‘What is it, my dear?’ Pearl levered herself with difficulty out of her chair to join her on the sofa. ‘You really must stop blaming yourself. You have done all you can. Your latest Flora pieces have been excellent, and so heart-wrenching.’
‘Thank you.’ Constance sniffed. ‘I appreciate you saying that, but they are clearly not wrenching nearly enough hearts.’
‘It’s not that people don’t care, my dear, it’s that they don’t believe there’s anything to be done.’
‘So the Highlands will be stripped of people and inhabited by sheep, and no one will lift a finger to stop it?’
‘Sheep make money for the landowners and crofters do not. I do worry about all those poor dispossessed souls. Half of them probably don’t even speak English.’
‘Out of sight, out of mind,’ Constance said bitterly. ‘That is why they are shipped off to Canada.’
‘Perhaps they make a better life for themselves there. It is possible. No wait,’ Pearl said, putting her cup down decisively, ‘before you treat me to a lecture, let me speak.’
‘I don’t pontificate—do I?’
‘I’m afraid so, but it’s so very clear that you speak from the heart that I don’t ever feel as if I’m being lectured. If females could serve as politicians, you would have my vote. If I had a vote. My goodness, can you imagine how the world would change then?’ Pearl smiled wryly, shaking her head. ‘However, we have to make the best of the world as it is, warts and all, and it’s time that you accepted that, I’m afraid. You are an idealist my dear, this will be difficult for you to hear, but sometimes we have to accept that a battle simply can’t be won. You’ve fought the good fight. It’s time to admit defeat and move on. Which brings me to the main point of our little chat. Isabel, my friend, isn’t coming alone next week. She’s going to be accompanied by James Fraser and his wife.’
‘Fraser,’ Constance repeated, slightly stunned by Pearl’s home truths. ‘That is my mother’s maiden name.’
Pearl beamed. ‘James is your first cousin, most anxious to make your acquaintance and to do what he can to make amends for the way his family treated your parents. His father was your mother’s brother, your Uncle James. Now he had known of your existence, and of your situation since you first came to me, but wanted nothing to do with you. Young James knew nothing of this, and it was only when your uncle died a couple of months ago, that I felt I could tell him when I was back home in July. He’s desperate to meet you.’
‘Is he?’
‘Oh, very eager indeed. I understand completely why you had no interest in meeting the family members who treated all of you appallingly. Forcing your mother to choose between them and the man she loved, as if there was ever any chance Anne would opt for them. Then when you were born not a word, and when Anne died too—unforgivable. But James is different. A new generation, Constance, a fresh start. Have I done wrong in inviting him?’
‘No, of course not, but—I’m sorry, Pearl, this is so much to take in.’
‘A fresh start, Constance, that’s what you need.’ Pearl patted her hands. ‘I don’t want to steal his thunder, but I think your cousin and his wife have a proposition for you that you might find attractive. There’s no imperative for you to accept it, I would happily have you stay here for another six years or another twenty, but I can’t see you being happy with that prospect. You like to be doing something constructive, and you like to dance to your own tune. I wasn’t surprised when you broke your engagement to that man Lockhart. You’re not cut out to be someone’s wife, any more than you’re cut out to be a mere lady’s companion. Once Paul has stopped publishing your work, one genteel old lady or even two, if Isobel comes to stay, won’t keep you occupied. There now, I’ll say no more. Wait until James Fraser and his wife get here. Take the time to get to know them both. Hear them out and think about it, that’s all I ask, for your parent’s sake. And for mine.’
Chapter Thirteen
Saturday, 17th August 1822
‘Shona and her grandmother are off to visit a friend out at Cramond,’ Grayson said, ‘and Neil is accompanying his grandfather to the levee at Holyrood, after which the old man wants to introduce him to some of his friends. So I wondered, after we’ve walked Angus, if you were free to take a walk up Calton Hill with me?’
Constance had leapt out of bed this morning, eager to embrace the day, ridiculously excited about meeting Grayson. On the way to the park, her spirits had plummeted. She ought to tell him that they were making a mistake. But seeing him leaning against the tree, putting his notebook in his pocket, his smile reflecting her own simple delight, she had decided that really, it would be wrong not to make the most of what they had. It wasn’t as if she was taking up precious time he might spend with his children either, so her conscience was quite clear. She smiled. ‘I’d like that very much.’
‘What about your knee?’
‘Oh, it has been miraculously cured overnight, even without healing kisses.’
‘Excellent.’ Grayson took Angus’s lead in one hand, and Constance’s hand in the other. ‘What the hell is a gentleman’s levee, do you know?’
‘A procession of men queuing up to kiss the King’s hand, I think. Your son is going to be very bored.’
‘That’s excellent news. The last thing I want is for him to get a taste for high society.’
‘Why let him go then?’
‘He was desperate to meet the King, and I was desperate to spend a decent bit of time with you. The fates were conspiring to bring us together again.’
‘And the sun is determined to shine on us too.’
But as they began their usual circuit of the parkland, Constance’s mood began to darken again. ‘I told you that Pearl has someone coming to stay next week, didn’t I?’
