by K.N. Lee
“No, I don’t want to go home.” I turned his face to me. I caught one more flicker of gray and then it was blocked again. “I’ve spent enough time there. Maybe we could hang out here. You can tell me more about you, you know, what you told me we were coming here for.” Inside I was kicking myself for being so foolish. He gave me an out, and I should have taken it.
“What else do you want to know?” He smiled, but the sentiment never touched his eyes; the gray there didn’t electrify me like it usually did.
“Anything you want to tell me.” He needed to relax, but I wasn’t able to get him to.
We sat back on the couch again and he told me about his family. He had a twin sister named, Layal, who looked just like him, only shorter. His mother left home when he was a boy without any explanation. One day she kissed him and walked out the door. He never saw her again. I cried when he told me about her. How could I not? It was his description of the way she looked. His mom and Layal were like twins all their own. It was hard on his father. For months he had alienated Layal because her face would bring him to tears. His father, Lamar, who was an important figure in their community, was the one who trained him after they found out who he was meant to be. Lacal hated it but never asked for another trainer. It was his way of taking his mind off his troubles. It gave him a reason to switch his focus to something else.
He told me about his best friend, Jemal and how everyone was sure he would be the next Serve. Apparently, a witch (yes, there were witches as well) had divined that it would be him. They took this to be truth as her predictions had never been incorrect before. Jemal was trained from birth in the ways of a great Serve, but on my 17th birthday the connection was triggered, and it was revealed that Lacal was meant to be my serve, not Jemal. He explained that the ceremony took place in the Arc temple where Rasmiyah, a tree attached to the spirit of the mother of ‘our people’, lived. I thought this was fitting because trees were a considered to be symbols of hierarchy.
When a new High Arc turns 17, the trees leaves begin to glow with a light that comes from Rasmiyah’s energy. They don’t stop glowing until the Serve to be bonded enters the temple and his blood is offered to the tree, thus stimulating the bond. The bond cannot be completed until both the High Arc and the Serve re-enter the temple together. What happens after that is unknown, as no one else is allowed to witness the event.
“It was like heat, a dull fire racing through my veins. My blood rushed, and I could hear nothing but the sound of your name. I could see nothing but a blurred image of your face. The image was quickly replaced by flashes of Darkness coming for you. It was a warning and I heard it, a thousand voices in one, they told me I had to get to you.” He explained it to me as my heart pounded.
When Jemal offered his blood, nothing happened. There of course, was upset and confusion throughout the community. Eventually, one by one, all the boys who were of age lined up to offer their blood. Lacal, was the fifth boy to do so. He described the feeling when the branches bent and reached for him, pouring their light into his soul and connecting him to me forever.
Of course, people were happy because it meant that they were closer to finding their new High Arc, but there were some disappointed that Jemal was not the chosen one. As for Lacal’s friendship with Jemal, that was completely over. Jemal didn’t appreciate being pushed out of the spotlight. He started to ignore Lacal, and eventually was hanging with people that Lacal thought should be avoided. Jemal wanted the attention back and he was happy with any form of it, even if it was negative.
Jemal was pleased when Lacal left on his search to find me. He figured Lacal’s search would be unsuccessful and therefore would never return. He knew that Lacal had too much pride to come back empty handed. This meant Jemal would be able to return to be the golden boy of the village. The last he heard Jemal was basically in charge of the village’s security detail.
Lacal was happy to get away from the attention. He wasn’t used to it and it bothered him; especially the pressure of finding me. Layal was the one who came up with the theory of something or someone trying to hide me from him. This gave him an excuse to leave, one he was relieved to have. Before this, everyone thought it was best that he sit back and wait for me to come for him or for something to be revealed. They felt that Rasmiyah would show him the way when it was time. This we both now knew would never have happened.
“Do you miss them, your father and sister?” That emptiness inside me stung and I tried to focus on Lacal’s story and not my own loss. I had done enough moping around about both Nana and my parents. I could suck it up and be there for him.
