by Sean Cullen
59 A pedestal is a short pillar upon which one might display a piece of sculpture or statuary. It looks like a stubby little pillar, but it is not, technically, a pillar at all. To call a pedestal a pillar would be utter madness. A pedestal is also definitely not a plinth, which is the stone block that supports the bottom of a pillar or pedestal. I would like to thank the Plinth, Pedestal, and Pillar Enthusiasts Society for its help in creating this footnote.
60 The abdomen is the region of the human body directly below the ribs and above the thighs. Lots of interesting organs are stuffed in the abdomen, including the stomach, the intestines, and the pancreas. I love the word pancreas. I’m not sure I know what the pancreas does … but I love it anyway.
61 Coalesce is a combination form of the words coal and fluoresce. Coal miners in Pennsylvania in the 1930s would become so blackened with coal dust that they were invisible to one another. Many dangerous accidental collisions led the miners to smear themselves with fluorescent or glowing paint so that they would be visible in the darkness. People would shout, “Hey, look! The coal miners are fluorescing!” That was shortened to “Look! They’re coalescing.” Now coalesce is synonymous with something seeming to solidify out of thin air. What does synonymous mean? Go look it up!
62 You may say, “Of course they look lethal. All rifles are lethal.” How wrong you are. There are some rifles that fire tranquilizers and some fire rubber pellets that stun rather than kill. There are also rifles that fire tiny cream pies and are used exclusively by the Clown Armies of Central Nepal.
63 Falsehood is an interesting word. It comes from the Middle Ages when monks, if they were found guilty of lying, were forced to wear a bright red hood or “falsehood” so that everyone in the community would be aware of their guilt. Other transgressions had particular articles of clothing associated as punishments. Thieves were forced to wear bright green gloves. Chronic bedwetters wore bright yellow pants. Nose-pickers wore orange socks … on their noses. This kind of punishment was very effective until monks started to gain some fashion sense in the early Renaissance and took to committing all the transgressions so they could flounce around in colourful outfits.
64 There are truly no ships in the desert. There wouldn’t be much point, would there? However, camels are known as the “ships of the desert” because of their capacity to carry heavy loads over long distances while requiring very little in the way of food or water. Animals are often characterized as vehicles in many cultures. The Belgians call ponies the “taxicabs of the pasture” and the people of India are known to call cows the “milk trucks of the jungle.” I myself call squirrels the “roller skates of the forest,” but I am completely alone in that.
65 Bedouins are a nation of nomadic peoples who roam the deserts from Saudi Arabia to the Western Sahara. They have a number of different linguistic groups and tribal divisions, but they constitute one single ethnic entity. The name Bedouin is shrouded in mystery, although some have said it comes from an ancient practice that saw tribal leaders, or “sheiks” as they are called, betting against one another on horse races. Sometimes these sheiks were compulsive gamblers, betting all their wealth on the outcome of a single race. When they had lost everything, they would be left only with the carpets they slept on, and some would even bet these, saying, for example, “I’ll bet my bed on the black horse to win.” Which was often shortened to “Bed to win!” And shortened still more to “Bedouin.” But this may just be a long, amusing story that has no basis in historical fact.
66 Hamish X is right: tattoos are forever. I have never been tattooed because I have very beautiful, soft, pale skin that is completely without blemish. I wouldn’t mar such perfection with an anchor or a flaming snake or a raging otter or what have you. I knew a man in Turkey who got a tattoo of a moustache on his upper lip. Utterly foolish. He grew a moustache on top of his moustache tattoo and was arrested because the intensity of his double moustache drove ducks insane. The Turks have some strange ideas, but they are very loyal to their duck population.
67 Mercenaries are soldiers who are paid to fight. Soldiers who fight for a country’s army usually do it for political reasons, to further the cause of their nation or defend it in times of war. Mercenaries are professional soldiers who sell their services to the highest bidder. Some mercenaries have been known to fight for food coupons, but they are very unsuccessful mercenaries for the most part. I once heard of a mercenary who fought for a sandwich, but he was very, very hungry at the time.
