We’re half way through dinner and just chatting away when she suddenly stops and puts her knife and fork down like she’s finished but her plates still half full. She’s shaking her head and rubbing her arms while sighing. She looks nervous. I’m about to ask what’s wrong when she speaks.
“I can’t do this anymore, Asher. I need to talk to you about something.” I straight away spin in a vortex of worst case scenarios. Is she sick? Dying? Broke? What?
“I’ve been lying to you, Asher.”
“What are you talking about, Mom?”
“It’s about your Father.”
“Oh no. Don’t go there. You know I don’t want to talk about it. You promised to never bring it up.” She slams her hand down on the table. She’s usually a very gentle woman so this shocks me silent. She means business.
“You will listen, Asher. You didn’t even hear what I said. I said I’ve been lying and I need to confess now before you make more mistakes because of my own foolish pride.”
“What mistakes? What are you going on about? Just spit it out, Mom.”
“Seven years ago, I cheated on your Father.” My whole body jolts. I can’t move or react. Am I really hearing this? Is it true? Why would she lie?
“It was one insane night after we’d had an argument. I stormed out, leaving you with your Father and that same night I made the biggest mistake of my life. He found out about it a week later from one of his friends who saw us at the motel. I’d never told your Father, I thought I could get away with it. It’s not like I was having an affair or anything. When his friend realised I hadn’t confessed he told your Father. He was furious, Asher, he said he’d never forgive me. He’d grown up watching his own Father cheating on his Mother and he swore he’d never let himself live through that, would never forgive such a betrayal.
“He asked for a divorce. I loved him so much I couldn’t let him leave me so I threatened him with you. I said if he left I’d take you away and he’d never see you again. I thought if I forced him to stay with us he’d eventually forgive me. Of course he didn’t. A year later, he met Thea. That’s his new wife. He said he loved her and he wanted to move on with his life. He said he wanted full access to you but didn’t care what I did.
“I refused again and threatened to ruin his reputation by whatever means I could. I was so mad at him for giving up on us, on our family. Why couldn’t he forgive me? It was one night, one mistake and he wouldn’t let it go. Eventually, he said he’d stay here for you, not me.
“Next, Thea got pregnant. Now he was stuck, you were a rowdy, rebellious teenager who wouldn’t understand and it was only ever your Dad you listened to. He knew I’d try to poison you against him. I’d threatened it often enough. So he decided to split his life rather than disrupt yours until you were eighteen, then he could tell you the truth without any repercussions from me.
“When the time came I wanted to head him off. I sent you on an errand where I knew you’d drive past his new house and see his car. It turned out you saw him in person and your sister too. You wouldn’t let him talk to you and you walked away so he never got the chance to tell you everything. He’s been begging me weekly ever since to do the right thing but I always hang up and make excuses to myself. I thought well, he’s got his own family, I wasn’t going to let him take you from me. It’s never bothered me much.
“Then you came home last night and talked about Bow. I’ve never heard you sound that way before, so…. in love. Then you flipped and started spitting hateful curses about double lives and how it was happening all over again. I knew you wouldn’t have let your girl explain either. You try to protect your heart so vehemently that you never listen to the whole story.
“I’ve pathetically used it to my advantage until now. I can’t keep letting you do this to yourself. You’re my whole life and I’d never forgive myself if you lost your shot at true happiness. I ruined mine and it’s no life, Asher, not really. If this is your shot don’t ruin it.”
I sit staring at the stranger in front of me. How can this lying, vindictive, manipulative woman be my Mom? My sweet, thoughtful Mom. I slowly stand, not sure if my legs will hold me. I can’t form one coherent thought. Everything she’s said is jumbled in my mind, repeating and overlapping everything that’s happened since. I can’t look at her anymore. The tears falling from her eyes have no effect on me. She took my Dad away. She allowed me to not speak to the man I worshiped my entire life for nearly three years out of jealousy and cowardice.
