by E. McNew
“Oh I know. I have thought about all of that!” she affirmed. We were going through the drive-through as she ordered James a burger with no onions. After she paid, I decided to have her drive down to my school so she could see what would really happen if she got pregnant. She wouldn’t want to go to regular school anymore. The other students would talk too much. As I predicted, she got excited about the school and even the hidden away classrooms down the hill. I knew that she had her mind made up - just like I had mine made up not too long before.
Chapter 19
“Whoohoo! I did NOT think I was going to pass!” I childishly screamed as I skipped down the line of the Department of Motor Vehicles. “Good job, sweet pea!” my mother said. She was carrying Chloe in her car seat as we walked out of the once-horrifying place that would determine my outward appearance as a responsible teen mother. I was desperate to start my junior year with the convenience of driving myself. I was a married woman and a mother, and I needed to look like it. School was only a week away.
After picking up one of my favorite lunches from a little diner, we arrived back home and the phone was ringing off the hook. I answered in my usual monotone. “Hello,” I said - it was Megan. “Elizabeth! Get over here, now!” She was breathing heavily like it was a huge emergency. “What is going on? Why?” I asked. “Just hurry up!” she screamed and hung up on me. Since I had just gotten my license, I thought it would be fun to take myself across the highway to Megan’s house. My mom said that it would be okay to use her car and she even offered to watch Chloe. I grabbed my bag and excitedly headed out the door, forgetting that my friend sounded like she was dying.
“Let me see it!” I excitedly demanded. She practically threw the thing at me, and I was happy the cap was on. “Yep, that is definitely a line. You are totally knocked up!” I announced. Megan was still in shock. We sat on the couch and discussed how she was going to break the news to James and even more worrisome, her dad. After coming up with ideas, I realized that it had been about an hour and I had to get back to Chloe. Now Megan would definitely be my study-buddy at school. I also had to make sure that Josh enrolled in the home-study option at the Teen Parents Program, since his ADHD had interfered with his ability to graduate high school. He was a father now, and he had to have his diploma.
That afternoon, after eating my mother’s delicious pasta and putting Chloe down for her nap, I laid on my bed and started thinking about how sad it would be to not have a traditional High School graduation. I was still determined to graduate this year, which would be a year early. I knew that I would probably end up not walking down the aisle with all the other students because the traditional Senior Project was always a requirement. Oddly though, I still had a vision of myself walking down that grassy aisle on the football field with my family all gathered, clapping and proudly screaming my name. Only pipe dreams, I thought to myself.
The first day of school had finally arrived. Megan was all set to attend the Teen Parents Program, and her dad was still as outraged as he had been the previous week when she broke the news to him. He put a very tight leash on her and she was restricted with everything that she did. James took the news well although his parents were upset. They thought that it would be best for the baby if they got married. Megan was begging her dad on a daily basis to sign the paperwork to let her tie the knot. He just wouldn’t budge. The morning that I was getting ready to show off my new baby to the girls I had made friends with at school the previous year, an intense blaze of sirens went off. It sounded as if it were just down the street. It made me wonder if Merri was ok, as she had just left for school in her beat up Camaro that she dearly loved so much. After about thirty seconds, I heard even more sirens. There must have been at least three police cars and first responders. Feeling sick to my stomach, I hoped for the best and began to pack up Chloe’s diaper bag. On my way out, I met my mother in the driveway as she was pulling in. She had gone to make sure the emergency had nothing to do with Merri. Luckily it didn’t. She did say that it looked like a black car had flipped over onto its roof near the entrance of the Keys. The Keys is a neighborhood on the lake with beautiful and expensive homes.
