by Kelly Mahon
I would actually love to…
Perfect. How long do you think this project will take?
Well it would depend on the thickness of the yarn, but it would probably take around 70 hours. I don’t know exactly how large you are or what yarn you are using…
Will you be staying with me for the duration of the job or will you be coming and going daily?
I don’t think I could do it in one sitting, so yes I would be coming and going daily. I don’t know how you would be planning on compensating but the narrower the time frame the more I would probably have to charge just because it would kind of be exhausting to do for more than 8 hours at a time.
That’s fine. You can take your time. Is there a way for me to remain in the unfinished cocoon while you are away? Once I’m inside, I don’t want to come out until spring. I don’t want to destroy the work in progress though if I sleep or shower in it, etc.
How will you be showering in the cocoon? I just think the wool might shrink — not that it gets too tight.
I did some research and I believe soaking in hair conditioner and gently stretching the fabric can unshrink it. I’ll do this each time I bathe and dry off, so twice a day until spring. Will I be able to crawl around my apartment in my cocoon the way you are imagining it?
Hello, are you still looking for someone? Damn. We spoke a few weeks ago briefly and I honestly thought it was a joke, because this is an extremely difficult thing to do…When you were talking about showering etc. I was about to say that the wool WILL shrink no matter how much conditioner you use. I would do it but I really don’t know what you are expecting or how you expect to pull this off.
I thought the whole conditioner thing was very clever, Lori, and I was disappointed when you didn’t respond because I lost a few days in my pupa. So I want to be tightly wound into this cocoon from the outside. Is there a way to knit it around my body from the ground up (or head down) like how a caterpillar makes a cocoon around its own body. You can move in a cyclical motion around me until it is complete. Just tell me if this is possible.
It’s possible, but it will be more like a crochet than a knit. It’ll look the same though but that is the best way to do something so big.
That’s fine.
How much are you willing to spend on this because you are going to have to buy A LOT of wool and it isn’t cheap and paying someone to knit for like 30 hours will also not be cheap even at an extremely low hourly rate….
I’m willing to pay.
Tell me will this crochet be tight around my body? I can set up a harness from the ceiling and dangle from it if this will make it easier for you to work around me. Let me know if this would be helpful.
The crochet can be tight and I think the harness would be helpful…
Ok, I will install the harness from my living room ceiling and hang from my feet while you crochet. I’m thinking a third hole in addition to the two I specified in my post might be a good idea…on the side, so I can stick an arm through to do things. What do you think?
Have you hung from your feet for long periods before? It could get painful…I think the third hole is a good idea though.
And the small mouth hole for breathing/eating and the butt flap are fine I’m assuming. I have only hung from my feet once before. It was to be woven into my cocoon last winter.
Do you have photos from the last time? I would love a reference.
I don’t have any photos, I was unable to take any of myself from inside the cocoon. I tried but they all came out really dark. And then there was an incident with Gretta (the lady who wove me into my cocoon last year) so she never took any photos of me.
An “incident”?
Yeah I passed out while she was knitting me into the cocoon. She started from the bottom, so my head was covered almost immediately so she didn’t realize I was unconscious for a while. Then she thought I was dead and called 911, and they came…it was a whole thing. Anyway, do you think a pair of collapsible butterfly wings would fit inside the cocoon if I wore them on my back?
Looking for someone to help me make a racket
For the past two years I have made it my mission to create a cacophony of monstrous proportions to confuse the living hell out of my downstairs neighbors. They’re a couple of young dudes in their mid-twenties. I know they want to know what I’m doing up here because my super has mentioned it to me on multiple occasions. I’m looking for someone to join me one night this week for a few hours to make a lot of strange loud sounds through the floor. Your job will range from some light stomping to spilling bags of marbles and so on. Feel free to bring anything loud that you own.
Hi, my name is Nick and I am interested in helping you make some loud noise to screw with your downstairs neighbors.
Please let me know what you are offering and when you would like to do this, as I am available most evenings. Thank you.
Hey Nick! I would love to make this happen one night this week, maybe Thursday or Friday? Do you have any loud objects you could bring over?
Either of those nights works for me. And I have a lot of loud things. Anything specific you’re looking for?
You wouldn’t happen to have a vacuum, would you?
Actually, I do have a vacuum.
That’s awesome! Can you bring it?
Yes I can. Do you know what time you would want to do this?
Great. My apartment could really use a once over. Let’s shoot for Thursday! Anything else you could bring? Do you have a sledgehammer? I’m about to remodel my kitchen and need to tear out some cabinets.
Not a sledgehammer but a few hammers that could do the trick. I also walk with a heavy cane sometimes, I may need to bring that. And Thursday sounds great.
