by Carr, Suzie
I would never be free until I unstrapped these tired cuffs. Until I trusted that the key I held could open them. Until I figured out that I held the key all of my life and never knew it, because I spent that time hiding behind a smokescreen so deep and stoked that the key appeared to be nothing more than another obstacle in my way. The time to shed this old tired life and start fresh presented itself to me.
I could’ve chosen to stay hidden and create a silence so stark no one would hear it or I could’ve chosen to free my story for others to learn and pass on. I chose freedom. And when I did, the smoke cleared.
“The day I wrote this film I stepped outside of myself and into the heart of someone else who, despite having been through hell and back, still allowed his light to shine on me and others. My hope is that kids like Travis will be moved by it and realize that if they can love abundantly without expectation, they will harness all the power from within to change the world and eradicate bullying.”
I backed away from the podium, numb and shaking, dizzy from emptying the most personal parts of my soul to a room full of strangers. I walked down the stairs walked in wide strides back down the aisle not sure what to do with all of this lightness. I knew at that moment, regardless of what came my way, I would be okay now. I flew freely and safely.
I landed outside in front of the building. The warm air circled me and swaddled me in comfort. I knew without a doubt that everything would work out now. I walked to the edge of the trees and took in their beauty. I breathed in their freshness.
“Jane,” Eva called out to me. I turned and she ran over to me, her hair flapping in the gentle breeze. When she got to me, she scrolled her eyes around my face, taking me all in, making me feel like a princess. “You are so beautiful.”
I gulped back tears.
Her eyes softened on me. “I am so sorry for all that you had to go through. I get it now. I get why you hid. I get why you ran away from us. I get it, honey.”
Fear melted. Elation rose. Tingles returned. And, the hungry need to reach out and touch her beckoned me to act. So, I did. I placed my hand on her cheek and brushed her skin with my thumb, soaking up her softness, her sweet breath, and the love that sprang from her eyes. Under the budding sunrays, circled in a golden hue of light and love, I leaned in closer and enjoyed the tug of arousal, the euphoric rush, the sweet flavor of her joyful smile and the comfort that it provided, ready at last for my first kiss.
She smiled wider and cooed, leaning in and speaking to me through her eyes, reassuring me, urging me to come closer, begging me to release my anxiety and settle into this beautiful moment that we’d waited an eternity to enjoy. I circled my gaze down to her lips, her wet, moist fleshy lips, and desperately craved to taste them. I braved all and traveled my finger up to them, tracing them and melting at their warmth. Caught up and cocooned in this moment, I moved in and kissed them with my own trembling lips. They felt so right, so tender, and so perfect against mine. She cradled my face in her hands and pulled me tighter to her. She breathed out and I breathed her in.
“I’m glad it was you,” she whispered into my mouth.
“Really?”
“Those eyes.” She gazed at me. “They attracted me that first day in the bathroom.”
I kissed her again. Then, I asked the burning question. “What about your girlfriend?”
“I ended it. She is just no Jane Knoll.”
I sealed in this admission by closing my eyes. She ran her soft touch along my cheek. “I really adore you, CarefreeJanie,” she whispered.
Warm ripples wrapped around me. I pressed into her hungry for more. I pushed past her lips and flirted with her tongue, enjoying the dance, forgetting we were two women standing in a parking lot, making out. We continued kissing, seeking warmth in each other’s breaths. Then, she stared at me the way one would stare at a beautiful girl. I pressed against her and kissed her like she was my life source, my nutrition, and my entire world.
# #
She held out a helmet for me. “You’re going to look adorable in this,” she said handing it to me, her lips slightly parted.
I took it from her slender hands and stared at it. “Put it on for me?” I handed it back to her.
She moved in close, her warm breath brushing my face. Up close like this, her face looked delicious, natural, the perfect combination of smooth and soft. She didn’t take her eyes from mine as she placed the helmet on my head and secured it under my chin. When secured, she continued to tease me with her smiling gaze. “You’re safe now, honey.”
