by Poppy Flynn
As he dived into the elevator, Joel thought he saw a slight smile on his father's face, but all his father did was take Anita by the arm and steer her to the second car, telling her that he'd arrange an immediate flight back home and cancel the publication of the official engagement announcements while his short lived and now ex fiancée cursed and stomped in a most unladylike manner, quite unbecoming of a corporate wife, and ranted about houses and designer clothes and social standing that told Joel she was more upset about the material things she had lost rather than the man that he was. The relief he felt at his decision made him feel light enough to fly.
Joel stood outside the door of Desi's apartment, feeling more scared than he ever had in his life. Not scared that the woman inside had the ability to undermine his control, but scared that it might be too late, that he might have already lost her.
He had experienced another epiphany on the drive over, one where he had realised that he was stronger with her than without, where he finally understood that he lost nothing of himself by allowing her into his heart, but he gained so much more from her being there. She could compliment and support him, guide him and soothe him. She could bring light and laughter and contentment into his miserable existence. Suddenly, all the steps he had taken to erase her from his life made no sense at all. What the hell had he been thinking? For the life of him, he could no longer understand his own logic in all that he'd done. None of it was very rational, which only proved how warped his thinking had been.
Now, though, his path seemed so very clear. He wanted Desi in his life, permanently. He wanted her for his wife, and anything else was just a bonus. He realised, at last, that he'd never been searching for the perfect submissive. He had just been searching for Desi. It didn't matter how she presented herself, whether she was quiet or loud, whether she was statue still or even if she writhed deliciously beneath him. It didn't even matter if they never scened together or played again. It only mattered that she was his.
He had loved her forever; he was ready to admit it now. No other woman had ever had the ability to cause him to jeopardise his company and his career. Only Desi. And that had been obvious from the day he had gone to battle over her with Eric Oliver, throwing caution to the wind with that very first punch and endangering both. He had been lucky; his misdemeanours had been concealed and suppressed, but in truth, he would have accepted them and their consequences if it had meant that he got to keep her.
But she had read it all wrong and disappeared from his life, and that was what had gutted him. He had been prepared to give up everything for her, but she had run away. From that moment on, he had vowed to never let anyone close enough to hurt him again. She had the power to hurt him now. Joel didn't know quite what he would do if he couldn't pull this off, but he knew he would never forgive himself if he didn't at least try.
Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door, raking his hands through his thick black hair as he waited. Was she even at home? he wondered.
When the door was eventually opened by his cousin, Joel froze. Jake stood in front of him, shirtless and rubbing his wet hair with a towel. Joel closed his eyes and sank his teeth into his bottom lip as a shaft of pain ripped through him and he lifted tortured eyes to his cousin's face. He didn't dare dissect the scene in front of him too deeply. It would tear him apart.
"I need to talk to her," he whispered, pleading with his eyes for Jake to understand. He loved this man like a brother…but he loved Desi more.
Before he could say anything else, Jake had grabbed him by the lapels, pulled him stumbling into the house and pushed him forcefully up against the wall. Joel's arms hung loosely by his sides as Jake got up in his face, his expression twisted into one of resolve and determination. "Don't you dare bloody hurt her again!" he growled, his eyes holding Joel's as if he was searching for something.
"I won't, I promise," he whispered back.
As he pushed away and brushed down Joel's jacket where his fists had crumpled the fabric, Jake gave a single nod, seemingly content with whatever he had gleaned from that long stare, but Joel wasn't oblivious to the way Jake's jaw clenched and the resigned loneliness that skated swiftly over his cousin's features before he straightened and swept it aside.
Striding over to Desi, who he realised was standing across the room dressed in a bright peasant skirt and a cropped vest top, whatever empathy he felt for what he was about to do to his cousin was washed away by the flood of jealousy he felt when Jake took Desi into his arms and held her close as he whispered in her ear.
Desi wanted Jake to send Joel away. She didn't want to see him or speak to him, not yet. She knew she'd have to, eventually, she just hadn't expected it to be like this, in her own home where she was so much more vulnerable to him.
Jake pulled her to him and held her tight. "Remember what you promised me, Desi," he murmured in her ear, and for a moment, she didn't understand.
Then she pulled back, and he lifted his head as comprehension tickled at her awareness, but Desi shook her head and lifted her hand to his cheek.
Jake brought both his hands up to cup her face, and she could see a sadness in his eyes that she desperately wanted to erase.
"You promised!" he whispered urgently, then pressed a brief but tender kiss to her lips before he wrapped her in his arms and held her tightly while he tucked his face into the crook of her neck.
She felt like he was saying goodbye, and that made tears fill her eyes. Over his shoulder, she glanced at Joel, who hadn't moved from where Jake had hauled him up against the wall. The look of sheer torment on his face as he witnessed her with Jake left her feeling torn and wanting to comfort him, too.
Jake took a deep breath and whirled away from her. Striding back across the room while pulling a T-shirt over his head, he said nothing more, just speared Joel with a serious look before he left the house. The door slammed behind him, but neither of them moved.
Finally, Desi's eyes left the door where she'd tracked Jake's retreat and swung to Joel.