Let’s shelf the hammers for now—you’re not gonna believe this but I was able to get my hands on a pipe organ…you know like they play in churches?? Actually a church uptown was getting rid of an old one. The thing is so gigantic and so so loud. I need to scoop it up in the next day or two but my work schedule is nuts. Any way you think you’d be able to swing that? I can leave a spare set of keys to my apt for you at the Starbucks nearby. You can leave it basically anywhere in my living room.
I could prob get it tomorrow afternoon or Wednesday.
That is perfect. And the good news is the church isn’t too far from my apartment so I really don’t think you’d even need to rent a U-haul. You could probably just wheel it a few blocks and then use the freight elevator at my place. I can let Pastor Anthony know you’re coming.
If you’re available tomorrow, you can pick up the organ—I spoke with someone at the church. You might have to transport the pipes in pieces, but I think you can wheel the base to my apartment. I’ll leave you a key, feel free to help yourself to anything in the fridge.
Yea, I can pick it up tomorrow. I can let you know in the morning what time would be best for me.
Thanks, man.
What I didn’t account for was the length of the largest pipe, which is 32 feet. I’ll have to figure something out because my ceilings are not that high but let’s get it all into my apartment and then we can figure out if we can make a racket with just the smaller pipes. It doesn’t have to sound good, just has to be loud.
I forgot to ask, are you Catholic? I don’t think it matters to deliver the Eucharist to the altar to be honest.
Hey Nick, I never heard back. Are you able to make mass at noon? Also, would you mind bringing the vacuum for later?
Thanks dude!
Sorry, I can’t make the mass at noon. I ended up working until 4 am at my friend’s bar. I can come out later to drop off the vacuum if needed.
Great, when you get to my apartment if you could just vacuum the living room and bedrooms if you get there first, that would be awesome. And if you’re coming from downtown would you mind swinging by Equ
inox and picking up my tap shoes from my locker? I can give you the combo.
When do you want me to show up?
Is 1 AM too late? These young guys usually go out on Wednesday nights. Completely forgot. Is it cool if you grab my tappies?
Sure. So you want me to come out around 1 am tonight? I’ll bring the vacuum and grab your taps on the way over.
Is the organ already at my place?! Nick man, you move fast!
No it’s not. I thought we couldn’t get it because I wasn’t able to be at the mass today.
Oh my god, total miscommunication on my end. You still could have gone to pick it up later in the day. I have to give the pastor a call, I’m pretty sure he was waiting for you. I was really expecting to jam on the pipe organ tonight and really get those guys scratching their heads. I think we should reschedule until we can get it to my apartment. Thanks man.
I can move it tomorrow if you would like
Ok let’s do tomorrow.
Ok tomorrow it is.
Hey Nick, sorry. This week was REALLY crazy. I had the organ delivered, it just seemed easier that way. Let’s plan a night next week. Do you have any way to get your hands on a drum set? I think with me tickling the ivories and you slamming down on some percussion, we can really give these guys a show. Also, where are we with the tap shoes?
Just checking in, how are we looking for this week? I was practicing last night on the organ and one of the guys downstairs started hitting the ceiling with a broomstick. Hilarious!!!! We need to get those drums in here ASAP.
Haven’t heard from you in a few days. Swung by the gym today for my taps and they weren’t there. Did you end up getting them??
Nick? The taps!?
Need a good laugh
It’s been a really long time since I had a good laugh, so I’m looking for someone to come over to my apartment and tickle me for a while. Nothing weird, just good tickle fun. I could just really use a genuine laugh to take my mind off of things.
Hey,
My name’s Bill, and I’m a tickler. I specialize in rougher, fetishistic tickling that produces belly laughter, but I can also do a gentler tickle if that’s what you desire. Please let me know.
Hey man, for the record this is not a fetish, although a deep belly laugh sounds great right about now. Work has been tough lately and I’m just looking to blow off some steam and laugh really really hard.
Gotcha, where are you located and how much are you willing to pay?
Located downtown. Can totally discuss pay. First let’s talk logistics. I’m thinking you could go for the neck, armpits, and belly…Also, if you squeeze right above my knee, I will go completely insane laughing.
And then of course there’s the bottom of the feet, let me tell you right now, I will be screaming at the top of my lungs laughing if you go for the feet—but totally get if you’re not a foot person.
That all works for me, now I usually just use my bare hands, that works for you?
Oh absolutely but if you want to tickle my feet with a large feather that also works. My lord, does that tickle.
Well, all of my things are in storage, but if I can scoop something up on my way, I’ll keep that in mind. Do you want my number to make this easier?
Unfortunately my wife took my phone away with her for the weekend so we will have to just email. No worries, I check my email a lot.
Okay, just wanted to make sure whatever would be more convenient for you.
So what are you thinking in terms of compensation for tickle time? I’ll run something by the boss (my wife handles the finances) this afternoon.
What’s your budget?