“Really?” I asked this with a raspy edge to my voice I’d never heard. “I feel slightly reckless right now.”
She ran her fingers through the edges of my hair. “I have to admit that the entire time we were finishing up in the event, I could think of nothing else than you holding me tight around my waist, hugging me.”
This image of me pressed up against her, feeling my chest beat against the arch in her back drove me wild. “Let’s go,” I whispered.
She placed a helmet on her head and mounted her bike. “Hop on, beautiful. Your chariot awaits.”
I slid onto the bike’s black seat and I slipped naturally into the cradle of her butt. I pulled up on my skirt so it covered the top of my legs. My crotch rested smack up against her ass. If she were naked, she’d feel I wore lacy undies. She reached for my hands and circled them around her small waist. She caressed my hands, and I leaned into her, indulging in her sexy, clean scent, resting against her and sealing in this moment when I cradled a woman in my arms. I desperately wanted her to turn around so I could kiss her again. I wanted to feel her soft tongue in my mouth, twirling with mine in a seductive dance of chase where we took turns flipping, rolling, and tumbling around each other’s breaths.
She cranked the engine and the seat vibrated between my legs, revving high then low, then high again, percolating beneath me, sending wonderful flutters through my vagina. “Hold on, okay?”
I pressed my cheek against her shoulder blade and squeezed her tighter. She backed out of the spot slowly, checking behind us several times. My heart raced for what was to come. Never had I indulged in such danger, such exhilaration before. Just an open road ahead of us, we tore off down the parking lot like a couple of wild girls heading out for spring break with just the clothes on our back and a pocket full of lust to sprinkle on our way.
At our first traffic light she yelled out to me. “What do you think of heading out to western Maryland to see some of the farm scenery? I don’t get to see farmland in New York City.”
I yelled above the engine. “Whatever you’d like, babe. I’m all yours.”
She revved the engine with that.
We headed out on the back roads towards Frederick. We passed through grassy towns where cows hung out in fields. Gentle, rolling green hills sloped around us. We owned the road. We stopped at one point to check out some horses that grazed close to a wooden fence. She cut the engine. I dismounted on her cue. I released my hair from the helmet and tossed it around, sure the frizz flew with the wind.
She dismounted, shook her hair, too, and placed her helmet on the handle. I placed mine on the seat. We stood facing each other. “I just want to hold you,” she said.
I opened my arms to her and she fell into them. We embraced, rubbing each other’s backs, resting our cheeks on each other’s shoulders. I sought out her lips this time, and she responded with a lovely moan. I couldn’t imagine how this scene could’ve gotten more romantic. But, then she backed away, took my hand in hers and began running towards the fence. When we reached it, she tore off her shoes. I tore off mine. We giggled, latched onto each other’s hands again, and climbed through the wooden fence. We started running through the open field of overgrown greenery and wild flowers. Larry would’ve died thinking of all the insects crawling on the blades. Exhilarated, I squeezed Eva’s hand. We galloped together like a couple of wild horses, laughing, panting, and jumping over tall cattails and wild hyacinths. We ran past a sil
o, past an old beat-up farmhouse with a broken door and holes in its sides, past an abandoned, rusted old car that resembled something straight out of the nineteen twenties. The sky smelled as fresh as spring dew, as damp as a summer evening’s rain. We ran in a heaven of our own, side by side. We ran like this for several minutes not bothering to notice the dark clouds rolling in from the west until they started to drop large pellets of rain on top of us. We stopped, looked up, and bent over in hysterical giggles before clinging to each other and spinning around in circles. The rain pelted us, and urged us closer. “The rain loves us,” she said.
“I can’t blame it.”
She cupped her hands around my jaw and lifted my mouth to hers and kissed me hard. “I want to make love to you. Right here. Right now.”
