Elizabeth's breath caught. She grudgingly let Aidan remove the brush from her hand, all the while not breaking his gaze. He must know she was coiled as tightly as a spring, ready to explode. When he pulled her hair back, his fingertips grazed her neck, sending chills down her spine. He turned his attention to the shining mass of waves and began to pull the brush through, being careful not to make eye contact with her again. “Why did Garrett murder your family?”
Her eyes filled with tears as she struggled for an answer. “I don't know,” she replied in a strangled whisper. “But I think it had something to do with my father. I was only fourteen.”
“What happened after you fled?”
Elizabeth bit her lip. She was trying to figure out how to tell Aidan the truth without telling him everything when he put his hands on her shoulders and bent down to meet her gaze in the mirror.
“Elizabeth, I know that you don't trust me, but I don't know why. I know that you are not from the streets of London, but I don't know anything about your background. And I know that you care for me, but yet you fled when I proposed marriage for reasons you won't disclose. You have repeatedly told me you want to find a way to repay me for all I have done for you.” He paused, watching the combination of panic and pain on her face. He moved to her side and tipped her chin up to look at him. “Talk to me, Elizabeth. I want to know you. All of you. I know that you are frightened, but you must trust me. It's time to tell me who you are…or were. You owe me that much.”
Her eyes were brimming with tears. She knew that he was right. He had done everything to earn her trust, and nothing to break it.
After a long pause, she nodded. He held out his hand to her. “Come sit by the fire,” he commanded gently.
She took his hand and allowed him to lead her to the sofa, where she had just settled down when there was a knock at the door.
“Ah,” Aidan said. “I took the liberty of ordering us some tea. Excuse me.” He went to the door and mumbled something to Mrs. Bartlett, then he shut the door and brought the tea to her himself. He placed it on the table in front of her, then sat beside her as he poured each of them a cup. Handing it to her, he said, “Don't be surprised, but there's a liberal amount of brandy in it. I thought you could use it tonight. It will help you sleep.” He expected some sort of protest, but there was none. Elizabeth simply took the cup and began sipping, evidently to postpone their conversation.
Aidan smiled. “You can drink as much of that as you want to to avoid talking to me for now, but I have to warn you, you'll wind up talking much more freely if you continue to down it like that.”
Elizabeth looked startled, then huffed out a breath. “I fear you're right. Either way, I suppose I can’t avoid this conversation any longer.”
“I'm afraid not.” He settled back on the sofa, facing her with one arm draped across the back and the other holding the cup of tea. “Perhaps you can start by telling me why you can't marry me,” he prompted.
Elizabeth paled visibly. “It’s…it's complicated. But I should think the reasons would be obvious.”
“There are no obvious reasons that are acceptable to me,” he stated flatly. “So perhaps you'd better go back to the beginning.”
Elizabeth looked at him and gave a resigned nod, and then began to recount her story. She swiped at the tears that were coursing down her cheeks as she spoke, angry at herself for not being able to be stronger. She didn't dare look Aidan in the eye, so she stared vacantly down into the fire instead. “They set the house on fire,” she began. “I took what I could with me, and fled the house, praying for God's forgiveness for leaving my parents. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I knew I couldn't do anything to help them. I decided to go to London to the family my father had mentioned hoping they would come for me…but of course, they never did.”
“Daniel MacKavoy.”
“Yes,” Elizabeth said. “When I arrived on the doorstep, I was told the old man had died, and I was too frightened to realize I should have asked after other relatives. I was only fourteen, and the butler was very unfriendly,” she added.
“You are very brave to have traveled to London alone,” Aidan pointed out.