Ok so I called my wife and after a long “discussion” it turns out that she is not willing to entertain this. She hung up on me and now she’s in a mood. Here’s what I can do…I have a gift card to Bamonte’s in Brooklyn…Best clams casino I have ever had, hands down. You can have it. And we’ll need to talk scheduling around when she’s not home. I can see a lot of laughing turning into crying if she’s around.
Hey Bill, have you given any thought to Bamonte’s? I am telling you, those clams on a half shell are to die for. I’ve had a pretty rough week at work and a tickle is sounding really good right about now.
Sorry, not at the moment. However delectable the clams may be, I can’t pay the landlord in half-shells. Maybe some other time.
Ok that’s good because I talked to the Mrs. again and Bamonte’s is off the table. Apparently my mother-in-law gave us that gift certificate so she wasn’t happy that I offered it up. She also, it appears, hid my checkbook. She hates that I’m doing this and clearly doesn’t want me to be happy. Listen, we went to Mexico a few months ago and I’m pretty sure I have some pesos hidden in a suitcase somewhere. I can try to find those for you. How does that sound? By the way don’t mention the pesos to my wife if you meet her, she doesn’t know about them.
How many pesos are we talking about? Because I’ll have to look up the exchange rate.
Ok, I was rummaging around in my closet and my wife caught me. She took the pesos. She is being so controlling. All because she doesn’t want me to pay for tickles. But will she tickle me herself? No. Would you consider tickling me like crazy in exchange for a round of beers…
I take it from your lack of response that you don’t drink. That’s cool. I’m still looking for my checkbook. There are only so many places my wife could have hid it. But in the meantime, she is heading home to her mom’s early for the holidays so I will have the apartment to enjoy to myself for a couple of days. And Bill…there is one thing she forgot to hide: the Bamonte’s gift card. The certificate is stuck to our fridge and it can be yours for a small price of tickling me half to death.
I mean, normally I wouldn’t take a round of beers off the table, but right now I want money.
Ok, let me know if you change your mind about the clams.
Animal sound impersonator needed
Looking for someone who can do animal impressions. I’m watching my friend’s pet shop for the next two weeks while he’s away. In your email, please call out which animal(s) you can best mimic of the following: African gray parrot, canary, chinchilla, guinea pig, frog, fish tank filter (constant gurgling), a mixture of rodents. Please consider all sounds they make, including fluttering and scampering around their enclosures. Serious inquiries only please, I’m on a time crunch.
Hey!
I’m super confused about what you need. I’m very good at animal sounds, but I just need to understand what you’re asking for.
My voice has been featured in dozens of animal movies.
Best wishes,
Matt
Hey Matt, this is a huge relief. I’ll explain, but can you specify which animal sounds you can make? Would be super helpful. Thx.
Alright, going off of your list:
these birds are great talkers, very loud calls. No problem.
song birds, got it. Also very sensitive to air quality.
I did some quick research for these, not too complicated, like a guinea pig but more personality.
my parents bred several kinds of guinea pigs, this was my bread and butter when I was just starting out.
I’m less comfortable with amphibians, but if you give me some direction we should be OK. (I’ll start researching right away)
I’ve never impersonated a machine, what did you have in mind?
very experienced; have you seen Ratatouille ?
This may be outside my skill set. But I know a guy.
Since I’m a union actor, I need to know what kind of gig this is. I’ve worked with animals. I do live performances, birthdays, private sessions, etc., but if this is being recorded, I need to know in advance. Let’s talk.
Ok here’s the situation. I’m watching a friend’s pet shop for the next c
ouple of weeks and like a jackass locked myself out. My friend is calling the shop every few days to check in on me and the animals.
I could record the sounds or we could just have you come in during each scheduled call to do this live. There’s usually a two hour window. Live seems better to me so we can switch up the sounds each time, I can even make you some lunch if you want. The scampering guy too, if you could let him know. That’d be great.
Hey man, so I thought this through. What a crazy situation! I’d love to help but I just don’t think I could do a convincing enough job to pull this off. It would take a few people and even then, your friend probably knows these sounds like the back of his hand.
I reached out to my sound editor friend who does this kind of stuff for a living. He said he could put together a few minutes of sound effects to play back during your phone call. Do you have any money to spare for this? Sounds like he would do it for $100.
Or for that price you could get a locksmith and maybe save the animals.
The animals will be fine, I seriously over-fed them the other night. If not, they can be replaced later in the week. But I need to buy time here. Is this sound editor guy the one who makes the scampering noises you mentioned? If so I owe you big time because no one else has been able to make those noises at all. Still need fish tank and amphibian sounds. Let me know if you have another friend. The next time I expect a call from my buddy is this Saturday. Can you fellas lend me your talents then?
So the sound editor can use sound effects to do everything you need. It’ll be a sound file you can play off your phone or some speakers, and that will sound exactly like a pet shop. I think that’s your best option. Do you have money for that?