by AJ Eversley
I couldn’t find the words. “I…” I stumbled, lost in his scent. The forest lingered all over him.
He stepped closer. “I have no idea why you wouldn’t want me hurt because you’re too busy trying to get yourself killed to even have that conversation with me. You’re too busy trying to save everyone to even see what’s right in front of you is worth fighting for.”
I hesitated, trying to withdraw myself, but he came toward me. He stopped, inches away from me; close enough I could nearly hear his heart pounding against his chest. My mouth gaped open, still unable to formulate the words.
“Go on,” he challenged. His eyebrows rose, and the corner of his mouth twitched. “Tell me I’m important to you. Tell me you don’t want to see me die. Tell me anything. Just stop lying to me and to yourself by saying this isn’t about anything more than you trying to be the hero.”
“I’m not trying to be the hero.” My voice was barely a whisper, and even Max didn’t look like he believed me.
He gripped my chin and forced me to look at him.
All I saw was anger and hurt.
“If you can’t even convince yourself, how do you expect anyone else to believe it?” His hand dropped from my chin and lingered on my arm, and a shiver followed the movement across my skin. He watched the little hairs rise on my arm before his gaze shifted up and met my eyes once again. His voice softened. “I won’t stand by idly while you try to do it all yourself. You have already given too much. You’ve done too much. Just let me help, please.”
I glanced down at our hands where his pinkie finger was wrapped delicately around mine. “I just…”
He snapped his hand away and stormed off before I got another word out. “Max,” I called after him, but he was already gone. Standing there alone like a fool with a dumbfounded look on my face, I slumped down to the grass, and Chevy sauntered over to join me. He tucked his head under my arm and squeezed in close. I wasn’t trying to be a martyr. I was trying to save as many people as I could. And sometimes that meant making the hard decisions, even if not everyone agree with it.
But Max was right. This was war. And I was going to lose more people; that fate was already sealed. There was nothing I could do about it. Even if I couldn’t admit it out loud, death was a reality I faced every day. War requires sacrifice, and I was more than willing to sacrifice myself, but was I willing to sacrifice those around me to win?
Was that even my choice?
Chapter 20
The moon was high overhead before I finally left the courtyard. I had sat outside alone for a few hours. When I went in, I didn’t walk through the open door of my room as Chevy did. Instead, I walked down the hallway and softly knocked on Max’s, hoping not to wake him if he was sleeping. A moment later, the door slid open, Max stepped aside, and I entered.
His usual cocky smile wasn’t there. As he crossed his arms over his chest, it was clear he wasn’t going down without a fight. I had thought about our argument all afternoon. It consumed my mind in a way nothing had for a long time. I couldn’t help realizing that this whole time, I hadn’t once thought of Kenzie. For a moment, that realization caused my heart to clench, but it calmed when my eyes met Max’s, even if they were still filled with anger.
“If you’ve come here to convince me to leave again, then you can save your breath. I’m not changing my mind,” Max said, brushing past me and sitting down on his bed.
“I haven’t.” I sat beside him.
“Oh. Well, good. Because I’m not.” Max looked at me with suspicion.
“Max, I need you to understand that I can’t lose anyone else, not at the hand of Coleman. Not again.” I had to make him understand that I wasn’t willing to lose him. And that meant keeping him with me but also keeping him safe.
“You can’t control what happens to me anymore than you can yourself. Stop worrying about what could happen and just trust that I’m not an idiot. I don’t want to die anymore than you do,” he said with careful softness though his posture was stiff and ridged—waiting.
“If anything happens, you need to promise me you won’t try to help me. I don’t need your help,” I demanded harsher than I intended.
“I’m not promising you anything. If I’m needed, I’ll help. I’m not going to just sit back and watch you die.” Max’s brow furrowed in anger.
“Augh!” I stood and stormed away from him, leaning over the balcony edge. I stared out to the dark night and near full moon. “Why are you so stubborn?”
