Jacob's Ladder: Gabe

by Katie Ashley

  When Gabe’s image remained in front of me, bile rose in my throat. I swept my hand over my mouth, as I feared I’d vomit then and there.

  After he pulled away from Linc, Gabe caught sight of me, and the smile on his face vanished. Sensing something was wrong, Linc turned around. His eyes widened. “M-Mom? W-What are you doing here?”

  Yeah, that a good question. He’d already changed into someone I didn’t know. He didn’t even want me to hear him play. I’m going to be sick.

  “I could ask you the same thing.” My gaze flickered from Linc’s to Gabe’s. “Both of you.”

  Gabe jerked a hand through his hair before he stepped forward. “Listen, Rae, I can explain.”

  I crossed my arms over my chest. “Explain what, exactly? How you’re secretly here in town and didn’t think to pick up the phone to call or text me? Or how when I talked to you on the phone last night, you didn’t bother to tell me my son was in a talent show? Or maybe how you seem to be supporting my son playing the guitar when you know how I feel about that?”

  “You have every right to be angry with me and Linc.”

  Narrowing my eyes at him, I countered, “Angry? I think fucking livid is a better description for it.”

  After glancing around, Gabe said, “Lower your voice, okay?”

  “Don’t tell me what to do!” I hissed.

  Linc stepped between us. “Mom, don’t yell at Gabe. It’s not his fault. It’s all mine. I was learning to play long before Gabe came to town.”

  “Wait, what?” It was like I could see Linc’s mouth moving, but I couldn’t make out the words.

  “Joey’s brother has been teaching me guitar for about six months.”

  I stared at my child like he had suddenly grown horns. How was it possible my perfect angel had been going behind my back to do something I had forbidden him to do? Deceiving me. It was like he had become a perfect stranger.

  Linc sighed. “I know you’re mad, and I didn’t mean to go behind your back. It’s just I really wanted to learn the guitar.”

  Shaking my head, I countered, “But you know how I feel about it. You know why I don’t want you to do it, yet you still did it.”

  The corner of Linc’s lips turned down in a frown. “I know, but I thought once I learned and you saw how good I was, it wouldn’t matter.”

  “It does matter. It always has, and it always will. There’s no way I can just let this go.”

  Wincing, Linc asked, “Am I grounded?”

  “Yes, for the next month.”

  “A month?” he questioned.

  “You also won’t be allowed over at Joey’s house for the foreseeable future, and you give the guitar back to whoever gave it to you.”

  Linc’s eyes bulged in horror while his lip trembled. “You mean I can’t play the guitar anymore?”

  “You were never supposed to play it in the first place.”

  “But Gabe gave me a guitar.”

  The world shuddered to a stop around me. Once again, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I hoped against hope I hadn’t heard correctly. “He what?”

  Gabe winced before taking a step toward me. “I’m sorry, Rae. I should have come clean about this a long time ago.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “That day at Hart and Daughter when you turned me down the second time, I ran into Linc outside your office. Since he’d heard our conversation, he and I made a deal together.”

  “Let me guess—a deal for a guitar?”

  Gabe nodded. “I would give him a guitar if he could get you to hang out with me.”

  Oh. My. God. Not only had Gabe given my son a guitar, he had manipulated me into hanging out with him. My mind spun back to seeing him after that morning. “That night when we ran into you at The Hitching Post?”

  Linc swallowed hard. “I told him that was where we would be eating.”

  I shook my head. “I can’t believe this. The two of you have been conspiring against me this entire time.”

  With a roll of his eyes, Gabe countered, “Don’t be so dramatic. It was just that one dinner. Once you really got to know me, you were hanging out with me of your own volition. There was no collusion whatsoever.”

  “It doesn’t matter what happened after that first night at The Hitching Post. It’s the principle of the matter.” Turning away from Gabe, I jerked my chin at the guitar case at Linc’s feet. “Give the guitar back to Gabe.” At Linc’s hesitation, I growled, “Now.”

