by Fiona Perrin
‘Probably a good idea to get completely pissed and just get on with it. Before you know it, it will be just like normal,’ said Liv.
‘Liv…’
‘Yes?’
‘It’s lovely to hear your voice.’ It was. I wanted her to tell me something frivolous. ‘What’ve you been doing?’
‘Well,’ said Liv, sounding evasive. ‘You only went yesterday, so not much.’
‘Liv?’ She was hiding something. ‘What did you do last night?’
‘I looked after one of our mutual interests,’ she said.
‘What do you mean, “mutual interests”?’
‘Umm, well it’s quite a long story but…’
‘I’ve got nothing better to do than listen,’ I said, lying back and taking a slurp of my Diet Coke.
‘Look,’ Liv began. ‘I don’t suppose you’ll mind…’
‘If you’ve interfered in my life again the way you did by telling Ben all that codswallop about me…’ I started.
‘Aren’t you glad I did now? I saved your agency and gave you a new man to go all gooey about.’
‘I’m not gooey about him,’ I said. ‘And I could’ve won the account without you.’
‘Whatever,’ said Liv. ‘But it’s nothing like that.’
‘What is it, then?’
‘Well, I was out last night at a bar,’ Liv said.
‘No, really, not you…’
‘Are you going to be quiet and let me tell you what happened? So, there I was, and who should walk in looking very posh?’
‘Not the Hon Peter?’ I nearly squealed. It was hard to remember that night a few months back without a small, fond smile.
‘He nearly tripped over my foot, so I said, “You owe me an apology.” He looked absolutely petrified; it was obvious that he couldn’t really place me.’
‘He really is the most enormous player, isn’t he?’
‘I said, “Don’t worry, you haven’t slept with me,” – are you sure you’re OK with this?’
‘Of course, tell me what happened.’ This was a very Liv story. I rolled over on my sunbed.
‘And so, I said he’d shagged you, taken your number and never called. And he said was he apologising for being shit in bed or was it for not calling? Promise you won’t mind? It was quite funny.’
‘He was a complete charmer,’ I said.
‘And then he said he remembered us all having a drink together at Berkeley Street.’
Suddenly I saw how this story was going to end. Tears of laughter started streaming down my face. ‘So, he’s in your bed now, then?’ I snorted. ‘Go on, I bet you got off with him.’
‘Well, I did a bit,’ said Liv. ‘And, yes, he is here, still asleep – you don’t mind, do you?’
‘Of course not, I think it’s hilarious.’
‘Well, I thought you were back being all married on your middle-class holiday and… well, we’d had a few drinks. I didn’t mean to sleep with him but he was so persuasive. I tell you something else – he’s got stamina.’
‘I’m not sure I need to know the details,’ I said, ‘but, yes, he did like to keep going.’
Liv’s voice dropped to a whisper. ‘He’s in my bed and his cock is erect all over again. It’s turned the sheets into a tent.’
I spied the kids coming back with Lars.
‘Oh, my God. You cheer me up. I’ve got to go. I’ll speak to you in a few days.’ I put the phone down, picturing Liv realising that she’d just met someone who was, if possible, even more commitment-phobic than she was.
*
I decided to drink for England, Europe and the world that evening. Tess and Finn were tucked up in bed; I watched their faces move very quickly from alert to asleep. In the sitting room of the suite was an old Greek lady who took our mobile phone numbers and waited impatiently for us to go down to the restaurant and leave her in peace with the TV.
The palm-fringed restaurant was packed with couples scoffing freedom from their offspring along with their food. Women flush with tans and alcohol were chatting with husbands who were looking lovingly back as if suddenly remembering why they were married. The air was thick with the sound of cicadas and whispered nothings.
‘What would you like to drink?’ Lars asked as I studied my menu. ‘Cosmopolitan?’
‘Of course I am,’ I said and he laughed. When it arrived, I gulped it quickly; it was strong.
‘So,’ I said.
‘So.’ Lars smiled.
