by Toni Aleo
“Sure there is.”
“What?”
“Stay for her.”
I try to laugh, but it comes out more like a cough. “I can’t, even if I wanted to.”
“Why’s that?”
I just shake my head. “Personal shit.”
“You’re never going to see me again. Why not just tell me?” she asks innocently, and I shake my head as I look down at the bar.
“I don’t want to be tied down.”
“Oh, so a man with a gypsy soul who is born to leave?”
“Eh, I wouldn’t say all that.”
“Was that how you were raised?”
I just blinked. “No, my dad really wasn’t there for me—or my mom, for that matter.”
She nods. “Did he leave you a lot?”
I shake my head. “No, but he wouldn’t let me leave when I wanted to, and I wanted to really bad.”
“Ah,” she says, and then she reaches out for my hand, squeezing it tightly. “I see, that’s a tough one.”
I scoff. “Yeah. I guess.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“What?”
“Can you honestly leave here and not think about her? Close your eyes and not see Lena the moment your lashes hit your cheeks? Or smell her, even though you know she’s not there? Can you walk away, and not feel the burn of regret?”
Her questions are like knives as I gaze into her eyes. “Because I’d never be able to do that with Declan. I miss him when he’s within reach.”
My chest aches as I inhale. I felt the same for Lena. “Seems the O’Callaghans have something about them that causes that.”
“It’s the eyes,” she answers, and I have to look away.
She is completely right.
“So, answer me, Jackson. Can you walk away and know you’ll find a better love than what you have with her?”
My mouth goes dry as I look up, meeting her gaze. I feel like I’m choking because I know every answer to every question she’s asked.
I’ll think of Lena every second. I don’t have to close my eyes to see her, nor to try to smell her. She’s all over me. The regret, oh, it’s burning, and I haven’t even left yet. But still, I’m trying to ignore it.
“What the hell? You’re supposed to be the quiet, nice one.”
She laughs, waving me off. “It’s all a ploy to get people to like me and open up.”
“You’re full of witchcraft,” I tease, and she squeezes my hand as I fall silent.
“Don’t leave.”
Patting my hand one last time, she shares a smile with me before turning and leaving the bar like she hasn’t just flipped my world upside down. I was sure there was no way she could occupy even more of my thoughts, but I was wrong. For now, as I stand in the pub where I saw her for the first time in Mayo, I can’t help but kick myself for walking away.
But I don’t deserve her, and the thought of someone else touching her makes my skin crawl.
Damn it, I want her.
I miss her.
I love her.
I need her.
But can I stay?
Jackson: Hey.
When I see his name come up on my phone, I hold my breath as a text bubble appears under his last text.
Jackson: Can we meet up? I’d like to say goodbye.
I glare at my phone, my tears itching my eyes.
Jackson: Please, Lena.
I know I shouldn’t answer him. I should just ignore him, but I can’t.
Me: No. I refuse to say goodbye to you.
With that, I throw my phone on the floor by my shoes as I bring my legs up into the chair I’m sitting in. Meredith is beside me, taking notes, while Ma looks through her iPad, making comments about the notes the woman Declan hired for the new campaign has sent over. I want to say I’m paying attention, that I am one hundred percent in the know, but my mind is flooded with thoughts of Jackson.
“She wants your hair in curls. Hm, I don’t like that,” Ma says, swiping her hand along the iPad. Her other hand hangs on her leg, and neither has moved since I entered the room over an hour ago. While it hurts, it’s easier to focus on that than the pain that is eating me alive. “She looks regal with her hair straight down her back.”
“Yes, madam.”
I’m just so mad. I still can’t believe he is going to leave.
But I refuse to cry over him. I’ve done that enough. Now I’m pissed. He promised that he’d never hurt me. That he was different, but here he is, taking my damn heart from me. I close my eyes as my ma says, “They also want green dresses instead of the blues. That doesn’t make sense to me. Meredith, a note on that. I thought the showstopper was black?”
