by Lee Strauss
A DISCOBALL INSTEAD OF SUNRISE, wallflowers instead of a winter garden.
We were back in the gym, dancing the slow dance. Once again I was in my yellow knee length dress, Nate in his handsome suit and crisp white shirt. Only the telltale dark rings under his eyes confirmed that I hadn’t imagined what we’d just gone through. Oh, and the stubble. I wondered how he would explain that. Lucinda stood against the wall where I had left her, with a big I’m so happy for you, grin. Tyson and Josh stood by the punch bowl laughing at their buddy dancing with the geeky girl. Jessica had her arms around Craig the sophomore, but I could see fury in her eyes. We were only mid song. I closed my eyes, trying to graft together what had just happened to the reality of me now dancing with Nate at a high school dance.
Nate breathed in sharply, “Wow. Did that really… did we really…?”
“You can’t tell anyone.”
“This is freaking unreal.”
“Promise me.”
“Were we really, uh, just there?’
“Promise me!”
“It’s okay. I promise.” Then he pulled me in close, like an embrace. I caught my breath. Didn’t he know that everyone was watching? The song ended and he casually brushed my cheek with his lips.
A kiss? “Good bye, Cassandra.”
I couldn’t bring myself to look away. He hesitated a moment, and when I turned, I could sense him watching me as I walked back to Lucinda.
“What was that?” Lucinda said, shocked.
“Did he actually kiss you?”
“It was just a gentleman’s kiss. It didn’t mean anything.”
“A gentleman’s kiss?” Lucinda almost shouted. “What the heck is that?”
I shrugged, staring at the floor. I felt like I’d just walked away from a bad car wreck, physically sound but clearly emotionally traumatized.
“Did you see Jessica’s face?”Lucinda sounded triumphant.
“No, I missed that.”
I glanced over at the jocks. Nate was rubbing his eyes. Tyson punched him playfully in his arm. Jessica was giving him an earful, shouting, “If they dared you to jump off the roof, would you?”
“You looked like you were having an intense conversation,” Lucinda said, her eyes bright with anticipation for juicy gossip.
“What were you two talking about?”
“It was a dare. The guys dared him to ask me to dance.”
“Oh.” She grimaced. “That bites.”
Jessica dragged Nate to the middle of the gym, draping her skinny arms around his neck, forcing him to slow dance with her even though it wasn’t a slow song.
“I’m not feeling well,” I said.
“Actually,” Lucinda said, “you don’t look that great.”
I was surprised she didn’t notice the dark rings around my eyes. Must have been the lighting, the space against the wall was fairly dark and shadowy.
“I’m going to call my mom to come get me,” I said.
“Uh, okay. I think I’ll go say hi to Ashley.”
“Sure. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Yeah, and I’ll help you beat Nate up,” Lucinda said, trying to cheer me. I watched Jessica take Nate’s hand and I felt sick to my stomach. I chose an exit as far away from the punch bowl as possible.
I spent the night and the whole next day sleeping. My mother came up often to check on me, offering me food and wanting to take my temperature. I told her it was the flu and I would be better in time for school in the morning. Which I was, physically. Emotionally, well, I was still calling it.
I wondered if Nate would show up. I knew the toll time traveling took on a body, but I was used to it. If I begged off sick every time, I’d fail school and worry my mother. But he came. He drove into the school parking lot in his rusty ’82 BMW. It was great to see him in jeans and a hoodie again. He looked tired, but hot, hot, hot. I waited by the door, wondering what he’d say to me, hoping he’d talk first, because I had no clue what to say.
He caught my eye. His mouth pulled up slightly at the corners, a sparkle in his countenance, an acknowledgment: we shared a secret. Then his eyes flitted over my head to his jock friends and he brushed by me with a little nod. No one else would have noted our brief communication.
That was it. Just like I knew it would be. I was beneath him. Lucinda and I, we were minions on the totem pole of Cambridge High. Nate, he was perched on the very top. I dragged myself through class, feeling particularly beat up after English. It was just like old times; Nate never even looked back at me once.
Okay, I didn’t expect us to be best friends, but surely some level of friendship would be permissible? Not with Jessica around, I supposed.
“So, Casey,” said Lucinda when the lunch bell rang. “I just passed the cafeteria. The football team’s there.” She was sensitive enough not to mention him by name.
“I had a bit of the flu this weekend. I don’t think my stomach’s up to the smells.”
“Ah.” Lucinda said, understanding. “Okay, we can skip the caf today.”
