Vin wavered for a moment before striding into the room and taking the matching chair across from her. He wiped his suddenly damp palms against his pant legs and looked beyond her and out the window, absently noting the rain slapping against the glass panes and the wind rattling the frames. The silence surrounding them was becoming uncomfortable so he offered, “Cold day.”
Silence.
“Yes, it is.”
More silence.
Vin stared out the window, wondering why he was feeling so awkward with Moira when he never had before. They’d had a decade of companionship to fall back on yet he could think of nothing else to say. It was a problem he’d experienced with everyone since he’d come home. As if he’d forgotten how to speak with another human, but he hadn’t had that problem with Moira yesterday. Why now?
Because you didn’t lust after her before, his conscience taunted him. It shamed him that he hadn’t been able to quash the inappropriate feelings the night before. When he had gone to bed it hadn’t been thoughts of her brother or war or pain that preceded his sleep. It had been her. Moira in that ivory gown looking at him with those amazing brown eyes. Moira with her pink cheeks glowing in the winter’s light. The lust that had rushed through his body pushed his tortured thoughts aside. It had shamed him to imagine her that way. She would be appalled if she knew he had attempted to relieve his lust while picturing her in his mind.
He was.
Vin seemed to be looking anywhere but at her, Moira thought as she watched Vin study the windows, rain and fire thoroughly. She’d been aware of him from the moment he’d hesitated in the door. Her body had tensed with anticipation and gooseflesh had raced up her arms before she’d even looked up. Would there ever come a time when she was near him when her heart didn’t leap? It was becoming so troublesome in the face of his ever friendly company, she was again determined to fight against it.
It couldn’t go on like this. If she went to his side in the evenings, he was hers ever so briefly while he slept but it was an illusion, a fantasy that she could lose herself in if it went on. It wasn’t reality. The reality was the only looks he sent her seemed those of a desperate man latching onto her as a lifeline of sanity in the raging sea that was the MacKintosh clan. She might have become a rock for him, but it was her friendship and compassion that kept him returning to her, not any deeper emotion.
Despite Eve’s hopes and her own, Vin shown nothing but brotherly affection since his return, even his touches were polite. There had been nothing at all to indicate any deeper feelings or any new attraction. As she thought, it was all for naught. Better now to return her focus to Aylesbury and the future she might possibly have with him and leave this childish infatuation with Vin in the past where it belonged. To that end, late last night when his agonized moans and shouts again woke her from her sleep, she refused to rush to his side if only to prove to herself that she could. In the end, she felt she had denied them both as she had listened to his tortured cries. Her heart had broken again and again throughout the night.
She waffled between wanting and wanting to run. It was she who made those moments awkward with her wishful yearnings.
Did he suspect how she felt? He seemed different this morning; distant and uncomfortable. If he was aware, it might be he didn’t want to encourage her by speaking as intimately with her as he’d done before. She would lose a friend but perhaps it was for the best. She didn’t want his pity. Certainly, she had no desire to give him more worries in his life.
Moira was thinking that she should vacate the room when Vin spoke again. “What are you doing in here?”
“I was waiting on Evie,” Moira spoke lightly. “She’s bringing Laurie down for tea. Kitty and Hannah were to join us as well, but I think the rain will keep them away. Would you care to join us?”
Vin had met Laurie, Eve’s son from her previous marriage, and even Kitty’s daughter, Hannah earlier in the week. He liked children, he decided. They were so innocent of the evil in the world, so happy and free with their laughter and affection. They did not look at him with worry in their eyes and did not repeatedly ask him if he were all right. Couldn’t remind him of how things used to be. They were uncomplicated and his life seemed strangely simple when he was with them. Just as Moira’s friendship had seemed a simple thing before his thoughts had taken a lustful turn.
Perhaps one day he would have a child of his own. Of course, he would have to marry first. Vin snorted inwardly. While half of his brothers had moved on and married despite the misfortune dealt to the family by Francis’ first wife, Vin could not help but still be influenced by her infidelities and the pain she’d caused the entire family. Perhaps it was because she had taken Vin in her sights attempting to lure him to her bed with her flagrant, lascivious seduction, but he had found himself sickened by her and the whole institution. He simply couldn’t imagine placing himself in the position to become such a cuckold.
Still his brothers seemed happy in their marriages. Even Jack Merrill, who he had long considered the greatest womanizer in Scotland, truly seemed to love Kitty, perhaps even wedding her for more than the child she was to bear him.
“Would you?” Moira repeated as if she were aware his attention had wandered.
Vin shook his head, knowing he couldn’t stay in her company for long. He nearly made a fool of himself the previous night when his eyes had been continually drawn back to the seductive neckline of her gown. He considered himself lucky that he’d managed to tear his eyes away each time before she had caught him ogling her. Too bad he hadn’t managed the same with Aylesbury.
Today Moira was dressed in a warm woolen tea gown that should have been unflattering in its functional styling but she looked lovely nevertheless, he noticed as his eyes crept upward from her skirts until he met her eyes. The burgundy color of the gown made her sherry-brown eyes even richer. She’d left her hair down today. The auburn masses curling about her face and down her back. He wanted to look away but could not. He shook his head again. “I’m to meet with Francis’ tailor this afternoon.”