“Did you ever stop to think that maybe you’re the reason?” Max paced toward me, closing the distance between us so fast it had my heart leaping. He pressed his hands against the balcony railing on either side, trapping me between his arms. He inched closer, so close I felt the heat from his body radiating off him. And there was that scent again.
My throat bobbed up and down as I waited for him to continue.
“While you’re busy trying to save everyone else, I’m here trying to save you—from yourself. You’re not a martyr! Stop acting like one.” Max was furious with me.
“I don’t need saving!” I yelled. We were inches apart as our breath intertwined.
“You think I wanted to feel this way? You think I don’t realize what you are, and everything that comes with that? You really think I’m prepared to sacrifice my life just to be nice? Are you that blind?”
My mouth gaped open. I struggled to find the words.
He sighed heavily and looked down to his feet before he again met my eyes. “I get that you come with more than a little baggage. And that I’d never be any better than second best to you, but you’re the first person to treat me like an equal. Up until now that is,” Max said. “But the way you make me feel—” he leaned in closer.
Words escaped me as I took him in. His body pressed against mine, and my own body betrayed me. I couldn’t deny the desire I felt for him. His hand softly cupped my chin, and he pulled me in closer. His lips softly brushed against mine. Slow at first, questioning, before he pressed himself against me, and I melted into him. My mind was lost as our lips moved in rhythm together. As my mouth parted, he filled the space, and I couldn’t breathe at the softness of his touch.
My hands searched his body, feeling every indent across his strong chest. My hands knotted in his shirt, tugging him closer. One of his hands tangled in my hair while the other pulled me in closer so there was no room left between us.
His teeth grazed my neck, and I arched back. A sigh escaped me. Just before I lost all control, my senses returned. I pushed him away. A mixture of confusion and hurt spread across his face.
My breath was ragged pants and so was his.
I couldn’t deny my feelings any longer, but the look on his face told me what his heart felt, and the knot in my stomach told me I had let this go too far. My selfish heart wanted to be put back together so badly that it was prepared to sacrifice Max’s heart being broken so I could feel better.
“Whatever this is, you need to forget it. I’m not good for you. I’m not even human.” I found my voice, though the words I spoke smashed a part of my heart to pieces. He shoved his hands in his pockets and his shoulders slumped, but he took a step back closer to me as he looked me in the eyes. This time, I didn’t break.
“Yeah, I’m kind of aware of that,” he sighed in frustration. “I’ve tried to tell myself that every day since I met you; since the moment I laid eyes on you. Don’t you think I’ve tried to get you out of my mind?”
“Well, try harder!” I shoved him again and stormed past him. I had to get as far away as possible from him, before my heart won the internal battle it was having with my mind.
I didn’t mean a single word I said. I wanted to race back into that room, throw my arms around him, and stay until the sun came up. But this could only end in pain, for one or both of us. My heart raced, and it took everything in me not to turn around, not to go back.
I entered my room with a frustrated cry so loud that Chevy flew off the bed, barking at
whatever woke him up.
“Sorry, it’s just me.” I calmed him down with a caress across his head and plopped down onto the bed.
My heart ached, and I prayed this was the right thing to do. I had to push Max away; I had let him get too close. I’d been selfish to think things wouldn’t end this way, and I cursed myself for letting it go this far. I’d made this mistake once before, and I couldn’t take losing someone I cared about one more time. This was the only way to save him.
Chapter 21
In the days that passed, I ignored Max like the plague, opting to train in the privacy of my quarters. One of the servants brought my food up to my room so I didn’t have to leave. Max knocked a few times. I was certain he knew I was there, but he gave me space when I didn’t answer. In those few days apart, despite all the confusion and alarms going off in my mind, I missed him. He wasn’t the only one who’d become accustomed to having me around and I regretted getting so close.
One morning, I woke to find a note slipped under my door.
