on the bar before getting up.
“I didn’t mean to upset you.” I go to her. “I’m just unsure where I stand.”
“I thought ya stood beside me.”
“Or behind you.”
Her eyes go wild with anger. “What the hell does that mean?”
“It means that, no matter what, you can’t be with me. I’m leaving, and we both know you can’t go.”
“Ya don’t know shite, Jacks,” she answers, her fiery eyes holding mine. “And instead of assuming everything, why don’t ya just ask?”
“Fine. Can you go with me?”
She throws her hands up. “I don’t know ’cause I don’t know when or where yer going!”
I shake my head. “Fair enough, but tell me why you’re so closed off. Tell me what happened before London.”
Her eyes cut to where Mason is trying to ignore us before she glances back to me. “I’ll see you later.”
“Lena.”
“No.” Her eyes are full of tears as she turns on her heel.
Unable to let her go like this, I ask, “Will you come back to my place?”
She doesn’t even look back at me. “No, I need my sleep.”
And with that, she leaves.
I can’t believe that just happened.
I fucked that up, royally.
No pun intended.
“Wow, you’s an eejit, ya know that?”
Looking to Mason, I nod. “I do know that.”
I spent the night crying.
I want to say I cried for my ma, and some of it was for her, but it was mostly for Jackson. I just don’t understand. I really don’t. How in the world did I not realize I was making him feel that way? Was I really that closed off? I thought we were getting along great. I felt the butterflies. I felt things I’d never felt before when I was around him. So what had I done wrong?
And why did I constantly fuck everything up?
“Ya have nothing to worry about.”
I look to my ma. She’s lying in the hospital bed as we wait for them to take her back. Da and Declan have gone to get coffee, and Amberlyn has just left. They didn’t want Ronan here, so she’s gone home to care for him, relieving Fiona. And that’ll leave me alone with two lads who don’t talk unless spoken to.
This is going to be a blast.
“Ah, but I’ll worry nonetheless.”
She reaches out, taking my hand. “I told ya, I’m not dying.”
I move my fingers along the back of her hand, kissing her knuckles. I’m on the side of her that is droopy, and I almost want to move to the other side so that I’m with my ma. But if what the doctors are saying is true, I will have to get used to this version of her.
No matter how much it hurts.
“I love you, Lena.”
I smile. “I love you.”
“I want to thank ya for coming and helping out the way ya have.”
“Ya forced me,” I laugh.
“Sure, but ya stayed.”
“Yer my ma. Of course I stayed.”
She shares a small smile with me. “You’ve been on yer best behavior since we talked.”
I scoff. “Or yer turning a cheek.”
She shrugs. “Either way, you know I’m proud of you. You’ve been at every event, a smile on your face and providing beautiful suggestions. Did ya know that Mrs. Patten from the scholarship program called and told me how impressed she was with you? How everything she’d read was pure rubbish.”
Pride spreads through my chest. “I didn’t know that.”
“She did. I told ya, yer made for this.”
I shake my head sadly. “I’m really not.”
She holds my gaze the best she can. “You know no matter how this goes, I won’t be able to do it all on my own.” I look down at her hand, stroking her fingers with mine as I chew on my lip. “I want to say I’ll go back to normal, but they are saying it could be months before I’m even back on my feet.”
“Then we’ll revisit everything after that.”
“Or ya could just stay home. Where ya belong.”
I want to tell her that I don’t belong, but the more I think about it, maybe I do. I have enjoyed the talks I’ve been to, though I still hate tea. But maybe she could handle those, and I could do the other things. I don’t know. But then, I hear Jackson in my head.
He’s leaving, and I can’t go.
I squeeze her hand. “We’ll talk this over later. Let’s get through this.”
“That sounds like a grand idea.”
I didn’t expect that, but then I hadn’t expected her not to bitch me out for going to the pub every night last week. I know she saw me having a picnic with Jackson, and she said nothing. I hadn’t realized how important that talk with her was until this moment, sitting with her in the hospital room as we wait for her to be wheeled down to surgery. We have an understanding between us, and I appreciate it greatly.
When the door opens, Declan and Da come in. They’re right on time, because ten minutes later, the nurses are here to take Ma back. I kiss the back of her hand, then her palm before I kiss her cheek. I worry this is the last time I’ll see her. But I know that’s not true. She isn’t dying; she will make it. Brushing my tears from my face, I smile down at her. “I love you, Mama.”
I haven’t called her that since I was a wee babe, but the grin that covers her face makes me want to say it more often. “I love you.”
