“It was nice. The man has this huge tour happening right now, and a hundred other things going on his life, yet he’s able to deal with me and all of that.” Justin met Von’s gaze. “Imagine that,” he said, looking away again.
He deserved that dig, but it didn’t mean Von would go away. “I’m here now. He can get back to his tour.”
“There’s no socializing on the clock,” a guy who looked to be sixteen said, interrupting them.
Von glanced over, more than ready to get Justin fired if it meant he could have his say. “Look, dude—”
“Oh, wow. You’re Von Wolf. Could I get your autograph?” the dude asked.
Even though Von could feel Justin’s glare biting into his skin, he didn’t glance Justin’s way as he used the situation to his advantage. Von pasted on his most winning smile. “I’d be more than happy to sign whatever you’d like…”
“Charlie,” the man supplied.
Von nodded. “I’d be happy to sign whatever you like, Charlie if I can steal Justin away for the day. See, I’m having an issue with my home entertainment system, and he’s the only person I trust in my house.”
Charlie nodded. “Of course. Someone like you wouldn’t want strangers invading your home. I’m cool with you stealing Justin for the day, but I’ll still have to charge you for his time.”
Von nodded. “I wouldn’t expect anything less.”
Justin was seething. Von could feel the hatred rolling off the man in waves, but he didn’t argue. What could he say? Von had backed him in a corner. If Justin needed his job as much as he claimed, he wouldn’t do anything to damage it. However, Von would make damn sure his man didn’t have to ever come back to this place again.
Justin was torn between feeling resigned and ready to cry. He was so tired—more exhausted than he’d ever been in his life. It seemed he should’ve been surprised to see Von there, but he wasn’t. Everything sucked, so it only seemed fair Von should show up to kick Justin some more while he was down. He watched Von signing autographs. For a moment, he even considered making a run for it. He could call a cab. Most likely, if he texted Jamie or Hawke, the pair would come back for him. Instead, Justin stood there and waited.
Von had gotten bigger. Justin marveled over that fact. If he’d thought about it, Justin would’ve thought the man would’ve lost some muscle, considering he hadn’t been playing these past few months. Justin had tried damn hard not to think about Von at all. Sometimes, when he was at his weakest, Justin’s brain would dredge up a memory of Von—the way he smelled or the way it felt when Von would hold him. Justin always shut those thoughts down before they took hold and killed him. Before Von, Justin hadn’t known it was possible to hate someone and love someone so much at the same time.
Von finished up and turned his sexy gaze Justin’s way. Justin wanted to vomit. “You ready?”
“Do I have a choice?” Justin muttered under his breath as Von steered him toward the door.
“You always have a choice,” Von said as he opened the passenger side door for Justin. “But no matter what you do, I’ll follow,” Von promised as he closed the door, shutting Justin inside the truck.
Justin’s traitorous gaze followed Von as he circled the front of the truck. He wanted to punch him in the balls for being so hot. If there was any justice in the world, Von would be as ugly on the outside as he was inside. If anyone knew how unfair life was, it was Justin. Von was only one of the many ways life had fucked Justin. He’d always believed by the time he made it to thirty, he would have all his shit together. Justin was thirty-two and further away from shit togetherness than he’d ever been in his life.
Von slid behind the wheel. For a moment, their gazes met. Justin narrowed his eyes before looking away. If he looked fucking childish, he couldn’t be bothered to care. It was not like Von didn’t know he shouldn’t have come back here.
Justin stared out the window and tried to pretend he was somewhere else. Von wasn’t there beside him. This wasn’t happening to him. The truck crawled to a stop at a red light. He could see Von’s reflection in the window. Each breath Justin took came harder than the last as he watched Von turn his head.
“I love you.”
At Von’s claim, Justin opened the door and got out. He couldn’t fucking do this. They’d driven far enough away from his work that no one would know he hadn’t gone with Von. The fucking bastard. He loved only himself. There was a bus stop down the road. Justin didn’t know the schedule. He had no clue when the next bus ran or where it went, but any fucking thing was better than Von. He could hear Von cursing as he slammed the door. Justin didn’t look back. He could call Jamie or Hawke. In fact, he could call a cab. There was no reason whatsoever for him to endure this.
