by Louise Bay
“Let’s see where we are at Christmas. I’ve got a lot going on,” I said. I didn’t want to give her false hope, but there was no point in upsetting her unnecessarily.
“We could be happy, the three of us,” she said softly.
My stomach churned and the sense of obligation that was never far from the surface agreed with her. I got her pregnant. I owed her, didn’t I? “I have to go,” I said.
She had tears in her eyes, but she nodded. I kissed her on the top of her head and headed out. To Haven.
“Hey,” Haven said as she opened the door. “How was it?”
I leaned forward, meaning to give her a quick peck on the lips, but as soon as I got near, her scent drew me in, the sweet honeysuckle and musk that was who she was. I circled her waist with my hands and turned the kiss deeper, wanting to get closer. Pulling back, I smiled at her.
“It was that good, huh?”
“We got the results we wanted from the testing and Eric’s happy, so I’m happy.”
“You don’t seem that happy. Are you just tired?”
“It’s good to see you. But yes, I’m tired.” I headed into the kitchen for a beer. I was shattered mentally and physically. It was okay as long as I kept going, but being with Haven relaxed me and now I felt the weight of everything I was juggling.
“How’s Millie?” she asked as she went to sit on the sofa.
“She had her ultrasound. Everything is how it should be. It looks like an alien from the DVD, but apparently that’s normal.” I fought back a grin. Was it okay to talk about this stuff with her? I didn’t want to keep secrets from her, but at the same time I didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable.
“You saw it?” she asked as I sat down next to her.
“Yeah, I stopped by on my way here. Is that okay?” I patted my lap, wanting to touch her. She lifted her feet and I snuck my hand up her trouser leg to stroke her smooth, soft skin.
“Of course it’s okay. It’s your baby.”
I nodded. It was my child. My responsibility. I was going to be someone’s protector, their safety net. I wanted it, but the reality was increasingly daunting.
“I was cooking chicken, but would you prefer to go out?” she asked as she removed her legs from my lap and rearranged herself farther away from me.
“Hey.” I pulled her closer and wrapped my arm around her, bringing her head to my shoulder. “No, let’s stay in. I want you to myself and I want to hear about your day.” I didn’t want to talk about the things that took me away from Haven anymore tonight.
Her arms curled around my waist and she hugged me tight. Normally, we would be three steps away from naked, but for now, this was what I needed. Haven close to me, holding me as I was holding her. I wanted to know she was with me on this journey.
The alarm on her phone jolted us from our embrace.
“I need to take the chicken out,” she said and I reluctantly let her go.
“Hey, are you okay?” I asked. Her eyes were glassy. She nodded. “Are you upset?”
She smiled and shook her head. “No, not at all. I have a bit of hay fever, that’s all.”
She was clearly close to tears but I didn’t want to push her. The situation was impossible. I was asking a lot of her but I needed to know we were okay, that she was mine.
I stood up and held out my hand. “Come on, dinner can wait.” I led her toward the bedroom.
There were no ropes that night. No need to restrain her. She’d never looked so beautiful.
“Turn over,” I said. She was on all fours and although she had the most perfect ass, I wanted to see her face. I wanted her eyes on mine as she came.
She turned, kneeling to face me, placing her fingers on my shoulders. I loved her hands there. They were so frail and small against my bulk. I grabbed her ass, lifted her and threw her back on the bed. “I have to be inside you right now.”
She reached for her breasts and I pulled her hands away. I wanted an unrestricted view as they moved when I pounded into her.
“Oh, Haven, feel that?” I asked as I felt her warmth.
“Jake,” she whispered and tilted her head back. She was close. She was perfect when she was at this point. She’d do anything for me. She’d tell me anything. It felt powerful and intimate. I knew only I’d ever seen her like this. So exposed. So undone.
Her fingernails dug into the skin of my upper arms and I tried to focus on the pain instead of the beautiful look on her face. Her body went rigid and I saw the climax on her face a second before her muscles rippled around me. I thrust harder, deeper, my orgasm taking over and crashing through me. I groaned as I came, collapsing on top of her the way I knew she liked. Her hands snaked round my back and pulled me closer. She was usually limp and exhausted, but tonight she wouldn’t let go of me. When I rolled to my side, she clung to me.
“Hey,” I said.
She kissed my shoulder again and again. Small, sweet kisses.
I tried to move her so I could see her beautiful face, but she concentrated on pressing her lips to my skin and who was I to argue? Eventually, her grip loosened and she moved off the bed to go to the bathroom.
She came back wearing my t-shirt and I pulled at her waist, bringing her back to my front.
“I may be passing your office later today. I thought I’d come in and say hello.” Haven was sitting at her dressing table as I came out of the shower, towel drying my hair.
“That would be great. I could introduce you to Eric.”
“And Beth’s back tonight?” she asked.
“Yeah, this afternoon. Do you want to come over? I could cook for the three of us.” The more I thought about it, the more I was excited about having a new place, with a big kitchen, where we could cook together and have friends round.