‘What shall we have to eat?’ We discussed the various options before ordering; I refrained from making any menu jokes but still thought about Ben.
‘Aren’t we having a lovely holiday?’ Lars said.
I downed the rest of my drink. ‘Gorgeous.’ I just needed to relax. I felt nervous, but after everything that had gone on between us, that was quite expected.
‘You look great with your tan,’ Lars went on. ‘I’m not being bogus.’
But you are, you’re pretending to still love me. I pushed the thought away and said, ‘You’re looking pretty fit too. Shall we have champagne?’
‘Why not? We need to celebrate the future after all.’
We watched as the waiter popped a bottle of house bubbly and filled our glasses to the brim.
‘To us,’ Lars said, raising his to me in a toast.
‘To us,’ I agreed and then swallowed the glassful as if I were a student in a boat race.
‘Going a bit, aren’t you?’
‘Fill it up again.’ I smiled at him.
He poured me another, saying, ‘What happens when we get back?’
‘What do you mean, what happens?’
‘Well, I’ll pack up my stuff from Mum’s and move back in, shall I?’
‘Well, yes,’ I said but immediately felt claustrophobic.
‘I mean, we’re back together for good, aren’t we? And it seems silly me living in another house. Of course, we’re going to have to explain it to the children very carefully. But don’t you think we need to put these last few months behind us?’
‘We have, haven’t we?’ I drank half of the next glass of pop and smiled on.
‘I’ll just get my stuff organised and then I’ll move back.’ There was a pause while the waiter delivered prosciutto-wrapped asparagus to both of us.
‘Great,’ I said, picking up my knife and fork.
‘Ami, I need to know this is what you want.’
I’d thought I’d been saying all the right things. ‘Look, do we have to have this conversation now?’ I didn’t want to talk; I wanted to make it all go away. One sure route to doing that was to get pissed with Lars, get sleeping with one another over and done with, and wake up tomorrow with my future a done deal.
‘Well, yes, yes, we do,’ said Lars and I sat back with a chill. ‘Now, I need you to believe me, Amelia. It’s been too discombobulating.’ He smiled at me. ‘Nothing bogus.’
‘Stop saying that!’ I couldn’t help myself. ‘Everything is bogus.’
Lars jumped as my voice rose. ‘Shush,’ he hissed, looking around him. ‘What do you mean?’
My sadness felt as if it would crush me. ‘We both know that…’ I took a deep breath. If we were going to have this conversation – and I still didn’t know where it would end up – then I had to be honest. ‘Look… I heard you talking to Thor.’
Lars looked confused and I rushed on. ‘You were speaking Swedish… I was going to bed… but…’ Lars coloured and looked down. ‘You were saying you were staying because it was the right thing to do, because of the kids… it wasn’t because of you and me.’
‘Oh, Ami, it was just me trying to explain what had been going on. I didn’t mean it like that.’ His voice was quiet and entreating. He put down his knife and fork.
I smiled very sadly. ‘Lars, I heard you say that you only loved me as the mother of your children.’
His face screwed in pain. ‘Oh, that was the drink talking…’
I couldn’t stand more lies: ‘Be honest: it�
��s not because of me any more.’
Lars brought his hand to his eye. ‘I don’t think that’s—’
‘The thing is, though,’ I carried on, relief rushing through me now that I was no longer pretending that everything was OK. He deserved me to be honest too. ‘It’s not just you. I spent so long trying to get you to stay with me because I thought it was the right thing to do too.’
‘The kids could’ve died,’ Lars said and I quickly held his wrist.
‘Look at me,’ I said. ‘They didn’t die. It was terrible but it happened at a time when we were both feeling really awful and guilty and showed us that we need to look after them more, make it better, and we’ve done that – given them certainty and structure.’ I paused. ‘This has to be about me and you too.’
After everything we’d shared, were we going to be one of those couples that rubbed along? Or that lived with a giant unspoken lie at the heart of their relationship like my folks? The feelings I had for Ben made me realise – even if I’d probably always known it – that that wasn’t going to be enough for me; I suspected it wouldn’t be enough for Lars either, despite whatever he told himself. There was ‘for the sake of the kids’ but there also had to be a ‘for the sake of me’, however selfish that sounded.