I step away from the table and walk upstairs. I don’t even register that I’m packing my bag until I close the zip. I go back downstairs and towards the front door. My Mom tries to block me, crying for me not to leave and to forgive her. I can barely hear her over the buzzing in my head. I move her aside and get in my truck. I don’t know where to go, so I just drive.
After a couple of hours driving around the quiet roads I pull over in front of my Dad’s house. I don’t know what I’m doing here. What am I meant to say to the man who I threw out of my life without a backward glance? I sit just staring. I can see movement inside but not anyone specific. I’m about to pull away when the front door opens.
There is my Dad. Standing tall and strong like always. He’s looking straight at me. Looking into eyes exactly like his own. A wave of shame tightens my chest that I hadn’t done this sooner. I’m a fucking awful son. He starts towards me and I feel like I should be panicking or driving away. I’ve spent so long hating him I don’t know what to do now. He opens my door and drags me out of my seat by my arm and into the tightest hug I’ve ever had. I didn’t realise I was crying until now. The scent of his cologne is so familiar and comforting. I’ve never forgot that smell.
“I’m sorry, Dad.” I manage to croak out after a few minutes.
“It’s okay, Son.” He’s crying too.
We must stand like that for half an hour, saying nothing, just holding each other close. Eventually, I pull away.
“I’m gonna go now, I’ve got some things I need to sort but I promise I’ll see you soon.” I need time to get my head on straight. Everything I knew to be true changed a few hours ago and I need to process that and I refuse to dump my Mom’s mess on my Dad.
“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry too. I should have tried harder to get through to you back then. I should have never let you walk away that day…. Does this mean you’ll answer my calls now?” He smirks.
I squeeze out a small chuckle. “Sure it does. Maybe you could come watch a game sometime. I’m a starter now.”
“I’ve never missed one.” I can barely breathe after he said that. He’s been there for me this whole time. “But I do know a little girl named Carly who’d love to see her big brother throw around the old pig skin. Maybe I’ll bring her with me next time.”
“You do that…. And your wife too.”
One short, strong hug later, I’m back on the road. I’m suddenly exhausted. I make it to college just as night falls and my heavy eyes get painful. There are only a few brothers here, most having gone home for the holiday. I fall onto my bed and am asleep before my head hits the pillow.
***
I wake still dressed in the clothes I wore yesterday bursting for a piss. I notice why when I see the clock on my dresser. It nearly 4 o’clock in the afternoon. I’ve been asleep for 18 hours. I must have needed it but I’m stiff as hell now. My muscles are aching from being inactive for so long. I decide to go for a run to loosen up.
When I get back I check my phone. I’ve got nineteen missed calls from Tate and Colby. There’s even a couple there from Michael and Anthony too. I’m about to listen to my messages when it rings in my hand. It’s Colby.
“Hello.”
“Hello?! That’s all you can say, Hello? I’ve been shitting myself for the past five hours. Where are you?”
“Back at the frat house. I should have text, I’m sorry.”
“You should be fucking sorry. I went by your house this morning and your Mom was drunk out of
her mind, sipping vodka straight from the bottle. I searched for you but couldn’t find you anywhere. I cleaned her up a bit and put her to bed. All I could get out of her was that you’d run away.”
“Yeah, not exactly. More run away from her. She’s been lying this whole time about my Dad.”
“What the fuck did she lie about?”
“Everything. She cheated and black mailed my Dad into staying. Then, manipulated me into catching him when he was about to tell me the truth.”
“Shit….Hang on one second, Ash, I’ve got another call.” About twenty seconds later he’s back. “Sorry about that, I was just calling off the cavalry.”
“The cavalry?”
“Yeah, I kinda panicked after I saw your Mom and couldn’t get a hold of you. Don’t get mad but I rang Michael to see if you were with Bow at Oddball, I figured he’d know. Turns out Bow’s in Italy so I could rule that out. Then word sort of spread that you were missing so we’ve been searching. Michael just rang for an update so I’ve called them off.”