“It is, madam.”
Ma makes a face. “Then why in the hell are they doing green?”
“I don’t know.”
Maybe I should meet up with him. Maybe I could talk him out of leaving. I haven’t talked to him in over a week. Surely, he misses me enough that he won’t want to go anymore. My silence was a test to scare him. He should have failed and come looking for me. But he hadn’t. Christ, maybe he doesn’t love me.
“If we’re doing green dresses, then her makeup will have to be dark. And why in the hell would they put her in a sports car! She is an heiress. Old-fashioned is the way to go, don’t ya agree, darling?”
I don’t get it. We could work on this—together. Like we did with my issues about Casey. Why doesn’t Jackson want to accept my help? I’m not sure how to help him, but Christ, if he needs a distraction, I’m the perfect one! I’ll do anything; I just don’t want him to leave.
“Darling?”
I whip my head up to my ma and nod quickly. “Yeah, Ma, I agree.”
She gives me a small smile. “You’ve come into your own the last three months. I almost wouldn’t know it was you sitting there, involved, if ya didn’t speak.”
I don’t comment. I’m too consumed by my pain. I don’t like knowing that he is leaving. Will he leave today? I don’t know how he is doing this. How he is walking away from what we have? It doesn’t make sense to me. Is he scared?
“Bet yer excited for some time off. Three weeks. That’s a nice holiday. Where will you and yer Jackson be off to?’
My shoulders sink as I let out a heavy sigh. I haven’t told her he broke it off with me. I haven’t told anyone because I didn’t see anyone. I went from work to my room to riding. I just didn’t have it in me to do much else. Especially when all I want is to be with him. “I don’t know yet.”
“When will ya be bringing him to dinner? Da wants to meet him too, ya know.”
“I just don’t know,” I answer, my voice breaking a bit but I suck my emotions back in.
I refuse to accept this.
“Well, haven’t you two been together over two months now?”
I wring my fingers together, my eyes shutting. If only I could tell her that I have been involved with him for almost four months. I may have thought it was a quick romp in the sheets, but the moment his lips touched mine, I knew it was more than that. When I thought I had lost him, fate brought us back together. And now, now I love myself.
Because of how he loves me.
How can he throw that away?
But then I realize something.
“That gobshite.”
“Lena, what’s wrong?”
I just shake my head as I stand. “Nothing.”
“He broke up with her.”
I whip my head to Meredith, my jaw falling open as I inhale sharply.
“He did what!” Ma roars. “He broke up with you? Does he know who he is with?”
But I’m gawking at Meredith. “How’d ya know that?”
She looks unsure as she clicks her pen to her pad. “Oh, well, Miss Lena, ya don’t go from smiling and dancing around to crying at the drop of a dime unless yer missing someone that holds yer heart. I saw him too. He looks like a train wreck. It’s painful for sure.”
That should please me to know
he is suffering too, but all it does is rip my chest open.
Jackson does love me.
“I’m sorry, but what in the world happened? I thought he was the one.”
My mind is going like mad as I stand there, going over the math again.
“Lena, answer me!”
I don’t look at Ma as I speak. “He thinks he doesn’t want to settle, that he wants to be on the move. And it’s an easy out when I can’t leave because of my commitments here.”
“He doesn’t want to settle? Again, does he know who you are?”
“Ma! He doesn’t care! He loves me for me.”
She tsks at that. “Then he shouldn’t leave.”
“But it’s not his fault. His da messed him up, so bad, and now he can’t stay anywhere more than three months without feeling trapped.”
“That’s absurd,” Ma says. “He’s a man, not a boy.”
“Ma, his dad kept him from his ma for like six years,” I explain, and thankfully, her eyes widen in shock.
“Six years! Without his ma?”
“Yeah, and his da told him that she’d be back in three months, so now time taunts him. But he won’t win.” I take in a determined breath as I glare out the window.