“Elizabeth! How are ya?” Mrs. Snow asked as she welcomed me. I gave her a smile and told her that I was ready to graduate this year. “You still have tons of credits to earn; let’s just take it one day at a time, okay?” I hesitantly nodded. In my mind, I was determined to graduate no matter what the obstacles would be. Mrs. Snow sat at the circular table with the group of girls including Megan and myself. She got a somber look on her face and asked if anyone had heard about what had happened earlier that morning. “I heard some really loud sirens, but that was about it.” I responded. Mrs. Snow took a deep breath before she spoke. “There was a fourteen-year-old girl, and I think her name was Melissa. She was skateboarding to her bus stop. Some guys, heading home from a night at the casinos, were speeding and hit her. She was flown to Sacramento, but they don’t think she’s going to make it. So sad...” She looked down. Hearing that was incredibly sad, and it bothered me probably more than anyone else in the room. The rest of my day at school was somber because of this, even with Megan cracking her typical jokes. The poor girl did not survive. Even though she was a little younger, I hung around the same crowd with her. Her older brother was my age. Merri had a crush on him in the seventh grade, which consisted of holding hands and a peck on the lips. My heart was aching for him and his family. When things like this happened in Tahoe it was usually a big deal, and everyone knew about it. It reminds me of the song, “Everybody dies famous in a small town.”
School had been in session for about a month, and I was nose-deep in my books and assignments. Megan was gone again. She and James had gone to live with James’ parents. Megan had taken her father to the Court House on a day that he was loopy from pain medicine because he had somehow broken his leg. He signed for her marriage certificate, but the next day decided that he was pissed again and didn’t want to consent. He hid the marriage license only for Megan to hunt it down while he was at work. Josh, Chloe, and I followed James and Megan down the hill to Reno where we met up with James’ parents who had driven in from Utah. If Megan was going to get away from her father to be with James, the marriage had to happen quickly. Megan had a last minute meltdown that almost stopped the wedding, but I convinced her that she had no choice. I had written “Congrats Megan and James!” on the back of their car. I didn’t have the official car-friendly paint for this, so I figured that my lipstick tube was good enough. I was bawling my eyes out when it came time to say goodbye.
For the next month or so, Josh and I had a hard time adjusting. We had grown attached to living with our best friends. They had become family, and we were very upset that they were gone. Coming home from a long day at school, I walked into the house with Chloe in my arms - she was about four months old already. Josh was sitting on the couch talking to a man in an Army uniform. It took me by surprise, and I was hopeful that Josh was doing something drastic to get our lives going. The recruiter gave me a friendly smile and shook my hand. He began going over different career options for Josh and all of the benefits that our family would have if he joined. It sounded beyond perfect. The next step would be to take a test in a few weeks to see what he qualified for. After that, we would schedule his date to leave for basic training. Josh became overly excited, probably more for bragging rights. He told every person he knew that he was joining the military. Everyone was excited for him, and I was dreaming up a whole new life in my head. I envisioned a small white house in a safe military neighborhood. I could see myself taking care of babies - yes, BABIES… and being the housewife that I wanted to be. The whole idea was romantic. I would have a husband in the military that would come home every day in a uniform. It couldn’t be more perfect.
Since Chloe was so easy to care for and Josh was joining the army, I thought to myself - this is the perfect time to have another baby! I want to get pregnant before he leaves so he knows that I won
’t cheat on him, and he will be able to focus on his training.
Looking back, I probably subconsciously wanted to get pregnant again to put more pressure on Josh to be more responsible. Although he worked, it just was not enough to support us. Josh’s job only paid him a quarter over minimum wage. If it hadn’t been for my mother, we would have been in big financial trouble. I don’t know where we would have lived or how we would have fed ourselves without her. I wanted to give my mother a break, so I spent more time with Josh at his mother’s house. She was happy to see more of Chloe and didn’t seem to drink as much with Chloe around. Josh’s test was only a few days away, and the results would determine our future.