Tires screeched behind him. Von took the corner fast before whipping into the pharmacy and parking. He was close enough Justin heard the man’s door slam as he came after him. Justin picked up his pace. It didn’t matter that he knew he was being ridiculous. Justin couldn’t stop. He could hear Von’s footsteps, proving how attuned he was to Von’s every move. When the man’s shadow almost overtook him, Justin spun, and lost it.
“I need you to go away from me,” Justin said, hearing the desperation in his voice and unable to stop. “I know you don’t care. You’re so used to everyone giving you everything you want, but you have to hear me now. I need you to go away from me today.”
Von put his hands out as if trying to placate Justin. “Let me take you home, and I promise to leave you alone for today.” Justin wasn’t stupid. He knew Von would keep to the exact letter of his word. He’d leave Justin alone for today, but tomorrow, he’d be back. “I get that you’re sick—”
“How you do know that?” Justin snapped. “You shouldn’t know that.” Justin took a step toward Von as he yelled the words. He’d never wanted to physically fight someone as much as he did Von.
“My mistake,” Von said, as if trying to calm a wild animal. Justin didn’t doubt for a second he looked like one at the moment. “Blame me, okay? I ran into Jamie and Hawke at the store and they let it slip.”
Justin wanted to stamp his feet and scream at the top of his lungs. He never wanted Von to know. “I guess I know why you’re here now.”
Von shook his head. “That’s not true. I’d stopped at the store to buy you flowers and that’s when I ran into them.” He drew a cross on his chest. “Cross my heart, I was already on my way to see you. I’d already decided I couldn’t live another day without you.”
If Justin had been armed, Von would be dead already. He’d never been more enraged in his entire life. He didn’t know a person could feel so much fury toward another person. Justin took another step toward Von. “How dare you say that to me? You don’t deserve to get to say that to me.”
“Justin, please get in the truck. If you don’t want to talk, we won’t, but let me get you home.”
Without a word, Justin stomped his way back to the truck. He stood at the door and waited for Von to unlock the door. Instead of hitting the button on the key fob and letting Justin in, Von waited to hit the button until he could open the door for Justin. He scurried in, hoping Von wouldn’t use this opportunity to touch him. Justin was scared what he might do if any part of Von came in contact with him.
Staying true to his word, Von didn’t speak other than asking directions to Justin’s house. As he gave them, Justin cursed himself as being ten shades of an idiot. Of course Von wanted to take him home, so he’d know where Justin lived now. He would’ve given the man the wrong address if it had occurred to him before he’d given Von the right one. The apartment he lived in now was a lot smaller than his house had been. Unfortunately, after using all the money he’d made selling his home on medical bills, he didn’t have anything left but even more medical bills. Now, he was back to apartment living. It wasn’t so bad. Only one of his neighbors had a dog that barked nonstop. The other made up for it by having screaming kids. He was also convinced the guy who lived above him had two
wooden legs, causing him to stomp with every step he took, but otherwise, Justin got by.
Von pulled into the parking spot next to Justin’s car and put the truck in park. “Justin, I—”
Justin leapt from the truck and slammed the door, cutting off whatever Von had been about to say. There was nothing Von could say to him that would change a damn thing. Von didn’t pull away, even as Justin let himself in, but Justin didn’t look back. If there was a god in heaven, Von would keep his word and leave Justin alone for at least a few hours. He wasn’t equipped to deal with Von Wolf today. Justin needed time to think.
Von stared at Justin’s closed front door and tried not to think. This was so much worse than anything he’d imagined. Since Jamie had dropped the cancer bomb, Von had been going through the motions—concentrating on Justin. Now that he’d seen the hatred in Justin’s exhausted gaze, Von was at a complete loss. Being an ass, he could fix by proving he’d never do it again. This… Von had nothing. The humane thing to do would be to fix all the monetary problems he’d created and get the hell out of Justin’s life for good. Von couldn’t do it. He’d already proven he was the worst sort of selfish bastard. Today was no different. He still loved Justin. Von couldn’t stop.
