by Unknown
"I, uh...I got you this." One hand leaves my hip and plunges into his pocket again, fishing out something small, concealed in his palm before he opens his fingers and presents it...a Christmas ornament...a small purple and blue butterfly attached to a gold string.
"Aww, it's cute," I almost squeal in adoration as I take it from his hand giddily, cradling it gently in my own, as if it were real.
"Shut up," he mutters and rolls his eyes with a sigh, his cheeks pinkening at my reaction, but he can't mask the grin that spreads across his mouth.
"No, really. I like it." I study it, turning it over in my hands, beaming with excitement.
"It just...made me think of you," he says softly and I look up into his eyes adoringly, but he shifts quickly noticing the jolt of raw emotion that strikes between us. "You know, cause of your tattoo and shit," he grumbles, tapping against my right hip with his finger, where indeed a small butterfly tattoo is hidden beneath my jeans.
His posture stiffens a little and I can't help but smirk, amused at how flustered he is.
"And just...I know this whole thing is all kinda about...transformation and shit," he stutters, clearing his throat and hardening his voice as he adds the last part, and I giggle, knowing he always has to come across like such a hardass, even though he can't deny that if anyone knows he's a big softy on the inside, it's me.
"Thanks, Lex. Well, now I feel bad I didn't get you anything."
"Nah, it's cool."
"No, you need something..."
"I can take my sweatshirt back," he grins, and I swat his chest playfully.
"You're not getting it back. Get over it," I answer defiantly and he chuckles as I glance around the room quickly, thinking. "Wait...here..." I offer suddenly, crossing the room excitedly to the table beside my bed, laying down the gift he brought as I take the thin paper cut-out between my fingers before extending it out to him. "It's supposed to go on our community tree, but no one will know."
"An angel?" He takes it from me, letting it rest flatly against his hand, barely large enough to cover the expanse of his palm.
"Yeah...everyone made one...but you can have mine. You might need someone to watch over you once in a while," I grin warmly at him.
"Is that supposed to be you or some shit?" He smiles as he turns it over in his hands, noticing the yellow coloring of her hair and the green dots for her eyes.
"Shut up...." I mutter, my cheeks flushing a bit.
He holds it up next to my face, seeming to study it before he smirks playfully. "Well, I mean it does kinda look like you."
"Shut up, ok! It's just a paper ornament!" I insist, exasperated, but I can't hide my giddy grin at the thought of our innocent gift exchange.
"I'm just fucking with you," he chuckles as he reaches into his back pocket before replying sincerely, "Thank you though." He opens his wallet and gently places the paper angel inside, returning it to his pocket.
"Merry Christmas, Lex," I shrug, smiling shyly.
"Merry Christmas, baby," he sighs and I melt when he says it. God, he's really here.
I reach for him but I'm nervous, and so is he as our arms reach out in the same path and we chuckle awkwardly as we try to reposition ourselves a few times until we finally pull each other close, my arms around his shoulders and his around my waist. It's a friendly hug, a firm embrace, but as I start to pull back from him slightly his arms tighten around me, one hand slipping up around my ribcage as the other slides down around my hips, fully encircling me, and I hear him, God I hear him and I feel him breathe me in so deep as he tilts his face into my neck, breathing out a shaky sigh. I feel bad, but I can't help but stiffen a little because he's never ever done this before, never held me so close like he doesn't want to let go, and I just...ugh, my heart just breaks.
And I clutch him, I wrap my arms back around his shoulders so tight, squeezing my eyes shut to keep my tears at bay as my fingertips dig into his back and I nuzzle his neck, trembling inside and panting as I try not to cry despite the fact that I've never ever felt this much emotion with him...wrapped in his arms, feeling his chest expand as he breathes me in, and what if...