There was a weight of expectation in the air and she felt like all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room. In her fanciful mind, she half expected to hear the crackle of electrical lightning filling the space, but all that surrounded them was absolute awareness and a tension that stretched as tight as an elastic band on the verge of snapping.
Desi held her ground, she didn't dare so much as hope, so she just watched. Joel was agitated; that much was obvious. His usual calm, unruffled manner was nowhere in sight. His hair stuck up where he'd constantly run his hands through it and his normally pristine suit looked like he'd slept in it for a week. His tie was askew and the confidence he usually exuded, like it was part of his very soul, was disturbingly lacking. It unnerved Desi to see him like this, it was just so very wrong. For as long as she'd known him, from the very day they'd met, he'd always been intense, unyielding and compelling. Even as a very young man, Joel had exuded an assurance and command beyond his years. They were the very traits that had drawn her to him, a foil for her own whimsy and impulsiveness. Her anchor. She had been in awe of him, compelled by him, ruled by him, and Joel had always been composed and unemotional, but she had never doubted his affection…until that day.
"The day you left," Joel whispered as if he had read her mind. "Was the very worst day of my life. Not because I stood on the verge of an assault charge, not because my education, my career, or even my freedom were hanging in the balance…" His eyes gripped her, full of pain and emotion. "But because you were gone." He took in a shuddering breath. "My whole life lay in tatters around my feet, the control I prided myself on was shredded, I'd left a…family friend…injured and in hospital, the dean was about to expel me, and the police were waiting to arrest me. The welfare of the entire corporation was dangling precariously, completely dependent on how everything played out, but all I cared about was you."
It hurt Desi to see the fear and uncertainty in his eyes. It so didn't belong there, not in this strong, undaunted Dom. She fel
t her heart splintering for him as the tears that had already been close to the surface swelled in her eyes.
"When Jake told me you were gone…well, at first, I wouldn't believe him. I thought you were just mad, that you needed time to calm down. That belief was the only thing that got me through the chaos of the next few days."
Joel's voice, already low and strangled, broke uncharacteristically and wrenched at Desi's heart. Her hand came up instinctively, but her feet refused to carry her to him, so she waited.
"When I was able to look for you, myself…" Joel trailed off completely and scrunched up his eyes. She watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed and gulped in air to compose himself.
"When I realised you really were gone, well, then I didn't care about anything anymore. Dad had managed to smooth things over with the University. He'd infused a huge amount of cash into one of their research centre's as a sweetener, but I was on a path to self-destruct. I stopped going to lectures, my grades tanked, I started drinking and that bloody reporter who burned Jake started sniffing around for another story. I was on the verge of blowing it all over again because, without you, it was all meaningless."
Desi leaned against the closest object, unable to hold herself up any longer, unable to get her head around exactly what Joel was telling her. The images he created completely at odds with the composed, self-assured man that she knew.
"It was Jake who bailed me out yet again. He threw my drunken ass into a cold shower fully clothed and then showered me with a few home truths to boot. Asked me if I was really going to throw away the second chance that I'd been given. He actually threatened to trade places with me. Quite seriously. Said it wouldn't take much for him to become Joel Blackwood; we looked enough alike, he said, to fool most people. He told me he would take my second chance and my future and that while I was drowning in my own pity I might as well take on the revulsion and the disgust that was directed at him after that newspaper article, so at least one of us could get on with our life and provide the company with what it needed."
Tears spilled unchecked down her cheeks, and she could feel herself trembling, even though she adamantly refused to read anything into his words.
"When I finally managed to pull myself together, my control issues were even more pronounced than before and I vowed that no one would ever get close enough to destroy me a second time."
A small cry left her lips at the idea that she had caused him so much pain. She knew only too well just how that felt, how far a soul would go to protect itself from the type of debilitating hurt that only the truly adored could inflict. Her unhappy heart felt like it was bleeding for him and all she wanted to do was soothe his pain and shield him within the protection of her arms…except she didn't know if that was what he wanted from her. Maybe he was just telling her all this to purge himself, to allow himself the freedom to move on. Because she wasn't stupid, as much as the knowledge hurt, she knew that's what he had been trying to do. Having had the same struggle, herself, she wouldn't deny him this, if this was what he needed. She loved him enough to want him to be happy, even if that happiness didn't include her. She needed to remember that he was engaged to another woman. Desi nodded to herself. Yes, the image of Anita would keep her from making a complete fool of herself and offering Joel more of what he didn't want.
"I spent the next ten years searching for the impossible, searching for the perfect sub, one who satisfied my personal prerequisites for control, searching for what I had found with you." Joel's voice became a strangled gasp, and Desi felt her shoulders heave in a silent sob and mustered all the control he had instilled in her for stillness and silence to prevent it from escaping.
"And then, when I saw you again," his voice came out in an agonised whisper, "I realised I had never been looking for control, I had just been looking for you. I'd been kidding myself all that time and I was so disgusted with myself that all I could concentrate on was banishing you from my mind, wiping you out of my consciousness, purging you from my life and destroying the hold you had over me."