‘A friend, you said. What’s the problem with that? Won’t it mean you’ll have more time to yourself?’
‘No, quite the opposite. She’s not coming alone.’ She tugged the dog’s lead. ‘Angus isn’t in the mood for his walk today.’
‘That suits us fine, doesn’t it? Let’s get him home, and you can tell me what’s bothering you.’
‘When I got back to Coates yesterday, Pearl was already out of bed and waiting for me.’
‘That sounds ominous.’
‘Don’t worry, she doesn’t know about you. I thought at one point—but I was wrong, she was talking about Paul.’
‘Ah, I see.’
Constance was forced to laugh. ‘No, you don’t but you will.’ She wouldn’t tell him that Paul had seen them together, it would worry him needlessly.
‘I hope so. What was it Pearl wished to discuss with you that is making you so down in the mouth on this lovely day?’
‘She—how do you say it, she burst my bubble. Essentially, she told me that I was a hopeless idealist who had to face up to the fact that despite my best efforts, my race was run. Her solution was to foist me off on to a cousin who, she says, has some sort of proposition for me. A cousin who I didn’t even know existed, I might add.’
‘Away!’ Grayson exclaimed. ‘I’ve never met the woman, but I know she’s only ever had your best interests at heart. Wasn’t it she who introduced you to Paul Michaels?’
‘Yes, and since then she’s been biting her tongue, waiting for me to realise that I’m wasting my time.’
‘No, Constance, that’s not fair. If she’d said so a year ago, would you have listened? You’d have told her you’d prove her wrong, wouldn’t you?’
‘But I haven’t proved her wrong. Quite the reverse.’
‘Not for the want of trying. God love you, you’re still trying, and you won’t give up will you, not until you’re forced to.’
‘Pearl thinks the same as you, that you can’t stop what people see as progress.’
‘What matters most is that you’ve tried,’ Grayson said gently. ‘You had
to try and you have to keep on trying until you feel there’s nothing left for you to do. You wouldn’t be able to live with yourself otherwise.’
His words brought her to the verge of tears again. She was not going to cry. ‘You know me too well.’ She forced a watery smile.
‘And so does Pearl. It’s clear she loves you, Constance, and respects you too. Her keeping her thoughts to herself all this time is testament to that.’
‘She says I’m an idealist, who has to dance to my own tune. That makes me sound horribly selfish, as well as possibly deluded.’
‘You want to find your own niche in life. That’s not selfish, it’s admirable.’
‘Admirable but deluded all the same, for what I want is to put an end to the Clearances.’
‘Maybe Pearl’s right then, and you need to find another way to change the world.’
‘I could pretend I’m a man, and become a politician.’
‘I’m biased of course, but I much prefer you as a woman.’
‘When my cousin comes to stay next week, my time won’t be my own, Grayson.’
‘Then we should, as the saying goes, make hay together while the sun shines. Which it is, look.’
‘It is. Here, give me Angus. Wait here for me, I’ll only be ten minutes.’
* * *
It was probably just as well, Grayson thought as he waited on Maitland Street at the end of Coates Crescent, that their time together was going to be limited. When he was with her, all was well with the world, but when he wasn’t, it was blindingly, depressingly clear that the situation was impossible. Constance was a distraction from his real purpose here in Edinburgh. He had enough on his plate, mending fences with the Murrays and spending time with Shona and Neil. Though now he came to think about it the two things were all tangled up. Today, for instance, it wasn’t as if he was sacrificing time that should be spent with his family to spend it with Constance. He was at a loose end, she was at a loose end. Some time together was good for them both. A way for them both to let off steam. A rare moment in between all the other calls on their time, when they could be themselves. It was such a relief to be able to talk to her again, to laugh with her again. His best and only friend.
He smiled to himself. Who was he kidding? Yet he could think of no other more apt label to describe their relationship. His smile faded. They couldn’t ignore the real world for ever. A few snatched moments over the next couple of weeks was all they would have. Would it be best simply not to have them? No, he wouldn’t be able to resist seeing her, he knew that. Much better then, to do precisely what he’d suggested, and make hay while the sun shone. Not that it was shining particularly brightly today, actually.
He ignored the soppy way his heart leapt at the sight of Constance hurrying towards him, minus the toothless wonder that was Angus. ‘The sun has changed its mind,’ she said.
‘Talking of light shows, did you see last night’s illuminations?’
‘Walter Scott’s latest extravaganza. I heard the guns and rockets, but since Pearl can hardly walk the length of herself, and Angus was hiding under a bed, I decided to stay indoors.’ She made to put her hand on his arm, then changed her mind. It irked him that they had to be discreet, he didn’t like the implication that they had something to hide. ‘You, I am sure, were walking the streets until the wee small hours with your children.’
‘You’re right. We were out until almost midnight, wandering around. There were candles in almost every window, and all sorts of displays on the public buildings with various symbols pledging allegiance to Georgie Boy. Crowns and thistles and royal arms, flags and shields, stars and a few designs that I couldn’t make head nor tail of, but which my erudite offspring informed me were scenes from Scott’s novels.’
‘Your children enjoyed themselves, then?’