God, what if he needs me just as much as I need him? What if that's why he's here? Is that this feeling swimming around us? Because this is more than a friendly hug of gratitude for some stupid Christmas ornaments. No, this is...it's a moment. A moment of...something. Weakness? Need? Want? Maybe it's all of that. But whatever it is, it steals my breath and makes my heart pound, and as much as I've tried to convince myself since I've been here that what we have isn't special and worth fighting for...I just don't know if I could ever feel this way with anyone else. I know I couldn't.
My arms slide from around his shoulders and rest curled in between us as I take his face in my hands, lifting it from my neck but he doesn't let me go. He grips me tight and presses his forehead to mine, eyes closed, and I just hold his face as wetness steals down my cheeks against my will and I don't want him to think I'm weak and sensitive, but he could never understand what it would mean to me for him to need me the same way that I need him.
He finally pulls his face back and opens his eyes, smiling weakly when my tear-filled eyes stare back into this own and he sighs again, shaking his head at me. And I still don't know what it is about this moment, but it's absolutely perfect, and I want to tell him. I want to tell him so many things right now, looking into his eyes, because when he looks at me like that, so lost and uncertain yet whole and completed in some way at the same time...when he looks at me like that I think he needs to hear me tell him. Tell him that I'm here, and tell him that no matter who else he thinks he's lost, his parents, his brother, his friends...that he hasn't lost me. That I'm his and I always fucking will be.
I sniffle a little as he brings one warm hand up to wipe my face, the other still holding me tight and I slip my arms back around his shoulders and rest my forehead against his again, whispering his name, breathing his breaths, brushing his nose affectionately with mine, relishing the comfort of being close to him if only for this moment. Because who knows what we'll have after this is gone, once I'm out of here. I'm scared to think that this could be one of our last moments together until he changes his life, because I know we can't go back to the way things were...this is when all of that "situation" stuff starts to matter. I can't get sucked back into his world. I've come too far. I have to protect myself now.
"Leala..."
We jump apart at the sound of my sister's voice.
"Will you come back in here?"
"Can you just give me a minute?" I sigh, pushing my hair behind my ear nervously.
"No...not with him." Her words bite into the room, her eyes staring at me coldly before turning to Lex. "What are you doing here, Lex?"
"Stop," I scold her before he can respond, but she continues, eyes fixing on me again.
"Leala, don't tell me you called him to come here today..."
"No, she didn't." It's Lex who interjects this time, and she scoffs at him.
"Exactly. She didn't call because she doesn't want you here. She doesn't need you anymore, Lex."
"Shut up Aimee!" I shout, tears welling in my eyes, and I know this is going to be a bitter battle. Not just today...but maybe forever.
"Don't you think you've done enough?" She narrows her eyes at him scathingly.
He turns to her, steeling himself. "You know, you're not the only one who misses her. You're not the only one who doesn't have her anymore."
"No, we haven't had her for a long time...because of you," she retorts, and he sets his jaw, eyes blazing with rage.
"I miss her too. She's all I fucking have!" he shouts, and I'm crying now, hanging my head as the tears slip down silently. This is a fucking nightmare.
"Yeah I'm sure you miss her. Miss her business...miss her making your life a little easier by doing anything and everything you ask...maybe miss a little sex now and then. Well those days are over."
"Aimee stop it!" I wail as I hug my arms around
my body, and Lex turns to put a hand on my back to comfort me, but then she says it.
"And maybe you would have your own family if you weren't such a complete fuck up."
Silence.
He freezes, breath stealing from his lungs at her words because she has no idea...no fucking idea why he doesn't have a family anymore, why he left. My head snaps up to hers, tears stopping for a moment as my wide eyes meet her own in complete shock and the trepidation in her face tells me that she knows she made a mistake, but the words have been said.
He doesn't utter another word, simply storms out of the room in fury.
"Lex! Don't!" I reach for him, grabbing at his arm but he rips it out of my grasp, gone in a flash, and my tears take over me once again. He can't fucking leave.
I move quickly to follow him out of the room, but Aimee steps in front of me, seizing my shoulders and shaking me in frustration.