“You can’t avoid me forever. Eventually, you have to talk to me. And I’ll wait as long as I have to,” the note said.
My heart ached. I ripped apart the note before the words sank in and allowed my heart to betray me once again.
The next day, another note arrived with my breakfast.
“If you think you’re stubborn, you haven’t seen anything. I’ll keep writing until you give me a chance to at least talk to you about this. Just in case you’ve had a sudden bout of shyness, here’s a pen to reply.”
I tossed the pen out the window and threw the note along with it. If I held onto either for more than a second, I’d be writing out every word that threatened to come out, every longing and honest emotion I felt for Max despite knowing it was wrong.
Today, however, Lena pulled me out of my room and demanded I work with her. I reluctantly joined if only to get more practice. I was relieved to find the courtyard empty when we arrived.
Lena stood before me in the courtyard. Her whole body glistening behind the invisible shield she had placed around herself. I launched my attacks, but nothing reached her, not the knife in my left hand or the bullets I fired from my right. She held strong the whole time, not waning for even a second. After a few more minutes, I stopped, and she dropped her shield.
“That’s remarkable,” I exclaimed. “I can’t even get close enough to touch you.”
Lena smiled and wiped her brow with a towel. She dabbed off the sweat that glinted from exertion. “Yes, it is tough to penetrate as long as I can hold it for enough time.”
“How long have you held it for?”
“Anthony once made me hold it for a full day, not even stopping to eat or sleep.” She chuckled. There was a spark around her when she spoke of him. I remembered that feeling, but I wasn’t sure if the memories still stemmed from Kenzie, or if it had blossomed into something with Max. The guilt in the pit of my stomach told me I was well aware of who ignited the spark within me. I hadn’t thought of Kenzie in days, and the shame I felt for that pulled at my heart. I shook my head, clearing away the thought.
“He really cares about you, doesn’t he?” I turned my attention on Lena.
Her smile grew. “Yes, and I for him. I would not have made it this far without him. Many times, I wanted to quit, and many times I tried to end my own life. But Anthony was always there to stop me, to save me.”
My mind wandered to Kenzie, to the many times he had saved my life.
“You’ve had this too. I can see it in your eyes,” Lena pried.
“Yes, once, but he’s gone now.” I stepped past her, sitting down on the steps leading to the castle. I dropped my knife and gun to my feet. I still hated that he left me, and that he died to save me and so many others. It should’ve been me.
I wanted her to change the topic, but from the sympathetic look in her eyes, she wouldn’t.
“There will always be the constant ebb and flow of people entering and exiting our lives, especially for someone like you and I. But the only way to let another in is to truly let the other go.” Her hand rested on my shoulder. “You will see them again.”
“I can’t let anyone else in. It isn’t safe for them. People die around me, and I can’t risk losing anyone else.” I knew whom she was talking about. Max. She was more observant than I thought. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. This was the topic I had been trying to avoid the last few days.
“We all need someone, but it may not be for the reason you think. People can come into our lives for their purposes, not just yours. The stars do as they will and bring people to us for reasons far beyond our own understanding.”
My brows knitted together as I waited for her to explain.
“The man you arrived with is not the same one we see today. His heart was broken and empty, so much anger and loneliness resided within him when he first came here. You have helped him heal wounds that you can’t even see—just as Anthony has done for me.”
I had never thought of it like that. Max had changed since we arrived, or maybe he’d just grown on me. It hadn’t occurred to me that I was the reason for any of that.
My eyes closed, and all I saw was Kenzie’s face, though it wasn’t as clear as it used to be. His image was fading from my memory, and that made my heart panic. “I’m not sure I can let him go. I’m not sure I know how.”
Lena’s hand brushed away a tear that slid down my cheek. “You can let him go, but that doesn’t have to mean he is forgotten. He will always be there, inside of you. He is a part of you always.” Her face softened with understanding. “But you can make room for another.”
