Why? I always wanted them to like me, against my better judgment. This heady new-relationship tension, it was incredible, an erotic shot in the arm. And she was simply spectacular, everything I loved in a woman. Petite. Pretty. Complicated. Sassy, although she tried to subdue it. And scared, although she pretended to be self-assured.
Best of all, she wasn’t a pain whore. She wasn’t even a masochist. She was afraid of pain. When she’d made that little confession in the meeting, I’d almost come in my pants. It was luck, sheer luck, that Kyle had found her. I’d sent him out with the usual general instructions. Find a small, reserved submissive with nice, real tits and a spectacular ass. Make sure she does it all, takes punishment, does oral, and accepts anal with adequate skill.
But uncovering a true submissive versus a self-occupied pain whore—Kyle wouldn’t have had the knowledge and experience to judge it. Even I couldn’t intuit it sometimes until it was too late. My last girl had turned out to be the worst kind of self-involved submissive, and I’d put up with her because it seemed easier than starting over again.
But Nell wasn’t like her. She wasn’t one of the ones who actually wanted to be hurt, who craved it, who could be absolutely spoiled by it. She was one of the ones who feared the pain.
The ones who liked it could be depended on to fake the requisite fear and distress, usually badly, but the ones who feared it and submitted to it anyway were rare and wonderful to possess. So she didn’t want the cane, she couldn’t take it. I could live with that for now, just to have everything else she offered.
Little Nell. She was little all right. Little and curvy and sexy, and as complicated as the academics she pursued. Comparative cultural mythology? I hadn’t known whether to laugh or stare. I’d laughed, but at the same time, her hidden intellectual streak fascinated me. As did her ass.
“How is it?” I asked her, gesturing to the barely touched entrée in front of her, some kind of baked Italian chicken with green beans on the side.
“It’s delicious,” she murmured.
“You should eat more of it, then.”
She picked up her fork.
“If you want to,” I amended. God forbid I’d force her to eat. I’d force her to do many things, yes, by agreement, but I really didn’t care to control everything about her like some doms would. She didn’t know that yet, but she would eventually figure it out. She put her fork down and sneaked a look at me. So nervous.
I’d ordered chicken parmigiana myself, just to make her smile, and she had smiled. Not quite the real smile I’d hoped for, though. She was still so guarded, and perhaps she was tired. It had been a long day of trials and tribulations for poor Nell. I didn’t think I could leave her alone tonight either, so her day wasn’t nearly through.
But perhaps I would leave her alone. It would be the kind thing to do. And possibly a savvy thing to do as her new dom. Let her know that she was so mine that I didn’t have to fall on her right away, that I could make her wait for me, at my beck and call.
I did, though, desperately want to fall on her. I didn’t think I could wait.
“You look lovely,” I said, stroking the stem of my wineglass. “How do you feel?”
She looked at me briefly, then shrugged.
“Don’t shrug, please. Answer. If we were really on a date, you wouldn’t act this way. Like this is your last meal before you go before a firing squad.”
She fidgeted and attempted another smile, this one not at all real.
“Does your ass hurt, darling?”
That finally brought a true laugh. She’d been a pleasure to paddle, and a pleasure to watch as she’d sucked off Martin too. I’d almost given her to Kyle just for a replay, but by the time I’d watched that I would have had to take her myself, and I didn’t want to do that yet.
And she hadn’t lied—she’d really struggled with the paddling. Her pained reactions hadn’t been faked. It had been a test of sorts, and she’d passed it. She didn’t crave it, being punished. For her, it really did hurt.
But she’d become aroused by our little scene, that had been obvious. I was fairly certain she got off on being exposed, bent over, spread, studied, stared at. She would get plenty of that kind of exposure at my hands, both mentally and physically.