Moira’s eyes twinkled suddenly as she nodded. “Most likely he cannot stand to see his own clothing displayed in such a sloppy fashion. Though Connor’s seem to fit fairly well.”
Unbidden, a smile raised the corner of his lips before it slid away but that slight response brought a full smile to Moira’s lips. “I told you the other night, I am but a shadow of the man I once was.”
Moira knew that Vin meant the words to in jest, but felt the unintentional self-loathing they held. He saw himself that way, she realized. Just a reflection in the mirror of the man he’d been before all this. It seemed everyday brought a new revelation. Not just nightmares but constant memories. Pain not only of the body but also of the heart. He was a haunted man. She wished she could help by doing more than soothing his sleep and she had even denied him that. She wished she could bring that same peace to his days.
If she couldn’t shower him with love, she owed it to him to give him her continued friendship. It wouldn’t be fair to him to withdraw it now and run when he needed his friends the most. Whether it hurt her in the end or not, Moira realized she needed to be there for him night and day until she chased the ghosts from his eyes and was really living once more.
It was time to tuck her fantasies away and help him where she could, as much as she could.
“I like to think of it more as a return to that dashing silhouette you had in your younger years,” Moira teased cheerfully with a wink. “You look as you did when I was seventeen and you were in your early twenties. In truth, I should thank you for helping me feel younger than my seven and twenty years.”
That host of a smile hovered on his lips once more. “I’m glad I could help.”
“I would like to help you as well, Vin.” Moira leaned forward and placed a hand on his arm. “Would you like to talk about it? About what happened in Egypt?”
Vin looked at her hand so small and dainty, so clean compared to the ugliness of his
life. He couldn’t bear to dirty it with his tales. “I cannot, lovey. It is not a tale for a woman’s ears.”
“I am your friend, Vin,” she persisted. “I would do anything to spare you the despair you carry with you.”
He shouldn’t be so taken aback by her perceptive words. As he had recognized already, Moira knew him well and could read him with remarkable ease. He wished he could unburden himself to her, but knew that he could never tell her the truth of her brother’s death. He couldn’t bear to see her eyes fill with pain again. Or hatred.
Moira wasn’t surprised when Vin simply shook his head denying her offer. “What of your brothers then? Or Jack? Surely, you could speak to one of them? I feel certain that speaking with someone…”
“This isn’t a matter for a confessional, lovey.”
“But wouldn’t you…”
“No.”
“But surely…”
“Enough!” Vin barked and immediately regretted his harsh tone. “I know you mean well, lovely, but just speaking of it doesn’t make it go away.”
“Because they don’t understand.”
Vin met her compassionate gaze. “No one can.”
“Ahh, Vin,” Francis called from the doorway. “There you are! Are you ready to go then?”
“Aye, Francis, I’m coming,” Vin returned still holding Moira’s gaze. He’d never seen such caring in a woman’s eyes before. His feelings and worries truly mattered to her. Her honest desire to aid him in any way touched him deeply, but Vin was beginning t realize that divulging the truth to Moira might just cost him the dearest friend he had. He couldn’t let that happen.
“I’ll have the carriage brought around then.” Francis disappeared back through the door.
“I must go,” Vin raised her hand from his arm and kissed it briefly. “Thank you.”
As he stood, Moira did as well. He touched her heart so. His pain had become hers. There was nothing she wouldn’t do to help him, to ease his burden, but what could she do when he refused to speak with her? She raised a hand to caress his cheek. “I am yours…your friend for life, Vin. I would do anything to ease your pain.” Giving into her impulse, Moira slid her arms around his middle and embraced him tightly resting her head on his chest until his arms finally returned the gesture. Tipping her head back, she kissed the underside of his chin absently but Vin jerked his head back and looked down at her in surprise.
Electricity sizzled between them and Moira swayed toward him, forgetting her resolve to lay her romantic hopes to rest, urging him instead to seize the moment and kiss her as she longed for him to do for a decade. His eyes were hot, she thought, as if he was tempted by her. His hands tightened on her back as if in restraint. Do it! Do it! she urged him in her mind. Vin held her eyes for a long minute and she felt hopeful for a moment but then the light faded and his tense body relaxed. Disappointed, Moira rose on her tiptoes and pressed a friendly kiss to his cheek before rubbing it away with her thumb.
“You will always have me, Vin,” she whispered, fearing the words held more truth than she’d even admitted to herself. “I will be here whenever you need me.”
“You are a good friend, lovey,” Vin whispered harshly before turning toward the door.
Moira watched him go, trying not to let his rejection lower her spirits. Instead, she turned to the desk on the wall near the window determined to do whatever it took to dispel Vin’s demons. She pulled out some paper and a fountain pen. Shaking it several times to start the flow of the ink, she set it to the paper.
Papa, I need you…
Chapter 14
We don’t love qualities, we love a person;
sometimes by reason of their defects as well as their qualities.