  The look Linc directed at me held the same punch as if he’d kicked me in the gut. While I’d already feared I was being too harsh in his punishment, the pure anguish mixed with hatred told me I’d made a serious mistake. I knew I should have taken a moment, or even a few hours to try to gather my emotions before I started doling out punishments. I wasn’t just dealing with my anger and hurt with Linc; I was also dealing with my heartbreak over Gabe’s involvement. He knew why this was so vital to me. I had opened up my heart to him.

  Whirling around, I stalked over to him. “I want to talk to you—alone.”

  “Fine,” Gabe muttered.

  After dragging him over to a secluded corner, I hissed, “Let’s get one thing straight: Linc is my son, not yours. You don’t get to voice an opinion on how I raise him, especially after going behind my back like you did with the guitar.”

  “I’m fully aware he’s your son, but would you stop and listen to yourself? You’re getting absolutely hysterical over nothing.” Hysterical. Over. Nothing. He didn’t wake up to an empty house and wonder where Mommy had gone. He didn’t watch the father of my son run from the hospital room. It was not nothing to me.

  “Don’t you get it? It isn’t nothing to me. I’ve worked Linc’s entire life to keep him away from the guitar, and you blow in and take it upon yourself to screw all that up.”

  “Hey, don’t pawn this all off on me. Linc was learning the guitar before I even got to town, and so fucking what if he was doing it behind your back? He loves it, not to mention, he’s good at it—like really good.”

  “That’s all you have to say to me? Did you think you should be apologizing for undermining me and my parenting?”

  “I can’t be sorry for something I really don’t feel remorse for. As far as undermining your parenting, maybe someone needs to do it since you’re screwing up your kid’s happiness because of your own warped issues.” What the hell? Who was this man?

  I jerked my head back at Gabe’s response. The Gabe I knew would never be so cruel. “My warped issues? How can you say something like that?”

  “I guess I’m just a bastard like your ex. I mean, I am a musician, so I fit the mold, right?”

  Shaking my head, I replied, “How could I have possibly wasted the last couple of months on someone so insensitive and clueless?”

  Gabe’s eyes narrowed at me. “Maybe it was just for the great sex. After all, a bastard musician like me was only ever going to be good enough to be in your bed and never fully in your life or your kid’s life, right?” That’s what he thinks? Wow.

  “You seriously disgust me.”

  “Hmm, that’s quite a change from when you’re begging and pleading for me to make you come. But I’m only good for one thing, right? I guess you are like your mom—both of you needed a little musician dick to get you through the rough times.”

  At Gabe’s comparison of me to my mother, a blood-red haze ran before my eyes. Before I could stop myself, I swung my arm out and brought my flattened palm across his face. The smack echoed through the now silent area behind the curtain.

  Gabe rubbed his cheek before smirking at me. “I guess that’s my cue to leave.”

  While I expected him to sidestep me and go out the back door, he surprised me by walking over to Linc. My heart shuddered to a stop when Gabe opened his arms, and Linc fell into them. Instead of me comforting my child, it was Gabe.

  “And the winner of the Hayesville Elementary talent show is Lincoln Hart!”

  Hearing Linc’s name calle
d out, coupled with everything that had just happened with Gabe, sent shockwaves reverberating through me. I knew I couldn’t stay there one second more. I then did something so uncharacteristic of me.

  I ran.

  Sprinting out the backdoor of the auditorium, I bypassed my car and kept going on foot. Although the winter air stung my lungs and my muscles began to burn, I kept running. I didn’t stop until I skidded through the front door of Harts and Flowers.

  Kennedy glanced at me from behind the counter where she was adjusting some freshly baked cupcakes. After taking one look at me, she cried, “Ellie, get out here!”

  “Can’t it wait? I’m trying to get the last of the arrangements together for Mr. Johannsen’s wake.”

  “Now,” Kennedy demanded.

  My frantic gaze bobbed from Kennedy over to the back of the store where Ellie had poked her head out of the curtain. “Oh shit,” she murmured before she came striding toward me.

  “Please tell me you guys have a tequila reserve hidden somewhere in here?” I said, barely managing to get it out as I panted.

  “No tequila, but there is some rum.”

  I nodded. “Get it, and don’t bother with a glass. I’ll drink straight from the bottle.”