“I packed a lunch,” I said. “We could share?”
Lucinda nodded and we headed towards the south stairwell in the old part of the building where we could eat alone and I would be safe from any unwanted Nate sightings. We stopped at the window on the second floor where we could see a group of freshmen boys outside, smoking on the other side of the fence.
“Isn’t that your brother?” Lucinda asked. I recognized his tall, moppy head.
“It looks like it.” He puffed on a cigarette like an old pro and I shook my head. “He’s smoking?”
He was dressed as usual in punk black like the other boys, some with hats, most of them with piercings.
Lucinda and I sat on the top step. I pulled a small plastic container from my brown bag. Butterscotch pudding, my comfort food. I savored small spoonfuls, though it didn’t do much to ease the pain. I had let myself like a boy and he didn’t like me back. I understood now why there were so many popular songs about heartache. I wiped a stray tear from my cheek. Salty tears didn’t go well with butterscotch.
“Oh, Casey.” Lucinda’s eyes squished together in sympathy. “He’s a jerk and not worth your trouble.”
“Luce, there’s something I haven’t told you.”
“Go on.” She took half my sandwich and started eating.
“Remember the dance?”
“Where the boy in question danced with you on a dare?” she said with a full mouth. “Yeah, I remember.”
“We went, uh, back.”
“Back? What do you mean?” I widened my eyes as if that helped to explain it.
“I mean we went back.”
Lucinda let out a little scream. “No way!”
I told her the Sparknotes version of our time there.
“You slept in the same cabin!” She crossed her arms with indignation. “And he ignores you now? He’s more of a jerk than I thought.”
I didn’t want to believe it, but it was true. “It hurts more than I imagined it would, you know?”
“Oh, Casey.” Lucinda wrapped her arms around me, careful not to touch any skin, and squeezed. I was lucky to have a friend like her.
I went straight home after school. No guy watching for me—too painful. My heart wasn’t made of stone. In fact, I was pretty sure it was bleeding and that blood might start leaking through my pores.
Tim was in the living room, playing some video game where he shot and killed stuff. “Hey, Tim.” No answer. “Tim.” Nothing. I plopped down on the couch beside him. “Tim!”
“What d’you want?”
“I saw you smoking today.”
“So?”
“Do Mom and Dad know?”
“No, and how would Dad know anything?” Army men and weird looking creatures fell to the ground, blood everywhere.
“That’s gross.” Nothing. “Fine, don’t talk to me, but I’m telling Mom.”
“So, tell her.”
“Fine.” Mom came home and I helped h
er make supper. Pasta. Quick and Easy. I didn’t tell her about Tim’s new smoking habit, though I didn’t know if I was doing him any favors. Instead, I brought up the subject of Dad.
“Do you ever, you know, think about Dad?”
“Oh, I’m sorry, Casey, I forgot to ask. Did you have a good time when you went out with him the other day?”
“Yes, but I mean, do you think of him? Do you miss him?”
Mom’s stricken look made me regret bringing it up. “I’m sorry our troubles affect you kids, Casey. But what’s done is done.”
I pressed. “Can’t things be undone?”
“Some things can.” Then she sighed. “And some things can’t.”
Somehow I managed to get through the rest of autumn without falling into a total depression. The good thing was I hadn’t traveled since the dance. The bad thing was I still had to see Nate every day at school. If my Nate radar had been in full gear at the beginning of the school year when I was merely crushing, it was now on total hard-core over-drive. As much as I told myself to forget him, I found myself constantly on the lookout. It was maddening. At least Jessica kept out of my face. Had Nate talked to her? The thought of him coming to my defense offered a sprinkle of happiness in an otherwise joyless existence.
I passed by the open door of the drama room and watched for a moment as the acting class had dress rehearsal. It gave me an idea. After school I took the bus to a costume shop. A bell rang overhead when I entered and a kindly looking woman with large deep-set eyes and curly gray hair greeted me.
“I’m looking for something nineteenth century-ish.” Actually, I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought about this before; maybe because I only had to worry about boy's clothing, which was pretty easy to find.
“A theme party?” she asked, but didn’t wait for an answer. She took me to a rack at the back of the room. Gold mine.
“These dresses are great,” I said, already planning to stock up. I chose two that looked like they would fit me, paid the lady and told her I didn’t need a bag. I folded the dresses carefully and stuck them in my backpack. It felt great. I was a good Girl Scout. I was prepared. Next time, as long as I had my backpack on, I would be ready.