"Stop it Leala, stop being ridiculous," she growls in my face, but I can't even respond, my body wrenching with sobs as I rip away from her and rush down the hall, hoping to catch him.
He's almost to the gate when I catch up to him outside, the cold air shocking my lungs and making me shiver almost instantly as I realize I ran outside without a jacket.
"Lex, stop! Lex!" I shout, my voice stinging in my frozen throat and he finally stops, spinning around abruptly and I almost run smack into him. He runs a hand over his head, breathing a shaky sigh and I see the tears brimming in his eyes.
"I...I can't do this. I can't do this anymore." His arms fall to his sides in defeat.
"Lex..." I reach out for him, but he steps back, shaking his head.
"No. It's too hard. This...us...I don't know how this is going to work, Leala." The words are shaky and strangled in his throat, and I'm shocked to my core as I see that he's really about to cry.
I can't breathe. He can't be saying what I think he's saying. No, everything has to be ok. We have to be ok. "What do you mean how it's going to work? It's us Lex, just me and you, forget about everything else," I beg, fisting the front of his shirt, and his hands smooth up my arms, warm against my cold skin before finally gripping my upper arms.
"Everything else? Like the fact that you're clean, and I'm not, and your family hates me...Leala, that's the important shit. We...we live in two completely different worlds now. I just...I don't know..." he struggles, gripping my arms tighter and I just...I want to fucking break down.
I want to sob, but I can't because I'm so confused and I don't know where any of this is coming from. Did he come here to tell me this? He couldn't have. I thought that when I saw the hurt and loneliness in his eyes that he was crying out to me. I thought he needed me, why would he come here to end this? I know the fight with Aimee was rough, but doesn't he know...doesn't he know that I don't care about any of that, about anything but him? Because...I love him. I love him and I need him in my life, and I don't care what worlds we come from, I never did, I just know that when we're together everything else goes away.
I know I have to tell him. I have to tell him how I feel because he'll stay if I do. I know those three words will make him stay. "You know I don't care about that shit, Lex. I never have. It's just you...you're what I want. I don't want your world. Please...please don't do this. I need you. Lex, I–"
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything, Leala. I just...I can't keep doing this. I can't keep hurting you," he cuts me off, stepping away once again because the longer I talk, the more I say, it will surely melt his resolve. And we look at each other for a long second and I want to tell him, I need to tell him...
But he turns away. He turns his back and walks away, leaving me standing there, hurting me more than ever, even though he said he didn't want to.
And I should've told him...
Chapter Sixteen
Three days later, there's a knock at Lex's door. He's in the stash room counting a roll of bills, so Remy answers, eyes widening a little as he looks into the boy's face, shocked at his youthful appearance. He looks no older than sixteen, but junkies are getting younger and younger these days.
"I...I'm looking for Lex," the boy stutters, his voice confirming his youth.
"Yo, Lex...you got a customer, man," Remy shouts over his shoulder and then stands clear of the doorway so the teenager can pass by him, entering the house.
Lex ambles slowly out of the back room, his gaze fixed down on his hands and the stack of cash, slipping the bills loosely between his fingers as he counts them.
"Sup? What do ya need? I got some green, but I mostly run white around here, so if that's what you're interested in..." he trails off as he looks up. He stares for a long second at the boy and it doesn't hit him at first...until he realizes that the eyes he's looking into are a younger version of his own.
Damon.
"Hey..." He shuffles his feet nervously, plunging his hands into his pockets.
"Holy fucking shit..." Lex replies, releasing the breath that he didn't realize he was holding, almost dropping all of the cash in his hand, completely forgetting how much he just counted.
They stare at each other, completely astounded.
Damon finally speaks up. "Um, I'm sorry I just showed up...I don't even know–"
"You need to go home. Fuck, I need to take you home right now," Lex cuts him off in a panic and paces across the room to retrieve the keys to his truck.
"No. Please! Don't," Damon shouts, begging, and Lex freezes, turning slowly to face him again, peering at him questioningly.
"Where do your parents think you are right now?"
