“Mr Martin, does humanity deserve life?” repeated the Co-leen, becoming impatient.
He had made up his mind, and raising himself from his chair, with the weight of the world upon him, opened his mouth, and said...
5.
10 MINUTES EARLIER
Slip and Crinkle stole quietly onto the Co-leen fathership in another of the Humdinger's scout ships. Landing unobserved in one of the numerous docking bays, Slip then declared confidently: “Great, now we'll just go and collect him.”
“Slip,” began Crinkle.
“Yeah babe.”
“Isn't this all a little too easy?”
“What do you mean,” he replied, sounding a little hurt, “it's going exactly as I planned. First we get onto the Co-leen ship undetected, then we pick up Fendel, and then we go home. It's only easy because of the thoroughness of the plan, I've thought of everything,” he finished, feeling rather pleased with himself.
“But Slip, what would you usually expect to find onboard a Co-leen ship?”
“Fendel babe,” he said, finding the question a little stupid.
“Yes,” she sighed, “but wouldn't you expect to find the Co-leen as well?”
“Hmm, yeah I would expect that,” replied Slip, reaching the conclusion that something was indeed amiss.
“Well, they're probably busy doing something,” he resumed, “come on, let's go down here.”
And that said, they set off down one of the many corridors, which in Slip's mind, definitely lead to where Fendel was.
Five minutes later they found themselves quite bewildering lost.
“Slip, we're lost. This is hopeless, all these corridors look the same, I've no idea where we are, let alone Fendel!”
“Don't worry babe, I know exactly where we are,” he lied, “look, this computer will tell us where Fendel is,” he said pushing buttons on a computer console that was built into the wall.
“Are you sure you know what you're doing?”
“Sure thing baby, it's not rocket surgery.”
Slip was pushing buttons to the tune of an old Gee Bee's track he had in his head, and the computer did not appear to appreciate his choice of hit. It began to whir softly at first, before growing into a distinctly unpleasant buzz. It then started to beep quite intermittently, and Crinkle likened the beeps to what sounded like little shouts for help, and then, despairing cries to stop. The buzz grew into a crackle, the crackle into a fizz, and the fizz may well have grown into a plop, thud, or bang, had not the computer been on fire by then.
“Slip!” cried Crinkle, “it's going to...”
6.
5 MINUTES EARLIER
“Thanks again,” said the Co-leen officer, locking himself in the prison cell that Fendel had so graciously given him.
“Oh don't mention it,” replied Fendel, waving his hand magnanimously as he left the Co-leen prison.
“Now what?” he thought, wandering down a corridor which he was certain would lead to something interesting.
Fendel's innate curiosity was constantly getting him into trouble, this however, did not concern him in the least, and it was his considered opinion that the immediacy of being imprisoned, killed, or worse, was just a part of everyday life, and something that simply happened to everyone, everywhere. Before he joined the Renegade team, he had simply explored space in search of the interesting, and as a result, he had banked some really very fantastical stories. Anyone who heard one of his pre-Renegade exploits, had an extremely tough time believing him; even after he would produce the irrefutable evidence, contained in his holo—albums, the person would maintain that they must be the butt of some over-elaborate joke. On one of his ventures, he picked up a small, pocket-sized time travel device from a Gorittz, on the technologically advanced planet of Wow. The Gorittz wanted such an astronomical sum for the device that Fendel would have had to sell everything he owned in order to pay it, the Gorittz maintained however, that he was simply covering his costs. After some heated discussion, he persuaded the Gorritz to allow him a test drive, and went back in time to the point where the Gorritz had said he had bought it. He then sold the device to the Gorritz for a quite astronomical sum, and on the condition that he be allowed to use it one more time. Returning to the then present, he then proceeded to buy the time travel device from a rather confused Gorritz, who could not help but wonder why he had sold it to him in the first place. It is just this type of scenario in which he consistently found himself, and as he was musing over this less than wonderful fact, turning a corner, he suddenly came across Slip and Crinkle standing in front of a computer that was on fire.
“Now, if I'm not mistaken,” he announced to no one in particular, “that computer is going to...”
7.
“Yes or no Mr Martin, does humanity deserve life?”
Pete made up his mind, and raising himself from his chair, with the weight of the world upon him, opened his mouth and said...
Suddenly, there was a massive explosion. Pete was thrown to the floor, (not for the first time that day), and the wall behind him seemed to splinter away to nothing. A moment passed, and when the smoke had cleared, he watched a beautiful, (if not somewhat short), angel approach him from the recently created hole in the wall, who he assumed was going to lead him away to heaven.
“Finally,” he sighed with relief, having had gone through quite enough already that day, and now altogether prepared to leave behind the present events, in which he had only recently become all too embroiled.
This reflection lasted only a second however, for behind Pete's angel, there appeared a giant, red-haired, scruffy-bearded, hippie.
“Hello,” said Slip, sauntering his way towards Pete, “anyone seen Fendel?”