The next day I broke my own personal policy about researching people I’ve met in the past. It was generally best not to know what happened to them. Especially if they started to mean something to me.
I used my spare period to go to the school computer lab; I wanted to look up Samuel Jones. Did he make it to Canada? Google was still thinking when Nate walked in. He saw me, lifted his chin in a slight nod, and chose a computer where he could sit with his back to me. Every time I saw Nate, the lump in my gut throbbed with pain. I tortured myself by reliving the entire experience we had shared in the past together, and how sweet it had been to have him all to myself, even though it had been against his will. Kind of like a prisoner. My prisoner.
But now, I was the prisoner. It was worse now than before, because he knew. And it bugged me. He owned a little—no, a big part of me that I didn’t want just anyone to have. I couldn’t stay in this room with him, and besides, my online search came up empty. I slipped my backpack on and carefully slid my chair away from my desk. I didn’t want Nate to witness my getaway. He’d figure out I left because of him and I didn’t want to give him that satisfaction.
It wasn’t meant to be. Dizziness kept me from walking out of the room and I was thrown into brightness. One can’t help what one can’t help but I could feel sorry for myself and so I did. Good and sorry. I made my way to my stash and put on the dress I had bought at the costume store. It wasn’t as authentic looking as I'd first thought, but it would do. I removed other items from my pack that I might need another time: a bag of raisins, cashew nuts, tampons, and put them into one of the burlap bags.
I took a short cut straight to the Watson farm. No sense wasting time trying to find a new home away from home. I wracked my brains for another excuse and hoped that Sara’s good nature and patience hadn’t worn out when it came to me.
When I got there, I knocked timidly on the kitchen door. “Hello?” I wasn’t the only one having a meltdown. Sara sat at the table, weeping into a handkerchief.
“Sara? What’s wrong?” Then a darker thought. “Is it Samuel?”
She muffled a groan and shook her head. She must be pretty upset, because she didn't even lay into me about disappearing again. “No,” she said finally, “nothing so selfless as that. It’s my birthday! I’m eighteen and un-married with no prospects in sight.”
Wow. How times have changed. I pulled her into a hug and let her cry it out.“Robert keeps coming around, but not to see me. He’s looking for you, Cassandra.”
“I’m really sorry, Sara. I know you like him and I don’t know if this helps, but I don’t like him at all. And to be honest, there’s something about that man I don’t trust. I think you could do better.”
She paused to consider this. “Really?”
“Really.” She seemed somewhat comforted. “Well, I don’t know if that’s true or not, but God Bless you for saying so.” After she was composed, I asked her again about Samuel.
“I don’t know what happened to him, just disappeared, like you! Why do you keep leaving without saying good-bye?”
“Sara, I’m sorry, I really am.” I decided against another lie. “I can’t tell you why I have to leave, but I’m asking you, as a friend, just to trust me. If I could tell you, I would.”
“You have always been a girl of mystery, Cassandra. That’s why Robert is attracted to you and not me.” She let out a stuttered breath, that kind you do after a good cry. “I’m reliable and boring and not at all pretty.” She put the handkerchief to her nose and blew.
“Sara, there’s nothing wrong with being reliable. Most people consider that a good thing. You’re certainly not boring and I think you are very pretty. You just have to wait for the right man to come along.”
“Well, maybe you’re right. Self-pity accomplishes no good thing.” She looked over my head and then around the room. “Where’s your brother?”
“Oh,” I let my eyes flutter as I dug for a great explanation. I blanked. “Uh, he didn’t come back with me this time.”
Sara shook her head and smiled softly. “You are the strangest family.” I nodded. “Well, you shouldn’t stay in the cabin alone. Go get your things. You can stay in my room with me.” She wiped crumbs off the table into her hand and brushed them into the sink. “If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go freshen up.”
I watched her leave, but I didn’t have a chance to take her up on her offer to stay. One tunnel of light later, I was back in the computer lab, staring at the back of Nate’s head. Why couldn’t our trip have been this short? Then I wouldn’t have had time to fall so hard for him. He pushed his chair out and stood. He hesitated then, having made a decision, and turned to acknowledge me. I think he meant to make it short and sweet but he stared at me for several moments.
I knew what he saw. Two dark rings under my eyes. He knew I’d just traveled. He opened his mouth as if he was about to say something, but changed his mind. He glanced away, and walked out the door.
CHAPTER TEN