She’d get exposure of an entirely different kind also, for better or worse. As we’d entered the restaurant, the paparazzi had snapped our photograph like sharks fighting over chum. I’d purposely brought her to one of the paparazzi’s favorite Hollywood haunts to introduce her as my new love, my new girlfriend. Jeremy Gray having a new love interest was a tabloid cover item, and great PR for me.
I’m not sure why I did things this way, why I didn’t just find a real girlfriend, maintain a true relationship. It probably involved issues like time, stress, selfishness, and basic shallow tendencies. And probably, even deeper than that, basic mind-numbing, bloodcurdling fear. Fake relationships were easier and less potentially devastating. Emotional entanglements were just far too stressful for me.
The upside of fake relationships was that they could be arranged to be everything you want and desire, and none of the things you don’t. The downside was that the fake girlfriends always left.
I looked at Nell. How long until you leave me? I hoped she would at least last until the end of the upcoming shoot, because it would be a long, complicated, grueling one, and I didn’t want to slog through it alone. I grasped for some topic of conversation, something to put her at ease.
“Your name—it’s unusual.”
“Is it?” She shrugged. “It’s not my real name.”
I don’t know why I found that so alarming. I waited for her to elaborate. She didn’t.
“So what is your real name?”
“I mean, Nell’s my name, but it’s just a nickname. I don’t like my real name, and I don’t particularly want to share it.” That frown again. Damn. Subject change.
“Have you traveled much?”
“No, not much. Now and again.”
“I’d be happy to help with anything you’ll need for the trip. We can shop tomorrow or Sunday. Just let me know.”
“I… What…what will I need?”
“Do you have an MP3 player to listen to on the plane? A laptop? Books to read? You’ll be spending a lot more time on your own than you probably suspect.”
“Oh.”
“And you’ll need comfortable clothes for traveling, nothing too high maintenance. Some of the flights will be long. And you’ll need some high-quality, really durable luggage,” I added as an afterthought, remembering her well-worn suitcases from the stairwell.
“Where will we be going?”
“Thailand, for starters. That’s a ridiculously long flight. From there we’ll go to Turkey, Bulgaria, a month and a half in Portugal, and then Italy and Greece, I believe. It’s an action flick, lots of chasing bad guys around the globe, past striking and recognizable points of interest.”
“All in a day’s work.”
“Yes. And there will be some very, very long days, for me and for you too. But you might enjoy traveling to these locations if you’re into history and mythology and all that. If there’s anything you’d like to do or see while we’re traveling, just let me know, and I can try to make it happen. I can’t always, but sometimes I can.”
Why was I trying so hard to win her over?
“Anyway, whatever you need, just tell me.”
She shifted again. Ah, the sore-bottomed submissive, so fun to watch. She looked up at me with wide green eyes.
“I’m not sure—I’m a little worried about what to wear.”
I shrugged. “You can wear jeans and T-shirts most of the time, if you like. As long as they’re tight, and you’re naked underneath.”
No response.
“It was a joke, Nell. Wear what you like. Whatever makes you feel comfortable and sexy. If I don’t like it, I’ll tell you to change.”
“I just don’t want to reflect badly on you. Will they be taking
our picture like that all the time?”
“Yes, pretty much. You can’t get obsessed about it, though. You just have to be yourself. Let your beauty and personal style be your sword and your shield, and take the cameras for what they are, an intrusion of privacy and an irritant of the business. They will get on your nerves, and trust me, the gossip sites will say unflattering things about you. You have to ignore it. You have to blow it off.”
“This is all just so new.”
“I know you’re worried, but I also know you’ll do fine. It’s good that we’ve already started. The sooner you’re used to things, the sooner you’ll settle down.” I reached out to run my fingertips down the side of her face. “You’re skittish now, but you’ll be a jaded, world-weary traveler in no time.”
“Like you?”
“Like me. I’m incredibly jaded. Jaded enough to hire a girlfriend to go with me, instead of finding a real one.”
“I suppose relationships rarely survive travel anyway.”