Now what happened next is rather difficult to relate. The Co-leen all started shouting and gesticulating furiously, Crinkle went over to look at Pete, who, for all his efforts, had fainted again, Slip sat himself down in the chair that Pete had only just vacated and began tapping its arm-rests to a tune he had in his head, and finally, Fendel appeared from the hole in the wall, looking totally at home in the chaos around him.
“What is going on here?!” began the Co-leen who had accosted Pete, when the commotion began to subside, “who dares to insult the Co-leen this way?!”
“Slip McGroovy,” said Slip, easing himself into his chair, “captain of the spaceship Humdinger, disc-jockey to the most listened to radio station in the universe, Renegade TM, and all-round thoroughly decent chap. And this is my number two, Crinkle, and this is my expert in all matters complicated, Fendel,” he explained, indicating the team with an exaggerated sweeping arm movement, “as for the unconscious fellow, I haven't a clue.”
“Err Pete, Pete Martin,” responded Pete, recovering his wits.
“Well then, now that we know who you are, let me introduce ourselves. We are the Co-leen, rulers of everything, and anything else we may have missed in the course of ruling everything, and along with being your rulers, today, we will also be your executioners!”
“Now hold on a minute,” objected Slip.
“Perhaps I might say a few words,” interrupted Fendel, who had up until then been unusually quiet, “you wish to execute us, right?”
“Right,” agreed the Co-leen.
“But first you'd have to catch us.”
“What do you mean, we already have you,” replied the Co-leen.
“But what if we were to run away,” he suggested, “then you'd have to chase us, right?”
“So,” remarked the Co-leen derisively.
“Well then we'd all get tired, wouldn't we? We would all have to run and run and run, and then probably stop to catch our breath, before running some more. And then there might be a bit of hide and seek, where we would hide some place and you would have search the entire ship for us, and if you didn't find us the first time, then you'd have to start all over again and do the same tedious searching business a second time. Then what if you did find us?”
; “Ooh what?” asked the Co-leen excitedly, as though all his Christmas’s had come at once, (though it is very unlikely that the Co-leen celebrate this particular day, it must be said however, that he really was very excited).
“You really want to know,” teased Fendel.
“Yes, tell us,” cried the Co-leen with a childlike joy.
“More running,” he answered flatly.
“No,” groaned the Co-leen, “there must be a better way?!”
“There is,” he replied instantly, “you let us go, and then, when we're safely on board our ship, having let our guard down, you swoop down on us, capture us unaware, and execute us.”
“I like it,” agreed the Co-leen, “you'd never expect it!”
“Not a chance,” put in Slip, evidently keen to be getting on his way, “well we really must be going now, so I'll see you guys, oh and don't try anything tricky,” he warned, waving an accusing finger at the Co-leen, who were trying their very utmost to look innocent.
And with that, the Renegade team left the building.
“Wait up,” shouted Pete, who scrambling after them, imagined that anything would have to be better than what had happened to him so far today.
8.
Slip, Crinkle, Fendel and Pete all made their way back to the Humdinger on one of the scout ships. Arriving without incident, Pete decided that introductions should be made.
“Hello then, I'm Pete.”
“Oh yeah hi,” said Slip, “welcome aboard.”
“Thanks, so what now?” asked Pete.
“Well,” replied Slip, “how about Twister?”
“Slip,” interrupted Crinkle unsuccessfully.
“Yeah Twister, love it!” he went on, “Fendel, you get everything ready, and then we can all get naked!” he finished excitedly, undoing his belt buckle as he spoke.
“Err Slip,” she repeated.
“What now babe?” he asked, his trousers around his ankles.
“We're under attack!”
And sure enough, at the moment Crinkle said these words, there was a loud bang from somewhere, and the Humdinger seemed to belly flop in space.
“It's the Co-leen,” stated Fendel matter of factly.
“Why those sneaky, double crossing...”
Slip was unable to finish this sentence, for the Humdinger was hit again, causing him to lurch forward, fall over his trousers, and land flat on his face.
“Ow,” he whimpered.
“Right,” Slip rallied, pulling up his trousers as he spoke, “battle stations everyone, nobody makes a fool of Slip McGroovy!”
“Fendel.”
“Yeah Slip.”
“Make everything work.”
“Sure thing boss,” replied Fendel, who started pushing buttons.
“Crinkle.”
“Yes Slip.”
“Put on some music.”
“Already on it,” and as she said this, the Humdinger started to beat.
“You.”
“Yeah,” replied Pete, feeling a little nervous.
“Take the helm. “
“What?!” started Pete aghast, “why, what are you going to do?”
“I'm gonna tell what to do, now quickly, evasive maneuvers!”
Pete looked down at the console Slip was pointing at and was thoroughly relieved to see six big, orange, user-friendly buttons and a cup holder.
“FOWARD!” yelled Slip.
Pete pressed the button marked forward.
“LEFT!”
Pete pressed the button marked left.
“RIGHT!”