  “Oh shit,” Ellie repeated.

  After I collapsed on one of the overstuffed couches in the bakery area of Harts and Flowers, I watched my sisters scramble around to fulfill my request. Although I’d originally envisioned drinking from the bottle, Kennedy ended up pouring glasses for the three of us. While Ellie sat down beside me on the couch, Kennedy pulled a chair over to sit across from us.

  Once I’d downed my glass and half of another one, I unloaded on Kennedy and Ellie about what had happened with Gabe and Linc.

  “Fuck,” Kennedy muttered.

  “Yep. That pretty much sums it up.”

  After we sat in silence a few moments, Kennedy leaned forward in her chair. “Okay, don’t kill me for this since you can be a mean drunk, but would it really be that bad for Linc to keep playing the guitar?” Kennedy asked.

  I widened my eyes at her. “Whose fucking side are you on?”

  “It’s not about sides, Rae. It’s about what’s best for your son.”

  Pouring myself another glass of rum, I sighed. “I honestly don’t know.” And that was the honest to God truth. My mind kept flashing back to how happy Linc had looked playing, but it wasn’t just about him being happy—he was good at it. Had I been wrong all these years about him playing an instrument? I mean, he’d been the same sweet and kind Linc these past weeks while he was playing the guitar. So far so good, right?

  Ellie traced the rim of her cup, a contemplative look on her face. “You know, I’ve read about how being involved in music raises a child’s intelligence. It can also give them a focus they can use to stay out of trouble.”

  I swallowed down another burning gulp of rum. “I know. I’ve read all that shit myself.”

  Kennedy snorted. “Then what’s the problem? Are you afraid of being wrong?”

  “Maybe…or maybe I’m afraid Linc will be a small percent the jerk his sorry excuse for a father was.”

  Shaking her head, Kennedy said, “Maybe it’s time to realize that Ryan is Ryan and Linc is Linc. I mean, if we were really ruled by our DNA, all three of us would be fucked based on what Mom did. Last time I checked, none of us were quitters like her. Sure, we’ve made our fair share of mistakes when it comes to men, but we’ve never abandoned our family.”

  Ellie nodded. “Ken’s right. Thankfully, we’ve all carried on the wonderful traits Dad gave us. The same can be said for you and Linc.”

  “I want to believe that—I really do. I just worry what will happen to him when he becomes a teenager.”

  “He’s going to be a little shit as a teenager regardless if he’s playing the guitar or not. I mean, remember us as teenagers?” Kennedy said. After glancing at Ellie, she grinned. “Okay, so maybe it was just me and you, Rae. Maybe he’ll take after Ellie and be an angelic teenager.”

  Ellie and I laughed. “I could live with that,” I said.

  “At the end of the day, Linc is a hell of a kid with a good heart. I can’t imagine him being a truly terrible teenager,” Kennedy said.

  Tears stung my eyes. “God, I treated him so horribly this morning. When I think of how he looked at me when I told him he had to give up the guitar…” I shuddered. “He despises me now.”

  “There’s nothing you did or said that Linc won’t forgive you for. He loves you more than anyone or anything in the world.” Kennedy winked at me. “Even the guitar.”

  I hiccupped a laugh as I ground the tears from my eyes. “I hope so.

  “I know so,” Kennedy said.

  Ellie nodded. “Me too.”

  With a groan, I eyed the coffee mug-shaped clock on the wall. “Ugh. I need to get to work.”

  Shaking her head, Kennedy said, “I think you need to take a mental health day today. Take an hour or so to sober up and then go back to the school and talk to Linc.”

  “You’re right. I’m not going to be any good today until I’ve made things right with him.”

  “And what about Gabe?” Ellie cautiously asked.

  An agonized sigh escaped my lips. “I can’t think about him today.”

  “Okay, whatever, Scarlett O’Hara. When will you think about him?” Kennedy inquired.

  I rolled my eyes. “Of course I’ll be thinking of him. I’ve already thought about him the whole way over here, especially as I sucked down that rum. I just can’t deal with my feelings about him today.”

