by Kelly Mahon
Hi Sam, thanks so much for your email. I have a bunch of things I’m willing to trade. Admittedly I have a quite sizable collection of Ty beanie babies I’m looking to unload. I think some of them could be worth something. My kitchen is totally bare. Pots and pans sound great, but do you have any kitchen appliances like a blender, mixer, anything like that?
I might have a blender, but do you have other things besides beanie babies to trade for it? I don’t really have a need for them…
I have about three hundred of these so I’m really looking to make some trades here. There has to be something in my collection that you would like. Have a favorite animal? I even have some special edition ones like the millennium bear and Princess Di. They are in mint condition. Plus, they’re really cute and would look great on a shelf in your living room or on your bed. These are rare collectibles, so while you may not think you have a need for them, they are really adding value to your home. Let me know what you think. Otherwise I can look around for some more stuff I have to trade.
PS - I will definitely take that blender.
Happy to trade a blender but do you have anything else? Any furniture or art? I might also have a coffee maker in storage if you want to trade for it.
Yes! I actually have a few little teddy-bear-sized benches and chairs I think I could part with. I used to pose some of my favorite beanies on them when I lived in my mom’s house. I’ll even throw in a beanie baby with each piece of furniture.
How does this trade sound to you:
1 Blender in exchange for 1 Blue chair + Ewey the Lamb (he fits perfectly in it)
1 Coffee maker in exchange for 1 Yellow mini wicker bench + Claude the Crab (he kind of takes up the whole bench)
Also have a number of clear display cases you can keep them in so they don’t collect dust, if those interest you.
Ok, again, I don’t want anything beanie baby related. Adult-sized furniture only.
If you don’t want the blender or coffee maker just say so. I don’t have time to negotiate in worthless stuffed animals.
More like priceless stuffed animals, but I hear you loud and clear.
You mentioned you were looking for some art? I actually commissioned a few oil paintings a few years ago that are beautiful and one of a kind that I might be willing to trade. How new are these appliances, if you don’t mind my asking?
They’re probably 4 or 5 years old. What is the oil painting of?
These are gorgeous oil paintings, let me tell you. One is a majestic underwater ocean scene of Coral. The other is a beautiful mountainous scene of Canyon. I am willing to barter both for those kitchen appliances. I was up until midnight last night looking up smoothie recipes.
Oh great they’re of scenery? That would definitely be something I’d be interested in. Could you possibly send me a picture of them?
Yes! I had them painted of two of my favorite beanies at the time, Coral the fish and Canyon the cougar. They are painted in beautiful nature settings and the artist even included their Ty beanie baby tags in their ears. Such detail, it’s incredible. As much as I love these pieces, don’t worry, I’m definitely willing to trade them for the two items we talked about. Question: does the coffee maker come with filters? If you could throw those in that would be great.
So how do you want to get these items to each other? I can have the art packed up tonight.
Wait, the paintings are OF beanie babies??? Are you serious??
I told you I didn’t want them. I definitely don’t want paintings of them.
They are set in nature, like I said when I originally described them, but I get it, you hate animals. I did a bit of digging and I found some other things I could trade you.
Of course I like animals - just real ones. Not beanie babies. What did you find?
You drive a hard bargain but I really have my heart set on that blender.
I have a tabby cat named Sphinx that I would be willing to trade you in exchange for the two items we discussed. I think that’s more than fair seeing as he is my pet. It was getting to be a little expensive having a pet in the city anyway and I trust you’ll give him a good home since you claim to love real animals so much. I can send his litter box and scratching post as well since I will no longer be needing those. Since I’m throwing in all this extra stuff, is there a way you could sweeten the pot for me too? Do you have a microwave or toaster oven?
This is your actual live cat??? For a blender? Is this a beanie baby again?
Ok, I’m a little confused here. Do you want a live animal or not? If it’s a beanie baby you want, then please just tell me which one. There are several cats. There is Chip and Flip and Nip and Snip and Scat and Pounce and Prance and so on. Please be specific.
I don’t want a live cat OR a beanie baby cat. I’m starting to think you don’t have any items that I would want.
All of that back and forth and now you want to call the entire thing off? Did you ever intend to trade me that blender at all or were you just wasting my time from the beginning? I could have stocked up my entire kitchen by now.
You have to be kidding me. I have actual items…you have beanie babies…and you are mad at me?
I’m not mad. I’m disappointed.
I don’t want your cat, I don’t want your beanie babies, and I don’t want your oil paintings.
Ok does that mean you still may be interested in the clear display cases I mentioned earlier? They are not just for beanie babies, you can display anything you want in them…a signed baseball, some seashells, beanie babies…haha just kidding about the beanie babies.
No. Sorry I even responded to this ad. An unbelievable waste of time…
Looking for actor to play dead
I have a date this weekend and I’m looking for someone to come play dead in my apartment. All you should need is some makeup and a sheet to be a believable dead person. I’m not a necrophile or anything like that, so no reason to be freaked out. It’s just a fantasy of mine to get sexy in the presence of a cadaver, so all you have to do is lie nearby to set the mood. It’s roleplay really. If things go really well, there’s a possibility you could be here kinda late. Just lie still until my date and I fall asleep—then you can collect your pay and let yourself out.
Salutations!
I’m a freelance actor with an interesting face and I’ve appeared in a variety of films, TV shows, commercials, webseries, and music videos. I’ve got lots of experience with comedic and dramatic improv, performance art, pranks, viral videos, etc. Perhaps I’d be a good fit for your unique project. Please find photos and resume attached.