Pete pressed the button marked right.
“LEFT AGAIN, QUICK MAN QUICK!”
Pete pressed the button marked left again.
“Phew, we've lost them,” announced Slip with a sigh of relief, and sure enough, the Co-leen had gone.
“Oh they'll be back,” warned Fendel, stretching out his fingers as he spoke.
“Right, where were we,” said Slip, dropping his trousers again.
“Now hold on,” Pete put in, “these Co-leen are going to destroy my planet unless I can stop them, and to be perfectly honest, before you lot showed up, I had everything completely under control, I had them eating out of the palm of my hand!”
“Eating what?” asked Fendel innocently.
“Eating whatever, it doesn't matter, it's an expression you idiot!”
“An expression of what?” he asked wide-eyed.
“Look, please stop that; seriously, you guys owe me one, if it wasn’t for me heroically taking charge just then, you'd all be dead!”
“Sure thing fainting boy,” said Crinkle sarcastically.
“Okay, fine,” he replied, sounding a little hurt, “I'm asking you to help me; the Co-leen are going to destroy my home planet, unless we can stop them.”
“Yeah I'd agree with that,” agreed Fendel.
“But there must be something we can do?” he pleaded with them.
“There's nothing we can't do!” boasted Slip, pulling up his trousers, “we're the Renegade team!”
“Well do something then.”
“Why should we help you?” asked Crinkle, weighing up the earthman as she spoke.
“Er, well,” he stuttered, trying to organize his thoughts.
“What can you do?” she asked.
“Advertise,” he suggested meekly.
“Advertising, brilliant,” cheered Slip, “that's just the kind of thing we need. Show us what you can do.”
“Okay, you're the Renegade team right?”
“Right,” they all agreed.
“Well how about,” he paused for effect, then beginning in his deepest voice “the Renegade team... WHAAASSSSUUUUUPP!!!”
Pete stood there dumbly, his tongue hanging out of his mouth.
“I don't know what to say,” began Slip softly, “I think I'm going to cry.”
And sure thing, a perfect tear fell neatly from his face.
“That was beautiful man,” he went on, giving Pete a hug as they spoke, “you've got my vote bro'.”
Fendel and Crinkle rolled their eyes at each other, (something they were now considerably practiced at).
“Now all in favour of letting our man Pete here join the team, say “Slip, you sure are a sexy beast”.”
The room was silent for a moment, silent that is were it not for Slip’s imagination, in which he was suddenly deafened by a chorus of “Slip, you sure are a sexy beast”.
“Great, that's settled then, Pete, you're now part of the Renegade team, and now back to business,” he said dropping his trousers.
“Wait a minute,” said Pete, who was now beginning to fret a little about the people he had teamed up with, “what about earth, what about my planet?”
“Oh what now,” sighed Slip.
“Well,” began Fendel, “it appears that the Co-leen want to destroy both your planet, and us. The trick is to make them want to destroy us more than your planet.”
“Oh that'll be easy,” stated Slip, “we'll go mental!”
This said, Slip waddled over to a chair with his trousers around his ankles, sat down and started to clear his throat; Crinkle wandered over to the same place and sat down opposite him, then began to fiddle with something technical looking, which Pete was convinced was destined for her ear; and Fendel, giving Pete a scary wink, began to push some more buttons. Pete, it must be said, was by now having serious doubts concerning the mental balance of his new found friends, and was actually entertaining the option of returning to the Co-leen and facing the consequences, of which he could at least be certain, would not involve any twister. He was not given the chance however, to follow this desperate train of thought to the end of the line, for at that moment, Renegade TM went on the thought waves.
““Yashcoo y'all, it's Slip the flip here, coming to you from the deep, deep, deep reaches of the one mind; and you know what, I'm feeling pretty glum chum.”
“Why's that baby?”
“Well Crinks, let me
tell you what happened to me today. I was just flying along, merrily minding my own business, when all of a sudden, these Co-leen creeps came over all superior like, and tell me that they're going to destroy me because I’m just too cool, I mean, what's with that rap Jack?”
“Ah those guys are jerks.”
“Hey, you don't have to tell me twice.”
“I didn't.”
“Yeah well, the thing is, these guys need to be taught a lesson, and you know what cat is gonna do the teaching?”
“He'd sure have to be brave.”
“And don't forget super sexy, Crinks.”
“Well who then Slip?”
“Why only the number one original biscuit himself, your own jive daddy Slip McGroovy, me!”
“Hey that's great, we won't put a foot-note wrong, if we're playing your song.”
“Quite true Crinks, quite true. Well, let's cut to the chase, the Renegade team are gonna cream these Co-leen creeps, and we could use your help, the beautiful Renegade riot raisers, and to begin with, we're gonna restore the resistance, so we would just love your artful assistance at the newly refurbished waterslide planet of Krassis. We'll be there in a blink of a Yashtee moon, and I know all you groovers and shakers will be there too.”
Renegade T.M. Page 5