She shot him a rueful smile. “We'll see what you really think of me in a few minutes.” She tried to pull herself together some before she continued. “I found a room in a hotel, and waited for my parents to collect me, but…” A knife lodged in her heart, and the tears began to fall again, but she paid them no heed this time. “I refused to believe they were dead, and I spent my days searching for them, all to no avail. Six months later, I was running out of money, so I looked for employment, but I had no experience and no references, so I had to take a job as a server at a tavern. It was there I met Betsy Clarke, the only friend I have in the world, and the reason I came back to London. She had written to me to tell me she might have a new clue as to what had happened to my parents. I was supposed to meet her that night of the accident, but I ran into Peter Smythe instead. You know the rest.”
“Why didn't you ask me for help?”
“Because I would have had to tell you the truth about my past.”
Aidan regarded her thoughtfully. If Gavin had had any success this evening, Betsy would be holed up in hotel by now. “Why had you left London?”
This was the question Elizabeth had hoped to never have to answer. She looked at Aidan, his eyes full of questions, his warm hand reassuring on hers, and she knew in her heart that if she could ever trust a man, it was the one sitting right in front of her. She took a deep breath.
“Because I killed a man.”
Chapter 29
Aidan blinked. “You…what?” He tried to hide his surprise, but failed miserably. “Perhaps you'd better explain this in greater detail.”
Elizabeth hesitated. She had spent years trying to push that man out of her memory…she hadn't so much as uttered his name since that night. She struggled to gain control of her emotions and find the strength to tell Aidan the secret she had been keeping for so long.
“His name was Vincent Marbury, Viscount Burke. He would come into the tavern at least once a week. He was handsome, well dressed…always left a good tip. He took an interest in me. At first, it was wonderful. He was charming and attentive, and I couldn't help but be swept off my feet. I was sixteen.” She smiled ruefully. “After nearly two years on my own, it was heavenly to have someone in my life again. So, when he asked me to live with him, I agreed. I thought it was because he loved me,” Elizabeth said sadly. “I was expecting to be living in grand style, but it was immediately clear that I’d taken up with an impoverished peer. It didn't take long for his true nature to show. He was abusive, he gambled, and he drank too much. Any money that came in went to his vices. About six months into our relationship, I shared the news that I was expecting. I stupidly thought he might be happy.”
“You have a child?” Aidan made no effort to hide his shock this time.
Elizabeth's face crumpled. “No,” she wailed. “Vincent was angry about it. He said he had no use for brats and why hadn't I been more careful. He beat me so badly I…I lost the baby.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” Aidan said softly, tears in his eyes. It was clear now why she had been so afraid of him, why she had refused to trust him even though he had shown her nothing but kindness. She had been there before and given her trust to a man whom she had thought had loved her, and she had paid dearly for it.
“That was when the visits from his friends started,” Elizabeth said quietly. She looked away in shame. “Vincent seemed to have no more interest in keeping me to himself, and he said we needed the money so it was about time I earned my keep. He would invite his friends to my room and they would…pay him to let them…take liberties with me.” She could barely get the words out, and her face was flaming with embarrassment.
If this man were still alive, Aidan would gladly strangle him himself. “He turned you into a doxy,” he concluded, swearing bitterly.
Elizabeth
tried to blink back the tears, but they fell unchecked. She turned to look at him and nodded. “And if I didn't comply, he would beat me.”
“Elizabeth,” Aidan breathed.
“Don't,” she choked out. “Don't pity me. I can't bear it.”
Aidan shook his head. “I wish you had told me this earlier. It would have explained so much.”
“Aidan, how could I? If anyone found out…it's bad enough you took me in, but if anyone discovered I was a…a whore, and worse yet, a murderer, your family’s reputation would be ruined forever. Lainey’s chances of a good match would be gone, your business potentially destroyed. I couldn't let that happen. And—” she broke off, emotion closing her throat.
“What? What is it, Elizabeth?” But she couldn't speak, and then he knew. “You thought I wouldn't be able to look at you without disgust.”
She hung her head in shame and nodded, a sob tearing from her throat. Aidan moved closer to her, taking her hands in his. “Elizabeth, look at me.”
She shook her head, so he put his hand on her cheek and turned her face toward his, but she continued to stare at the floor.
