by Kelly Mahon
That’s ok. The snakes will be slithering down the runway in their getups alone. You just have to get them there. And to answer your earlier question, I usually just let them roam around. I could maybe hire another person, but if you can handle the job alone, that would be best. Maybe a headset or clipboard would help?
I’ve only handled at most, five snakes at a time. I wouldn’t be able to handle all of them on my own. Yes, a clipboard would helpful, thanks.
Ok, the clipboard is no problem, although I’d probably want to have both my hands free for snake wrangling and costume changing myself. Are you comfortable tying little bonnets onto their heads and scarves around their necks as well? Some people are afraid.
I’m totally okay with that, not afraid of snakes. I love them. Also I have a good idea of how to hold them too. What else should I know?
While most of the outfits are thick and durable because they’re made from tube socks, others are very delicate and need to be handled with care since they are made from cut-up pantyhose.
No, I’ve never dressed up a snake because my coworkers didn’t dress up their snakes. If you would like to have a practice session to see how I would do, we can do so if there’s time.
A great way to practice leading up to the big event would be to go buy some thick rubber hosing from your local hardware store and some socks and pantyhose in various sizes. Cut the toes off the socks and just practice gliding the remaining tubes onto the hoses, being very careful as if they are live snakes in intricate sequined costumes. Another little secret is that I use the little cut-off toes to make accessories like tiny berets, scarves, and kerchiefs that you can fasten on their heads and necks.
That sounds solid. I might just try that. When is the event?
In a few weeks. And guess what!
I haven’t found anyone else to work the event with you so as of now you will be handling all of them yourself. But many of them are babies so don’t worry. I’ll be spending the next couple of weeks creating tiny runway outfits for these tiny additions.
CONGRATS! What a feat! But you will find other people to help me, right? I have experience with snakes, but that’s a lot for me.
Insane! Python babies hatched today! 74 more snakes!!!! It is a packed house over here. Maybe I can hire one other person to help you but not really sure. There are tons of babies so they will be a cinch to look after.
That’s crazy!!! Whoa!!! Please try to get another person to help me. Maybe one of my former coworkers who’s super beautiful and stylish and good with reptiles and snakes. I can ask her if she would be interested in working this event.
Again, the snakes are the only models so your friend’s beauty and style are irrelevant. I think you can handle this alone, Ellen.
I will not be able to handle that many snakes alone.
Looking for a nude model to bring to art club (male or female)
I am looking for a young and spritely nude model to come pose for my art “club.” Nothing sketchy. Ha, get it? A group of friends and I have recently taken up sketching. Usually we draw bowls of fruit or cityscapes, but this week decided to take it up a notch.
Must be fairly flexible and willing to pose with live reptiles. Minimal body hair please. We artists are very meticulous about shadowing. Please describe any moles/scars/deformities. Serious inquiries only.
Hello!
I am a 20 year old man living near NYC, and I would love to pose nude for you. I am comfortable with reptiles and just shaved all my body hair (Except legs/arms. Chest/abs/pubes are clean shaved.) When and where are you hoping to have this? What is the pay?
I hope to hear back from you soon!
Hi Jon, nice to meet you. You sound like you’d make a great practically hairless nude model. Tell me, have you worked with live animals before?
Thank you! I haven’t done a photo shoot with live animals, but I have handled animals extensively in my private life.
I am so glad to hear that you are an animal lover. That makes me feel more comfortable about putting you into an enclosure with these reptiles. All of us art club members are really excited about this session as none of us have ever drawn anything like this before.
Fantastic! So what kinds of animals, and how many? This sounds fun!
So talk me through the session. Also, what is pay like?
Yes it does!
Pete is the guy whose apartment we’ll be meeting at. When you come over, we’ll put you inside the cage with them and we’ll call out some poses to you and see how you all do. If they don’t cooperate at first, no worries…we’re prepared for that. We can do an hourly rate for pay. Will depend how long it takes us all to finish drawing you.
Sounds good to me! Sounds fun. What’s the hourly rate?
Well I haven’t actually hired a live model before so I’m not sure. You’ll be locked in this cage with two humongous lizards for a couple of hours and I think the rate would definitely depend on how creatively involved you’re willing to get. What poses are you willing to try? Is wrestling on or off the table? Will you let us strap a slab of raw meat to your body if it makes the lizards do something really interesting for us to draw?
Wrestling a Komodo is highly dangerous. Even being in the same space as them is dangerous—they have been known to attack and kill humans. Raw meat is a large no-go. Again, large dangerous lizard that kills humans. Being nude with a Komodo dragon in and of itself should call for a decently high pay rate if I’m going to be honest. Are there any safety precautions? How did you even get Komodo dragons, I thought you wanted snakes?
Pete is watching them for a friend who’s out of town picking up some exotic bird he just bought on the black market. A few of us have pet snakes but once Pete told us about the Komodo dragons we were like, screw the snakes. If you’re a real snake guy, we can maybe bring one or two of them for you to wear around your neck. To be honest, the lizards might try to eat the snakes. I don’t know a ton about Komodo dragons.