“Every minute since I left.” He grabbed my hand again and held it tightly, always trying to comfort me, he could see right through me, just as I could him.
“You should be happy now.” This wasn’t about me, it was about him. I wanted to keep the attention where it belonged.
“Why is that?” The look he gave me made me shiver for a moment; this conversation was leading somewhere I was afraid to go.
“You can see your family again now, can’t you?” He didn’t say anything; he just stared at me with hopeful yet saddened eyes. “I mean you found me and that was what you left home to do. Now you can go back and tell them you succeeded in your quest.” It felt weird to think of anyone celebrating over Lacal finding me.
“I suppose so,” he dropped his head to stare at the floor with regret in his eyes.
“You don’t sound convinced. Don’t you want to go back?” My heart skipped a beat, excited that he may choose to stay with me instead.
“I’m not sure if I’m ready to go back to all of that,” his shoulders hunched forward. I laid my hand on his back and rubbed it trying to relax him without getting too excited about the contact. It was hard to ignore the way the palm of my hand lit up.
“Why?” I moved my hand to his hair and started stroking his long locks. It was supposed to make him feel better, but the effect it had on me was once again more than I was prepared for.
“I can’t lie; it’s a lot easier being on my own. There is no stress, no drama, and no politics to deal with. Once I found out who I was, my life was no longer my own. It was theirs, I belonged to the people. I stopped being me and they took over completely. My life became a series of schedules. Training and classes, quizzes and challenges. I had to be prepared; my life was always about preparation. Now, I do what I want, when I want. It’s more me and I like it that way.”
“I can understand that, but eventually you will have to go back if all you’ve said is true. They will expect you to return someday.”
“You mean we will have to return Alexa,” He turned and looked at me, and I understood why he had been keeping me out. He was blocking me from his anxiety. This was what he was afraid to tell me, all the other stuff was just so that I would understand. The real reveal was that he couldn’t go back unless I went with him.
“What?” I moved away from him. I pulled my right hand from his, my left no longer stroking his hair, just putting that space between us wounded me. The bond tried to pull me back to him, but somehow, I had control. My limbs shouted at me, a new form of agony, not of pain but of want.
“We will have to go back. Alexa, you’re the reason I left. I can’t go back without you.” He stared at me intently.
Throughout his entire speech and even after he told me what he thought I was meant to be, the only thing that had really mattered to me was that he felt okay. I had wanted him to feel like he could continue, because I needed to hear what he had to say. It became my job to make sure he did. I did not stop to factor myself into the equation. He came to me to find me, not just to be my boyfriend and have picnics and long drives together. He came to take me back with him! My chest tightened, I was feeling suffocated, I couldn’t tell what was making me feel that way. Was it the pressure of being a queen? Was it the fear of him wanting to take me away? Or the distance I had placed between us? It didn’t really matter. I couldn’t give him what he wanted.
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br /> “I can’t.” I choked out. I was trying not to hyperventilate or even more embarrassing, pass out. I took deep breaths trying to sooth the burning that was now growing in my chest.
“Why?” He whispered the question. He was afraid and so was I, but for two entirely different reasons. He feared that I would say no. I feared that I would want to say yes.
“I don’t know…I just can’t.” I shook my head trying lift the weight of the decision he was asking me to make.
“You have nothing here, anyway,” his words were sincere and patient, but they still managed to burn like lava on my skin.
“And that means what? Am I supposed to pick up and follow you, a complete stranger, to only God knows where?” I got up. I had to get away from him, so I could think clearly. He looked at me and I felt myself giving in, but, there was no way I could give him this. That irrational, impulsive, animalistic side of me would give Lacal the world, but the logical, self-preserving side, told me that this was too much to give. He had no right to ask it of me.
“You have to accept this.” He pleaded with me, but I ignored him and the angst that his words caused me to feel.