All I really heard out of that whole thing was that Bow’s in Italy. It’s her first Thanksgiving without her Dad and she’s all alone. I’d shamefully left her to suffer on her own. She’s not even on the same continent as me right now. I feel empty knowing I can’t get to her.
“Anyway, I’m heading back now, I’m half way there in fact. So, I’ll see you in a few.” Colby hangs up.
I know I’ve made a mistake with Bow now. I was slowly coming to that conclusion before, yet in a twisted way I’m grateful this happened. If Bow had been with me I probably never would have learned the truth about my Dad and I would have still blown it with Bow when she told me the truth. I can finally see how my stubbornness has played a major factor in the bad things that have happened in my life. I’m not the victim in these situations, my Dad and Bow are thanks to me. The impulse to go crawling back to her on my knees is fundamental. However, I want to go back to her a better man than before. That means sorting my shit out and not piling it on her. She deserves better from me and I refuse to let her or myself down.
My phone beeps with a text: Glad to hear you’re okay. We’ve found out you didn’t rat Bow out, it was some temp at her modelling agency trying to make a few bucks. So you’re safe from me even though I still think you’re a dumb bastard. M.
A smile pulls at my lips reading Michael’s text, hearing from him for the first time in what feels like ages. It’s nice to know that he hasn’t deleted my cell number. I was certain Glen would have done a cull on their phones. I hadn’t even thought how I was going to go about convincing Bow that I’d not betrayed her when the time come. So I have one thing to be truly thankful for.
I unpack my bag and while unloading my clothes I knock over my trash can. Only one thing rolls out. I reach for the crumpled paper and smooth it out. It’s the poster of Bow from the hallway wall. I run my thumb over her face and wish I could feel her soft skin for real. I put the poster in my desk. I can’t throw it away again.
Chapter sixteen
Bow
I get back a day earlier than I planned from Italy. The shoot went great and should be on the cover of the December issue of Italian Vogue. I’m torn about getting back. I miss everyone but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to myself that I miss Asher the most. Time doesn’t seem to be healing this wound. I have to keep reminding myself that it hasn’t actually been long since we broke up, it just feels that way.
I pull in at Oddball and am beyond thrilled to see that the fence is up. There are a couple of the workers’ trucks outside so someone’s still here. They must be nearly done though because I was told one of the last jobs would be the fence as they’d need the room to bring in diggers and more construction equipment. I let myself in the house and immediately head for the back door.
I’m astonished. It’s incredible. The pool is currently being filled put it seems almost full. It’s built to appear to be a big lagoon. There are no steps into it, it slopes as you walk in from the edge. It’s still 18ft deep at the lowest point. There’s two Jacuzzis. One is outside, accessible from the pool and the seating area. The other is hidden in the rock formation and only accessible from the pool through the waterfall. It’s completely covered and private.
Twelve large bed loungers are positioned around the pool each with a small matching table to the side. The outdoor kitchen/bar is very sleek and has an area in front of it with a big, chunky table with benches, very similar to the one rented for my birthday. It’ll seat about twenty people comfortably.
I say hi to the workers before checking out the pool house that will also be finger print entry only. It has concertina doors that can open it right up, perfect for a party. It has two guest bedrooms, a kitchen and a small living area. The rest is made up of space dedicated to the pool and the yard. There are four showers and a large changing room with three privacy cubicles for us girls and fitted individual cubbys for everyone. I hang the signs I had made in Italy for each cubby in the changing room so we have our own designated area to keep our stuff. There’s only two spare as I’ve put up a sign for Colby and Tate too. I wish I could hang Asher’s but I can’t so I hide it in the back of my cubby instead.
We have two industrial sized washer and dryers in a laundry room, plus a huge control panel that everything is connected to from outside. There is a bathroom with sinks, three toilets and two urinals and lastly a room just for pool chemicals and supplies. I ended up making the Tardis into a toilet with a sink instead of a shower. It’ll save everyone trampling into the pool house when they’re wet just to use the toilet.