That’s great. Just a few questions. Have you ever played a corpse before? About how long would you say you could go without blinking? Would you mind timing yourself? We could probably go eyes shut if this ends up being an issue.
Thanks for reaching out! Funny you should ask—I’ve played a corpse several times, most notably as the “corpse of the week” on a CBS crime drama last season and in a Korean gangster film. I’ve attached photos of both “performances.” I can go about 30 seconds without blinking, but depending on the lighting in the room, it might be best to keep my eyes shut.
Nice, I love that show. Sometimes I watch those crime dramas to get myself hyped up for a date. Something about the stillness of the victims just puts me at ease.
Sorry but I have to ask, will you be able to stay in character during the aggressive love-making? Just want to make sure nothing breaks the mood.
Haha I can definitely stay in character, it would take an earthquake to move me.
We’ll probably want you within about 6-10 ft of us so we can see you the whole time.
Haha gotcha! How long do you reckon that the lovemaking will go on? Of course I realize that may be hard to say in advance. :) And how much would the compensation be for the role? Thanks and cheers
I love pancakes but I love cash more;) I could do $100/hr with a 2 hour minimum. Let me know your thoughts. Thanks and cheers
Let’s go with the pancakes for the first hour and 100/hr for the rest of the night.
I’d have to count on the $100/hr, any pancakes would be incidental and much appreciated. :)
Fred, I’m gonna have to put my foot down here and ask that if I’m paying you $100 an hour that you keep your eyes open like a real dead person.
Haha fair enough! Of course I’ll have to blink but I can make it quick and almost imperceptible. When are you trying to make this happen?
I’m pretty nervous that the blinking might be too obvious and kill the mood. Can you use this week to practice not blinking? Here is a wiki-how I found that might help:
http://www.wikihow.com/Win-a-Staring-Contest
Hype man needed to boost my confidence before meetings
I’ve found recently that the more responsibility I’m handed at work, the more the pressure is slowly killing me from within. Last week I child-posed under my desk for an hour before bombing a presentation because I’m a juggernaut of insecurity and self doubt. I need a hype man to come give me the validation I need to succeed. “Hell yeah!”s and “That’s right!”s. “You were born for this” is a good one. Don’t be afraid to really get up in my face. Perhaps ask if various cities are in the house. I dunno. Put your own spin on it. Just get me amped up enough to go into my meeting and really kill it. No CV necessary, you just need to show me you can get me hyped.
I’ll be your hypeman
I have literal goosebumps. You sound like just the guy for this job. I’ve tried everything short of a hype man and I’m really hoping this works. Do you mind giving me a little taste of how you will pump me up?
I’d hype you up by giving you a pep talk about how we are all mortal and YOLO is the way of life.
Would you massage my shoulders while you tell me that as if I am about to go into the ring and fight?
EXACTLY LIKE THAT! You got some high standards. I like it.
Would you yell some stuff directly into my face to get me excited, like maybe something like…
YOU DA MAN! YOU DA BOSS! GO AND GET IT! YOU GOT THIS! GET IN THAT BOARDROOM AND KNOCK EM DEAD! YOU IN THE BUILDING!
YOU ON THE BLOCK! YOU OWN THE MOTHERF*CKIN BLOCK!!!!!…I don’t know maybe that’s stupid.
Absolutely.
NEW YORK IN DA HOUSE!!
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! ITS YOUR TIME!
GO OUT THERE AND GET WHAT YOU WANT!
DON’T LET ANYTHING GET IN YOUR WAY!
And many more…
Ok that’s more like it because for a little while there it felt like I was doing a lot of the leg work. I am very scared of leopards so please just keep that in mind when you’re yelling the names of large cats at me. I have a huge meeting this Thursday afternoon. Would you please come to my office before to hype me up in person?
Yes, I understand and will take in consideration your large cat phobia. You shouldn’t be doing the leg work…Only leg work you need to worry about is ass kicking. I actually leave tomorrow for Florida.
Of course you do. I am not meant for success. I might as well move to Africa and get eaten by a leopard.
Kyle, if you have not boarded your flight yet can you please send some motivation my way to get me pumped up. My boss would like to “have a word with me” this afternoon. I don’t know what it’s about, and I am under my desk crying.
Please get in-flight wi-fi if you can. Thank you.
Oh man I just landed! How did it go?
Horrrbylly. He told me I need to step up my performances or else. I’m at the bar…..why didn’t you get the wifi??
What song should I put on the jubekox
Kyle, send me your flight info, I want to get you onto a return flight that has wifi in case I need to get a hold of you.
Hey man where are you?
Calling off the search party man. Where have you been? I have a meeting in 30 min, could you swing by for a few???
I’m in Orlando.
Well, my meeting went horribly. You have not said a single motivational thing in days. What are we doing here Kyle? I’ll be quivering under my desk if you’re looking for me, which I doubt you will be, because you obviously don’t care whether I keep my job or not.
Seriously, Kyle?
Thank you:
To my family for encouraging this sort of behavior, and for pretty much everything else.
To my editor, Rick, for guiding me through this thing from start to finish, and to the whole Quirk team for making this happen.
To my amazing and funny friends who inspired me, pushed me, and made me laugh along the way.
Most of all, to the people on the other side of these emails. Thank you for the banter.
Kelly Mahon is an advertising copywriter based in New York City. She’s a graduate of Fairfield University and Miami Ad School. This is her first book.
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