As they wheel her out of the room, Declan takes my hand as Ma throws up her other hand. “Don’t cry in the waiting room. Don’t want people thinking I’ve kicked the bucket.”
I shake my head. “Jaysus, she’s wild.”
Da laughs while Declan nods. “She is that.”
Leaving the room, we head
to the waiting room that has been prepared for us. There is security around the room, mainly to keep the press away. Ma’s surgery isn’t a secret, and everyone knew when it was happening. When we pulled up this morning, there were people outside, wishing her well. It was nice, but Ma was so embarrassed, covering her face as we walked in. She is such a proud woman, and it rattled me to see her like that.
How can I leave her when she is fighting so hard not to leave me?
But how in the hell can I stay in the place that reminds me of him at every turn? The fear of finding him near me is overbearing. But if I’m honest, I haven’t thought of him much in the last couple weeks. This is the first time I have in a good long while, and even now, I refuse to let him have my power. I want to be happy. I want to love my life.
Because it’s my life.
But I also want to do what I want, and I’m unsure how much my ma will allow before she loses her shite. While she’s been grand lately, that isn’t my ma. She is a stickler for the rules, and I’m sure she won’t be able to turn her cheek on all things.
Especially Jackson.
When my phone signals a message, I look down to see that it is a text from him. Speak of the devil.
Jackson: Can you come to the coffee shop outside the waiting room? On the back side, not the side with all the people staring at you like you’re a zoo exhibit.
My brows pull together as I look around. I don’t see him, though.
Me: Are ya here?
Jackson: I am.
I get up. “Excuse me.”
“Lena, where ya going?”
I look to my da and point outside. “I need some air.”
“Want me to come?” Declan asks, and I shake my head.
“You’s talking shop. I’m going the back way, and I’ll take Tony with me.”
Tony, our main bodyguard, is beside me before I even finish my sentence. I smile a thanks to him as we go out the side door. He walks a few steps behind me as I head to the coffee shop. When I enter, I can’t find Jackson at first. It’s not until he stands up from behind the TV that I even see him. I’m breathless at the sight of him. In a pair of worn jeans and a fitted tee, he looks gorgeous, but his eyes, they stun me.
They’re so sad.
“I’m going to go back there, with him.”
Tony looks at Jackson, sizing him up before he glances around the shop. “There is no exit other than this one. I’ll sit over here.”
“Thank ya,” I answer, before I head to where Jackson is standing, so unsure of himself. Stopping in front of him, I slide my hands down the front of my skirt as I look up at him. “I didn’t know you were coming.”
He takes his hand out from behind him, holding a single rose out to me. “I wanted to be with you. I know how hard all this is.”
My heart aches for him. “Ya didn’t have to do that. Didn’t ya have to work?”
“I called out because I knew where I needed to be.”
“Even after last night?”
“Especially after last night.”
My heart pounds in my chest as I take the rose from him. I bring it to my nose and inhale deeply. “Ah, it’s grand. Thank you.”
When I look up at him, he’s looking back at me with those eyes he always has right before he kisses me. Taking me by the back of my arms, he brings me in, kissing me hard on the lips. I melt against him instantly. I almost thought this would never happen again. Feeling his lips, feeling his body. God, it’s heaven.
Pulling only a breath from my lips, he whispers, “Did she go back already?”
I nod, my nose gliding along his jaw. “She did.”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m worried.”
He kisses my forehead. “I’m sorry.” He kisses me again. “Lena, I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to do anything but be here for you. So please don’t think we have to talk about anything you don’t want to talk about.”
My lips quirk as I press my hands to his chest, looking into his eyes. “I appreciate that, but I think it’s a great way to pass the time. And Lord knows we gotta talk about what we said last night.”
His eyes are full of apprehension, but he nods. “Only if you want to.”
“I do, because I don’t like that ya feckin’ think we’re just fuckin’ around. Pretty sure I’ve told ya before I’m no hoor.”
I say it to bring a grin to his lips, and when I’m rewarded with one, my belly flip-flops. After running his hands down the back of my arms, he laces our fingers together. “I think you’ve said it a few times.”
“So listen, yeah?”
“Yeah,” he answers before he starts to walk backward, and I follow him. He’s picked a small little nook, and he has two coffees waiting for us. He pulls out the chair for me, and I sit down as he kisses the top of my head. Sitting across from me, he reaches for his coffee, a grin on his face. “I almost thought you wouldn’t come.”
I scoff as I reach for my mug. “Of course I would.”
“I thought you’d be pissed.”