The rest of the yard has been re-turfed. There a few paved seating areas with comfy outdoor chairs and tables and a few more secluded with swing seats. My favourite is nearest the house. It has a fire pit and canvas seats surrounding it. The landscaper is an artist. Colourful tropical plants and flowers are scattered giving areas of privacy but also opening it up, linking everything together. The plants and flowers that are around the pool and emerge from the rocks are fake. Very good fakes but fake all the same.
By the time I’ve finished investigating, the foreman arrives for me to sign off on all the work. I write him a check to give the workers who were here over Thanksgiving something extra. After they’ve left, I go to get my bags from the car and take them up to my room. I indulged in a bit of retail therapy while I was there so my bags are significantly heavier than when I left.
I unpack and come across my new bikini. I decide to finish later and grab a few more bikinis and a new white cotton robe to put into my cubby. I strip, get in my bikini and put my wig in one of my drawers. Grabbing two towels, I skip to the pool. Wading in, the waters not quite warm yet as it’s only just been filled and is still heating. I know the Jacuzzi is designed to go from lukewarm to hot in under three minutes with the simple press of the big rubber button on the side so I head straight in there.
I’m just settling into the hot tub and relaxing when I hear my phone ring. Thank god I thought ahead to buy a waterproof case. It’s Michael.
“Hello.”
“Hey sugar, where are you? Your car is here but you’re not. Don’t hide from me, B.”
Laughing I answer, “I’m in the waterfall hot tub.” I refuse to call it the grotto like he suggested. The line goes dead. A few minutes later I hear lots of splashing and Michael, Glen and Anthony emerge through the waterfall.
“Here’s my favourite guys!” They all tumble into the hot tub.
“I can’t believe how this has turned out. The yard looks like it should be part of a resort or something.” Anthony exclaims.
We spend the next twenty minutes raving about everything. We get out and I show them all the features that the foreman pointed out. I’d missed quite a few myself on the first trip around. Glen wanders off straight away and is soon directing us around various parts of the yard to test that the ground sensors are working correctly.
We clean up, order a take out and go down to the movie room for its premier
use. Half way through the second Lord of the Rings I call it quits. I’m jet lagged and can’t keep my eyes open any longer.
Everyone is back the next day, including Tate and Colby who are desperate to see the yard. I secretly hoped Asher would be with them. No one ever mentions him anymore, it’s almost as if he was never here. I know they’re doing it for my benefit but I wouldn’t mind hearing his name uttered once in a while. He’s the one person apart from Michael and Ralph who knows me the best. Every time my phone makes a noise my heart skips in my chest. I can’t help thinking it might be him. It never is.
I’ve gone to contact him a few times yet never gone through with it. It’s cowardly but I don’t know what reception I’ll get. If he shouted at me like before I’m not sure I’d recover from that. To take my mind of it, I lead everyone out to the yard.
It’s a real pleasure seeing everyone react to it. Tate has me in stitches as he declares he wants to be the first to piss in the Tardis and runs up to it and slams the door behind him. Colby is elated by the sign with his name on above a cubby. He picks me up and twirls me around before running into one of the bedrooms to ‘test his new bed’. I stand smiling at him saying nothing. He sticks out his bottom lip, clasps his hands together under his chin and gives me puppy dog eyes. I tease him with, “I’ll think about it.” I never say any different. He’s happy as long as it’s not a definite no.
The next few days are busy for everyone. I’ve got a lot of assignments to catch up on, especially as it’s under three weeks until a few of us leave for London. We’ll be away for five days for the Victoria’s Secret runway show. Not so long ago I’d dreamt of blowing Asher a kiss on one of my runs, now I’d settle for a wave to my friends. Anthony and Radley can’t come and so are trying to come up with something for me to do at the end of the runway that they’ll know is just for them. All of their suggestions so far are ludicrous. I promise if they come up with something feasible I’ll do it.
Model Student Page 12