“So you know more about travel than you’re letting on.” I laughed. “Yes, there will be tedious and difficult times, just like in a real relationship. But you are a very, very wise woman, because you’ll be getting paid to put up with the stress.”
She smiled and dropped her gaze to her plate, then looked around. Anywhere but at me. It always took time for the girls to get over the money thing, to get over being paid. I hoped Nell might be different. She was the first one I’d hired who was already a professional. But I understood the difference between being paid for actual sex and just being paid for work. Believe me, Nell. I get it, but it has to be this way.
I leaned forward across the table then and looked right at her. “Tell me about your thing with canes.”
“What about them? I already told you how I felt.”
“When did you decide it, though? You know. ‘No more canes.’”
I already noticed the way her lips tightened when she was annoyed and trying to hide it, the way her gaze moved around the room when she was upset. I was an actor. I was a master of reading expressions.
“What happened to you?”
“Nothing happened. I got caned. I didn’t like it. It fucking hurt. Have you ever been caned?”
There she was, the sassy girl lurking beneath the surface.
“No, I can’t say I have, and I hope never to be.” I took another leisurely sip of wine. “I guess you’ve had just about everything happen to you in your line of work. Was that the worst, the experience with the cane?”
“I suppose. Yes. It was one of the worst experiences, but it didn’t happen to me at work.”
“Your first experience?”
“No.”
I looked at her. That annoyed purse of the lips again. “We’re going to be spending a lot of time together, Nell. You might tell me a little something candid about yourself. Was it one of your first experiences?”
“Yes.”
I leaned my head on my hand, watching her avoid my gaze.
“You don’t even have that much experience, do you? Aside from the sanitized play at the club. How many serious Dom/sub relationships have you had?”
She sighed and looked up at me. “Not very many. You got me, okay. I’m far from experienced at all this. I’ve had a few short relationships with dominant partners, but they never lasted long.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know,” she said to her hands in her lap.
“Listen to me. Look at me, right in my eyes.”
She did, and I put on my best reassuring-dominant voice.
“You’re exactly what I want, and you’re going to please me. I want you to stop worrying about everything, right now. Do you understand?”
She nodded, but her eyes were still clouded by doubt.
“Are you ready to go home?” I sat back and signaled for the check. “I think it’s best if we got our first private scene out of the way, don’t you?”
I could barely hear her whispered “yes.”
*
By the time we left the restaurant, the paparazzi had grown to swarmlike proportions. She drew back as the doorman opened the door and the mob started to shout and jockey for shots. I took her by the elbow and led her through the crush of bodies and blinding flashes to the waiting car. Inside, as the door shut on the noisy melee, she hugged herself and shrank down in her seat.
“They’re crazy,” she said.
“They’re thieves.”
“Thieves? What do they steal?”
“Privacy. I’m sorry you have to deal with it, but it will get easier. I’ll protect you from them as much as I can.”
I looked over at her, guarded and freaked out and forlorn, hunched against the door.
“Give me your hand.”
I took her hand and drew it to my mouth, and brushed my lips across the soft skin there. We drove home in silence, and I noticed more than once that she stifled yawns.
You shouldn’t use her tonight, my conscience chided.
But I would.
I couldn’t wait. I absolutely couldn’t wait to touch her, to possess her, to make her my own. At the house, I guided her through the foyer and stopped with her at the foot of the stairs. The house was dark and quiet.
“Do you have anything sexy to wear in off-white, ivory, beige, something like that?” I asked. “Not pure white. I hate pure white. It looks cheap.”
“Yes, Sir,” she said, then quickly amended her response at the look on my face. “Yes, Jeremy.”
I’d told her I would beat it out of her, and she remembered, because her face went pale.
“I believe this is the second time I’m having to remind you not to call me that. As stated in the contract, you’re not to use that form of address. It will only take one slip in public at the wrong time and place.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Furthermore, ‘Please, Master’ and ‘Please, Sir’ are our agreed-upon safe words, which makes your constant use of ‘Sir’ even more annoying.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“I’m so sorry, Jeremy.”