"They're your parents too..."
"Woah! Wait a minute! Parents? You're Lex's brother?! Holy fucking shit dude...come sit down, take a hit man. Relax! This is fucking awesome!" Bruce suddenly throws an arm around Damon and attempts to pull him down onto the couch, but Lex grabs Bruce by the shirt, pushing him against the wall.
"Don't even fucking think about that shit!" he growls before releasing him and looking over at Remy, and then back at him. "You fucks get outta my house...both of you." He looks back and forth between the two and waits for them to leave. "Now!" he snaps when neither moves, and they both jump a little before scurrying out the front door, shutting it behind them and Lex takes in the moment of tense silence before turning back to Damon.
"Um...here, you can sit down, I guess," he stutters, fumbling nervously to clear the coffee table of the drug paraphernalia strewn about as Damon takes a seat on the couch.
"So this is what you do now?" he asks softly, eyeing Lex and then looking back down to the table. He reaches to touch the electronic scale curiously and Lex slaps his hand away before grabbing it, guilt rising up in him.
"Look kid, don't lecture me, ok? This is life...this happens to people everyday. I'm making it on my own and I don't ask mom and dad for a damn thing," he answers before turning to carry the armload of items to the back room. "So why are you here? You want money? What's going on?" he asks as he enters the room again, standing beside the arm of the couch and peering down at Damon with an intimidating gaze. He takes him in slowly, his lean lanky form dressed in worn jeans and a hooded sweatshirt, cheeks still a bit flushed from the cold outside, dark curls fuzzing just a bit around his boyish face...and it appears as if someone had cloned a teenage Lex and put him on the couch...right down to the look of uncertainty in his big blue eyes.
"You're...my brother,"his soft voice shakes a bit as he responds.
Lex sighs, running a hand over his head as he paces the room nervously before sitting down across from Damon on the wooden edge of the coffee table. "Yeah, but I mean...shit, I haven't seen you since you were ten, and you just show up today."
Damon takes a good long look at Lex now that he is finally sitting close enough so that he can really take him in, and Lex stares back into his brother's eyes with the same searching glance. Five years really is a long time, and Lex can't believe how much his little brother has grown up...he almost looks just like him. Well, just like the fifteen-year-old
him.
"I told mom and dad I was going to town. Hopped on the bus and made it out here. I had to kinda...ask around for exactly where to find you."
Lex's eyes go wide. "You've been running around on the streets asking people where I live?! That's just fuckin great." He stands up abruptly and paces into the middle of the room, shaking his head.
"I just needed to come see you," Damon pleads, and Lex scoffs, turning to face him and holding his arms wide, presenting himself.
"Well, here I am. Have a nice long look, and while you're at it have a peek outside, cause mom and dad will never let you out of the house again after this little stunt," he muses matter-of-factly before dropping his arms to his sides to finalize his statement.
Damon sighs, hanging his head a bit as he responds quietly, "They won't tell me about you. I feel like you died."
"Well that's not too terribly shocking," Lex grumbles, rolling his eyes but he sighs when he sees Damon's disappointed demeanor. "Look...I'm sorry if this wasn't what you were expecting. But there's nothing I can do about it."
"You could come home," Damon offers weakly and Lex groans in aggravation.
"No kid, I can't just do shit like that. I have to get out of this business and get myself clean and-"
"So why don't you?"
Lex opens his mouth to respond angrily, but he stops when Damon's cell phone rings, and from the nervous look on his face he can tell who is calling.
Lex sighs, giving his brother a look of sympathy before answering flatly, "It's getting late. I better get you home. C'mon..."
_______________________________________________________________
"Why won't you come home, Lex? Mom misses you. She's sad," Damon finally musters up the courage to speak after ten minutes of silence in the truck.
"She's been sad for a long time, kid. And I'm twenty-five years old, I don't need to live at home anymore," he replies simply, glancing in his side mirror absently before changing lanes.
"Well you could at least come by and visit more."