Regarding safety precautions, it sort of seems like the raw meat would be a good idea. They’d probably prefer a steak over you, don’t you think? We can also have a safe word. When you say it we’ll unlock the cage from the outside and let you out and you can 100% say it at any point.
Again, I’m unsure about the rate since it sounds like you’re not willing to do a lot of the really cool stuff. What poses do you propose? We of course want to hear what you’re thinking. Then let’s take it from there.
Make sure they’re well fed. I’m willing to pose nude with them but it’s just stupid and highly dangerous to wrestle them or taunt them with food. Putting raw meat in there will just make them hungry and will entice them to attack. I’m not trying to get injured or killed. I know a decent amount about Komodo dragons - they are NOT friendly creatures and are highly illegal to own because they’re so dangerous. They eat deer as a large part of their natural diet. I have no intention of touching or getting too close to either of them, again, because they’re super dangerous. Even being in the cage with them is pushing limits.
You’re the artist hiring a model. Make your offer.
Yeah, one of them really wants to eat Pete’s Great Dane…Pete says he’s been pressed up against the cage licking his chops for three days. Look, I don’t want you to taunt them, I want you to feed them. They’ll love you after like three or four steaks. I know I would.
Make an offer.
Will you wrestle them if they are sedated and fed….
Perhaps, yes. If they’re fully sedated and asleep then I’ll touch them and faux “wrestle.”
Oh, I was just gonna crush up some Benadryl to make them drowsy. They’ll probably still be mostly awake. Would it help if we put Pete’s dog right outside the cage as a distraction?
Again, enticing with food will instigate them. The dog is food. I am food. If you’re going to use exotic pets,
get the proper handling. If you have a strong sedative and the right price I’m in.
Again, what is your offer?
Look, I’m going to level with you. We spent most of our budget for last year on easels and graphite pencils and we haven’t paid our dues for the new year yet. We don’t have a ton of money for this. Plus, you want us to buy a bunch of drugs to sedate these things. I understand your concerns. Pete says these guys are about 190 lb each, so I get it. But he’s also taken care of them all week and still has all ten of his fingers, so how dangerous can they be. I think you’re worrying too much. We’ll scrap the steaks and the dog idea. What if you held up a mirror to them so they think you’re one of them?
I’ve asked about a dozen times. Please make an offer of an hourly rate and then we’ll continue.
Fair. We can give you 75 an hour starting once you administer the sedatives.
I got $75/hr for my last gig, a solo nude photo shoot, and $80/hr for the one before that which was another solo nude photo shoot. Since we’re using large, illegal, exotic lizards and I’ll be caged, can you make a better offer?
This is a solo nude photo shoot, it’s just you and the lizards, solo and nude.
The lizards (and cage). That’s why I’m asking you to increase your offer.
Yup naked (and alone in the cage), like I said.
Due to the added risk of catching a disease from them - even sedated - how’s 125/hr sound?
Ok, update. Pete only has one tranq dart. So one will be sedated and the other will be wide awake. Sure we can do a $125/hour rate, but we’ll have to cut our time in half. Is that cool?
So like $60?
Date and location?
Ok so we’re clear. You will come, climb into the enclosure with two wide awake 190 lb Komodo dragons. We will take away the ladder so no one can escape. You will shoot one of them with a tranquilizer dart which will take a few minutes to set in. That Komodo dragon will fall asleep. Beginning once he is asleep, you will have 30 minutes on the clock to pose with the fully conscious Komodo dragon as well as the other sleeping Komodo dragon. You will “faux” wrestle with the unconscious one, whatever that means, and playfully wrestle with the fully conscious one. We will not give you any sort of meat or dog or mirror distractions to taunt the deadly lizards with. You will figure it out and make it work for $60. We can still have a safe word. Does this all sound good?
Let’s make it $100 and I’m not stepping foot in there until it’s asleep. Make sure they’re WELL fed.
Hey, sorry for the delay but there’s been a slight change of plans. Rescheduling. Pete was feeding the dragons this afternoon and there was a small mishap. No worries, we think he’s going to be fine, but he definitely can’t host this weekend. New date TBD, I’ll keep you in the loop.
Need a date for company holiday party
Long story short, I told a little white lie a couple of years back at a work event about a guy I was seeing. It felt harmless at the time, but since then the little lie has sort of spiraled and now I’m in too deep. I’ve run out of excuses as to why this dream man can’t attend my work functions and everybody thinks we’re newly engaged at this point. So I’m looking for someone to play my fiancé at this year’s holiday party. It’s in a few weeks so you’ll have some time to prep. There is a lot to know.
Fill me in. I’ll provide the service. Sell the dream to your coworkers.
