by Paige North
I shouldn’t imbibe while on nanny duty and decline it politely. “Thanks. It’s beautiful. You’re a lucky man, Zayden.” I hope I can call him Zayden and not Mr. Hawthorn. I mean, we’ve pretty much crossed that line, haven’t we?
He sits in the chaise opposite mine and folds his hands, looking out over the city. “Luck has nothing to do with it. Hard work, discipline, and a strong desire to stay distracted gave me all this.” He’s contemplative and somewhat open today. Even though I’m freezing my ass off, I think I’ll stay to see if he says anything more.
It’s the closest he’s gotten to me in the last week ever since our tryst in the living room. I’m tired of being kept in the dark. I think, at the very least, I should know a few things about him. And Olivia. “Zayden, if you don’t mind me asking…”
He angles one eyebrow at me.
I know. I know he doesn’t like talking about himself. But I have to know. “When will Olivia’s mom be out of…you know…”
“Jail?” He chuckles then shakes his head. “Uhh…your guess is as good as mine, Bailey. Are you wondering how much longer you have with her?”
Olivia gurgles as though she understands the question. I hold her closer to ward off the chill. “Maybe. We spend every waking moment together, you know. The ladies—Vero, Helga, and the other one…”
“Nance,” he offers.
“They don’t spend too much time with her either.”
“They’re under orders not to,” he explains.
“Why?”
Zayden sighs, sips from the wine glass. “It’ll be easier on everyone when she leaves, Bailey. The one who’ll take it the hardest will be you, but that’s because you have no choice, because…well, you’re her nanny.”
Fair enough.
“What about you? I mean, she’s your daughter. Not to throw it in your face, but doesn’t it bother you that you haven’t gotten to know her?” Maybe that’s going too far, but I can’t let my heart fall for a man who has no desire to love his daughter, and right now, I’m trying to decide if my heart has any say in my life.
“It’s complicated,” he mutters. “Of course I want to know her. Correction. I would’ve wanted to know her had this been done the right way, had I fallen for her mother, but I barely know her mother, and all of this interrupted my way of life.”
“So you can’t love her because she was a surprise?” I’m not sure I can accept that answer. “But she’s an adorable baby. I wish you could get to know her.”
“I can’t love her, because…” His lips press together, as he thinks of the right thing to say. I’m relieved he doesn’t have an immediate answer. Maybe that’s an indication that he’s not sure how he feels. I can accept that. Even as he’s making excuses.
“Because?” I prompt him.
His jaw sets and then twitches before he finally answers. “I know I’ll lose her.”
This makes my eyebrows draw themselves into a knot. He knows he’ll lose her? What makes him think so? “Because you’re afraid her mother will take off with her once she gets out of prison?”
“Not so much that. There’s more. I can’t talk about it.”
Okay… I’m burning to know more about him. Normally, I’d politely bow out, but I’m curious about Zayden’s situation, and God help, but I actually care for him. I think there’s more to him than meets the eye, and I’d hate to think he’s holding back on being a great dad out of fear. “Then, can you tell me about her mother?”
More sighs and shakes of his head. I know I’m pushing the envelope. He’ll soon regret coming out here to talk to me. “I met her on a business trip over a year ago,” he says, standing and walking to the edge of the building, one hand on the protective railing. “She was a waitress, and I was a red-blooded man who’d hook up with any beautiful woman I wanted.”
My insides twist at his words. Does that include me?
He glances back at me. “You want honesty?”
“Yes,” I say. I do, even if it hurts.
“I’m a wealthy man, Bailey, and my kind of money attracts women. The wrong sort, mostly. That’s just the way it is.” He swallows down half his drink. I love watching his lips, the way they smack together. His eyes, the way they gaze into the distance, sucking in what little light is left.
Especially when he’s drop-dead gorgeous, sociable, and smart like Zayden is. I suppose I can’t blame him. “I get it. Go on…about Olivia’s mother.”