Where is he?
“Who won’t win?”
“His da. He won’t take him from me.”
“Is he here?”
“No, Ma! Jaysus,” I say, scanning the grounds for any sign of Jackson.
Turning, I look toward the door as I try to figure out what the hell I’m doing.
“You love him, Lena.”
I look over my shoulder toward my ma. “More than I ever thought I could.”
“Then everything else will fall into place.”
“I don’t want to lose him.”
“Then don’t let him get away,” Ma says, a smile pulling at her lips, and my heart jumps up into my throat.
“It’s easier said than done.”
“But my love, you have fought through some of your worst days to get to the days with him. Don’t give up now. Make him realize that he can fight too, that those days can’t bring him down.”
She’s right.
I nod, but as I start to move, Meredith stops me. “Do what ya do best, madam. Get what ya want.”
Soon, I’m in motion, my heart beating crazily in my chest as I rush through the room to the door. “Lena, yer shoes, yer phone!”
But I don’t need them.
I need Jackson.
As I run through the house, I check the clocks and see I have enough time to get to the train station, to stop him.
To promise that we can do this together.
“I need a driver!” I yell as I run down the stairs.
“They’re already outside, madam,” someone says as I take the steps at a run. When I lose my balance, I cry out before slamming into the floor with a thud.
“Ah, fuck,” I mutter as I scramble to my feet, hurrying to the door.
Nothing will keep me down.
Yanking open the door, I rush out, slamming it behind me. But before I can make it to the front steps, I’m stunned in place at the sound of his voice.
“I want to go in. I was on the list.”
“That was before you broke the lady’s heart,” Tony says, pushing Jackson back.
“I just need to see her.”
He’s here. He came back. He didn’t leave.
Desperately, I call out, “Jackson.”
Everyone stops, security moving away, revealing Jackson standing there in all his beautiful glory. He is just wearing some jeans and a pully, but even so, I find him irresistible.
“You’s a liar.”
His eyes widen. “What?”
“Yer a fuckin’ liar.”
He just blinks. “I don’t understand.”
“Two things, actually,” I say, coming down the stairs as I hold my fingers up. “Ya told me you’d never hurt me. You hurt me, Jackson, bad—”
“I regret that—”
“Oh no, I’m not done,” I say, coming toe-to-toe with him. “I’ve cried like I’ve never cried in my life. Do ya realize how much I love you?”
Looking away, he nods. “Probably as much as I love you.”
“Ya made me fall hard—”
“Which was a mistake, but I honestly didn’t think you’d ever really love me.”
“Are ya mad?” I ask, holding his gaze. “Jackson, I started falling for ya the moment our eyes met in that pub. Even through the drugs and drink, I saw ya. My light.”
“It just seemed out of reach.”
“But it’s not,” I urge, stepping to him. I gaze up into his face. It’s full of such hurt and pain. “He can’t win.”
His eyes fall shut as he inhales. “I know.”
“Then why do this, Jackson?”
He doesn’t answer right away. “Because I’m terrified.”
I reach for his hand, lacing my fingers with his. “Ya feel that?”
A small smile pulls at his lips as his thumb links with mine. “I do.”
“That is real. We are real. We are alive, and we have things to do. Together.”
“But—”
“But nothing,” I say, wrapping my other arm around his waist. “You say that ya can’t stay anywhere more than three months, but, Jacks, you’ve been here longer.”
His brows pull together as he brings in large lungfuls of air. “What? No, I haven’t.”
“Yeah, you were here a week before we had it out on the side of the pub,” I say, my lips curving at the fond memory. “We’ve been involved for three months now.”
He seems confused, but it doesn’t matter because it’s true. “Shit, I have.”