Great. I’m freaking out at this point. Do you think you’ll be able to convincingly meet 200 people as my fiancé? You need to be up for a bit of acting. And I need to know you’ll be good on your toes.
Alright, I’ll try to break this down in questions to hit main points in case they ask. I don’t drink so I can stay on my toes as I cater to you. Now the key is not to be too PDA with it if we’ve been together for a long time. I’ll cater to you as a gentleman would but it’s also important to know how you built this fiancé and meet those expectations. This will be fun.
Name, birthday, favorite food and drink?
Where and how did we meet?
Who at the party do we “know”?
How long have you been working at this company?
Who are your closest coworkers?
Do you have a ring?
When is the wedding date?
Anything else I should know, fill me in. Looking forward to this.
My best,
Paul
Your attention to detail is impressive. I’m starting to feel a little better about my lies. Here we go…
My name is Maya, my birthday is September 14. I love cheese a lot, but I also love a good juice cleanse. I’m gonna go ahead and count juice cleansing as eating, so my favorite drink is a gin martini. Funnily enough, gin martinis are what got me into this mess.
We met at a bar in Paris.
We know mostly everyone at the firm as my father is a partner and also thinks you’re real—FYI. I know this is completely insane. We should try to avoid him as much as possible but I have no doubt that he’ll pull you aside at some point so be prepared for that.
I’ve been at the company for five years.
The coworkers I’m closest to are Alison and John. Only Alison knows you’re not real and she thinks it’s hilarious. She may try to throw us some curve balls for her own amusement so you should probably try to avoid her too. This is actually a legitimate concern of mine.
Yes, I bought myself a diamond ring. It’s beautiful, please hold your judgement.
The wedding is next fall, we don’t have a date yet because we can’t decide on a New York or a Paris wedding. I think either will be beautiful.
You definitely went for the hail mary with this one. As I read this I found it incredibly funny but insane at the same time. I get it, I’ve definitely dragged out a few white lies, but Mount Kilimanjaro? A bar in Paris at least makes sense. But proposing up there, I’m not even physically fit! LMAO, but let’s run with it. Tell Alison not to OD lol.
I know, I know. I’m really just thankful that you’re amused by this to be honest…
OK, When is the company party?
What date did we meet? and the name of the bar?
What’s your father’s name and the name of the company?
What are things you do constantly at home that your dad would know about?
Word for word tell me how you told the story of this proposal. I’ll try to deflect everyone because it’s still a party and will make it more fun than have convo but am definitely aware of what’s coming.
My main concern is your dad and having that convo with him as to why I didn’t ask him for your hand in marriage. lol
Luckily I have friends from Tanzania so we can run with the Mt. Kilimanjaro trip.
Do you have a picture you can send?
The company party is next Thursday, so we’re getting close. I think my chest will be tight until then.
We met in early November of 2013. It was the wee hours so it could have been Nov. 7 or Nov. 8. You were so caught up dancing and falling in love with me, you didn’t think to check the time.
Honestly, I’d feel more comfortable telling you my father’s full name and the name of the firm closer to the date, but I will tell you that his first name is Joseph and it is a legal firm based out of Manhattan.
I didn’t tell the proposal story in too much detail. I really just said that we got to the top of the mountain on our trek and you surprised me. Our guide was in on it and took photos on your phone, which you then lost on that same trip. Such a bummer. Feel free to add any details to the story that you want. I’ll act like I love hearing you tell the story every time.
As for my dad, we can avoid him for as long as possible, but he’s definitely going to want to know why it’s the first time you’re meeting and why you didn’t ask for my hand. I haven’t quite worked that out yet so give it some thou
ght.
And finally, just google Mount Kilimanjaro and a ton of photos will come up.
Oh damn I had no idea I was French. We’re definitely scrapping that part. I’m a cinematographer that worked on a shoot and had a night off to where we met at the bar in (whatever city in France you were in) I’m usually traveling a lot on shoots so I never had the opportunity to meet him nor ask for your hand in marriage. That’ll give you some leeway and no one will ask much after that.
I already looked up Mt Kilimanjaro so we’re solid on that. Now for the personal stuff if you don’t mind…
Were you with anyone on this Paris trip?
What do you like to dance to?
You’re stuck on an island and only have 5 albums you cherish with you. What albums are they?
What’s your favorite past time?
What got you into law?
What are you aspiring to become?
If you have any questions please feel free to ask. They may quiz you too lol
Please send me a picture
Oh my god. I love that idea about your being a cinematographer, but I actually told them you’re a cardiothoracic surgeon and you were attending med school in Paris when we met.
Now to answer your questions…
Let’s be honest, there was no Paris trip. It was another lie.
There won’t be much dancing at this party so I wouldn’t worry about it.
Why am I stuck on an island with five albums? Does this mean my phone is working? I’m likely not listening to music, I’m trying to get a Wifi signal so that I can phone authorities.
If my colleagues ask, my favorite pastimes are cycling classes and painting.