I melted in her arms, weak to her touch, surrendering to her love. I thought of the old barn we had just passed. I reached for her hand and ran with her in that direction, this time taking the lead. We ran fast, so fast that we tripped at one point and landed in a heap on top of each other, matted to the grassy field as if one with the Earth’s beauty. We rolled around in the mud, kissing each other passionately, and hungry for more. Then, the thunder clapped, and she bolted to her feet, pulling me up with her. “Ah, hurry,” she said pulling me towards the old barn.
We giggled and tore through the rain, dodging raindrops the size of dimes until we reached the broken door. We pushed through it, and entered the old building. The ceiling looked about ready to collapse under the weight of the giant raindrops.
“Do you think it’s safe?” she asked, looking up at the holes in the ceiling. Her hair clung to her golden, wet skin, beckoning me to twirl it between my fingers.
I reeled her in close and twirled it, loving the cool, messy feel of it on my skin. Her breaths quickened and bathed me in warmth. We stood staring into each other’s eyes, dripping, muddy and high on love. She pressed into me and nudged me against the wooden plank wall. She pushed against the wall behind me and caressed me in a deep, lingering kiss. Heat passed through her to me, turning my body to mush, melting me like sweet butter.
“You’re trembling,” she said.
I kissed her bottom lip, nibbling on it lightly. She moaned and this caused me to nibble a bit harder.
She pulled me away from the wall, and I pulled her back. She pressed harder against me. She wedged her leg provocatively between my legs and I rocked against it, feeling the familiar rush of moisture. “You don’t mind the mess in this barn, do you?” she asked as she lifted her lips from mine in thoughtful gesture.
I grabbed hold of her hair and ran my fingers through it. “I don't care about the rusty walls or floors. All I'm focused on is you. Everything is a blur, except you.”
She pushed me harder against the wall, and kissed me with a new hunger. “You're intoxicating. I just look at you and melt.” She lifted the edge of my skirt and pushed it up one exhilarating nudge at a time, until it rose up around my waist and brushed against her leg that wedged between my wet inner thighs. She caressed me with her fingers, and I swelled against her touch. I clung to her, resting my head on her shoulders cooing, panting, and caving into this most intoxicating ride. My eyes closed, my lips sought out her neck, her shoulders, her breasts.
“I can’t get enough of you,” I whispered, now tickling her breast with my tongue. She lifted my head, a tease rested on the spokes of her eyes. She kissed me gently, still fingering with a consistent pressure that built up to that point of no return.
She lowered me to the ground, gently placing my head against the matted hay. She spread my legs, and then landed between them. Her warm breath swirled around my now sensitive, hungry vagina. Her soft lips landed on it. She felt like honey, soft, warm and gentle. My head spun in wonderful circles, dipping, twirling, and pirouetting on beat to her perfectly executed timing. She knew just how to move and with just the right pressure. Her tongue felt so right inside me, pushing deeper and harder. I started to tremble; my legs shook, and my hips swayed in response, my hands clung to the back of her head pushing her harder against me as my legs opened wider waiting, readying, steadying against the massive waves mounting in me. “You’re sending me over the edge,” I said. She sent me reeling and flying through the air on nothing more than euphoric dust, gifting me with the most relaxed feeling ever. I moaned and screamed out in pleasure as she rocked me gently, slowly, lovingly, coming to rest on my long exhale.
She rose to her knees, straddled me and sprinkled me in gentle kisses from my forehead to my eyelids to my cheeks and to my chin. I never felt so loved, so protected, so safe as I did in that moment. “I love you so much,” she whispered when she landed her wet lips on mine.
“I love you more,” I said, holding nothing back. I sat up and she sat down next to me, then took me in her arms and held me tightly. I rested my head against her beating chest. “I’m so weak now. I can barely catch my breath.”