“So after work, she meets up with me, and I take her back to my hotel room. Sex was on the menu. No feelings whatsoever, by the way…” He gives me a pointed look, like I’m supposed to feel better because it was only physical. Or is he suggesting that with me, there were feelings?
He continues before I can analyze it.
“Neither of us was cautious, and she assured me she was on oral contraception. Obviously, she wasn’t.”
“Or, she was, and it didn’t work,” I offer.
Mistake. Zayden gives me a look suggesting he doesn’t buy into that theory. “Again, I’m a wealthy man, Bailey. This was deliberate.”
I’m not going to argue. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t, but I don’t know Olivia’s mom from a hole in the wall, so I’m going to give Zayden the benefit of the doubt because at least I know him.
“Anyway, we went our separate ways, and that was it. Then, last month, I’m contacted by social services telling me Noelia Bardem claimed I was the baby’s father and I was required to take a paternity test.”
“Noelia…”
“Olivia’s mother. So I did, and paternity was established as positive, and here we are. I don’t know much else. Social services told me I could fight for custody, but I don’t have any intention of doing so.”
“What? But why?” I ask, aghast. “You could give her a much better life than a mom who’s in and out of jail, couldn’t you?”
“Like I said, I’m not good when it comes to losing people. I’m not cut out for this.”
What makes him think he’s not cut out for it is what I want to know. In fact, this whole conversation, Olivia’s enraptured listening to him talk, as she bites down on my hand to ease her teething discomfort. It’s like she knows him, like they’ve been connected soul-to-soul for quite some time and she’s only waiting for him to acknowledge her presence.
“Did something happen to you?” I ask all out of the blue.
It’s an out-there question, but something inside me says it’s the right question.
Zayden doesn’t answer, doesn’t even move, as if frozen.
“Did someone hurt you, Zayden?” I follow up.
He stares at me.
“Because I feel like someone did. I can see you’ve had a hard time.” I watch him across the space between us, cold NYC evening air growing uncomfortably chilly. His silver blue eyes gaze at me, brain going a million miles a minute. He’s going to get up and leave any moment, watch.
“You’re a perceptive one,” he mutters, breaking our stare. He downs the rest of the whiskey in one gulp. “But too insistent.” And there he goes, leaving the roof, taking his aura of mystery with him.
I struck a nerve. I’m sorry if I hurt him, but at least now I know. Something did happen, and that gives me hope that he’s not just a complete asshole. Because who wouldn’t love this little girl I’m holding once they get to know her? Nobody.
Olivia gurgles and looks up at me, like asking, Where did he go?
“He’s running away,” I tell her. “It’s a common thing people do when someone calls you out. But I’ll get through to him for you, pumpkin. If it kills me. You deserve it.” I boop her nose, and she giggles. I hold her closely and close my eyes. If I could make her father love her, I would do it at any expense.
Zayden
“I’ll be working from home this week.” On the phone with my secretary, I flip a photo of Callum over and over again. I don’t usually pull it out of my drawer to look at it, but oddly, I wanted to this morning.
Thinking about my litt
le brother the other day and seeing Olivia interact with Bailey all week has reminded me so much about him. I’d almost put him entirely out of my mind, forgotten he existed. It’s easier that way. Now, however, I see the resemblance between him and my daughter, mostly around the eyes and smile. Man, if I didn’t know better, I’d say he was reincarnated in Olivia’s body.
Bailey said I should get to know her, that just because she was a surprise in my life doesn’t mean I should ignore her.
I can’t help but think she might be right. Lots of guys keep in touch with their kids even if they live with their mothers. Who’s to say this can’t work? Just the thought of it, though, makes me nervous.
My secretary says he’ll inform headquarter staff and will keep me abreast of any important goings-on in the office. Hanging up, I feel strangely at a loss. I never have the whole day to myself, so I start by telling everyone to go home—Vero, Helga, Nance. That day when Bailey, Olivia, and I were the only ones here in the morning, we almost felt like a family. I want to feel that again, as much as the prospect scares the living shit out of me.