Joel's words rained down on her like needle sharp shards of pain and devastation. Desi slid to the floor at the anguish his declarations poured on her battered heart. She would give him this retribution, if this was what he needed, but she could no longer keep the agony he inflicted on her at bay. She could no longer keep the sobs that wracked her body silent. If his own solace was in witnessing her suffering, then he had it.
Desi wrapped her arms around her knees, where she now sat on the cold, hard floor and held on for dear life, praying that she could at least stay upright and not further humiliate herself by curling into a fetal ball on her side. She rested her forehead on her knees and did her best to muffle the weeping that overwhelmed her being.
When Joel spoke again, his voice was close. She felt his strong arms wrap around her shuddering body, his own tremulous breath fluttering across her ear. "But I couldn't do it," he grated hoarsely. "Nothing worked, because no matter what I did, I just couldn't stop myself from loving you."
A long, plaintive moan was wrenched from Desi's soul, but Joel's next words echoed through her consciousness as loud as thunder, even though they were uttered in a mere whisper. "I still love you," he breathed, and the words were like a balm on her injured spirit. She tipped her head to rest on his and rotated her hands to clutch at his forearm.
"But if Jake is what you want, then I'll walk away. I already owe him more than I can ever repay and more than anything in the world. I just want you to be happy…" Joel's voice dropped to no more than a sigh. "And if it's Jake that makes you happy, then so be it."
Desi turned in Joel's embrace, raised herself to her knees, and threw her arms around his neck as her sobs gave way to ragged, hiccupping breaths.
Joel caught her to him, hugging her close and squeezing tight as if he'd never dare let her go. He cradled her head possessively against his chest. "But I don't want to let you go, Desi. I want to stay with you forever," he gritted out. "I want to marry you, have children with you, collar you, grow old with you. I want to be there for you every day for the rest of your life.
The image of Anita rose unwanted in Desi's mind. "I think that might be classed as bigamy, Joel," she sniffled.
Joel groaned at his oversight. "Anita's gone," he assured her. "Dad's probably personally manhandling her onto a plane as we speak. He was so angry when he heard what she did to Jake."
"Good!" Desi spat vehemently. "Jake doesn't deserve to have that crap in his life." But as the implication of his words sank in, she stiffened. "Is that why you're here, because your father ran off your fiancée?"
Joel sucked in a shocked gasp, and leaning away, he speared his fingers in her hair, demanding that she look at him. "I'm here because I love you," he pronounced boldly, his eyes shooting a fire of determination. But in the next second, his features and his voice both softened. "Don't ever doubt that, sweetheart. It might have taken me too long to say it, and I might regret, for the rest of my years, that I never told you before today, but if you let me, I plan on making that up to you by telling you every day for the rest of our lives. So, what's it to be, my darling. Will you marry me? Will you give me that right?"
Desi soaked up the sight of him, stunned by the depth of emotion in his eyes. For long moments, she could do nothing but drink in the sight of this beautiful man, with his glossy black hair and his startling blue eyes. Eyes that looked at her like they never had before—with love and adoration and desire.
"Yes," she finally whispered and watched a little longer as Joel bent his head to hers, watching her back as their lips touched in the sweetest, gentlest, most poignant kiss they had ever shared.
Jake sat in the hotel bar and sipped at his second whisky. He wanted to toss it back like he had the first, but he fiercely controlled the need. He'd spoken to Desi briefly. She had wanted to come over and talk to him face to face, but he'd denied the need. He was glad she was happy. He was glad his cousin was happy. His words to Joel had been nothi
ng, if not calculated to make Joel confront his true feelings for Desi. The plan to bait the man who was like a brother to him into taking action had worked faster than Jake could have dreamed.
So why the hell was he feeling so sorry for himself? On a logical level, Jake knew he didn't love Desi the way that she deserved, but a little, tiny part of his brain couldn't help reminding him that they'd have built a good life together, achieved a successful relationship, brought up beautiful children. Those nasty little biting teeth of loneliness started to gnaw at the edges of his awareness once again, and he took another sip of his drink, resigning himself to the bleak solitude that his future held.
For a few golden hours, Desi had chased away the despair that had started to grip him more and more often when he thought of the gaping void that lay ahead of him.
Now he was on his own…again. No woman stuck around long, once those insidious rumours started to seep into his relationships. A kernel of old anger tickled his disposition and he pushed it back with a noisy exhale.
"Now, that was a heartfelt sigh," a soft, feminine voice said from behind him.
Swinging around with the sole intent of getting rid of the woman, since he wasn't in the right frame of mind for company, Jake found himself face to face with Desi's best friend, Charlotte Chapman. He laughed humourlessly, knowing it would be rude to send her away, mindful that Desi had probably sent her to check on him.
"Mind if I join you?" she asked, and Jake wondered if it was just his imagination that her words had come out a touch breathlessly.
"Not at all," he murmured, signalling the bartender for service. He looked back at his imposed companion. She was tall and slim with long, straight hair the colour of dark chocolate, but he knew she was as vanilla as they came. There was a slight colour to her cheeks and her changeable hazel eyes betrayed her awareness of him as a man.