She kissed the top of my head and caressed me tighter. “I loved pleasing you.” She ran her fingers through my hair, doting on me like a princess. We held each other for several minutes and then I propped up on my knees and guided her to the ground and began to explore her beautiful curves, her golden skin, her navel, her hips, and finally her wet and swollen vagina. She tasted salty, earthy, and beautifully natural. My lips and tongue sought her out with a natural know-how, like I’d been doing this all of my life. All fear evaporated and a hunger replaced it, a hunger of wanting nothing more than to please her by feeding her a pleasure that would rip through her like no other. She responded as I did, with lovely moans, trembles, earth-shattering jolts that told me she traveled to that place of ecstasy where grass grew a million times greener, where rain smelled a gazillion times fresher and where the body disappeared and tingles overtook it.
We spent the next hour clinging to each other, drenched with raindrops from the leaky roof, professing our love, and promising more journeys just like this for as long as humanly possible.
# #
The next day Larry called me and told me Tim had a talk with his wife and confessed his affair. His wife confessed an affair she’d been having the ten-and-a-half years they’d been married. He would move Tim in that night.
“And what about you? Have you talked to Eva?”
I turned to Eva and smiled. “You could say that.” I kissed the tip of her nose.
“And?”
“That’s going to require some cheesecake.”
“Oh no. Are you okay?”
I twirled Eva’s hair and gazed into her eyes. “We’re going to need to rethink our cheesecake outings. We need to keep traditional New York Style for those typical ‘cheesecake nights,’ but we also are going to need a blueberry or strawberry cheesecake for happier ones.”
“Strawberry it is.”
“Well hold on. Jumping a little soon to conclusions, aren’t you?”
“This new ring to your tone of voice suits you so much better, darling. Maybe we’ll just really change things up and turn our strawberry cheesecakes into double dates.”
“Let’s make it at least a week from now. I think we both need some time to enjoy being New York Style-free for a while.”
“Indulge.” He hung up on one of the gayest giggles I’d ever heard escape his mouth.
# #
Within a month, Sanjeev signed off on the paperwork that would allow Eva to work out of the main branch in Maryland. Doreen, Katie and I worked for days emptying out a small meeting room and then dressing it up with pretty plants, new furniture, and plenty of office supplies.
The Saturday before she was scheduled to start in the Maryland office, she pulled up on her motorcycle in front of my condo. She climbed off, removed her helmet, and shook her beautiful head of hair all while staring up at me as I stood on the deck admiring her. We shared a smile before she leapt forward and bounded up the stairs to her new home.
We spent the entire weekend wrapped up in each other’s arms, dreaming up where we’d go from there. We b
oth agreed that the first order of business was to sign me up for motorcycle lessons. From there, we’d just let life take us on a ride and surprise us.
A few months later
We entered Tim’s friends’ backyard. The weather forecast called for severe thunderstorms all day, and yet not a cloud brewed in the sky. Eva and I sat in the last row, center aisle. I snapped a picture of the flowered archway and posted to Twitter with the comment: All we need are the grooms. Katie responded immediately with “Larry’s probably still manicuring his nails!” I showed Eva and she jumped on and said: “He’s going for hot pink today. He’s going to be a lovely groom.”
Travis walked out of the backdoor to Ellis and Matthew’s house wearing a black tux, looking so handsome. He wore a proud smile, embarking on surely one of the biggest honors of his lifetime. Tim’s ex-wife walked out next. She wore a beautiful, fitted black dress and dazzled. She walked by us and up the aisle and stood opposite Travis. Next Tim walked out. His blonde hair blew in the breeze, and his eyes danced wildly with joy as he passed us by and walked up the aisle. He stood tall next to Travis. Then, finally the door opened and out waltzed Larry wearing a white tuxedo with a hot pink bowtie. He passed me by with a wink, looking more relaxed than ever. Eva cradled my back as we watched him walk up the aisle towards the man he loved. Tim looked at Larry with adoration. Two men free to love, free to start a life together, free to bring out the very best in one another. My dear friend was marrying the man of his dreams, the most perfect man.