He turned the keys in the ignition, shutting off the truck. There was no way he could leave. Justin wouldn’t let him stay. The thing was—Von physically couldn’t put the truck in reverse and drive away from Justin. His arms felt too heavy. He’d never been more heartsick in his life. No one would ever understand how badly he wished he’d been here. If anyone had given him a single clue, he didn’t doubt for a second he would’ve been. The problem was—Justin would never believe any of that. So, Von would stay. Even if Justin wouldn’t let him inside, Von would sit here until Justin let him make it right. All the calls he needed to make to pay off Justin’s debt, Von could do right here from his cellphone. He had a car charger. No need to ever move again.
8
After the disastrous run in with Von, Justin had gone straight to bed, hoping a nap would clear his head. He hadn’t slept at all. Instead, he’d stared at his bedroom ceiling and tortured himself. There wasn’t a second of Von that Justin didn’t remember. If he closed his eyes, he swore he could still feel Von’s heat and smell the man’s cologne. Each time he’d buried his nose against the crook of Von’s neck still lived inside Justin’s head. For the millionth time, Justin wished the love would die. His hatred was bigger now, but the love—goddamn that shit was still there, slowly killing him.
He checked his phone and noticed he’d missed a message from Jamie.
Jamie: I went by your work and you were gone. Is everything okay?
Fuck. He’d been so pissed off at Von, he’d forgotten to let Jamie know he didn’t need to pick him up after work. Goddamn it. Hawke and Jamie had been so good to him. Justin growled. Von always made Justin lose his head. He shot a quick text off to Jamie.
Justin: I’m SO sorry. Von showed up and gave me a ride home.
Jamie: Is everything okay? Do we need to help you hide the body? I can afford to get away with one murder.
Justin smiled for the first time since seeing Von. Without Jamie and Hawke, Justin was scared to think what would’ve happened to him these past few months.
Justin: No. I’m okay. That’s a lie. I’m not okay, but I’ll survive. I always do.
Jamie: We’ll be around if you need us. I have a shovel and an alibi. I’m not afraid to use either.
Justin: Thank you. Love you guys.
Jamie: We love you too.
They would be around for another two weeks and then the pair would have no choice but to head back across the pond. Jamie’s tour was near its end and their baby would be arriving soon. They couldn’t hold Justin’s hand forever. In truth, he’d leaned on them for too long already. He was so weak. Sometimes, he sickened himself. Why couldn’t he just deal with being alone? As if proving how weak he was, Justin scrolled through his contacts until he found Von’s name. He unblocked him. The instant his finger hit the button, undoing three months of the wall he’d built, Justin hated himself for it. A sick pit of despair rose inside him.
The phone rang, pulling Justin from his misery. He checked the face of his cellphone. It was his mom. That gave Justin pause. Justin checked the time. His mom always called at the same time every day. Five hours had passed since Von had dropped him off. Justin blinked at the face of his phone. Had he really lain here, stewing for that long? Growling over his stupidity, Justin answered.
“Hello?”
“Hey, baby. How’re you feeling today?”
Without thought, Justin drew a slow breath through his nose. He felt too many things to pick a single emotion. Instead, he lied. “I’m good. How are you?”
“Crazy busy, as always. Hey, sweetie, I need you to send me a list of who you owe and how much.”
“Why?” Justin asked, taken aback by his mom’s sudden interest.
“I want to help.”
Justin sighed. “Mom, you’re not in the position…” Suspicion sneaked in. “Wait. Did Von put you up to this?” The silence meeting Justin’s question was all the answer he needed. “No. I don’t want anything from Von.”
“Baby, he’s only trying to help, and he should. This is all his fault.”
A snort escaped Justin. “Von is a piece of shit, but he didn’t give me cancer.”
“No,” his mom agreed. “He didn’t, but you wouldn’t be in this financial position if he hadn’t made you all those empty promises. The least he can do is pay your bills. I told him that too.”