68 Via is a Latin word that means “by way of.” Example: I entered the house via the door. Or I’m going to New York via Washington. One wonders why we don’t all still speak Latin because it seems to have a shorter way of saying most things.
69 A fruitless search: the expression comes from the ancient Greek tradition of rewarding children with a piece of fruit whenever they managed to find their way through a maze constructed by the city elders. The tradition was designed to improve children’s sense of direction, to occupy the children for a while so their parents could get some work done, and to get rid of excess fruit. A child who didn’t find his or her way through the maze received no fruit and therefore their search had been fruitless.
70 Molasses is raw, unrefined sugar in the form of thick black syrup that is delicious on pancakes. If spread all over one’s body, it is very effective at deterring weasels and preserving body heat. Don’t ask me how I know that … I just do. Go back to the story.
71 Divulge is a fancy word for tell. Divulging, however, is worse than just telling. Only secrets can be divulged. Next time someone tells one of your secrets, point at them and shout, “Divulger!” They will be confused. You will gain the respect of dictionary writers everywhere.
72 Mimi is referring to the unwritten law that all ships are considered female. No one knows the origin of this tradition, but it is strictly adhered to. All ships are called she. What is less well known is that all buses are called he and all airplanes are called Mr. Wiggly. I have yet to have anyone fully explain the reason for this.
73 Sabotage is an interesting word. It comes from France. Peasants in the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries wore wooden clogs called “sabots.” When landowners began to introduce machines that threatened to put the peasants out of work, the peasants would toss their wooden sabots into the machinery to foul the works. Hence, sabotage. Goodness knows I’ve been tempted to do the same with my own shoes when I find machines frustrating. I have especial disdain for my computer, but it’s hard to find shoes small enough to insert into a processor chip. I suppose I could go on the internet and look for molecular shoes. Perhaps at cybershoes.com or maybe virtualclogs.co.uk.
74 The idea of one fortress being more impregnable than another is a bit ridiculous. By definition, an impregnable fortress is impregnable. If it is even slightly less impregnable, then it is most certainly pregnable. The funny thing about impregnable fortresses is that people usually call them impregnable right up until the time they are stormed and taken. Just like El Arak. But I’m getting ahead of myself, here. Read on.
75 Salubrious is a word meaning beneficial to or promoting health and well-being and should not be confused with Sal Ubrious, who once played shortstop for the New York Cubans Baseball Team.
76 Minuscule is a word meaning extremely tiny and should not be confused with Minu Scule, who once played roller derby for the Dallas Wheel Machine.
77 A primer is a basic textbook. There have been primers for spelling, primers for languages, primers for cooking, and so on. I once saw a primer for breathing. Silly, really, because I imagine that if you couldn’t breathe you wouldn’t survive long enough to learn to read and then read the primer unless you were very good at holding your breath. Perhaps the book was meant for very intelligent fish who wished to migrate to land. They would need to learn to breathe air rather than water, but I still think the breathing primer would be a waste of time. Fish aren’t very intelligent, though they spend a great deal of time in schools. (For that matter,
many humans who spend a lot of time in schools aren’t all that bright.)
78 Technically, the robot raccoon does not breathe, so it would not have a last breath, but it sounds better than “with the last charge of its battery” or “with the last electron in its circuit.” You know what I mean.
79 Vampire Cat Robot is a terrible comic book series that has since gone out of circulation. It is the saga of a cat that is a vampire and becomes a robot. It doesn’t really make much sense. Obviously, cats are almost never vampires unless they are bitten by a human vampire, which is highly unlikely as a cat will sense an approaching vampire and flee long before it could be bitten. Also, once a cat becomes a vampire and desires to feast on blood, when it is made into a robot, it would no longer require blood and so it would lose its title of vampire. You know, I may have spent far too long thinking about the logic of this particular comic book.