Putting up my own wall was easy now with this anger inside of me, just as it had been with my grandmother. Everyone I loved, I couldn’t keep. I did love Lacal, deep down. It simmered within me and every time he came near me, the heat came closer to the surface. However, that no longer mattered because I would never be able to give him what he wanted. He would leave, just like she did.
“I don’t have to accept anything. You are out of your mind. I don’t even know you and you’re asking me to leave the only life I have, and run off to some imaginary world with you!” My words hurt him, but it was how I felt, and I had to defend myself against the choice I knew he would make.
“Alexa…” He wanted to continue to try and convince me, and he would have if I had let him keep talking.
“No. No more. I’m going home. Now!” I brushed him off and refused to look at him; if I did I would cower instantly. There was only so much resolve I was capable of with him and the limit was quickly approaching.
“Okay, I’ll get my keys.” He gave up his fight and turned to the kitchen where he had tossed them on the counter.
“Don’t bother, I’ll call Jazz and have her pick me up,” being in the car with him wasn’t a good idea. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust him. Lacal would do whatever I wanted him to, I knew that. I couldn’t trust myself. In the closed space of the car, I would definitely lose my bearings and be taking off to space land with him.
I grabbed my jacket and purse from where I had tossed them on the arm of the couch and headed for the door.
“Where are you going to go?” He sounded more protective than angry, but I did not turn around to see if his expression confirmed that. Just like with Nana. I didn’t want him to be angry, but there was only so much of myself I could give.
“We drove by a coffee shop; it wasn’t that far away, I’ll wait for her there.”
“Don’t be ridiculous! You can stay here and wait. I won’t bother you,” he was telling the truth, but it didn’t matter. He jumped in my path.
“Now, I’m being ridiculous? I’m not staying here,” I sounded like a child throwing a temper tantrum as I refused to cooperate or listen to reason, but getting away from him was the only thing on my mind. It was the only way to be sure I would not do anything irrational.
He stopped protesting. He knew that I wouldn’t be changing my mind. At least not right now. Keeping my head down, I pushed past him. The door was heavier than I thought, and it fought against my efforts to open it. Lacal reached around me and easily pulled it open, which only irritated me more. I pushed the door aside, stepped out, and with all of my effort slammed it behind me.
He didn’t follow me and that part inside of me that was bonded to him, cried in disbelief. If he thought we were meant to be together for all of eternity, why didn’t he fight harder to keep me there? Why didn’t he demand that I listen to him and refuse to let me walk out of that door? Why did he give up so easily?
22
While I walked to the coffee shop, I called Jazz who wasted no time in drilling me with questions. Not only was I not in the mood to answer, I didn’t know what to say. I interrupted her but promised to answer her questions later. I had no idea how to put what happened into words without making it sound like I was completely insane or that Lacal was. After all that I really was starting to feel like I had lost a few marbles.
I believed him. Against my better judgment and as hard as I tried to override my emotions with logic I believed him. It all seemed impossible. His words touched me in a way I had no explanation for. They reached inside me and felt more real than anything I’d ever heard before. The truth was simply undeniable.
The little shop was further away than I remembered. Walking past the duplicate houses felt like being in a cartoon scene. I pictured myself as Fred Flintstone chasing after Barney Rubble. It always irritated me how the images in the background never changed. No matter how long they ran, they never made it out of that damn room! I chuckled to myself and was glad for the momentary release.
I made it to the coffee shop and was relieved to find it empty. Crowds made it impossible to think with the added chatter. I would end up doing more people watching than thinking about my own issues. I ordered my drink and grabbed a table by the window facing the parking lot to give me a clear view of Jazz when she showed up.
“Here you go, do you need anything else?” The waitress handed me the tea I ordered and stood there bouncing the pencil eraser on her notepad.
“No, I'm alright.” I expected her to walk away but she didn’t. “Can I help you with something?”
She just stood there and looked at me for a moment. She looked tired but not from lack of sleep, more like she had been out the night before and was still hung over. Her blond hair was thrown into a sloppy ponytail that was barely holding on. The name tag that was pinned crookedly on her brown polo that all the waitresses wore read, Lauren.