“I’m not. I’m upset that I made ya feel that way.” I place the rose on the table. “I guess I should have known something was up, though, when ya asked me in the tent that night.”
He nods. “Yeah. I swear I’m not one of those needy guys.”
My lips quirk into a smile. “I didn’t think ya were.”
“I just feel like I’m always putting myself out there, and you only give me bits and pieces in return. It’s hard when I want to know everything about you.”
Holding his gaze, I nod. “It’s hard for me.”
“I know, and I know too that I’m leaving, so why should you tell me—”
I stop him, covering his hand with mine. I don’t want to hear of him going. In my mind, he won’t leave. “Yer not gone yet.”
“But I will be. It’s just that I have all these feelings inside of me, and I’m trying to keep them reined in. I’m trying to remind myself that this will more than likely not work out—”
“Why is that?”
“’Cause I’ll leave, and you’ll be here.”
“Why can’t I come with ya?”
“Your mom.”
I nod sadly. “So ya already decided we’re done after ya leave?”
“What other choice is there?”
“We could figure it out.”
“Is that fair? And do you even want to do that?”
“I do,” I answer. “Ya make me happy, Jacks, honestly. We may not know what will happen, but I’d want to find out before I just decided we were done.”
His eyes burn into mine. “I don’t want to be done.”
“Neither do I,” I agree as he takes my hand in his. “I may not say it, but I do have all the feelings too. Jaysus, Jacks, ya drive me crazy. My body sings for you. I’ve never wanted to see someone as much as I want to see you.”
Moving his thumb along my knuckles, he looks up at me. “You don’t know how much that means to me, Lena, honestly. I thought it was one-sided.”
“I think that’s because the last time I let myself act like I cared for someone, he hurt me.” I shake my head, and I can’t believe the words that come out of me. Jackson’s eyes lock with mine as I take a deep breath. “I was only seventeen, and I loved him with such a naïve fierceness. I told him daily I loved him. I begged him to love me, but he never did. He was in it for the money, ya see.”
“That seems to be a trend with guys and you.”
I chuckle ruefully, fighting back tears. “Ya have no idea. I’ve never had someone want to be with me, for me.”
He gazes at me, his eyes so soft and full. “I don’t have to say it, do I?”
A smile pulls at my lips. “You do.”
His gaze is tender. “I want you for you.”
I knew he was going to say it, but it still gives me the chills as I grip his hand, moving my thumb with his. “While I want to believe that, it’s hard.”
“I didn’t even know who you were—”
“I know that, but my fear of being used and hurt again is from someone else. I was trusting enough to think he wanted me too, but it was all a sham.” Clearing my throat, I look down at my hands. When he runs his forefinger along the back of my hand, I look to him.
“You don’t have to tell me.”
I give him a dry look. “Aren’t ya tired of me holding back?”
“I am, but I can see how much pain this is causing.”
I shrug, and I feel it too. “But didn’t ya tell me once that talking about it might help?” His eyes burn into mine, his fingers stroking mine soothingly. When he doesn’t say anything, I watch his fingers as I go on. “He took me out one night and got me really drunk, maybe even drugged me. I’m still very fuzzy on that detail.” I can feel Jackson tense up, but I can’t bear to look at him. “I was saving myself for marriage, ya know, part of the being a lady bit, and he hated it. So I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when I was found in my front yard in the middle of the night with my knickers at my ankles and pain everywhere.”
When I am met with silence, I chance a glance at him. His eyes are wide and crazy as he stares at me. “He raped you.”
My stomach drops. “Yes.”
His voice is full of acid as he speaks. “Please tell me that fucker is rotting in jail.”
I slowly shake my head, meeting his anguished gaze. “No, we couldn’t convict him cause me ma put me in the bathtub to clean me. She hadn’t realized what had happened. We both never thought something like that could happen here.” My throat starts to itch, so I swallow hard, but with no relief.
“That’s such bullshit, Lena. I’m so sorry.”
Fighting back the tears, I say, “Crazy thing is, I sorta of got over it. I mean, my ma made me since ladies don’t dwell. I was quickly engaged to Micah, so I truly felt like I was okay. I know now that I was hiding behind the feelings. I compartmentalized myself from worrying about him because the emotions were right in my face, all the time.”
“And you forced the feelings back into a dark room. You can’t do that.”
“Well, I know that now,” I say, meeting his anxious gaze. “And he’s the reason London happened.”
He looks confused. “I don’t understand.”
“He did end up going to jail, but it was for shooting Amberlyn instead—”