She squeezed my shoulder one last time before she left me alone with my thoughts. I wasn’t confident if I could do it—let Kenzie go and allow Max in. I couldn’t fight the feeling that Max needed me as much as I needed him. He’d done so much for me these last few months, and I had no idea where I’d be if he hadn’t been there. He had revitalized the drive and the energy inside of me that had been lost.
The guilt threatening to consume me. But the source of that guilt was shifting. Was I feeling guilty for moving on or for pushing Max away? This wasn’t just about me; this was so much bigger than me.
A tightness in my chest started to build up stronger. Tears of frustration threatened to spill out. My fists balled up, squeezing my hands so tightly that my long nails broke the skin on the palms of my hands. Wind roared around me as if to speak to me, echoing the chaos that filled my heart. My hair whipped around like a mini-tornado surrounding me as the cool winds soaked up the tears that had spilled over and fallen down my cheek.
As I opened my eyes, the wind around me subsided. I blinked at the calmness that surrounded me when only moments before I swore I felt violent winds twirling past my body.
But that must have been an illusion. The trees barely rustled in the gentle wind that whispered off the ocean.
My brow knitted together, and I frowned at the image my mind had created. I placed my gun in its holster and reached for my knife, but it wasn’t at my feet where I left it. I looked around and noticed that the knife that had been at my feet only moments before was meters away from me and stuck into the side of the large tree standing at the center of the courtyard. Cautiously, I walked over to it, looking around to see who might’ve been there, or who might have stuck this knife into the tree. With effort, I pulled it from the bark and examined it one last time, making sure it was the same knife, and it was.
The courtyard was empty, except for me, and I was left to wonder how the knife ended up there.
~
The day was gone when I finally headed inside. I was determined to speak with Max. I owed him that much. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say, or what he would say. But I had made a decision, and there was no changing my mind. My hand knocked softly at his door, and as if sensing my hesitation, the door opened immediately. Max moved aside and I stepped over the threshold before I had a chance to change my mind.
S
ilence stood between us. I saw Max had as many things running through his mind as me, but neither of us spoke.
“I—” The words were stuck in my chest.
“Sawyer,” Max softly interrupted me, taking a step closer and sending my pulse racing, “you don’t have to say anything. It’s okay.”
Though he was so close, I felt the hesitation at the last step. His fingers twitched at his side as he shoved them in his pocket, but he didn’t look away.
I took the last step forward, closing the space between us, and grabbed his wrist. I pulled his hand into mine.
“You deserve better,” I said. His mouth opened to object, but I placed a finger over his lips to stop him from speaking. “And a lifetime with me would always be a challenge. Until Coleman is gone, there’ll always be a threat hanging over us.”
“It’d be worth it,” he said, squeezing my hand.
I shook my head, looking down at the floor.
He gently grabbed my chin and forced me to look into his eyes, to see the determination and fire behind every word. “It’d be worth it, Sawyer,” he repeated.
I nodded, only once and barely enough for him to see as I whispered, “I know.”
And he pulled me into him and kissed me, wrapping his arms around me and squeezing me. I felt like my heart was about to burst from my chest. My arms wrapped around his neck, and I pulled him in close, wanting there to be no space between us, not anymore. This was what I needed, what I wanted. And I didn’t give myself a chance to feel guilty about it because Kenzie wouldn’t want to see me suffer. He’d want me to be happy. And Max made me happy; it felt natural.
For the first time in what felt like forever, the crushing weight in my heart lifted, and Max was the reason for that. Though the pain was still there, the brokenness was starting to repair. It’d take a long time, but this was the first step forward I needed.
His lips traced my jawline with kisses, roaming down to my neck to the crook at the bottom of my shoulder. The scent of him was intoxicating, and I was almost dizzy. The room seemed to spin around me. My pulse raced, and all I wanted was more of him, more of this. His nose grazed my chin as his thumb softly traced my lips. The desire in his eyes matched my own before he covered my mouth in a hungry kiss.