She only stared back, wide-eyed, too afraid now to say anything for fear of saying it wrong.
“I’ll ask once again and hope for the correct reply this time. Do you have anything sexy to wear in off-white or ivory?”
“Yes, Jeremy,” she said.
“Go put it on now, and have Bonita show you to my room when you’re finished. If you take more than five minutes, I’ll double the number of strokes you’ve earned for addressing me incorrectly.”
“Yes, Jeremy.”
I went into the kitchen for a quick drink, pretending not to notice the way she took off running up the stairs. Not precisely good form, but it was her first day and it had been a long one, so I let it go. I poured myself a shot of vodka and downed it. I wasn’t much of a drinker, but some situations called for a drink, like being alone with a submissive for the first time when you thought you might kill her from the force and intensity of your lust.
I looked at my watch. What time had I sent her upstairs to dress? Ah well, she would be there within five minutes no matter what. A sub as pain-reluctant as Nell wouldn’t double her punishment if there was any possible way to avoid it. And Bonita would help her, softhearted woman that she was. I started up the stairs to my bedroom, to gather the things I would need for the introductory scene I had in mind.
I wanted to discipline her again, had thought about it all through dinner, but then convinced myself it was too much too soon. But her lapse of address had allowed the weaker, selfish side of me to change my mind. I pulled a crop out of the closet, not unlike the one I’d cautioned Martin against using earlier in the day. Some nipple clamps, rather strict ones, and a length of thin black leather. A condom. I placed them all in a line on the table at the foot of the bed and started to undress. I loosened my tie and took it off, unbuttoned the top buttons of my shirt, kicked off my shoes and socks, undid my belt and hung it in the closet next to the others. Whe
n I returned to the bedroom, she was at the door.
“Come in. Come stand here.” I pointed to a spot on the floor purposely near the end table where the implements lay. I looked her up and down as I turned up my sleeves. It was impossible to keep the approval from my expression. I didn’t try. As I’d suspected, the ivory corset and stockings she wore set off her bright auburn curls and pale skin perfectly, and she had beautiful, understated matching satin ivory stilettos on her feet. The corset was pretty and old-fashioned and expensive-looking, with some satiny ties and muted soft lace. Exactly the classy sort of slutwear I liked best.
I was going to buy her a hundred negligee sets in ivory. Later. First things first. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to put my hands on her. I took her in my arms and gathered her close. I cupped her ass lightly, then squeezed it hard. She tensed a little, and she was deliciously shivery. I put one hand on the back of her neck to gentle her, to guide her lips to mine. I kissed her hard and thoroughly, testing her reactions. I was thrilled to feel her responsiveness and hear her soft sighs. I loved the way submissives kissed, so restrained on the surface, and yet so passionate underneath. By the end I had her hands pinned firmly behind her back in lovely little fists.
“Turn around,” I said quietly. She turned and waited, her lovely ass outlined by the corset and garter laces. At the sight of it, the burgeoning erection in my pants achieved full mast. Jesus. I picked up the black leather string and wound it around her wrists carefully. Not too tight, but tightly enough for her to feel it, securely enough for her to feel restrained. I kissed her nape, then licked her upper back and that lovely curve where her neck met her shoulders. I wanted to eat her alive.
“You’re mine,” I whispered next to her pale, perfect earlobe.
“Yes, Jeremy,” she responded, almost too softly to hear.
I snapped my fingers once, and she dropped to her knees. I snapped again, and she lowered her whole body gracefully forward on the floor. A light nudge on the inside of one ankle and she spread her legs wider, balancing carefully with her hands still bound behind her back.
“Arch just a little more,” I said. “There, just like that. You will hold this pose for ten strokes of the crop. If you remain silent and still, you’ll only receive five beyond that. If you fidget and scream, you’ll receive another ten.”
Make Me: Twelve Tales of Dark Desire Page 165