“I think you should catch up with her. I have a deadline so I’ll probably be working late anyway.”
And when I had the new apartment, I could properly ask Haven to move in. I’d mentioned it but she wanted to wait to see how things went with my Dad and Millie and Elemental Energy. But when I was actually moved in, she’d see how great it could be and she’d know how I saw her as a crucial part of my future.
Haven
Last night had pushed me into a decision. Seeing Jake so conflicted, but trying to act as if nothing was wrong, I knew I had to take action. He was going to break if he didn’t let something go. And that something had to be me. I loved him and I wanted what was best for him—less pressure, the chance to be a real father, to be excited about his baby. I wanted that for him.
I knew as soon as he started talking about the scan that last night would be our last night together. He was exuberant but didn’t want to show it in front of me and that’s not how it should be. It nearly killed me, being with him, and knowing it would never happen again. That I would never feel him under my fingertips, inside me, over me—it was almost too much. Too painful.
I wasn’t being entirely selfless. I needed to walk away, too. I had to be sure of the people in my life. Jake was a good man and if the time ever came, he would have to choose Millie and his baby, and that was how it should be. But I couldn’t live with that. If I gave my heart and trust to someone, I needed to know that they would never leave me.
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
I’d passed the main entrance to Jake’s building for the fourth time. I knew I was doing the right thing, but part of me still wanted to believe it could be different. I had to stop delaying. There was no magic bullet, no strike of lightning that was going to make everything okay. It was now or never. I took a deep breath, releasing the muscles clenched in my belly. I smoothed back my hair, making sure nothing escaped my bun as I walked into the Lombard Street building.
A few minutes after the receptionist announced me, Jake rounded the corner, a huge grin on his face. Shit, shit shit. This was going to be even more difficult than I could have imagined.
“Hey, beautiful girl,” he said as he grabbed me into his arms. I tensed. “Sorry,
I forgot about the PDA rule. Let’s get somewhere more private.”
He pulled my hand into his and led me down the corridor and through a frosted glass door. Three heads snapped up as we walked in.
“Hey, everyone, this is Haven. Haven, this is Eric, Greg and Dale.”
I forced a smile. Luckily they weren’t particularly interested in me and quickly went back to their laptops.
“I thought it was going to be bigger.” I said as I scanned the small room. I thought there would be a corner where we could talk. There was never going to be a good time for this, but I thought with Beth being back today, now would make the most sense. He would have his sister for support.
“Let me show you.” Jake led me toward the back of the office and through a door into another much larger space. “They can take the wall down if we want them to. For now, it’s better to be in the smaller room when there are just four of us.” He was excited and it was lovely to see.
I nodded. “Do you have some water or—” I needed to stay strong but being with him made me doubt myself. I wanted him. I always wanted him.
“Yeah, let me . . .” He walked across the empty room toward a coffee machine on a bench and pulled open a fridge set beneath the coffee cups. He passed me a bottle of water and kept one for himself. “There’s not much of a view because it’s on the ground floor, but I don’t think that matters.”
“It’s great and the location is awesome. You should be so proud.”
He smiled. I hated to bring him down, but he’d understand eventually that this was right for both of us in the long term. And it was right . . . wasn’t it?
“You’ve got a lot going on,” I continued. “What with this all happening and buying a new flat, your dad and the baby and Millie—”
He stood right in front of me. “Yeah, but it’s all good. I can handle it and I know we don’t get loads of time together, but it will get better.” He stroked his hands down my arms.
“It’s not about the time. I’m not demanding more attention. Please don’t think that’s what this is about.” I didn’t want him to think I was a monster.
“What what is about?” His eyebrows drew together and his voice changed pitch.
I took another deep breath.
“Haven?” Jake bent his knees slightly, trying to catch my eye.
“It’s just, I think you have a lot going on and that maybe I need to let you concentrate on other things.” My voice came out smaller than I’d expected. I didn’t feel as confident that I could let him go now that I was in front of him.
“What are you saying? Are you running from me?”
I shook my head. “I’m not running. I promise, I’m not. I just think that you need to be consumed with other things and I shouldn’t be a priority for you.” I wasn’t explaining myself very well. I’d rehearsed this speech in my head a million times in the past twenty-four hours and it had all made so much sense when I was on my own.
Jake gripped my shoulders tenderly. “You are a priority for me—”
I couldn’t look at him. “But you should be concentrating on your business and your baby and Millie. I couldn’t live with myself if I thought I was the reason that you’re not in a relationship with the mother of your child, or that you’re not spending more time with your kid. You need some space to figure out what you need.”
“Haven, I know Millie has been a pain in the ass recently, but I didn’t run over to her the other night. And when I saw her about the ultrasound, I told her there was nothing going to happen between us. She gets that—”
“You don’t know what things would be like if you were single—” The black molasses that had been rooted in my gut spread across my body at the thought of him with Millie or anyone else.