  Ellie placed her hand on my thigh. “If he calls you, will you at least agree to talk to him?”

  Yeah, I don’t think I’ll hold my breath for him to call. That wasn’t going to happen. Not after the way we’d shredded each other. I knew how he felt about me now. I’d seen it in his eyes. Heard it in his voice.

  After all, a bastard musician like me was only ever going to be good enough to be in your bed and never fully in yours and your kid’s lives, right?

  “I doubt he’ll call, Ellie. He wasn’t sorry at all for his actions. He knew I asked him to be careful about getting invested in Linc and me, because I was terrified of how he’d hurt Linc when . . . if he left. He’s made his pretty position clear on what he thinks of me, my parenting, and well . . . everything.”

  “But if he calls—”

  “I can’t, not now. I need some time to think.”

  “Just don’t take too much time,” she cautioned.

  “I’ll try.” I rose off the couch. “Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a pot of coffee with my name on it just waiting to sober me up.”

  * * *

  Standing outside the school’s cafeteria, I waited on Linc’s class to come to lunch. My skin singed under the stares of the other parents who had come to eat with their kids while my ears burned with the whispers around me. There was no doubt that what had transpired between me and Gabe had made its way through the gossip mill.

  Although I would have died a thousand deaths to save myself the humiliation of facing people at the school, I knew I had to make things right with Linc. While my heart ached with what had happened with Gabe, my soul was in agony at what I had said and done to Linc.

  As Linc came down the hallway toward the lunchroom, his downcast face broke my heart. While his friends chattered around him, Linc didn’t appear to hear them. He was locked in his own world of grief.

  “Linc!” I called.

  When his gaze connected with mine, pure panic flashed across his face. Since he looked like he might bolt at any moment, I rushed forward. His friends scattered, leaving him all alone.

  Tears pooled in my eyes as I hurried toward him. By the time I reached him, I was crying so hard that his image was blurred before me. Although I knew I ran the risk of driving him away by embarrassing him, I still knelt in front of him. “Oh baby, I’m so, so sorry.”

  “Mom?”

  Swiping the tears fro
m my cheeks, I nodded. “I would give anything in the world if I could take back the things I said to you this morning.” I placed my hands on his shoulders. “Worst of all, I’m sorry I embarrassed you in front of all those people. It was your big moment, and I selfishly ruined it for you. You’ve worked so hard and did so well, and I’m so, so sorry.”

  “It’s okay.”

  I shook my head. “No, honey, it’s not. It’s never okay to yell at you in front of other people, not to mention what happened with me and Gabe.”

  “But Mom, I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry I went behind your back to have Jeremy teach me how to play, but most of all, I’m sorry I asked Gabe to give me a guitar.”

  Cupping his cheek, I said, “It’s okay. I understand why you did what you did.”

  Linc’s dark eyes widened. “You do?”

  “Yes, I do. Not only that, maybe you playing the guitar is not so bad.”

  If I hadn’t been so emotionally downtrodden, I might have found Linc’s extreme expression of disbelief comical. I didn’t know his mouth could open that wide. “Are you serious?” he demanded.

  “Yes, I am.”

  “Why?”

  “I had a little talk with Aunt Kennedy and Aunt Ellie.”

  Linc slowly shook his head back and forth. “You’re really going to let me play guitar?”

  Although I still wasn’t completely sold on the idea, I knew I had to let go. Linc wasn’t Ryan any more than I was my mother. “While I would prefer you didn’t play, I will support you if that’s what you want to do.”

  Linc took me off guard when he launched himself at me, bowling us over onto the floor. “I guess this means you forgive me?” I asked.

  “Yeah, I do.” Linc pulled back to give me a serious look. “But don’t worry, Mom. I would have forgiven you even if you hadn’t let me play guitar again.”

  “I know. I believe you.”

  When I started to lean over to kiss his cheek, Linc’s eyes bulged in horror. “Mom, no! Someone will see.”

  I laughed. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to show you how much I love you.” My chin trembled a little. “And I do love you, Linc, more than anyone else in the whole wide world. The decisions I make are ones I think are the best for you, but sometimes, I make mistakes.”