Her pants, which hung from her skinny waste and sagged to her hips, had stains on them that I hope were from work related spills. Her shoe laces were untied, an obvious hazard for a waitress. All in all, she looked like she could use a shower and about 12 hours of sleep.
“I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about,” she tilted her head, rolled her eyes and turned to walk away.
“Excuse me?” She turned back to me, “Fuss about what?”
“You,” she pointed her finger and me and smiled.
“Me? What are you talking about?” I hate to admit it, but I was already irritated with her.
“You did just walk here from that guy Lacal’s house, right?” The window gave a clear view of the path back to Lacal’s place. She must have seen me coming.
“So?” I didn’t like her saying his name, our bond made me territorial, and if she said one negative thing about him I would probably attack her.
“This is a very small part of town. I got about 20 texts before you even hit the door. You’ve pissed off a lot of girls. This little town is like a restaurant. Lacal, as we see him, is a new customer. Wouldn’t you be mad if a fresh customer came into your establishment, sat down, and asked for takeout?” She rolled her neck and sucked her teeth.
“Did you just call me takeout?” My patience had already been tried after dealing with Lacal’s revelation, and now my fuse was short, barely there. I pushed my seat from the table and stood up, ready to fight. My body needed to release endorphins and she had just given me the perfect way to do that.
Lauren smiled at first, ready for a fight. She dropped her right leg back, and put up her fist, and stood in a boxing stance. I should have stopped and second guessed my decision. Hell, I was no trained fighter, barely a scrapper, but my anger had taken over again. When I was angry, I was invincible, or least my mind thought I was.
Something about her changed after I stood up completely. Her brown eyes we
nt from cocky to terrified. I almost turned to see what was behind me that could possibly be so distressing, but she wasn’t looking behind me, she was looking at me.
“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” I stepped closer to her; she jumped backward and stumbled into the table behind her. I saw her aura then, she was terrified of me. The colors were frantic. It was something I hadn’t expected from this girl. I imagined the girl to be bossy, pushy, and sometimes overbearing.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…I didn’t know,” awkwardly she raced away from me into the back of the shop behind the counter. She tripped before she made it there and nearly hit her face on the counter.
Maybe, I should have asked her what she meant, but after speaking to Lacal, I realized ignorance was truly bliss. I sat back in my chair and started sipping the mint tea I had ordered. I looked over my shoulder once and caught her staring at me. She freaked when I looked at her and retreated behind the counter again, pretending to be busy with inventory. But there was something there, recognition. Inside I felt that entity unravel and purr as if it were proud. I drank more tea, trying to drown it out.
After I shook off the incident with the waitress and relaxed, my mind belonged to him again. How could something feel so right and at the same time make absolutely no sense at all? Everything about Lacal just screamed that he belonged with me. His presence called something inside of me to life. I already felt protective of him, even though he was probably more capable of protecting himself than I was. With him it was all instinct; so much easier to be free and not worry about how everything else in my life had been so messed up.
Time passed faster than I wanted it to. I needed more time. Jazz would want an explanation for why she had to drive two hours to come get me. There would be no stopping her until she was satisfied. My stomach began to ache as I realized there was no way that I could possibly satisfy her.
I saw the red convertible pull up in front of the shop about a second before she blew the horn. I grabbed my stuff, chugged down the rest of my drink and headed out to face the music. Lauren stood by the door, and as I approached, backed away slowly to give me space. She looked almost like she was bowing, and I would have dismissed the idea, but when I walked by her I heard her say it. ‘Your Highness’ it was a whisper, barely audible, but I heard it, I stopped and stared at her for a moment. Inside I was moved, I could feel every part of me spring to life as I heard her, it felt right. She looked at me with eyes wide with awe and smiled shyly. I swallowed my pride, smothered the feelings that were arising, and continued out the door.