In the kitchen, I’m making a protein shake before working out when Bailey comes downstairs toting Olivia in her arms. “Oh. I didn’t know you were here.” She backs up two steps.
“I’m going to be home for a few days,” I say. “Working from my home office.”
“Oh.”
“I hope that’s okay with you,” I say with some sarcasm.
“Of course,” she says brightly, heading to the foyer closet where she keeps the stroller. “It’s your house.”
I should ask her if she wants to do something, go somewhere. I want to get to know Olivia a little more, but I don’t want to be alone with her. I definitely don’t think I’m ready for that. Assuming she’d want to go anywhere with me, considering she hasn’t had any contact with me up until now.
I clear my throat. “Going somewhere?” I ask.
“Out and about. Why? Are you going to follow me, then yell at me?”
Man, this girl is cheeky as fuck. And I kind of love it. “Where you headed?”
Her head pops out of the foyer, confused look on her face. “I wanted to find a baby décor store downtown. Someone told me they have unique toys there, and since she’s starting to crawl, I wanted to get something inspiring for her.”
She’s such a good nanny, I swear. I was totally a jerk by telling her she didn’t know what she was doing those first few days. And here goes nothing…
“Do you want company?”
The shocked look on her face alone is worth the week off.
“And here I thought I’d be taking the subway everywhere,” she says later on, as we’re leaving the baby store in my limo. My driver today, Frank, has been a great sport driving us around, going in circles while Bailey shops then we head to the next spot. That way, I don’t have to park anywhere.
“You could ask Frank to drive you anywhere, anytime you need,” I remind her.
“It’s more fun to stroll,” she says. I can’t argue with that. Especially on the kind of days we’ve been having.
Because we took the car, she left the stroller at home and brought the baby car seat instead, which means every time we get out to see another store, she ends up carrying Olivia around. I’m amazed by how easily she hooks the baby on her hip, like she’s been doing it her whole life.
“You’re going to make a great mom someday,” I tell her as we enter a home store filled with colorful weird décor. If it was me, everything would be gray and black all the time.
“Thanks, but…I don’t know.”
I know better than to ask questions, considering I’m the last one to give any details, but what does that mean? That she doesn’t think she’ll ever have kids? Or she doesn’t think she’ll make a good mom? I let it go and try to focus on the moment.
Truth is, I’m having a great time following her around, learning about her tastes, seeing how Olivia clings to Bailey. I love watching them together. They’re like peas and carrots, like Forest Gump and Jenny, inseparable. However, at one point, Bailey wants to check out a small cabinet with drawers too small to put anything good in them. “Can you hold her a minute?” she says, handing Olivia over to me as if it’s no big deal.
And that’s when I freeze. My chest stops processing oxygen. My limbs go rigid, and my face feels like it’s going to fall off. Olivia and I look at each other like we both know this is not a good idea.
She’s just a baby, Zayden. Don’t be an asshole. Just fucking hold her.
Reluctantly, I take the chunky monkey into my arms. Whoa. She’s not that heavy. And she feels…nice. Warm, soft, and I don’t know…dependent, but in a good way. I’ll never understand how anyone could hurt a baby. With the way she stares at me like counting on me not to drop her or do anything stupid, how could I? Yet I have. By avoiding her, I’ve been hurting her.
I want to explain to her why I’ve stayed away, but somehow I don’t think she’d care.
It’s a good reason, though.
I keep telling myself that…
Bailey smiles knowingly and takes way too long looking at the cabinet, and I know she’s drawing this out on purpose. I’ll get her back for this. After the cabinet, she checks out the lamps, side tables, and wooden plaques that say dumb inspirational things like “If your ship hasn’t come in yet, swim out to it,” or “If you can dream it, you can do it.”
“Do women really need signs on the walls to remind them to be strong?” I ask.
I expect Bailey to crack a smile, but instead it’s Olivia who giggles. She baps her wide-open tiny palms against my face. Now, Bailey laughs pretty hard. “She just slapped you for that remark. Good girl, pumpkin. Good girl.” Bailey presses her forehead against Olivia’s.