Justin groaned. “Mom…”
“Don’t ‘mom’ me. Just listen. I had a long talk with Von. He’s just a person—like everyone. He makes mistakes the same as everyone else on the planet. First off, he didn’t know about your diagnosis.”
“That’s because I didn’t want him to know. Nobody wants someone to stay with them out of pity.”
“Secondly,” Kate said over the top of Justin, as if he wasn’t speaking. “He knows what he did was wrong, but that boy loves you. Let him make things right. I taught you to forgive people. Not to mention, anything worth having is worth fighting for.”
“I hate that saying,” Justin growled before he could stop. “For real. That saying makes people believe they should fight for what they want, even if the battle is killing them. Every time I’ve put up with some bullshit from Von, I’ve thought, surely if I’ve fought this long and hard to be with him, then we must be meant to be. But what I’ve learned is—that saying is a crock of shit. In truth, I think I’ve had to fight so hard to keep him because fate was trying to tell me I was on the wrong path. Otherwise, he would’ve fought for me too, right?” Even Justin heard the pain in his voice, but he couldn’t mask it. It didn’t matter how he felt. They were still over. Von had still left him, no matter the promises he’d made. It was as if they’d been a dream Justin never wanted to wake from. Only Von’s clothes, in the drawer he’d claimed to want, proved they’d ever happened at all. Justin wondered if he should burn them. Maybe it would be cleansing.
“There once was a chance I didn’t take,” Kate said, pulling Justin from his depressing thoughts.
He scrubbed a hand over his face. “Mom, please don’t tell the nursing school story again.”
“But our lives might’ve been so different if I’d taken that chance,” she argued.
Justin didn’t hesitate in his counter. “Or, I might not have been born.”
“My point is,” Kate said, speaking over him. “For the rest of my life, I’ll wonder if we could’ve had a nicer home, gone on better vacations, or lived somewhere you would’ve had an easier time if I’d been braver and gone to school. I worry, if you never take a leap of faith, that you’ll wake up one day with more regrets than you can count.”
“I only have one regret,” Justin said, not bothering to hide his animosity, “and that’s ever setting eyes on Von Wolf.”
Kate sighed. “I’m always on your side
, but sometimes you have to forgive people. Not for their sake, but for yours.”
“I’m not strong enough to lose him again.” Justin heard the confession fall from his lips as if the words came from someone else. He didn’t want to be saying them, but he couldn’t avoid the truth.
“Are you strong enough to see him end up with someone else?” Kate asked ruthlessly. “Because that’s what will eventually happen, you know? His face is always plastered all over the news. The minute he meets someone else, you’ll have to watch it happen. You’ll have to sit back and accept it could’ve been you. Can you do that?” His mom had always been the brutally honest type.
“I don’t know,” Justin answered honestly.
“Then you’re not done,” Kate said, sounding triumphant. “Until you don’t give a damn where he ends up, you’re not finished. Next time you see him, I want you to picture him with someone else, and then go with your gut.”
Justin rolled his eyes since she couldn’t see him. “If you say so.”
“I do, and now I want you to send me all your bills.”
“No, Mom,” Justin said, drawing the line at her demand.
“Justin Edward Marks, send those fucking bills to me or I will make you sorry.”
At the use of his full name, Justin blinked. He was certain he hadn’t been called by his full name since he was eight. “Uh, yes, ma’am.”
“Today,” she added. “Scan them and email them to me.”
“All right.” Justin winced as he agreed, but he had no other choice. She was his mom.
Her tone softened at Justin’s agreement. “I love you, baby. Everything will be okay. You’ll see.”
“I hope so. I love you too.”
“Call me tomorrow.”
“I will,” Justin said, even though she should’ve known he would. Since his diagnosis, they’d spoken every day. After all, he no longer knew if one day soon would be his last. Giving up on his pity party, Justin pushed from the bed and went in search of food. In truth, he wasn’t even hungry, but it wasn’t as if he had anything else to do.
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