“Look at me,” Aidan urged, and she finally lifted her tear-filled eyes. “What happened to you wasn't your fault. Any of it. You didn't choose to sell yourself—you trusted someone you loved, and he manipulated you.” He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “What disgusts me is the way that man treated you, not what you have done. I love you, Elizabeth. Your past is just that, and it is of no consequence to me.”
She stared at him in disbelief. How could he shrug off what she had just told him? Was it possible that he truly cared for her that much? She sniffed in a decidedly unladylike manner and continued her story. “I lived two more years of hell. I never conceived again.” She gave him a small smile. “I suppose that was a blessing then, but now…I’d always thought I'd have children, but I don't think it's possible. He ruined me in so many ways,” she whispered. She'd lived a lifetime of regret in those two years. “I hated my life. I hated myself. And I hated him. One night while he was out, I took out the portrait of my parents that I had carried with me all those years. I kept it hidden because it was the only thing I had left of them, and I knew he would take it from me. It was what got me through my darkest days, and there were many of them. It always restored my soul to look into my parents’ eyes.” She looked wistfully into the fire and sighed. “What I wouldn't give to have that picture now.”
“He took it from you?”
“Not exactly. He came home unexpectedly and caught me looking at it. I shoved it behind my back, but he could tell I was hiding something. When I refused to show it to him, he grabbed my hair and threw me into the table, and of course, it slipped out of my hand. He snatched it up and started screaming at me, wanting to know who the people were and why I had been hiding it from him. He'd been drinking heavily, so he was worse than usual, and things got out of control pretty quickly. The rest of it happened so fast I'm surprised I can remember it. But I do,” she said, a haunted look coming into her eyes. “Every last moment.
“He threw the frame into the fire. I screamed and tried to get to it, but he knocked me back. It was gone before I could do anything about it. I watched as the only precious thing left in my life disappeared into the flames, taking the rest of me with it. And all at once, every horrifying moment, every beating I had taken, every last thing I had lost came rushing at me in a torrent of anger and bitterness. And in that moment I decided that I couldn't take it anymore. Not one more slap, not one more perverse encounter…I swore that no man would ever touch me again, and I picked up the knife that was on the table. When he lunged at me, much to his surprise, I stood my ground. He lost his footing and pitched forward, and when he fell back, the knife was in his stomach. He just lay there, gasping, and I panicked. I grabbed any money I could find and ran out the door. I never looked back.” She fell silent for a moment, reliving the memory of seeing Vincent lying by the hearth, bleeding profusely and making horrible gurgling sounds. She had fled the flat, and London, and had never returned for fear of prosecution. “Do you see now why I couldn't tell you?” Elizabeth stared down into the fire. “I couldn't risk it.” She turned to face Aidan. “You were so kind to me. I felt safe here…after all I'd been through, I felt safe for the first time in years. I can't tell you what that's like. And there you were, ignoring everything society says you should do, and calling me a friend. How could I admit to you that you were harboring a murderer and a prostitute in your own home?”
“Elizabeth, you are not a murderer. You did not intend to kill him, it was an accident.”
“Accident or not, he wouldn't be dead if it weren't for me.”
“I think it's pretty fair to say he deserved what befell him after all he did to you.”
“How can you sit there and defend me? I took a man's life! A peer’s, at that! Do you know what they do to paupers who attack members of the aristocracy?”
“Elizabeth, he tripped. Because he was drinking. Because he was about to attack you. How do you know that it wouldn't have been the time he finally killed you?” Aidan touched her elbow. “You can't keep blaming yourself. Lord Burke got what he deserved. He was a vicious man who never thought twice about hurting you…or your baby. Does it mean nothing to you that he killed your child?”
Elizabeth closed her eyes. She had tried for so long to put that out of her mind, because she couldn't handle the anger that came with the thought.
“Don't torture yourself, Elizabeth. Even if you had wanted to save him, there was nothing you could have done.”