I nod, my eyes glazing over with tears. “You put an expiration date on us because of everything that was happening. I was a wee bit crazy, my family even more so. Add in this town and the fact that we burn up the sheets. I can see it’s overwhelming, falling in love the way we have. I get it, I do. Believe me, I know it’s easier to run than it is to fight, but, Jacks, together we can do anything.” His head falls forward, pressing into my forehead. “I thought I’d never ever face Casey again. Look him in the eye and not feel that need to flee, but I did. You’ve listened to me, you’ve loved me, and damn it, Jackson, I refuse to let ya go. I need ya to let me fight for our future with you.”
His eyes burn into mine. “I carry what he did to me, even when I try to say I’ve moved on.”
“And I’m not dismissing that. I hate him, and I don’t know him. If I had my chance, I’d sucker-punch him in the nose for you. Because I love you, Jackson. I love you so feckin’ much.”
“I love you,” he says, his voice breaking. “But you are better off—”
“With no one but you,” I assert before I reach up, holding his face in my hands. “Ya make me a better person. Ya complete me.”
“Yer my other half,” he says roughly against my lips, and I smile.
“Ya are.” Wrapping his arms around my neck, he presses his nose into mine as I whisper, “Ya don’t have to stay. You can go explore and I’ll join ya when I can, but don’t leave me behind.”
“I can’t. I thought I could, but I can’t. I’ve been absolutely empty without you.”
“I have too. I’ve yearned for you,” I plead, climbing up his body and wrapping myself around him. “I didn’t know how to tell ya I don’t want to live my life without ya.”
“I don’t either, but I thought you would be better off.”
“Better off? How have ya felt this last week? ’Cause I’ve felt fuckin’ awful.”
“Empty. I’ve been empty.”
“Exactly, Jackson,” I say, holding his neck tightly. “Us two are meant to be together, don’t ya see that?”
He nods. “I wanted to believe it, but then I had my dad’s ugly head rearing itself, along with this fucking town, saying I wasn’t good enough for you.”
“They don’t matter,” I say sternly. “No one does but us.
”
“But yet, I believed them, and I was ready to go to the station. But I couldn’t go without saying goodbye, and when you said you wouldn’t, I was stuck.”
“Ya were?”
“I couldn’t leave without my heart and soul.”
“Oh.”
“And you’re the keeper of them.”
A smile curves up my lips as I lean into him. “Well, I’m not giving them back, then.”
“I figured you’d say that.”
“So ya can’t leave.”
“Not without you.”
I smile. “Really? Ya really mean that?”
His lips move against mine. “I’m not going to lie. I’m freaking the fuck out. Lena, I seriously tried to leave, but between Amberlyn getting in my head—”
“Amberlyn? What in the world?”
He laughs, shaking his head. “I don’t know, she was there at the pub, talking to me. And the next thing I know, she has me thinking about doing something drastic.”
My face breaks into a grin. “Ah, the three things.”
“Yeah, and I’ve done the other two.”
My heart skips a beat. “Ya have.”
“And now I want to do the last. I have to do the last, for I can’t risk leaving the one I love.”
Pressing my nose to his, I hold his gaze as my heart beats wildly in my chest. I get it, he’s nervous. So am I, but we’ll be okay. I just know it. “Ya want me to be open and honest with ya?” His eyes close slowly as he grips my sides while he nods. I kiss his nose, and then softly, I whisper, “I’d never hurt ya.”
“I won’t hurt you, minus this bullshit I just pulled.”
We both smile, meeting each other’s gazes. And I know I’ll never love anyone else. “I won’t ever leave ya.”
“I’m not going anywhere unless you’re coming with me.”
“But, Jackson, honestly,” I say, moving my hand to cup his jaw, squeezing his lips together. “I want to love ya for the rest of my years.”
“And then some,” he answers, wrapping his arms around me so tightly. “And then even more. Past this life. I’d always find you, even when you don’t want me to.”
I know his words are true.
’Cause I’d do the same.
“I do love ya, Jacks.”
He scoffs. “Well, just remember, I loved you first.”
I gawk at him, squeezing his jaw. “Ya did not!”