‘Neil loved it. Shona thought it all clever enough, but ultimately a terrible waste of candles, and she was worried the noise was keeping people awake who had work to go to in the morning.’
‘She sounds like a very practical young woman. Very like her father.’ Constance slid him a sidelong glance. ‘And in her looks too, I thought her very like you.’
She was clearly uncomfortable voicing even that much of an opinion. He didn’t know what to make of it himself. His children were part of his other, real life, yet he was curious all the same. ‘And what did you think of Neil?’
‘I only saw them from a distance. They are clearly brother and sister, though they are very different.’
‘They have their moments. Shona’s so used to being the older sister, she’s finding it difficult to adjust to Neil developing opinions of his own.’
‘I thought you looked very happy together, the three of you. Comfortable with each other.’
‘We spend a lot of time in each other’s company.’
‘I only saw you for a few moments and from a distance, but that was obvious. You...’
‘I what? Go on.’
She bit her lip, frowning. ‘It’s not only that they so obviously love you, it’s that they are completely at ease in your company. In my experience which, I’ll admit is limited to living and teaching in the Highlands, fathers are all too often distant figures to be respected and feared, not teased and consulted, and with such affection.’
There was a lump in his throat. Devil take it, he was in the middle of Princes Street. ‘Thank you,’ Grayson said gruffly. ‘I expect it comes of them having no mother, that makes us so close.’
‘I think it comes simply from you being a father who actually sees them as people in their own right. People who might have opinions, I mean and heaven forefend, thoughts and ideas of their own. Who even encourages independent thought, as my own father did.’
‘A high compliment indeed.’
‘You’re not like him in any other way.’
‘I’m relieved to hear that.’ He smiled at her, squeezing her fingers. ‘Thank you. I mean it.’
‘Yes.’
‘I can see from that troubled look that what you really mean is yes, but...’
‘You are such a complete little family, the three of you, and you’ve been like that for so long now, it’s impossible to see how anyone else would fit in without seeming like an intruder.’
There was nothing to say to this. He was never so completely himself as when he was in Constance’s company, but when he tried to imagine her even introducing her to his children, his mind skittered to a halt. He’d be on tenterhooks and so would she. Shona and Neil would be—what, confused and uninterested at best, and openly antagonistic at worst. No, there was absolutely nothing more to be said on the subject.
‘Would you look at this traffic,’ he said instead, inanely. ‘There’s carriages end to end all the way along Princes Street.’
‘There must have been an accident.’
But as they reached the junction of Waterloo Place and Regent Bridge it became apparent that the cause of the increasing mayhem was not an accident, it was the sheer volume of gentlemen attempting to get to the levee at Holyrood. Shielding Constance from the crowd, Grayson stared appalled at the onlookers blatantly peering into the stationery carriages, and the hawkers forcing their baskets of heather and tartan rosettes through the open windows. One persistent man selling pies was actually opening a carriage door exposing the occupants inside, four men sitting ramrod straight for fear of crushing their antiquated black silk breeches and coats, their hair stiff with powder.
‘I don’t think any of that lot will risk eating a meat pie. That bloke’s on to plums,’ Grayson said sardonically. ‘Would you look at them, they’re like waxwork effigies awaiting their doom. I’m half wishing that I’d escorted Neil myself to meet his grandfather. Mind you, the old man acts as if he’s got a poker stuck up his rear most days.’
‘Was your son’s hair powdered?’
He laughed. ‘Not bloody like
ly. I can hardly persuade Neil to run a comb through it at the best of times. No, it was certainly not powdered, nor was he decked out in black silk. He’d have looked like one of those wee lads they pay to walk in front of a hearse.’
‘I believe the rules at the levee are very strict. He may be refused entry if he’s not appropriately dressed.’
‘That’s his grandfather’s problem. I’ve high hopes, now I’ve seen that lot, that my son will decide he’s happy to be refused entry. If we cross here, we can walk through the burial ground and cut on to Calton Hill halfway up.’
‘How do you know that?’
‘I had a bit of time to myself on my last visit, you might recall. There’s a great view from up there, you can see right down to Leith. If it’s too steep a climb for you I can always give you a coal carry.’
‘I can tell from that wicked look in your eye that I’m going to regret asking. You surely don’t mean that you’ll heave me over your shoulder like a sack of coal?’
‘It’s much more fun than that. You jump on to my back, put your arms around my neck and your legs around my waist.’
Constance burst out laughing. ‘Tempting as the offer is, I think I’ll preserve my dignity.’
‘Spoilsport. Come on then, at least give me your hand.’
‘Are you going to tow me? I’m quite capable of getting to the top myself, you know.’
‘I simply wanted to hold your hand.’ He pulled her close, planting a kiss on her lips. ‘And to do that, too.’
‘We’re in a graveyard, Grayson!’
‘The inhabitants are in no position to object. There are some notable people interred here. That massive mausoleum there contains the mortal remains of David Hume, if you’re interested.’
‘I’ve heard his name, but I have never read any of his work.’
‘Nor have I.’
‘What does this obelisk commemorate?’
A Forbidden Liaison with Miss Grant Page 17