Pumpkin. I remember my mother used to call my brother “angel heart” and me “zombie-Zay.” Why he got the angelic name and I got the monster name, I’ll never know, but I still remember it fondly. Those were the good days. Before it all went to shit.
I want to press my forehead against Olivia’s but decide against it.
“We better go before I want to buy all these pillows and blankets, and…I guess you noticed I have a thing for home goods.” She smiles that naughty smile I love and holds out her arms. “Want to give her back?”
“Nah, I’m good,” I say, surprising myself as much as Bailey.
Olivia doesn’t throw her arms out to Bailey, which I guess means I’m allowed to hold her a little while longer. When she excuses herself to use the restroom a minute, though, Olivia looks worried. Very worried. “It’s okay. Shh, baby, it’s okay.” I use the same words Bailey’s used before to calm her down. She doesn’t fret but keeps her gaze expectantly in the direction of the bathrooms.
While she’s gone, I call Nance and have her order half the items from this store to all be delivered home by no later than five o’clock tonight. Can’t wait to see the look on Bailey’s face when they arrive.
Back home, Olivia goes down for her nap, and in my room, I watch a movie, thinking about how amazingly well that outing went. So normal. What was I afraid of? I still worry. For me, for Bailey. What happens when Noelia gets out of jail and wants the baby back? Should I be allowed to let her? Is Noelia the best parent for Olivia? Who’s to say. Lots of people grow up with less-than-perfect parents and end up okay. Look at me.
On one hand, I want the little human to be happy, but on the other, I wouldn’t want to keep her from her mother if she misses her. I don’t know what to do, but this is the closest I’ve ever come to even considering it. A warning bell inside me tells me I need to start reeling back. I’m getting too comfortable with these people who weren’t a part of my life a month ago.
When the stuff arrives from the home goods store, I know it’s here because Bailey shrieks all the way down the hall. “Oh, my God, you didn’t!”
I can’t help but smile.
Entering the hallway, I find her at the top of the stairs going through assorted
boxes with the biggest, girliest smile on her face. She hugs every item—the weird cabinet thing, the dumbass “If you can dream it” sign, four different throw blankets, a lamp she liked, and…three bright yellow pillows.
“For your boring gray room,” I tell her.
“Thank you!”
Then, the unexpected happens. She drops everything and runs up to me, arms latching themselves around my neck. Hugged. I’m getting hugged by Bailey Rainville. I savor the moment and inhale the scent of her skin and hair. I’m not a complete dick in her eyes right now. I can be a gentleman, a nice guy once she gets to know me.
Do I want to, though? Make her happy?
I don’t imagine myself in a relationship, but at the same time, I can’t imagine this woman with any other man. It’s literally driving me batshit crazy this second just thinking that she might hug some other man the way she’s hugging me right now. Fuck no. I don’t want that, so I have to decide.
My arms instinctively curl around her waist, and I draw her in. She lets me, and the chemistry between us flares up right away. Instant connection. Instant chemistry.
We could slip away into my room right now, while Olivia plays in the nursery. I could let her thank me in special ways. But…I don’t want her to think I’m buying her love. I don’t expect sex for those things. I bought them because I knew she’d love them. But fuck…she smells and feels so good and tight and small and womanly in my arms, it’s hard to pull away. Maybe she’ll settle for this instead…
A long kiss.
Deep and soft, a dance between us, exploring and drinking in. I hold her face with both hands and let myself fall into her world. Really get to know Bailey’s mouth and lips without taking it to the next level. We’ve been impulsive. We’ve rushed to fulfill desires as quickly as possible, but sometimes you just have to slow down.
Kiss. Taste. Explore.
I push her against the wall and kiss her some more. I can’t get enough and my cock agrees. With how hard I’ve gotten already, I could take her up against this wall, but like good parents, we think about it but can’t. A child awaits in the next room. I settle for pressing my body against her, so she knows how I feel.