Elizabeth gazed at him. Even after all she had told him, he was still sitting with her, his hand on her arm, looking at her with love in his eyes. There was nothing left he didn't know about her now, and he was still looking at her like that. She should have known he was too good a man to turn his back on her. But others wouldn't be so kind, and it didn't change the fact that she wouldn't be able to give Aidan the heirs he needed to continue his family's name. She couldn't let him sacrifice so much just for her.
She sighed and stood to poke at the fire. “Do you see now why I can't marry you?”
Aidan blinked. “No.”
“What?” Disbelief colored her shock.
“Elizabeth, I told you before. Your past matters not to me. You lived your life as you had to in order to survive. No one can blame you for that. What matters to me is who you are now, and what you mean to me.”
“But Aidan, you'd be resigning yourself to a life without…I mean, I can’t perform…I—” She flushed at what she was about to say, but Aidan interrupted.
“I am sure we can change that, Elizabeth. It will take time, but I would hope that as you learn to trust me, the physical aspect of our relationship will blossom as well.”
“I…I don't know…”
“Do you find kissing me unbearable?” he asked with a smile, coming up behind her and resting his hands on her shoulders. “Because you seemed to enjoy it at least a little bit.”
Elizabeth flushed. He had a point. Hadn't she just the other night practically given herself to him on the balcony? But still…
“Aidan, I don't know if I can bear you children. You need heirs to continue your title,” she pointed out, turning to face him.
“Elizabeth, my father would come back from the grave to throttle me if I ever chose my title over love. It's simply not the most important thing. Besides, the estate itself is not entailed. It will go to Lainey and her children if I have none.”
“You deserve a house full of children. Don't you want children?” she cried desperately.
“I didn't want any of this, remember?” He tucked her hair behind her ear. “I wasn't supposed to wake up each morning with your name on my lips, or lie awake at night wondering why you're not beside me. It wasn't supposed to hurt when you told me you were leaving. I'm not supposed to be jealous when I see you dancing with other men. I didn't want any of it. My life was perfectly ordered until you…came b
arreling into it. I didn't want to care about you, didn't want to know what it was like to have my heart beat faster when you walk into the room or have my breath stolen away when I look into your eyes. I didn't want to want you, I didn't want to need you…I didn't want to love you, Elizabeth.” He reached out and touched her cheek. “But I do. I love you with my body and soul. And it's the most wonderful feeling I've ever known. Can you look me in the eye and deny you feel the same?”
Elizabeth shifted uncomfortably. She regarded Aidan for a moment, willing herself to be able to lie, but no matter what her logical mind said, she couldn't convince herself that she did not love him.
“I cannot,” she said softly. “But I—”
“Stop,” Aidan said, holding up his hand. “You've had an emotional evening, and I do not want an answer from you tonight. I just want you to think about it.” He gave her shoulders a gentle squeeze and peered intently at her. “Elizabeth, I cannot erase what has been done to you, nor can I fix the conflict of emotions within you. But I can promise you that I will spend the rest of my life helping you put this behind you so that you can live in peace at last. I want to replace all your bad experiences with good ones so you never again have anything to fear.” He touched her cheek. “Starting tonight.”
“Tonight?” she said, startled. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, it's late and you need to get some rest before we leave, so I am going to lie down with you—dressed as I am,” he pointed out when he saw her eyes widen with alarm, “and I am going to hold you. So, you can sleep, you can cry, you can lie awake for the next few hours because you're afraid, but whatever you choose, I am going to hold you in my arms all night as you begin to learn to trust me.”
Elizabeth was torn between fear and longing. She didn't know what kind of memories this would stir, or if she was prepared to deal with them. But at the same time, the thought of Aidan's comforting presence surrounding her all night appealed to her immensely at the moment. She didn't want to be alone tonight. “Where are we going?”
All That I Am: A Victorian Historical Romance (The Hesitant Husbands Series Book 1) Page 18