“I can tell you categorically that if Millie was the last woman on the planet I wouldn’t want to be with her. I don’t love her. I love you. I always knew that girls like her weren’t right for me. But being with you has woken me up to why—”
“Please don’t make this harder. I just don’t think this is our time.” My throat constricted. I really didn’t want to cry. I needed to stay strong, to make sure Jake knew I was serious. “It’s less complicated to walk away now, while we’ve not been together long.” I blinked more and more rapidly, trying to stave off the tears. “Better that than—”
“It doesn’t matter to me how long we’ve been together. When you know, you know. Clichés are clichés for a reason. You can’t tell me you don’t feel the same. You might not have said the words, but I know you. I own you.” Jake pulled me toward him. I let myself sink into him one last time.
“You do and you always will, but I need to walk away.” I couldn’t tell him that part of the reason I needed to leave was so I didn’t live in constant fear that he was going to abandon me. I couldn’t live like that, waiting for him to leave me. If I told him, he’d say anything to persuade me that it wouldn’t happen. And I wanted to hear it all. I wanted to hear it too much, which was why I needed to go. I was in too deep already.
“You can’t be serious, Haven. I can see you’re upset. You don’t want to walk away.”
I realized I wasn’t going to convince him by telling him it was what was best for him. He had to see this was what I wanted. “I’m sorry. I do.” It was all I could manage. My resolve was wavering. His touch and his smell were pulling me toward him. I placed my hands on his chest and gently tried to create some space between us.
“Haven, no. I’ll speak to Millie and say she can’t call unless it’s an emerg—”
That’s when I knew I’d made the right decision. “Don’t you dare do that for me. You see how conflicted you are? You see how you are being pulled in different directions? I never want to feel that you prioritized me over your pregnant ex-girlfriend, but you’re right, part of me needs that from you. And that’s not fair. It’s not fair to you, Millie or me. I can’t live like that.”
Jake’s hold loosened and I stepped away from him. He let me go and my heart shattered into a million pieces. I’d got what I wanted, just as I feared.
He pushed his hands through his hair and turned to the window. He looked so beautiful, but so upset. I hated that I had been the cause. But it was the right thing to do in the long run. There would be more pain, and it would be deeper for both of us, the longer we waited.
“I’m sorry.” I left before I could change my mind.
Jake
I’d always known that she’d run at some point. But this wasn’t entirely about her fear of letting me get too close. I was distracted. I had Millie making demands on me that I knew must have been difficult for Haven to stomach. And how could I expect anyone to live through me having a baby with another woman? I had been stupid to think that it could end any other way with Haven. I had hoped the way I felt about her would shelter us from everything else. That we could ride out the storm together. I wanted to look after us both and keep our hearts safe for each other.
“Are you okay?” Beth asked as I walked through the door to our apartment. She knew me too well; there was no hiding anything from her. I’d left the office just after Haven in the hope of finding Beth at home. There was no point being at work.
“Not really.”
“What’s going on? Is it Haven?”
Why had she assumed that I would be upset about Haven? Had they spoken? Could she tell that Haven had never been mine at all?
I nodded and collapsed on the sofa. “She ended it. She doesn’t want to be an additional pressure although she needs to be my priority. Or something.” I couldn’t remember everything she’d said. The conversation with Haven seemed to be over before it began. By the time I caught my breath and had finally managed to find some words, she’d already left.
“So, you’re going to fight for her, right?” Beth asked.
Despite, or perhaps because of, what was going on with me, it was so good to see Beth. She looked great. Her eyes were bright and she seemed more relaxed at the core of her somehow. I smi
led, but shook my head. “What do you think I’ve been doing? I’ve been fighting for her every day since I met her. I can’t make her feel about me the way I do about her. It’s not mandatory. And she’s right. I can’t expect her to stand by me while another woman has my baby. Like she said, it’s not fair to her. I was a fool to think we were going to be okay.”
Beth pursed her lips. “I don’t believe this is about her lack of feeling. If anything, it’s the opposite. She sounds like she doesn’t want you to be torn between her and Millie. She’s sacrificing herself for you. Of course, if she knew Millie, Haven would realize what a lunatic Millie is and that you were a dick for ever putting your dick anywhere near her. Scratch that. If she knew Millie, Haven would think your judgment was so off, she’d walk anyway.” She elbowed me, trying to elicit a smile.
“You’re not helping. You know that, right?”
“I am too. I’m making you feel bad about yourself and that’s important because—and I’d know—you need to hit rock bottom before you can start recovery.”
I rolled my eyes and she laughed. It was good to have her back. Haven had asked whether Beth was back today. Had she been waiting for Beth to return to end things? Had she been that careful with my feelings? I didn’t know if it would be better or worse if she had. My stomach churned with the loss of her.
“So do you have a plan?” Beth asked.
“A plan?”
“Yeah, to win her back. You always have a plan. That’s what you do. You plan, you fix, you make everything better.”
I let myself consider her analysis of me. Was that who I was? I suppose it was. But this situation wasn’t fixable. Maybe Haven had been right. It wasn’t our time.