80 There are two schools of thought as to why the hours between midnight and five a.m. are called the “wee hours.” The first theory is that in Celtic countries like Ireland, Scotland, and Wales, fairies were said to wander about in the hours after midnight. Fairies are small, so the hours after midnight were called wee hours set aside for the wee folk. The other school of thought suggests that the hours shortly after midnight are the most likely time for someone to need to use the bathroom. They usually need to go wee, hence the wee hours.
81 I love the word thrice. I feel it isn’t used often enough, so I try to insert it wherever possible.
82 Penultimate means “next to last.” I just felt like using that word. So there.
83 The term jump seat comes from the Second World War. Jump seats, the folding seats in airplanes, were made for paratroopers (parachute soldiers) to sit on while waiting to jump out of an airplane. The paratroopers were chosen for their love of sitting. The seat was designed to snap against the wall out of the way when the paratrooper stood up. That way he would have nowhere to sit and therefore no option but to jump out of the plane. As a further incentive, comfortable chairs would often be thrown out of the plane first to lure the paratroopers after them. This led to a lot of people being injured by falling chairs, as the chairs were not furnished with parachutes.
84 A Space Plane is designed to leave the Earth’s atmosphere and take up station just outside the planet’s gravity field. The Earth rotates while the Space Plane remains stationary. The plane then re-enters the Earth’s atmosphere directly over its destination. Space Planes are a very speedy means of travel indeed. They have the terrible side effect of burning a hole in the ozone layer every time they pass through it, massive rocket engines firing. The NASA Space Shuttle is an example of what is basically a Space Plane, although the Space Shuttle does not fly often enough to cause cumulative damage to the ozone layer. The ODA has very little regard for environmental concerns. They have a fondness for Styrofoam, are rumoured to enjoy massive tire fires, and are reputed to have invented the plastic shopping bag. The ODA Space Plane once belonged to the Soviet Space Program and was purchased by the Grey Agents at an auction after the fall of the Soviet regime.
85 Cul de sac is a French term for a dead end. It is literally translated as “bottom of the bag.” The French term originated in the seventeenth century, when it became fashionable to build houses at the bottom of enormous bags.
86 Doilies are common in the homes of old women throughout the world. They are meant to be placed under vases and teapots and the like. No one knows why women begin to amass supplies of doilies once they reach advanced age, but it is a fact that they do. Millions have been spent researching the phenomenon, but no solid breakthroughs have been made.
87 A moue is defined as a look of discontent with the lips pressed together and forward. This has nothing in common with a moo of discontent, which is made by cows that have not been milked properly or have been milked by farmers with cold hands.
88 Malign means evil in nature, effect, or intention. It is far worse than bad and slightly less nasty than cancerous. It is roughly twice as harmful as odious and one and a half times more offensive than vile. I like to be accurate.
89 Ziggurat is not Italian for cigarette, but rather it is a form of pyramid called a “step pyramid” favoured by ancient cultures like the Mayans and Aztecs in Central America and the Sumerians in Mesopotamia. It is basically a pyramid without smooth sides like the more famous and popular Egyptian pyramids. The Mayans, Aztecs, and Sumerians were really annoyed with the Egyptians for showing off with their smooth-sided pyramids. An ancient clay tablet was recently unearthed in the excavation of the ancient city of Ur in what is now called Iraq. The tablet, when translated, reads, “Those Egyptians think they’re so fly with their highfalutin flat-sided pyramids. They really think they’re all that, but they really aren’t cool. Totally not cool at all” (or a close approximation of that, anyway).
90 Recalcitrant is a word that means stubbornly resistant to authority. It originates from the Belgian practice of coating unruly children with calcium as punishment. No one is really certain how the calcium was supposed to promote discipline in children, apart from ruining their clothing and making them intensely itchy. Belgians are renowned for being quite weird.
91 I hadn’t. I’m sure you hadn’t either, but one has to forgive Parveen. He had a lot on his mind.
92 A strange phrase, I think you’ll agree. What is so friendly about a burning building? I don’t know about you, but I tend to resent their smokiness, and their intense heat is quite stand-offish, I find.