He nodded slowly and I let his arm go. I started to eat, remembering we were in a restaurant with other couples.
‘I’ve changed,’ Lars said. ‘You have to believe that now.’
‘I do,’ I said and I meant it. He’d already told me there was a short trip to China coming up, but he’d done it in a way that allowed Jenny and I to plan ahead.
Now, I sliced through the ham and the asparagus stalk. ‘We’re both here now, doing this, because we’re clinging onto some hope that we can get back some version of what we had, but it’s not realistic.’
Lars’ face was bleak but still he tried. ‘But, now we’ve learned how to be mates again, it might work…’
‘You mean that love we had at the beginning will come back?’ Tears were rolling down my face now as if from nowhere.
‘Is everything OK?’ The waiter came by as Lars passed me his napkin. As I dabbed my eyes, I could see other couples stare and then look happily back at each other; they were glad this scene wasn’t starring their marriages.
Lars flushed red. ‘Yes, absolutely fine. Please take the plates and hold our main courses.’
‘Certainly, sir.’ The waiter scooted off and I started to apologise.
‘Look,’ Lars went on, ignoring the answer to my question. ‘I know we’ve got a way to go. I know we need to stick with the counselling. We need to spend more time together. We need to make more progress.’
Progress. That was the word Ulrika had said. In managing to get structure into the kids’ lives and get on with one another – from some sort of distance – we’d made progress.
‘Maybe there’s another way to think about it,’ I said slowly.
‘I don’t see what. From what you’re saying, we’ve fucked it up despite all the trying.’
‘But we haven’t! In the last few months we’ve managed to get on, make the kids more stable and let them have a much better relationship with you.’ I drank more champagne and tried to breathe more slowly as my tears dried up. ‘So, we’ve made progress, compared to when we were at each other’s throats.’
‘I suppose so,’ Lars said. ‘How do you say that in English: “small relief”?’
I smiled hollowly. ‘But maybe, maybe we’re not supposed to take it any further.’
‘You mean get divorced after all?’ Lars said this in a low whisper.
‘The kids have a routine. You could move back in with us and they’ll get used to that – but if this is how we feel about each other isn’t that the worst thing we could possibly do? What if we screw it up for them and make it worse?’
‘You think that’s what would happen?’
‘I don’t know, but given our track record there’s a good chance. You’ve only got to look at Tess now to know that she’s settled and… you know what? I think what she needs more than ever is certainty. Her parents in her life but with an absolute commitment she’s going to be loved and that everything is consistent. Finn too, of course, but it’s got to her more.’
The waiter was trying to catch our eye. Lars said, ‘Shall we go for a walk after our food and talk some more, then?’
We quickly made our way through the rest of our dinner. I felt shell-shocked, jolted, but with a new clarity. If Lars moved back in, we couldn’t promise that our explosive arguments wouldn’t reignite. That had to be worse for the kids than the situation now.
After signing the bill, we walked with other couples along the artificial boulevard that ran across the top of the beach; most of them held hands, but we didn’t. The sea had never been darker. It merged with a sky that seemed to have been wiped clean of stars by an over-efficient housekeeper.
It was when we finally got to the end of the wooden promenade that Lars turned to me and pointed to a small bench. It was positioned for people to gaze out to sea with some privacy – couples, I thought.
I sat down and Lars sat heavily beside me. ‘So, what you’re saying is that it’s not enough for you?’
‘Be honest. It’s not enough for you either,’ I said.
Lars held my hand and I squeezed it. ‘I’m so sorry.’ His eyes glistened with tears in the darkness.
‘And I’m so sorry too.’
How well I know you. How well you know me. I pulled him towards me and we gently rocked together.
‘I’m sorry I ruined our marriage,’ Lars whispered in my ear. It wasn’t just him though, and we both knew that. ‘I told myself all the time that all the hard work was for you and the kids…’
‘I know,’ I said. ‘It doesn’t matter now.’