I was getting ready to leave Hilda’s house to go to school. Josh had just left with the recruiter to take his test in a town about two hours away. I was nervous for him, mainly because I knew that his untreated ADHD was the reason he did not graduate High School. I worried that it would affect him during the test. I went about my day staying close to my new cell phone that I had recently bought. Finally, right after I finished my disgusting cafeteria lunch, it rang. It was Josh. “Did you pass? What was your score?” I impatiently asked. In a casual and not very concerned tone, he replied, “No, I was three points off. I can’t take it again for another two weeks. Sorry sweetie.” I was so upset that I couldn’t immediately respond. I was let down, worried, and completely disappointed. The test could not have been that hard. “I guess you will just have to study and try again,” I said dryly.
I began to doubt Josh and what he was really going to accomplish with his life. I knew that he had potential, but it didn’t seem like he was trying very hard. Another week had passed, and I had resumed staying at my mother’s house. Josh went back and forth between houses, as usual. After finishing up my homework one night, I finished Josh’s homework too-which he refused to complete. As I was putting both assignments away I started counting back to the day that I had my last period. After realizing that I was four days late I knew that I would have to get a test in the morning.
I did not announce this to anyone, not even Josh. It was just a suspicion, and maybe it was stress from school, work, and the whole Army ordeal. Before heading to school the next day, I stopped at the grocery store to purchase a pregnancy test. I wasn’t about to steal another one like I had before. I had a baby who depended on me now and I just wasn’t that person anymore. Once the test was in my possession and Chloe was buckled into her seat, the anticipation was just too much to handle. I went home and decided that Mrs. Snow would forgive me if I were late to class. Anxiously awaiting the results, I once again stared at myself in the mirror. My reflection was much different than it had been the first time. I had a new appreciation for life, and a new respect for what it really took to be a mother. I was happy with what I saw and who I had become. I was growing up. Glancing down to the counter, the pink line stared back at me and told me that Chloe would be a big sister.
Announcing this news did not have nearly the same effect as it had the first time around. Josh was the first to find out, responding with an “I love it when you’re pregnant!” and a hug. “So you love me when I’m fat, cause I could have just gone on a Twinkie diet!” I teased. I wasn’t sure how I felt about this pregnancy. I was excited but also nervous. Josh wasn’t holding his end of the bargain as much as I had hoped he would. Lilah found out next. I had told her that my period was late, and she excitedly went to purchase me another test thinking it was my first. I took the test and handed it over, knowing what the results would be. “Yep! You’re pregnant!” she said. “Hey, Mom! Liz is pregnant again!” she yelled down the hallway. “Is she really?” My mom responded. My mom wasn’t mad, just surprised. The only questionable reaction I received was from one of my teachers at school. She sort of cringed as if she were thinking, “What the hell is wrong with you?” All in all, I had a good amount of support. This also meant that I would really have to come up with an alternate living arrangement. It would be asking way too much of my mother to support Josh and I with a second baby. My mom was busy with her own life, and I didn’t want to hassle her any more. She never implied that we were an annoyance, but it was just time to grow up.
Josh and I put our name on a waiting list for a low-income apartment complex. They only took thirty percent of your income for rent, regardless of what it was. The wait, however, would be about six months. Our other option was a townhouse community that always looked so clean and cute. It was relatively new and I liked how it was so close to school. We put in our paperwork and got a call a few days later. We had been accepted and told that we could move in right away. The only problem was that it would cost $680 a month. With Josh’s job, we were only able to pay for diapers and car insurance. My mother had given me her old car when she got herself a new one. My mother had given me everything so far. She paid our first month’s rent too.
Chapter 20
While I was continuing my schoolwork and suffering through terrible bouts of morning sickness, we were getting ready to move into our little one-bedroom townhouse in a few days.
The holidays were coming up, and there was so much going on all at once. I had been consistent and diligent with not only racing ahead with my schoolwork, but also altering my handwriting just enough to pull off doing Josh’s homework as well. I had finally gotten to his last few assignments when Mrs. Snow announced to me that Josh was all set, and would get his diploma in June with everyone else. She wanted him to wait to get his diploma because she thought that his hard work deserved to be celebrated with a formal graduation ceremony.