Jacques Maritini
The next morning
Not again! Vin cursed inwardly as he found his brother and Eve once again keeping company with the marquis of Aylesbury the next morning. Biting back a frown of distaste, he offered his hand and a polite greeting. “Aylesbury,” he said with a nod. “We missed you at dinner last night.”
He hadn’t actually. For some reason, it had been just he, Moira, Eve and Francis for dinner the previous evening. They dined casually with Eve’s son, Laurie, joining them for most of the meal. Afterward, Moira played the piano while Francis turned the pages for her. Then they had played a board game Eve had brought back from New York the previous summer. While they played, Eve told him a story about her and Francis meeting once more and some unrealistic tale of her first husband kidnapping her and Francis being shot. It had been most amusing to have his three companions talking over each other with different versions of the story. It had been a pleasing night and Vin enjoyed their laughter and teasing.
Of course, he’d also been tormented by the unwanted lust Moira inspired throughout the night. She’d been more informally dressed in a simple blue gown with long sleeves and a high collar that curved up her neck. Though high around the sides, the collar parted in the front dove down into a long, narrow V that did not end until the first button just below her breast.
He’d been teased by the shadow of her cleavage for hours while she played the piano and bent over the game board to reach her pieces. He’d finally retired early, taking refuge in his chambers where the image of her bosom nearly bursting from her gown taunted him well into the evening. Taking his raging arousal in hand, Vin was determined to shed himself of the torment she raised in him but could only see her in his mind as he did so. It should have sickened him, but it had not, proving he was a desperate man indeed.
He needed a new face to focus his passions on, but Moira was currently the only unattached woman he knew besides his sister. Vin rather doubted that any of his brothers would appreciate it if he directed his lust on one of their wives.
It had taken a long while for sleep to find him. However, amid his usual fare of gruesome nightmares, the serenity he missed the night before returned, descending through the agony. He felt the calming touch of the angel who blessed him, watched over his sleep allowing him the peace to rest his body and troubled mind. The angel became Moira in those lustful dreams that followed. He dreamed of taking her full lips with his own, of ravaging them…taking her body with all the desperation he felt.
Despite those erotic images, he slept well, leaving him feeling fresh and almost cheerful this morning…until he had seen Aylesbury.
“I was sorry to have missed it as well, Mr. MacKintosh.”
“No please, call me Vin, everyone does,” Vin asked in a lazily arrogant voice.
“Very well, you must call me Harry though not everyone does,” the fellow returned with a taunting smile as Moira entered the room.
“All right, Harry,” she called absently. “I’m ready to go now…” Moira drew up short when she realized that Vin was in the room as well. “Oh! Good morning, Vin.” A blush spread unwillingly across her cheeks. In her renewed determination to give Vin the friendship he needed, she had gone to Vin’s room again last night, sitting with him as he tossed and turned in his sleep. It hadn’t taken but a moment at his bedside for her to realize her motives were not completely altruistic. She was being selfish as well.
Moira had come to savor those private nights with Vin. Her secret visits. When she could look at him with all the love in her heart with fear of being caught. When she could mourn the loss of the lighthearted man he had been and when she could aid in that small way of putting his demons to rest if only for a short while.
Sometimes, when a particularly devilish nightmare was plaguing him, Vin would sit straight up in bed crying out against his demons. His eyes open but unseeing as he slept. On previous nights, she had but caressed his cheeks until he had quieted and lay back down but last night! Last night he had looked straight at her as if he saw her there. His hands had shot out clasping her head and dragging her to him. He had kissed her fiercely, his mouth devouring hers over and over again until he had laid back down pulling her over him.
Moira had thought he must sure
ly be awake to accomplish such a thing, but not a moment after lying back down, his arms had relaxed their tight hold and he’d emitted a soft snore. She had stared at him for ten minutes straight, her hand over her mouth in shock. Awake or not – aware or not – a kiss from Vin had been everything she’d ever imagined. She’d rushed back to her room but hadn’t been able to sleep as she’d replayed that moment over and over. As a result, she’d slept even later than she usually did and was late to meet Harry for their ride.
“Did you sleep well?” Moira asked, curious whether he’d been aware of her presence.
“Well enough,” he responded, shoving his hands into his pockets to disguise the arousal that had started to stir itself most inappropriately when she entered pulling on a pair of gloves. Flashes of those hands running down his chest in his dreams aroused him as he recalled the images. Scolding himself for the unseemly thoughts, Vin couldn’t help but notice how lovely Moira looked this morning. Her rich brown velvet riding habit molded to every one of her delicious curves and was trimmed with mink around the neck and wrists to warm her against the chill of the January day. “Where are you off to this morning?”
“The weather’s been fine if a bit cold. We were just going to ride about the park,” she arched a brow at him. “Would you care to join us?”
“My apologies, I’ve already promised to ride with Richard and Jack,” Vin responded politely. He rocked back on his heels and studied the couple where they met by the door. They were a handsome couple, he admitted reluctantly. Moira seemed content with the marquis, but despite his best effort, Vin could not be pleased by his friend's happiness with this man. Still, the reason for his ire eluded him. “I was just telling your husband that we had missed him at dinner last night. Why didn’t he join you?”
A Question of Lust Page 11