He shrugged me off, got up and paced around the wooden slats of the deck. I could hear the sea whooshing in and out, back and forth in the distance.
‘And you changed,’ he said but with no anger now. ‘You didn’t need me any more because I was never there when you needed me in the first place.’
My sobs came in rolling waves from my lower stomach. I stood up too and held out my arms. ‘I’m sorry, so sorry,’ I said and he came into them and held me again.
‘Do you remember…?’ I wanted to say as I shuddered into his shoulder. ‘Do you remember?’
We carried on clinging to each other for a while longer until we were both still and then, silently, we got up and started to walk back, this time arm in arm. We talked about how to make it work for the kids.
‘They’ve got a routine now that we should stick to as much as possible. You come round when you can and put them to bed and have them every other weekend.’
‘If I get a place of my own I’ll have them one or two nights a week?’ Lars said.
‘OK.’
‘I’m going to have to ask for the investors to buy some more of my shares,’ said Lars. ‘Then with everything you’ve managed to pull off, we’ll bust a gut to keep the house. We’re not going to have much money though. I’ll rent as cheap a flat as I can find but with a spare room for them so they feel it’s theirs.’
‘Do you think the kids will understand?’
‘We’ll tell them at some point on this holiday, shall we? Give them a few days to make the next step while we’re together…’ Then he stopped and looked at me. ‘You don’t want me to go home, do you?’
‘No, I think we can handle being with each other for a fortnight? And if you left that would make Tess and Finn think we can’t get on with one another after all.’
Lars smiled. ‘Of course, you’re absolutely right.’
‘And we’ve spent any money we had on this break,’ I went on. ‘I really want them to have a brilliant time.’
We got back to the hotel room and paid the Greek lady, who went off smiling; then we went and looked at the twin beds of our sleeping children.
‘A new kind of fam,’ I said.
Lars smiled. ‘But still a fam.’
I went into the bathroom to get changed into pyjamas. I sat for a moment on the loo lid while I cleaned my teeth.
I ached with sadness but I also felt calm and a sense of liberation. We hadn’t managed to keep our marriage, but we’d managed to protect our children from more change.
The right thing to do, after all, was create this new kind of fam.
39
The first morning back in the office, I walked in to find Bridget seated behind my desk again.
‘Good morning, Bridget,’ I said. ‘Any chance you can shift your butt back to your own desk?’
Bridget jumped up. ‘I’ve been holding the fort,’ she said, scurrying over to her side of the office.
I took off my jacket and swung it onto the back of the chair. My arms were the colour of honey. ‘I’m sure you’ve been exemplary, but now I’m back,’ I said. ‘Oooh.’ I picked up a stiff piece of ivory card from the pile of mail in from of me. ‘OOOOOOH. Oh, Bridget, why didn’t you tell me? I’ve been waiting for one of these for my entire career.’
You are invited to the
2017 International Luxury Goods Awards
Rome,
November 4th 2017,
8 p.m.,
where you have been nominated in the category
‘Best Print Campaign for a European Brand’
for the Campury ‘Who needs a man?’ campaign.
‘Isn’t it amazing?’ Bridget said. ‘A Lux! It only arrived this morning. I’ve already rung and said we’d definitely be there.’
Wow, oh, wow. I hugged her and then sprinted out of the door and into the lift, bursting through the door of Marti’s office and shouting about the Lux.
‘Good God, girl, these are the best gongs in the industry,’ he said. ‘Every worthwhile client in the western world will be there. At least you look all right in a posh frock.’
*
Liv was still in bed at 11 a.m. when I rang to tell her that we were going to Rome. She didn’t say she was still in bed but it was pretty obvious from her muffled, breathless voice that she had been mid roll-around with someone – probably Peter.
‘I thought, we might as well make a weekend of it,’ I said to her. ‘Marti’s so chuffed with me, he says I can bring anyone I want to; Lars has committed to having the kids for the weekend – he’s being great – and I can get my dress paid for on expenses.’