Oh jeez, you have no idea lady that I did his homework, I thought to myself. As I had expected, Josh avoided the Army recruiter and did not even attempt to study for the test that he had to retake. As far as he was concerned, those exciting and hopeful days were over.
He seemed happy with working his meager job and getting nowhere. It was hard for me to accept this, and I easily blocked it out of my mind, telling myself that he was still young and would eventually grow up.
Moving day had arrived and it was time to say goodbye to the childhood bedroom that had given me many years of comfort and content. I had many life-changing moments in that room and had grown from a child to a teenager to a mother. Every happy, scary, uncertain, and beautiful day had with me falling asleep in that room. I had spent many evenings staring out of my second story window while the sun went down just thinking and dreaming of what my life would be like in ten years. From getting into sneaky trouble with my twin after our mother had fallen asleep to getting into some knockdown fights with her (and her evil bird), I was truly sad to leave, and deep down I knew that this would never be my bedroom again. I turned around with my arms full of my last straggling belongings to take a last look, and I knew that it would sink into my memory forever.
Walking into our new home for the first time, I was pleased with the cleanliness but I was displeased with the smell. It had that musty “apartment” smell. It definitely didn’t have the smell I was accustomed to. We immediately began putting things away, knowing that Chloe would determine our schedule. As ten o’clock at night neared, we were just about done. I hadn’t realized how many belongings we actually had. We somehow managed to acquire everything that we would need to be independent. My mom peeked in through the front door to check on me and ask if there were anything else that I would need. “No, I think we have everything.” I said quietly, trying to hide the fact that I was already homesick. “Ah, Lizzy-Beth, I know you’re going to miss home, but you’ll be ok!” she said and rubbed my head. She almost opened the floodgates once more. I knew that this time I had to be strong and tough it out. I was devastated deep down although I had wanted this so badly only a year earlier.
Waking up in our new home the first morning was confusing for a few seconds. I knew where I was, but it didn’t register that it was permanent. I had a feeling that any minute I would be back in my old room, and my life would be as it always had been. It took a week for me to adju
st to my new surroundings. I tried to stay busy by going to school on time, every day, and I even took an extra college course with Lilah to help ensure that I would graduate early. Lilah was a big chicken and didn’t want to face a class titled “Human Sexuality” on her own. I thought it was funny, and it would probably be interesting.
Chloe was nearing ten months old, and my belly had once again blown up on me and much quicker. I was about five months pregnant and feeling every little pain that came along with it. Josh started drinking even more, and it did not help that he was friendly with a neighbor who was his age and also drank. It frustrated me, and I wanted him to grow up so desperately. There was a night where I had chest pains so intense that I had to go to the emergency room and take Chloe with me. Josh, of course, was passed out drunk and completely useless. The on-call doctor gave me a cocktail of medications claiming that I had heartburn. I had a horrible reaction to this and ended up hallucinating in the hospital for the next six hours. I was scared and alone; my own husband didn’t even try to sober up to be by my side. This made me wonder what else I would have to worry about in the future.
As school continued, I tried to continue to avoid thinking about what a loser I had married. I was still on track and getting very close to completing my last few units to graduate. It was actually going to happen a year early, and I was incredibly excited. As Mrs. Snow was going over my completed work, I spoke up and told her what I wanted. “So, my twin sister, Merri, is going to be graduating a year early too, and I thought it would be really cool if I could walk down the aisle with her. What do I need to do to make this happen?” Mrs. Snow looked somewhat surprised that I was so serious about this. “Well, Elizabeth, you would need to do your senior project. It is a lot of work, and you will have to get started right away. With you caring for Chloe and your pregnancy, are you sure this is something you want to take on?” she asked, looking concerned. “Absolutely! I really want to make this happen, and I know that I can,” I reassured her. It was official. I was going to tackle my senior project and make my vision come to life. Everyone would be proud of me, and more importantly, I would be proud of myself. I was ready to prove to the world that I was more than just a statistic.